9/14/01
so reading things has put me in an inspired mood again, as it always does, and so let's see how long it lasts this time. also it's inspired me to appreciate the well-used skill of smoking with no hands.
so i'm thinking about writing again, as i often do. and i realize i never can just relax with it - i always have to feel like im writing something. figuring something out or myself out or documenting an experience or creating art. its always soemthing contrived. which perhaps is why i always used to write so much more fluidly when i was piss drunk. i think i miss that.
and im always too arrogant to think about it too much. because thats always been my easy excuse - perhaps ive always been insecure that im really not as smart as ive always assumed i am - that if i "applied" myself and achieved my "potential" then the result would not be so extraordinary. but if i do dick and the results surpass expectations of normality then i am brilliant. but am i really that insecure? maybe i do have low self-esteem.
[ note: when you are putting cigarettes out on old cigarettes, it is time to (a) smoke less, or (b) get an ashtray ]
but in going back to old things i remember what i am missing in my life. which is not to say that i am not happy in my life as it is, and im almost reluctant to change who i am because i dont know if i would trade happiness for that level of fulfillment. i wasnt happy when i was getting that stimulation, for the majority of the time. i dont know if that was just who i am/was or the life i was living but i suspect the environment. i have friends now that i love and spend days on end with and have crazy unbelievable times with and i didnt have that then and it might be worth it. vurt: hobart's equation. what have i swapped?
but when it was there! the connection and the brilliance and potential and raw power just in minds together, i would give everything for. those few months with thad when i had it, when i had the best of both worlds: my best friend, my soulmate in a kind of way, my other half which i've never felt since then or before then. it was something special because we both fell so in love with each other, though he differently than i. we loved each other's minds in a way that grew from initial respect and admiration, i think. and maybe a small degree of his respect and admiration for my boobies. heh.
but really, i wonder if ill ever find that again. i miss high school in only one way and that's because we were all there, then, and if we chance meeting others for me at least it will be random chance, pure luck - maybe thats how it always is really but never again will i be in environment with all the brilliant people there with me and fundamentally linked automatically by that underlying amusment and contempt with mediocrity even as we consciously immersed ourselves in it in some sad measure of self-defense.
when will i be able to be proud of who i am and what i know and what ive done instead of what i was born with and done jack shit with? when will i stop brooding over what i missed when i was younger and find those connections in my world and let myself be a whole person?
this cycle of self-preservation has got to end. im so fucking sick of taking the easy way out and making stupid excuses for myself and my mediocrity and passivity? still im not concerned with school really because that kind of mediocrity isnt fundamental to me, it has no bearing on who i am and what ive done with myself - no succession of A's will convince me of fulfillment. i dont know if its only pain that i am shielding myself from or if its everything. ive always accepted that it is impossible for me to do certain things - approach something, stand up for something, make the first move or make something happen. because ive never been able to deal with rejection because its never really happened to me. i guess im pretty enough for it not to matter as far as that goes and then i keep myself adequately shut off from everything else. my relationship(s) with eric and bryan and becca are interesting because theyre so opposite in so mant ways of what ive known as far as true friendship. we hang out all the time but we dont really inspire each other or feed off each other but i think we all love each other so much nonetheless. i wonder if i didnt talk to becca for a year what our first words would be to each other. nothing like the first things abby and i said - no tripping over each other to tell stories and ask questions and just love the contact. i think it woul dbe awkward and we would say wow its been so long ive missed you so much and what are you doing with your life, and we'd catch each other up but somehow there would be less to tell. and maybe that is okay. maybe after a bit of time we'd remember and relax and maybe it would be the same. but the nights just spent talking! hours drunk or high or sober or otherwise, talking and drinking each other in and learning and changing almost but not quite imperceptibly. i dont know if thats so rare, if that was something special we had and we did and most people dont have that [well maybe most people arent like us]. it was sacred to me. and i felt brilliant and capable and i dont feel like that anymore. i dont miss it usually because i have so much more to fill its place than i ever had but that part is always wanting.
where is thad when i need him? is he feeling the same things as me here? i miss him terribly sometimes, when i cant reconcile my two sides because te one ive always treasured more has nearly disappeared. i wonder if he ever still says the same things as me or finishes my sentences 700 miles apart. i wonder if he ever thinks of the beach that morning in new smyrna. every time i see beautiful clouds or sunrise i think of him and i think of abby and i wonder if feeling like that is gone forever.
and i knew it then, i knew what we had and what we all had and i dont know if that makes it better or worse. better now because i cant stand the thought of me living that and not knowing it, not appreciating it, and then losing it before i knew what was there. it made it so bittersweet in so many ways because summer is never a long enough time and we knew it was going to end to soon. how did we find each other in high school? me especially because i was always so outwardly (and inwardly) slacking - by high school i very rarely made any particularly insightful comment in class. maybe it was all via njc. bizarre, but probably not entirely untrue. english video for mr smith with abby was perhaps the start. com#. fear. perhaps those frequent restless nights shared online was the initial link. procrastination with thad, 11th grade psychology. ah yes. is it strange that an early bond between us all, the brilliant ones, was the inability to keep up with the most rudimentary level of organization and academic responsiblity? no.. ironic perhaps, but not surprising.