Hollywood

 Hollywood (1988)

[A certified cretin relates his plans to go to Hollywood

 and make it as a big star.]

I'm thinking of going down to Hollywood and shoot me a film.

Where am I going ?

Hollywood.

Naturally I'll get a pair of make-up experts to fix up my head:

A whiff of the blow-drier, a lick of Brylcreem,

and perhaps a bit of plastic surgery to prune a couple

of centimeters off my nose.

As long as I come out looking like either Steve McQueen or Charles Bronson,

I haven't decided which.

And then I wouldn't entrust the wardrobe to anyone except the master

Yves Saint Laurent. (1) 

I'll have him tailor a few shirts which I would shred

while fighting with the opponents.

I was thinking of something similar to Rambo: some karate, gun-fighting,

Taekwon-Do, muscles, the body of a hulk - but who has the energy to lift weights

first thing in the morning ?

Me swallowing raw eggs ? Are you kidding ?

Or just keep it easy: a film of romance and revenge; a drama drawn from real life;

or maybe a horror film.

And I will have a few words with the director, let him prepare some cinematic tricks for me:

I might hang from an airplane, swing over a train, dive into a valley, have a car blow up

with me inside - something simple.

And then if he (the director) can arrange for miss Jaqueline Bisset to star alongside me,

I would be very grateful.

And if that doesn't work out, I'll get by with Catherine Deneuve. That's okay.

I'm going down to Hollywood.

I will become the star of the Golden screen. (2)

Alain Delon of the Arabs.

I'm going to become a glamorous superstar. (3)

That's it.

I'm going down to Hollywood and I want to play with the showbiz. (4)

I've made up my mind.

Find me some extravaganza, me and Jaqueline. (3)

Jaqueline ?

Or Catherine.

Catherine ?

Hollywood.

(1) Native tongues in these parts often mispronounce foreign names,

       and Yves Saint Laurent becomes Yves Saint Laurence.

(2) Around here the Silver screen is referred to as the Golden screen.

(3) The letter "G" as pronounced in words like "extravaganza" doesn't exist in the Arabic language

       and is substituted with either a "J" (without pronouncing the "d"), or with the "gh",

       which doesn't exist in English.

(4) "Biz" is breast in Arabic, and it is only expected of a cretin to announce publicly 

         that he looks forward to playing with one.