I. Experiences During Purification Process

Sometime in 1997, I tried to come up with a method for spiritual effort making, through which I could get purified faster, so that I can become spiritually powerful quickly. I decided to try a short-cut. I have 'revolutionary' sanskaras, so I become adventurous to do something or the other on my own.

I don't know how I did it but, with the thought that I wanted to absorb God's vibrations into me without the protective shield which God was offering us, I started absorbing God's vibrations into me without His protective shield. I noticed that my corporeal body started shaking because it was not able to tolerate the purification process.

I don't know how I did it but I tried it a few times by just keeping the thought in my mind that I wanted to get purified without the protection which God was giving us so that I can get purified quickly (so that I can become spiritually powerful quickly). Each time when I did that, my body was shaking because it was not able to tolerate the purification process. Then, I decided that I should not do that because I needed the body, so as to continue doing service and for effort-making purposes. I was wondering if the 'shaking' might affect the body even though it did not seem like as if the body was getting damaged but was only shaking.

I have never heard of BKs having this kind of experiences where their bodies shake. It was because of my own 'intention' that it had happened to me. But I knew that the body was shaking because it was not able to take the purification process because of how I was trying to get involved with the purification process.

Actually, there was nothing great about what I had done. I was new in gyan (BK knowledge) at that time. And I had thought that it would be nice if I could use a short-cut to becoming spiritually powerful quickly. The purification process, during the Confluence Age, is a slow process. One does not get purified instantly like how one gets purified on Judgement Day, at the end of the Cycle. Since our purification process is slow during the Confluence Age, it takes time to have greater spiritually strength.

So I thought that if I could bring myself into a kind of situation like that which we experience when we face Judgement Day, I can get purified instantly and so I would not have to make effort over a long period of time. What I was planning was not BK knowledge, though it was based on BK knowledge.

I was a litigation lawyer at that time. Sometimes, fellow lawyers would advise me that I would never win a specific case or would not get a specific order from the judge etc. But I would put a lot of thought (and work) into it and I would win the case or get a specific order etc from the judge. And fellow lawyers would ask me how I did it. This may have influenced me to think that I was capable of doing anything and everything. This must have influenced me to come up with the idea that if I could get myself purified without God's protective shield, then I can get purified instantly.

But, you know, even though in the experiences it had felt like as if I was experiencing God's light without the protective shield, I think I was still under God's Canopy of Protection. Because during those experiences, I did not experience pain like how souls are supposed to experience pain during Judgement Day. I only felt God's light burning away all the impurities like how a laser would burn quickly and instantly. I felt very powerful and I could feel the purity increasing in me as the impurities were burnt away.

But, after the experience, I was not remaining in the pure state like how souls remain pure after Judgement Day. At that time, I was wondering why I was not remaining in the pure state since I was burnt without God's protective shield. But I could see that it was improving my spiritual stage and stability. However, I was not happy with just that.

Something else began to happen at around that time and I am not sure if that was happening because of my fierce desire to face a situation like Judgement Day so that I can become powerful quickly. I would get pulled into blackness like as if I was being pulled into the very depths of hell where I was experiencing unbearable pain and I would understand that I was experiencing that unbearable pain because of something which I had done in a specific past birth. And I would come to know which past birth it was which had done the wrong. Then, I would see Light (God's Light) and I would grab that and just pull myself out of it. And I would be fine until I get pulled into the depths of blackness again to experience unbearable pain for something else which that past birth had done. Or I would get pulled within to experience unbearable pain for something which some other past birth had done. I got to know of a lot of my past births through that. I would also get to know a little about what the birth had done for which I was being pulled within (into blackness) where I would experience unbearable pain. This does sound like a Judgement Day experience, doesn't it? It also seems like as if I was caught in the underworld when I was pulled into blackness to experience unbearable pain. But at that time I did not understand it and I did not understand why it was happening to me. But I knew that it was a settling process for all the wrongs which I had done in past births.

Since BK knowledge teaches us that we have to use God if we do not want to settle, I would try my best to use God and in fact, I was clinging onto Him.

At that time, since I did not really understand what was happening to me, I would think that this is not how people experienced their past births. People would just remember things. They never say that they got pulled into blackness and experienced pain like as if they were being tortured in the very depths of hell.

Further, in my case, I was only remembering that I was so and so in a specific past birth while I was getting pulled into blackness where I would experience unbearable pain to settle for his wrongs through experiencing that unbearable pain. Then, I would see God's Light and I would grab that and just pull myself out of it. Then I would be OK for sometime (for awhile or a day or days) until I get pulled into the very depths of darkness again and I would experience unbearable pain again for a wrong which I had done in a past birth and I would know which birth I had done that wrong in. Then, I would see the Light in the distance again and I would grab it and pull myself out of it.

God's Light had always come to give me a Helping Hand and that was one of the things which made me so dependent on Him at that time. I did not dare to let go of Him because if I did, I might just fall into the very depths of hell again and experience unbearable pain for a specific act which I had done in a past birth. This had gone on for about 5 years from 1996 to 2000.

Sometimes, at that time, I would think “Since other people can get information when they remember their past births, why don't I try to go and get information about what had happened during those past births.” Once in awhile, I do get some information before I get pulled into the very depths of hell where I experience unbearable pain. At other times, as soon as I try to go and get some information, I get pulled into the very depths of hell and experience unbearable pain. But God had always helped me out of it and I was getting spiritually powerful very quickly through all that. But it was such a painful experience. I was practically clinging onto God to make sure that I do not experience the unbearable pain during the settling process (for all the wrongs that I had done in past births).

The above experiences should be compared to my experiences, when my past births emerged, before I received the BK knowledge. Before I received the BK knowledge, I did not experience pain when my past births emerged.

When this past birth of Alexander had emerged, sometime between 1981 and 1985, I had experienced the feelings which Alexander had felt and I had experienced blackness. I had not experienced any pain like that which is experienced on Judgement Day because I was not involved in the purification process at that time (since I have not been introduced to the Confluence Aged BK knowledge as yet). When Alexander emerged  from 1996 (after I had received the BK knowledge), I began experiencing pain when I was being purified for the wrongs which he had done. There was a big difference between the experiences before coming into the Brahma Kumaris and after coming into the Brahma Kumaris because of the purification process. One can only get purified in the Confluence Age and then on Judgement Day. Since I had come into the Confluence Age after receiving the BK gyan/knowledge, I was getting purified (even before Judgment Day). The deities are re-created through this purification process. Maybe, there was need to settle for all the wrongs done in those past births, which are emerging now.

By the end of 2000, it had felt like as if I was already in control and like as if I had already settled a lot of the 'worst' for which I needed to settle for now. I could feel that my spiritual strength was higher and that I had the spiritual ability to not fall into the depths of hell again (which was happening because of my weaker spiritual state). I knew that I would only be settling the remainder in a less drastic way.

So, in 2001, I had bravely stopped going daily to the BK centers. I wanted to learn to remain powerful without the support of the gathering in the BK center. I would go back when I felt that I needed the support of the spiritual gathering there. I only go there once in awhile now. Now, I don't really go there for support anymore. I am fine on my own.

Now, it is just me and God (which is how it should be). But then, we are all within the Confluence Aged gathering even if we do not go to the BK center. So, in this sense, I know that I still do get some support from the Confluence Aged gathering. But God is always there for me too.

One should develop the relationship with God. God helps when we need help. I don't cling onto Him anymore but I know that He is there for me.

A lot of my desires had got fulfilled through all that settling. I came out of all that through becoming quite powerful spiritually (quite quickly). My stability had increased. I can keep control over myself quite easily after that etc. But if you ask me if I would be willing to go through all that again. I would say, “Oh my God. No way!”. I was suffering so much and experiencing so much of pain that I was waiting for the day when it will all stop. But I knew that so long as I remained in the Brahma Kumaris and came there every morning, I should be fine.

Even my sister who was a doctor advised me to remain in the Brahma Kumaris though she was practising Kundilini Yoga. She told me that the Brahma Kumaris' teaching was helping me a lot and she could see it.

Actually, it is better to flow along with the BK teachings and not do weird things like what I did.