Molly was still not talking to me. I tried on a few occasions to talk to her, she knew I was sorry, but Laurie kept telling me to give her some time and some space for a little bit longer and I was trying to respect that. I worked a short shift at work and I was driving to get lunch. In my head I was replaying a conversation that Molly and I had.

"Torrey, can I ask you something?" Molly asked. She had just received the news that she was going to be a big sister and she had some big picture questions that needed to be answered.

"You can ask me anything, Molly"

"What's the point of another person joining the world?"

"Are you not excited about having a little brother?"

"No, I'm excited" Molly responded. "I was just wondering what the reason was. Why are we all alive?"

This is a question that I had often wondered but never found an answer to. I've always had a little bit of pride when it comes to how Molly looked up to me, so there were no questions that I didn't want to answer.

"I think the reason we're alive is because the world was made for all of us and it is a beautiful place, and we need to see it and appreciate it, and have people to share it with. It's like whenever you make something beautiful and you want to show it to people"

"But what's our purpose?" Molly asked

"Our purpose is to live" I responded, "It's to enjoy everything around us. You don't know too much about the world yet but you will. There are a lot of different places you're going to see and people you're going to meet. Our purpose is to soak it all in and to live and love"

"How much love can a person have?" Molly asks

"What do you mean?"

"Do you ever feel like your heart is going to run out of love to give? Are you able to love people the same amount when you keep meeting new people?"

"What are you getting at?"

"Are you going to love me the same amount when Charlie is born?"

"That's a ridiculous question"

"But how can you love me the same. You're going to need to love me a little less to make room in your heart for Charlie"

"That's not how hearts work, Molly" I said

"How do heart's work?"

"Hearts get bigger" I responded. "I don't need to love you any less just because there's going to be someone new around. Have you ever felt something in your chest when you see someone you love? That's your heart getting bigger to make room for someone getting in"

I was thinking about this conversation that I had with Molly as I was driving, but then I was distracted by something happening in front of me.

Wednesday Sept 26th, 2018 (3 days until the arrest)

We were stopped at a red light, I was the second car in line, and a homeless man walked up to the car in front of me to ask for some change. She rolled down her window and gave him what looked like a dollar note. He looked at it, looked around, and looked back at it like he was in shock.

He was noticeably getting choked up, he walked a little closer to her car and said something, then she put her car in park, got out of it and gave him a big hug. The lights turned green and people behind me started honking. She hugged him for a few seconds longer and then got into her car. She then drove off in the same direction I was heading. She pulled over to a breakfast restaurant, and since I was going to have lunch anyway, I creepily pulled up to the same place she went to.

I walked up to the counter, and then I was seated to a table, a waitress came over and asked me for my order and then she walked over to the kitchen after taking it. I could see this mystery woman from the road sitting a few tables away from me, sitting by herself, and I was trying to figure out the best way to start a conversation with her.

I stood up, walked over to her table while she was looking at her phone and I said "Excuse me"

"Hey, can I help you?" she responded

"Yeah it's just" I started with a stutter, "I hope this doesn't come off as being a weird thing to ask, but I was driving behind you and I saw you give that homeless man some money. I was just curious, how much money did you give him?"

"You were driving behind me and you followed me here?"

"I know this is not a good look, but yes." I said, "But what you did, It just seemed like a kind thing to do, so I was just wondering how much money you gave him"

"Why? Does he owe you money?" she asked

"No" I responded. "Like I said, I was just curious. He had a pretty big reaction to it and I don't think he would have had a reaction like that if you just gave him a dollar"

"I gave him a $100" she said

"You gave him a $100?"

"Yeah" she replied, "He definitely seemed like he needed it more than I did and it was my birthday a couple days ago, and my dad gave me a $100"

"Have you met that man before?"

"Nope"

"Okay, I just have a question, and don't take this the wrong way, I admire how charitable you are, but isn't that a lot? Isn't that too much?" I asked.

"Wait" she responded, "I don't know you do I? I didn't accidentally get drunk one time and hire you as my financial manager, did I?"

"No" I said, beginning to understand that she was, perhaps rightfully, getting irritated with my line of questioning. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude. I commend what you did, I just thought it was a little strange"

"I think it's strange that you think it's strange" she said

"Fair enough, I'm not judging you, in fact, like I said I admire what you did, I just think a $100 is a lot of money"

"It is, but it was a gift. I make enough to pay rent, pay my bills and eat three meals a day. This money was not in my budget. It was extra, so that goes in my 'make the world a better place for someone else' budget"

"That's a nice way to think" I said

"It's really about value" she said. "I don't think it's a good idea to get caught up with the number because the number doesn't determine it's true value. If anything, I'm increasing the value. Don't you think that $100 has more value in his hands than mine?"

"I guess" I replied

"But even more important than all of that, how am I supposed to look at the face of a hungry man and not do anything to help him?"

"I like that that's hard for you" I said "I think most people find it a little easier"

"Do you want to sit down?" she asked. I was happy that she asked me that and I was so intrigued by her that there was no way I would turn it down.

"Absolutely" I replied "By the way, I'm Torrey"

"It's nice to meet you Torrey, I'm Kylie"

"I'm sorry if you think I was being weird before"

"You were, but that's okay" she said "I have always felt that I need to do more to help. I can't imagine the circumstances that makes someone have to beg people for money in cold Milwaukee. In fact, I keep a few $5 bills in my glove compartment just in case I see someone who needs money"

"How much money do you have in there?" I asked

"Probably about $60"

"That's not a little" I said

"I don't touch it, so that means I obviously don't need it. I may want it sometimes, but I don't need it"

"But are you ever concerned that they're spending that money on drugs or alcohol? and the money that you're giving them is not really going to help them turn their lives around but just further feed their addictions?"

"I don't know that man" she replied, "There is a possibility that I may have just done that, but it's about risk vs reward for me. If it is going to help him, then that's a greater reward than the risk of it not helping him"

I guess on some level, I had always agreed with what Kylie was saying, but I had never actually done anything about it. I am guilty of spending too much time wondering about the things that I could have instead of appreciating the things that I already have. In some ways, It feels like I won the earth lottery, because the life I have is not a bad one. Could it be better? Sure, but it could also be a whole lot worse.

I don't have much to do with the fact that I don't know how it feels to be truly hungry because I've always eaten enough to not get sick. I've always lived in a house or an apartment that had heat during the cold winter months. From the time I was a baby, I've had what I needed provided to me through no effort of my own. I was just born in the right circumstance. Some people aren't born in that same situation. How could I field the assumption that I am better because I am further in life than them? How could I pat myself on the back that I haven't ended up like them because I was able to focus on school instead of worrying about my family paying the bills? How can I possibly judge people when I haven't walked in their shoes and shared their concerns about living in a violent neighborhood, and then say that they're not where I am because they didn't put enough work or imply that I work harder than they do. Kylie is the embodiment of the person I want to be.

The waitress saw that I had switched tables and she bought my food out to Kylie's table.

"So Kylie, what do you do for a living?" I asked

"Are you asking me what I do for a living or are you asking me where I work?"

"I was asking where you work?" I said

"I'm a teaching assistant and I primarily work with special needs children" Kylie said

"Really? Where?"

"The Great Lake School" Kylie responded.

"Wow" I replied, "That's such a coincidence, my niece goes to that school"

"Yeah? Who's your niece? I might know her"

"Her name is Molly Davis" I responded, "She's in fifth grade"

"Oh, I don't think I know her" Kylie said, "I usually work with the younger kids"

"Do you enjoy working there?"

"I love it" she responded

"Isn't it challenging though?"

"It can get challenging from time to time, but aren't most rewarding things pretty challenging?"

Kylie seemed like she might have been about my age or a little younger. There was definitely something really attractive about her and the more she spoke, the more I was drawn to her. She had dark hair with a little purple dye in it. She had piercing brown eyes. She was pretty, but it wasn't like she made the effort. It's a weird thing to say but Kylie's beauty did not have much to do with what made her attractive. There are some people who you just want to be around. Kylie had a nice body but not the kind of body that would stop a room when she walked in, but she had an energy that would. She was so open, yet she didn't seem vulnerable. She had a positivity that could seem infectious, and with all the negativity going on in my life I felt that I would benefit with a dose of positivity that Kylie could provide.

"What do you do for a living?" Kylie asked me

"I work as a captioning assistant"

"Like closed captioning for TV?" she asked

"No. I basically listen to people's phone calls and type out what they're saying. It's mostly for the hearing impaired. They buy a certain type of phone and then they see the words on a little screen"

"Well that's pretty cool"

"No" I sighed. "It really isn't. I'm so replaceable and it's really boring"

"But do you ever hear anything juicy?" Kylie asked

"Not really. I kind of zone out and don't really pay too much attention to the substance of the conversation"

"What would happen if you hear that there's a bomb threat or someone's going to carry out a terrorist attack or something like that?"

"Well" I answered "We signed something that states all the phone calls we have are confidential and we can't do anything in that situation"

"But do you think you would?" Kylie asked

"Yeah, probably" I replied.

The waitress came by to check on us, and since I wanted this conversation and lunch to last a little bit longer, I asked her if she could bring a dessert menu.

"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"I might, I might not" Kylie said

"Are you with anyone?"

"I'm clearly by myself" Kylie laughed as she pantomimed looking around her to suggest that I meant my question literally.

"I mean do you have a boyfriend, are you in a relationship with anyone?"

"No I'm not" Kylie replied, "and that's very sweet of you to ask me that twenty minutes after meeting me, but to be honest, I don't really want to be with anyone in that way?"

"Why not?" I asked

"Well, in the past, being in a relationship hasn't been very fulfilling to me" she started "There's always been some potential, but I end up looking back at it a few months later with regret on how much time I wasted"

"That's unfortunate" I said

"I don't think it is" Kylie responded, "I just think we never stay the same. We change a lot over time and sometimes the person we're with doesn't change at the same pace. Our personalities and our tastes change, so it's unnatural to me that you would stay with one person that whole time"

"But what about your future?" I asked

"What about my future?"

"Well, you work with kids, don't you want to have a husband, have a family and have your own kids some day?"

"If it happens, it happens, but it's not what I'm thinking about" Kylie responded, "I want to change the world Torrey. Have you ever walked into a party with a lot of people and wondered if the party would be any different with or without you there? I don't want that to be my life. I want to change things, I want to figure out a way to make things better and easier for everyone"

"I've had this idea for a while on how we can make this world a little better" I said

"Really?" Kylie asked, "What's your big idea?"

"Well it's a new idea and I haven't figured out the logistics yet, but it involves creating a new currency" I started "I would talk to business owners of restaurants, movie theaters, I would talk to the president of the Green Bay Packers and other people about accepting a new form of currency that isn't dollars. It would be a type of money that you get for doing good things in the community"

"So instead of real money, they would have this fake money?"

"It would be like Lambeau field or Miller Park having a section cleared off in the stadium. The only people who can sit at these seats are people who are paying with these community service dollars that they get from volunteering, or making food for people at a homeless shelter, or something else that helps people in need"

"How would it work?"

"If I had a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen, I could register it somewhere, and we reward people who help out with the incentive of being able to go to places and see things that they wouldn't have been able to afford before. I think there are a lot of people like you who want to do good in the world and make the world a better place, but they don't make enough money and they don't have enough time. This could be an easy way to give people an incentive to do more good"

"I'm just playing devil's advocate here" Kylie started, "But what do you think about paying people for doing charity? Doesn't that change the whole idea of doing charity? Doing something good for someone even if you don't get anything in return?"

"Does it matter?" I asked "It doesn't change the fact that there are people who need help who are getting help in this situation"

"That's a good idea" Kylie finally agreed. "Like you said, there's a lot to figure out, but it's a start"

"I think we have a lot in common Kylie" I said, "There are so many things I want to do change the world, but there's so much drama in my life. So many petty things that need to be taken care of"

"Just walk away from all the drama and petty things in your life"

"It's easier said than done" I scoffed back.

"It's not as hard as you think it is" she responded, "I don't want to tell you how to live your life but you said it was petty drama. I think you understand that in the context of this world, all the things going on in your life don't matter as much as you feel it does"

We were finishing up dessert before I finally asked her for her opinion on something that I had been worrying about.

"I'll admit, I might be over sharing a little bit, but I can tell you a secret?"

"It's your secret" she replied, "You can do what you want with it"

I leaned in a little closer, brought the volume down, and let her in on what's been going on in my world.

"I just found out that my sister is in an abusive marriage" I whispered

"Emotionally or physically?" Kylie asked

"He's been physically hurting her" I responded "He's been leaving bruises on her body"

"That's awful" Kylie said

"I know it's awful" I said "I have an idea of what I should do for revenge, but what do you think I should do"

"Well, what does your sister want you to do?" Kylie asked

"I have no idea"

"What did she say to you?"

"She hasn't told me anything" I responded. "There were a couple times when I look back that I feel like she wanted to tell me, but she hasn't told me anything yet. I found all of this out from one of my friends"

"Are you and your sister close?" Kylie asked

"Yeah, we're pretty close, we're pretty much best friends" I replied

"Then why do you think she hasn't told you?"

I knew the answer to that question but I didn't want to accept it. Laurie knows me and she knows how I would react to that kind of news. She knows that I would not let anyone hurt her and get away with it. Laurie was clearly afraid that I would do something to Ben. She wants me to do nothing except support her, but we all know that doing nothing is not going to be enough for a man like Ben. In my mind, he needed to be punished.

My long lunch with a random stranger was finally over, but I didn't want Kylie to be a random stranger to me. Kylie lives her life in a way that I aspire to live my life and I figured it would help to have her around and be a guide for me.

"Do you mind if I have your number? I had a good time and I'm thinking that maybe we could have lunch again some other time"

"Sure, but Torrey, do you understand why you can't do anything to him?"

"To whom"

"The man who's been abusive to your sister" she replied, "Your sister needs help and she needs to get out of her toxic relationship, but violence and physical retaliation from you is not the answer"

"Why's that?" I asked

"Because it's selfish" Kylie responded

"Selfish?" I responded, taken aback.

"It's selfish because beating up or hurting him is what you want to do, not what she wants. Doing something to him is not being supportive to your sister. If you want to support her, help her get out of this situation. Don't complicate it"

I nodded my head in agreement, though I still had doubts in my mind.

"Torrey, our circles are a lot smaller than we think they are. There are a very limited amount of people who depend on you and a very limited amount of people you can depend on. It can take a lifetime for someone to trust you and depend on you. When you have that, it's really important to never mess that up"

Kylie gave me her phone number, and we both walked out of the restaurant. I offered to pay for her lunch, but she told me to use that money for someone who would need it more. I put the money I would have spent on her back in my pocket and spent it at the bar a couple days later.

I drove home and headed straight for Molly's room. I had wrongs that I needed to make right.

"Molly, can I talk to you for a second?" I asked

Molly didn't respond

"I'm not here to tell you that I'm sorry" I said, "You already know that I am and we both know that saying sorry isn't going to fix it or bring me back to your performance. I'm just here to tell you that I love you and I'm never going to let you down again"

Molly sighed, still not looking at me.

"I know you're not only mad that I didn't come to your show. You're sad because for your whole life you've depended on me and you couldn't imagine a possible scenario that I wouldn't be there for you, and now you feel like you can't depend on me the same way anymore"

Molly's eyes started welling up but she still wouldn't look at me.

"Do you remember before Charlie was born, you asked me what the meaning of life is and why we are alive?"

There were a few seconds of silence as I waited for Molly to answer, even though predictably, she didn't say a word.

"I think one of the reasons we're alive is to simply make things better and easier for the people around us. This includes strangers and people we love and care about. You are the most important person in the world for me and I desperately want to make your life happier in any way possible. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know that no matter how long it takes, I'm going to work as hard as I can to rebuild your trust in me"

I waited for a minute to see if Molly would have a response but she never said anything, so I just walked away. About ten minutes later, she walked into my room, didn't say a word, gave me a hug, and then walked away.

Things were looking up in my relationship with Molly.

I wish I could say the same for everyone else.

A Nuclear Family - How About You