cruise

have not figured out anyone to whom i could really pour this out to -- everyone's used to me needing them for bad melodrama, i guess -- not like, i dunno, a confused but happy headfuck --

my last day in florida was the bachelor party of one of my two bff's, thad. being a florida-recluse and exhausted from being around family, i nearly contemplated not going -- particularly as i had to get up at like 8am, with a flight the night day. the plan was for a daytime casino cruise; being not at all a gambler, i assumed it would be a more or less fun, pretty awkward, kinda boring afternoon, which i was happy to do for thad.

so i get down to port canaveral, miraculously not late; find thad and the myriad party group, made up of maybe 40% people i've known for ages and 60% people i didn't know, which is a good mix. hug the people i know, smile and wave at the people i don't; end up finding a place to stand next to this girl shaye i was friendly with in high school, never kept in touch with.

you know where this is going already, don't you?

she and i chat a bit awkwardly with a few other people sharing the sporadic past; eventually we make our way onto the ship. a mutual friend suggests a drink is in order (it being 11am, naturally), so a small handful of us make our way to the deck to commence consumption of "rum buckets" (huge, cheap, very weak drinks; seemed fair). the whole group pulls four or five tables together on the deck, introductions go around, we cheer and toast thad and his fiancee -- and shaye and i realize in horror that we're sitting in full sun, on a boat on the ocean, and we're both ghostlike, and are going to get lobsterized in minutes.

later on, we decided that that was when our shared reality began excusing itself from that of everyone else. everyone else was laughing and having fun and basking in the sun; the two of us were laughing and having fun and trying to figure out how to avoid it. and from then on we were nearly literally inseparable.

we endured the inedible buffet, decided we needed more drink before joining the rest of the crew at the tables/slots/whatever. sitting at the bar, talking to insane, hilarious, awesome bartender, watching the people -- i think that was when the actual mind-melding began, when the conversations we were engaged in with other people were just sort of interfering with the complete, fully fleshed-out conversations happening as we just watched and listened to what was going on around us and discussed it with our eyes. and laughed -- and laughed.

we tried to integrate a few times. we went down to the tables, admired thad for looking like a badass, tried to chat with other people, but very quickly needed to retreat. everyone thought we were destroyed-drunk because we couldn't look at each other without dissolving into horrified, delighted laughter.

eventually we gave up and spent the rest of the day on the deck talking to the bartender but mostly ourselves. people would wander upstairs and say hi and sit down, and we'd talk to them, but they'd excuse themselves relatively quickly; even random bartender dude was like, "i don't know what is going on, but it's like you two are in one world, and everyone keeps trying to join you, and they can't," and we just kind of shrugged at him and agreed with our eyes. thad came up and hugged us and he's like "i don't know why but i'm pretty sure you two are having a better time than anyone else on this boat." we agreed that was entirely true.

i think we nearly got in trouble because we were standing in a hallway, just trying to collect people, leaning against the wall, and every time we looked at each other, it just dissolved into tear-inducing, stomach-cramping, falling-down laughter. oh my god, the glares from the old blue-hairs, and the looks of helpless confusion from our party -- we were both driving, and they're like -- are you guys -- you're not okay to drive, right? -- and we're like no, yes, we are, you don't -- just -- yes, go away.

the bachelor party afterparty was continuing into the evening in orlando. i had been somewhat relieved that i had an excuse not to go, much as i adore thad, but bachelor party in orlando + morning flight in daytona = bad scene. but by now i'm like well shit this sucks, i realllly want to hang out with this person more, but -- no chance i'd make it back from orlando to catch my flight. so i reluctantly said this, and then an old friend was like, oh, well, we're going, but we're coming back to daytona tonight, do you want to come with us? and i'm like, well, hell yeah.

i was a little -- actually kind of a lot -- wondering if outside of the bizarre microcosm of reality of a cruise, that our little bubble would be dissolved; i kind of expected so, not really cynically even. so i got back to orlando, to the bar, we waved and hugged slightly awkwardly, separated for a bit, and just, like -- gravitated to one another. finishing each other's sentences, realized we both, separately, took the exact same picture of the same sign on the same bathroom wall. we began, helplessly, withdrawing so hard into our bubble that it became physical. latched at the elbows, then locked at the hands, then legs entangled.

after many fits and starts, finally, we kissed. in a strip club. and then kissed some more, and more, and more. hands tangled in each other's hair, biting at each other's lips -- and then stopping, and laughing, and laughing, and laughing, and then making out more. i don't think anyone knew what to make of us. neither of us are the straightest girls in the world, but i generally date dudes, and she'd recently ended a longtime relationship with a dude. there were two or three gay couples in the bachelor party and they teased us relentlessly, good-naturedly.

"are you guys ending up in her hotel?" thad asked, "because i think you are." we nodded, we touched each other, yes, yes, we'll somehow get me back to daytona by like 7am, just let's not stop touching. by the time we got back to the car, we had drawn enough breaths to acknowledge that no, no, there's no way i would have made my flight, ever.

so then we played it super classy style making out hardcore in the backseat of our friends car with a strange girl next to us clearly extremely uncomfortable and just absolutely not caring.

i've been pretty completely okay with being occasionally attracted to women for a good long, long time now; i self-ID as straight, because it's simpler, but describe myself as "i don't know and i don't care" -- which is true, but -- i always had the qualifier of like -- "i could never date a girl," because i'm not comfortable around girls. this fucked with my head, in not a bad way, but just WEIRD.