9/16/01
like ive been thinking all night, only now impeded by cat paws and cigarettes and conversations, but still some obtuse rhythm to the train of thought. so many stars tonight, like i forgot about stars in dc too bright too dirty too dull and i could just look forever into the sky fractal patterns in the constellations giant connect the dots like gods puzzle book what would the crossword be? the bible yeah. wish i could recreate that thought flow recreate always always wanting things gone by. i think atheism makes the world more beautiful to me, the chance of it, im sure if i found god id find beauty in gods plan but for now i love the impossibility of it. no human has ever changed the face of the stars to sell something. its so alluring in its empty simplicity and abstraction, i wonder if there are patterns in the stars. sit for hours will sit more sitting by stars under blanket of blue and silver and loving it loving it wanting to wrap myself in a blanket of sky and shiny and wanting to be beautiful enough to deserve it. shooting stars i saw two i think in the corner of my eyes like always i think they dont happen if you have your eyes focused on it and i wonder what is the fascination there seeing the movement stellar across the night seeing a flash of something we dont understand. tomorrow ill count the stars ill find them all. the pleiades i rememebr sitting on the trunk of the old cars with my father looking at the stars and id find the pleiades and i could see them all, all seven sisters, and mayb e i just liked the name all along. romantic in the way that i remember the onel ine of that cheesy dream book, when they realized they werent on earth and pointing to the column of light stretching up on the horizon: other galaxies, and his voice trembled. and the sunrise so beautiful i canrt take it, cant take the colors and the lace and the transience of it, its unbelievable and day is so ugly after it, so stark and unreal and concrete. and all i want to do is curl up in the pastel crazy world at dawn and drink in the thousand pieces of fire on the ground. id like to be reborn as a cloud at dawn. i think sometime soon i want to gather some fun drugs and drive out to some random place and do them and sit and watch the night and the morning. with lots of blankets this time.
i wish writing in notebooks was as physically effortless as typing, for some reason words can flow from brain to keyboard without any thought but when i have to use a pen it takes too long and it hink too much. but computers distract me too much, im always checking something or doing something and can never concentrate. funny i could have sat in the back of the car on the drive home tonight forever, an hour into it i was wishing it wouldnt end, warm under my jacket and heat and blissful in thought. cold makes me so content sometimes, just walking outside and feeling alive in the cold air, heat makes me feel slow and heavy and dead. i love this time of year, fall when it just gets cold, when you can sit outside just because it feels good and beautiful. going to sit and smoke and think and stuff now.