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Bogglehole Bill's Truckstop Buttie Guide
A good morning spent bottle diving is rounded off nicely by a bacon roll and a mug of tea. And if there's one thing to be said for this country, there's nowhere quite like Blighty for a hot, cheap, ketchup-soaked slurpfest. Our economy is propped up by a financial services sector, white bread, and bacon. Two of these can be relied upon to endure.
Here is a review of my favourite cafés; these are the ones that meet my exacting standards. I award a maximum of three bottles in my Buttie Guide, but for an establishment to get even one is admirable.
The Stainmore Café
Bogglehole Bill's Buttie Guide: Three Bottles Awarded.
Location: A66, accessible both east and westbound, about 1 mile east of Brough, Cumbria.
This is a well-known truckstop high on Stainmore in Cumbria. It is opens early and closes late, and offers an unusually varied menu, including proper knife-and-fork meals and decent puddings. The tea is made with real teabags rather than instant tea powder, and they leave the bag in the mug so it can steep for as long as you like, and you can add your own milk.
Sandwiches include bacon, sausage, and egg. There is even a Lorne sausage option which is presumably aimed at Scots truckers heading for the M6 or A1(M). I'm quite fond of a bit of Lorne but I have to say that the sausage served here isn't the best. Keep to the standard bacon roll and you'll do OK.
What you get is plenty of decent bacon in a carrier roll. This is a standard white roll which serves as a "carrier" for the filling. The great British idea behind this is that customers pay for what's in a sandwich, not the bread that surrounds it. The hallmark of a proper truckstop café is the use of carrier bread, rather than anything with a texture and taste of its own. Exotic breads with flavour would only compete with the bacon and whatever condiments you slosh on.
Stainmore provides enormous squeezy bottles of tomato ketchup and brown sauce. Remember that there is a correct form to saucing a buttie. Lift the top off the sandwich and add a generous swirl of ketchup, starting in the middle and spiralling outwards. Finally, salt and pepper the bacon liberally and replace the top half of the bun. Take it from me...the result is a Three Bottle dining experience.
The Castle Café
Bogglehole Bill's Buttie Guide: Three Bottles Awarded.
Location: Horse Market, Barnard Castle, County Durham. Not suitable for HGV traffic.
The Castle Café is a traditional County Durham eating place; it does double duty as a sweetie shop. I remember similar establishments elsewhere in the Palatinate during my childhood. This must be one of the few remaining ones.It is located in Barnard Castle high street. This is not a road that is appropriate for heavy goods vehicles as there is no suitable access over the County Bridge which crosses the Tees by the castle ruins. There is plenty of signage alerting drivers to this fact but some lunatics still have a go and get stuck, or knock bits of masonry off. There's talk of adding more notices, but I reckon that raising a gibbet above Bridgegate would be the most suitable warning.
Anyhow, after a dive somewhere in Teesdale you can do no better than to head to "Barney", as the locals call the town, and settle down for a bacon roll at the Castle Café. What you get is a generous helping of bacon in a carrier roll. The ketchup and brown sauce are in sachets, but there are always plenty of them. You're better off going for a mug of coffee than tea; both are instant. You don't add your own milk. This establishment is a particularly friendly place and it is popular with locals. You can ask the owner if you can borrow a copy of the paper and read it while you eat.
The Quernhow Café
Bogglehole Bill's Buttie Guide: One Bottle Awarded.
Location: A1(M) northbound, between Boroughbridge and Leeming, North Yorkshire.The Quernhow Café is another very well known establishment. Unfortunately it has suffered as a result of major roadworks on the A1(M) which have constrained access to a service road.
Nevertheless, it's well worth calling in because it is unquestionably a real truckstop café. You know this as soon as you walk in through the door. Either that, or you've walked into the cafeteria of a U.S. state penitentiary. The seats are superbly battered and they have great chunks missing out of the foam padding.
You make your own tea using a kettle on a table and add your own milk directly from the bottle. If you have need of a spoon, you can remove one from a filthy glass of water that stands nearby. What purpose the water serves I cannot tell, but it does help to keep the flies off. I dare you to go to this place on a first date.
I ordered a bacon sandwich and got one. Somewhat unusually it didn't come in a roll, but in two slices of conventional white bread. The bacon was nice and lean. The only downside was the condiments. I added the ketchup and a dash of pepper without incident, but the salt came in a plastic supermarket canister. You can't shake the salt on with these things, you have to pour it on as gingerly as possible. Needless to say I misjudged it and added at least a full tablespoon of sodium chloride to my blood pressure.
The Quernhow Café is pretty much an iconic representation of what a truckstop dining experience ought to be. It is the definitive "greasy spoon café", and I am pleased to use it as my standard of reference when awarding a bottle for the Truckstop Buttie Guide.
The A64 Red Bus Café
Bogglehole Bill's Buttie Guide: Two Bottles Awarded.
Location: A64 between Leeds and York, West Yorkshire.
The A64 Red Bus Café is another iconic truck stop diner. This one has the distinctive feature of being a converted bright red double decker bus. It is statically located on the A64 between Leeds and York. It's within easy access of the A1(M), and only takes a few minutes to get to from Junction 44. It opens at around 7:30 in the mornings but seems to close at some point in the afternoon. The bus lies in a wide layby on the north side of the road, and there's a decent amount of parking space. The kitchen is in the lower deck. I'm not sure what the upper deck is used for but there doesn't seem to be any seating there. The tables and chairs for customers are behind the bus. This means you are sitting out in the open, but the tables all have awnings above them.
I ordered a bacon roll and a mug of tea, which was very inexpensive. The tea is made with a proper teabag and you add your own milk. The bacon was nice and lean and came in a standard carrier roll which was buttered. Tomato ketchup, salt, and pepper were all available.On the whole this is a unique truckstop buttie experience. It's quite strange sitting there, with the woodland all around you and this bright red double decker bus in front of you. I thoroughly recommend going, and for a respectable sandwich and sheer originality this place truly deserves its two bottle award.
The OK Diner
Bogglehole Bill's Buttie Guide: Three Bottles Awarded.
Location: A19 southbound, west of Hartlepool.
The OK Diner on the A19 outside of Hartlepool is one of a chain of cafés which can be found scattered across the country. They are designed to resemble the diners of the American roadside in the 1950's...and from the seemingly prefabricated construction to the brash chrome-and-plastic interiors, this establishment certainly capture the atmosphere. In fact, I'd say it is more like an American roadside diner than any roadside diner I encountered in 6 years of living, driving and dining in the USA.
As you can imagine, they have a menu to match these expectations. For example, you can get a stack of pancakes with coffee, or a cheeseburger, a milk shake, or a slice of pie. Of course, as a bottle diver I scoured this list of gastronomic Americana with only one thing on my mind. I wanted a bacon sandwich.
I did find it, but I just about fell off my seat at the price. A bacon sandwich at the OK Diner will cost you roughly double what you would pay at a traditional British greasy spoon, and so will a mug of tea or coffee. Not to be deterred, I went for it, and also ordered an orange juice and a side of baked beans. I figured that if I was paying these prices I might as well make an occasion out of it.
To stay in keeping with the American theme I ordered a coffee rather than my usual tea. It came in a mug with a small jug of milk. It was fine, quite a pleasant brew in fact. As I drank I could see the servers cooking the bacon on the griddle. When the sandwich arrived a few minutes later I noticed that it came between two slices of bread rather than in the conventional bap. I opened it up and noted that the bacon was exceptionally lean and of good quality, and that the bread had been liberally buttered. A selection of condiments had been brought to the table. I sauced the bacon and added salt and pepper without incident.
As I took my first bite of the sandwich I realised that this offering had taken the bacon buttie to a new level. I was already pretty sure that the bacon was going to be good, the real surprise was in the quality of the bread. This was not taken from a tasteless carrier loaf...it was a bread with flavour and texture, and I must say that it contributed enormously to the mouth-feel of the sandwich. In fact I savoured that buttie. I honestly don't know if I've ever had a better one from any café anywhere.
In conclusion the OK Diner is expensive, but I left satisfied and believing that I had got my money's worth. Moreover, I'll look forward to calling in again. Although it is quite unlike the standard truckstops I have frequented, and offers a totally different value proposition, this establishment unquestionably deserves a three bottle award.
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