B. Introduction to the Brahma Kumaris

Another thing that had attracted me during the public program was the meditation, which we had done in red light. I had a beautiful experience during that meditation session though I felt that they had not given sufficient information during the public speech itself. I had gone for the 7 day introductory course, soon after the public program.

The classes etc, which were given in the center, had helped me to experience peace and happiness. Previously, I was feeling very miserable because of the things that were happening in my marriage but I was able to get over that misery and was able to be happy again. In fact, I was happier than I had ever been, previously, in this corporeal life.

I also began to get greatly attracted to the high spiritual stages which souls were able to acquire through using this godly knowledge. BKs who were in that stage had seemed so spiritual and lovely at that time.

In the P.J. center, one of the brothers would discuss this godly knowledge with those who he knew. It had seemed like as if he was saying such wonderful things and I would go as near as I possibly could so that I could also hear the knowledge that he was giving others. When the brother noticed that I was doing that, he invited me over. Thereafter, he also explained this godly knowledge further to me. He introduced me to the books containing the avyakt murlis and I found them to be very intoxicating.

I used to enjoy meditating in the red light in the center. The classes and the meditation used to make me feel very light and spiritual. I had begun doing service too (in the P.J. Center).

My husband (now ex-husband) wanted a reconciliation and I decided to flow along with that. I had actually initiated legal proceedings before I went for the public program. After, I came into the BK spiritual knowledge, the BKs convinced me that I should not go for separation and that I should re-concile with my husband. So, when my ex-husband suggested re-conciliation, I agreed. I brought him to the P.J. Center and he took the first day's course. After that, he did not seem too eager to go there. However, he did not stop me from going there or from practicing this godly knowledge. But, since he was not keen on going to the centers, I decided that I should just read the books while I was in the house.

When I was first given this godly knowledge, I could accept everything that I was told. However, I was wondering as to how I could be a deity soul when I seemed so ordinary. A deity soul is a soul who plays the part of a deity in the first half of the cycle of time. Deity souls have the ability to attain a divine state. I somehow felt that there should be something special about me to be a deity soul. I had given this a lot of thought and was still giving it a lot of thought after I had stopped going to the center. Then, something happened one day and I was able to accept that I was a deity soul after that.

One day, I was watching the acts of a lady in trance. While in trance, she claimed that she was a goddess but she was acting so violently and was scolding a couple while saying that their child was deformed because they did not come to her temple as promised. I began to wonder as to whether this lady was faking the whole thing. I began to wonder as to why she was being so unkind to those people. So, I looked deep into her eyes and both of us went beyond the corporeal body. As I was trying to see the reason why she was acting like that, I saw something grey in colour. I think, I was seeing the grey matter within her brain. However, as I was doing this, the lady slowly began to have a lot of fear and was thinking something to the effect, "Hey, she is a goddess. I had better behave myself while I am in her presence". I began to wonder as to why she thought that I was a goddess. It was at that point that I began to realize that there was a golden light around me. That light was not from the lady and it did not surround her. I didn't know what the source of that light was. I didn't think that it was from me, even though it surrounded me. Later, I preferred to think that God had given that experience to me so as to make me accept that I was a deity soul. There is a possibility that I had missed something that the lady saw because I was too busy trying to see why the lady was behaving like that. Well, anyway, immediately after the lady had begun to think that I was a goddess, she had become very peaceful and had started acting very peacefully. Her behavior had puzzled me further. I was wondering if she had become frightened because I looked her straight into her eyes. I could not really understand what had happened but it was after that that I told myself that I had to just accept that I must be a deity soul. I began to think that the lady may have sensed this and that that may have been the reason for her thoughts and changes in behavior.

Once, I asked my husband (now ex-husband) to accompany me to the Klang BK center saying that I wanted to buy more cassettes and books. Actually, I was hoping that he would like this center and would decide to go there regularly. But it did not interest him and so I had left it at that.

Though I had stopped going to the center, I had continued to read and practice Brahma Kumaris Raja Yoga on my own. I had enjoyed reading the avyakt murlis and I would think that it would be nice to have someone to give me further clarification on them.

Later, I decided to do my Masters in Law. By 1996, my marriage was in a bad state again and court proceedings had soon begun again. I had wanted the divorce proceedings to finish before I went back to the Brahma Kumaris. However, I was not able to tolerate the things that were happening because of the 'breaking-up' process. So, I felt that I should go back to the Brahma Kumaris immediately before I break down. I knew that I would get the help that I needed, in this godly institution. Thus, in mid-1996, I took the decision to go back to the P.J. Center.

Actually, I had forgotten the way to go there and I did not have the address with me. I told myself that God would guide me there and I just started driving. I did not know where to go or where to turn. But, it had seemed like as if I had just taken a couple of turns and I was passing a house with the red egg-shaped light in front. I recognized that and I knew that I had reached my destination.

I began to go back there for the classes and guidance. But this time, a lot of things began to happen. I began to have visions of God and I began talking to God. I felt His Might and Strength. This had put fear into me, as I knew that He was God and bhakti had taught us that God punishes us for all the wrong that we do. However, I found that He was just helping me and, with time, I did not have any fear anymore. In fact, I found myself clinging onto Him.

When I was a child, I had clung onto my corporeal father. Now, I was clinging onto God in a similar manner. It was as if I was constantly holding onto Him to make sure that He was always there beside me. There may be a few reasons why I was clinging onto God, some of which were:

• 1. God's company could make me feel happy and peaceful (and I wanted to continue experiencing only this)

  2. I was not able to tolerate the memories of past births and I was also not able to tolerate the things that were happening because of the breakdown of the marriage. God's company gave me strength and gave me the ability to tolerate it all

  3. I was looking for a substitute who could take the place of my corporeal husband. One of the worldly theories is that if a relationship fails, then we should find someone else to take their place. Thus, I had decided to put God in that gap because I knew that I would get the benefit of that in numerous ways

  4. after my corporeal father died, I may have developed desires of wanting to continue clinging onto him. Now that I have found the Father of all souls and was able to see and experience his Fatherly love for me, I began to cling onto Him

  5. I knew that only God could give me the best help and I needed that

  6. I was probably clinging onto Him like how people cling onto someone who is helping them

  7. my corporeal father had died when I was about 9 years old. I probably had a lot of desires of wanting to continue experiencing my corporeal father's love again. Now, I have found a substitute who loved me more and I was probably afraid of losing Him as I had lost my corporeal father

  8. my sanskaras (traits etc) of wanting to cling onto my corporeal father were probably coming into an emerged state because of the love that I was receiving from God and these sanskaras probably made me cling onto God as I had clung onto my corporeal father

  9. etc.

Though I don't cling onto God anymore, I am very concerned about helping Him achieve the aims for which He came into this corporeal world.

After I returned to this godly university in 1996, I began to understand that I had a role to play with this godly institution. I was one who liked to fulfill my duties and I felt that I had further duties now, in respect of this godly institution. I felt that I had a duty towards God. I felt that since He had helped me and is still helping me, I have to help Him back in return. I understood that helping God will give me the returns of that through the Law of Karma. I wanted the good returns through the Law of Karma. God has come to re-create the heavenly world and the divine people of heaven. I felt that it was my duty to help Him with these. Through the Law of Karma, the benefits which I receive in return for this would be huge.

I was also keen on seeing the re-creation of the divine world. So I decided that I would continue helping God with World Transformation through self-transformation.