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Few hobbies are more sad than scuba diving in filthy conditions. Nevertheless there are some that are, and I have done my best to identify and practice them. Perhaps the saddest of all is making models about scuba diving in filthy conditions.
Here are some photographs of the various models I have either made, bought, or had given to me, and which bear at least some sort of relationship to this most arcane of sports...
"Diarrhama" This is a model scene, or diorama, of two bottle divers on the prowl. I bought a standard display case off eBay, including a perspex cover (not shown). Then I prepared the scene using DAS modelling clay and added a sewer pipe made from bent cardboard. Weed made from bread tie wraps was pushed into the clay. I made a line bag from more clay and gave it handles (a cable tie), curled a screw picket out of wire, and pushed it into the base. A length of wire stretched between the picket and the bag represents the the line, and therefore the leg of the dive being completed. Several small bottles were made by rolling tiny pieces of clay and crimping the ends into necks. Once the clay was dry, I coated the whole with silt-coloured Airfix paint. The weeds were painted green and I also smeared a greenish streak from the outflow of the sewer pipe. I added a piece of twig to represent a submerged tree and a section cut from a tangerine net. A broken toilet was made from a piece of egg carton and painted white. This was hidden in the weeds to represent a bottle stash, and bottles were put into it, while other bottles were salted across the area. These various small pieces were glued in place. Finally, two plastic frogmen were added which I also obtained from eBay. They are of a common type made in the 1960's and 1970's; I remember you used to be able to purchase them inexpensively from toyshops or even newsagents. One of them is holding some shears in order to clear the "tree" and its netting; the other holds a torch and proceeds along the line. The two divers are free standing and are not glued in place, so I can vary their positions. The base of the model is 11 inches in length.
SAD RATING: 5/5
French Departmental Diver
This is a very fine model by the French company Prado, which I found on eBay. It is of a "French diver fireman, non free waters" (sic) and is slightly less than 3 inches tall. The detail is extraordinary and the model seems to be die cast; it certainly feels heavy in the hand and is cold to the touch unlike plastic or resin. The diver has a half mask and a regulator that seems to be of the Apeks type. The dry suit is clearly a Viking and is zipped at the back. Wings are worn with a twinset attached to the backplate. A reserve second stage is clipped to the front of the harness at the right. A reel is clipped to the harness on the left. It is big, with heavy line that would probably be suitable for bottle diving. Interestingly a knife is worn at the ankle - a controversial and surprising practice for a diver in such a role. A slate is worn on the left wrist and two gauges are on the right, probably a watch and a bottom timer. The fins are not the usual Scubapros but they are nonetheless large and spade-like, and clearly appropriate for the job. None of this would be amiss on any wreck diving expedition, but what really marks this piece is the addition of a helmet with torches fixed onto it. This is a typically European practice and it has come from the cave diving community. I have used a similar helmet/torch combination when cave diving in Wales. In fact, the whole equipment configuration is not untypical of that used in wide cavern conditions; more constricted spaces requiring sidemounted tanks. The lack of a sidemounted arrangement is another surprise with this model, since the helmet and role description implies that the diver will be working in a restricted space, perhaps such as that presented by submerged vehicles.
SAD RATING: 2/5
Action Man Royal Navy Diver
This is a modern "Action Man" Royal Navy diver which I bought from Amazon. The build quality is not as good as that of the original figures from the 1960's and 1970's...this Action Man feels delicate and I don't think it would stand up to much rough play in the hands of a child. It also lacks the realistic hair and gripping hands of yesteryear. The gear and dry suit are clearly not meant to be removed and there is very little play in any of the components. Nevertheless, as a model frogman it exhibits a high level of detail and accuracy. The AGA type full face mask is especially good and the wing harness looks just like the real thing in miniature; it even includes the D-rings that a serious harness would provide for sidemounting. The model sports a convincing main tank and pony with separate regulators and hoses, while the dry suit looks the part, with a relief zip and the overall effect of crushed neoprene. The knee protection is a nice touch and the fins are exactly like the Scubapros used by service or departmental personnel. A realistic console with pressure and depth gauges is clipped to the harness. Apart from the lack of a front-entry zipper, this gear arrangement is very much in line with that of a contemporary, well-equipped bottle diver. However it would have been nice to have seen cutting tools better evidenced, particularly since Royal Navy frogmen are expected to play a leading role in clearance operations.
SAD RATING: 3/5
British manned torpedo, WWII
These two divers are wearing "Sladen" suits, which were quite unlike those used by frogmen. Notice the heavy boots! They are sitting astride a manned torpedo which was known somewhat prosaically as a "Chariot". This appears to be a Mark I version. The Chariot Mark I was similar to the Italian "Pig" (so called because it steered like one), examples of which had been captured by the Royal Navy, although it was not a slavish copy. At that time the Senior Service was also using its own mini-submarines known as "X-Craft". Unlike manned torpedoes these were proper submarines. They had dry internal cabins and included airlocks for the ingress and egress of Sladen divers, who would cut through anti-submarine nets and attach mines to the bottom of enemy ships. In a sense it was primitive...the engines of X-Craft were the same as those used to power London buses! Yet it also presaged the later cosmonauts, who would leave their capsules via airlocks in the 1960's. The use of Sladen suits by divers on a manned torpedo is historically accurate - I have photographs of them doing so while training in Scotland, and I recently saw an example being exhibited at Eden Camp in North Yorkshire. Nevertheless it seems a bit incongruous, since these suits were designed for the treacherous cold-water conditions of the North Sea, whereas the original Italian manned torpedo was primarily designed for use in the Mediterranean. The nose of the torpedo would have been removable in the real version - it contained the explosive. This plastic model is slightly less than nine inches long and probably dates from the 1960's. The two divers are removable, and the torpedo retains a brass-coloured screw at the back which rotates. When I bought this model it did not have a base, so I made one out of a piece of carton.
SAD RATING: 4/5
Olga the Bottle Stopper
Olga the Bottle Stopper
This is a burlesque model of a stripper in the form of a bottle stopper. I bought it from a hardware store in Bedale, North Yorkshire. It measures about 13cm high including the rubber bung. The stripper holds a feather which wafts about nicely. She appears to be a natural blonde. In this picture I've put her into a beer bottle I retrieved from Hell Kettles near Darlington. It's a nice blueish colour and has a molded logo with the legend "1/2 PINT G. THWAITES TRADE MARK REGISTERED STOCKTON ON TEES". I call this female Olga because, at least from the knees up, she reminds me of a girl I knew at school...though my memory of such things is dim and distant now. I've subsequently learned that bottle stoppers like Olga are manufactured by a company called Eddington's and can be bought online from various shops that are easily googled. These are the height of good taste and at least one stopper like this should adorn every bottle diver's collection. Other variations on this particular theme are available, including brunettes, which should help spark whatever recollections the dedicated mudplugger might still have. I usually keep Olga in one of the bottles in my display cabinet, but I do bring her out to grace the table whenever a decent elderflower or nettle wine is to be drunk.
SAD RATING: 5/5
Private Armitage the Diver
This is a model from the children's TV series Chigley, filmed in 1969. It shows Private Armitage in diver's gear and is taken from Episode 10, Trouble with the Crane. In this episode a crane fails and drops what is thought to be a crate of valuable antique books into a canal. Troops are summoned and Private Armitage dives into the canal to retrieve the crate, which is subsequently found to contain nothing but scrap metal due to a prior mix-up. It should be noted that the use of troops in this role is not as surprising as it may sound, since the Royal Engineers have deployed trained divers for bridging and demolitions work for centuries. The model is by Robert Harrop and is identified on the base as a Camberwick Green figure, although the relevant episode is actually from the related series Chigley which forms part of the same canon along with Trumpton. Private Armitage measures about 10cm high. He appears to be dressed in a kind of dry suit although it looks more like a pair of blue overalls. He has a red twinset on his back, and in common with many stylised representations of scuba divers there are no regulators in evidence. A twin hose leads from the tanks and is joined via some sort of manifold to a single hose which feeds into a full face mask. I was given this model as a present, but it is available on-line from various suppliers. You can find them by googling for PRIVATE ARMITAGE DIVER CAMBERWICK GREEN. Expect to pay £15 - £20 for your own piece of canal diving memorabilia.
SAD RATING: 3/5
Plug Diver
This is another gift I received from someone who knows me too well. It's a model diver which is attached to the chain of a plug, which fits into a large sink or bath. I think it's a great thing for putting in the sink when I'm cleaning out my bottles. Looking at this, it reminds me quite a bit of the dive a did beneath a boat moored to a sinker by a riser chain. I reckon it looks just like it...check the video in the link and see if you concur with the spooky similarity.The design of the diver is quite stylised. He appears to be wearing an old-style double hose regulator. The mask is large and rectangular. There is no obvious means of buoyancy control, but then there is no weight belt either. On the whole it looks like a stereotyped image of a Scuba diver from the 1950's.Anyway, this little guy is what we can call a real "mudplugger"!
SAD RATING: 3/5
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