Saturday, Sept 22nd 2018 (7 days before the arrest)

After our show at the Ale Chambers, Adam filled me in on the fight that took place between Javier and Calvin. After convincing Adam to not permanently ban Javier from his bar, I went outside to the parking lot, saw Javier sitting on the hood of his car and had a conversation with him.

"What are you doing?" I asked him as I joined him on the hood.

"I'm too drunk to drive" he said

"Do you want me to drive you home?"

"No man, I'm gonna walk. You better get in there and talk to Hailey before someone else does"

"You can't walk home man, don't worry about Hailey, let's just go" I insisted.

"I'm not ready to go home right now" Javier said

"Then let's talk" I replied.

"No, you need to get going"

"I'm spending the next few minutes sitting on the hood of this car with you" I replied, "We can sit in silence or you can choose to talk to me"

"There's just too much to talk about man, and this is your night. You guys had a great show and I don't want to take anything away from it"

"We'll have more shows Javier, you and I don't have a lot of time to really talk to each other and the best time to talk is when you're really feeling something. I think you're really feeling something right now"

"I'm not feeling anything Torrey" Javier responded, "I don't ever really feel anything besides bouts of anger from time to time"

"What about joy?"

"I haven't felt joy in years. I've smiled and I've had happy moments but I've never had a lot of them string together to give me joy. I can't ever have silence because it brings back too many voices and images in my head. I've heard sounds while serving that I never thought existed until I joined the Army. I thought I've heard screaming before but there's no sound that sounds like hearing your friends or your brothers in agony before they pass away."

"I'm really sorry to hear that" I replied, "I don't know what to say, it's brutal. It's fucking awful that we're in a world like that"

"I know you think you've had problems with sleep, but imagine what it's like to see the faces of some of your deceased closest friends in your dreams and in your thoughts before you fall asleep every night."

"I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy" I replied, "Javier, I don't know how to help you but I desperately want to. I'm not a professional but there are people who have gone through the same things you've gone through and can help you out."

"I'm past helping out now Torrey" Javier replied, "I don't think that things are ever going to get better for me. This is my life now, it may look fine on the outside but it's not fine on the inside."

"I'm sorry"

"I'm not afraid of death anymore" Javier said.

"I'm not trying to make this about me, but you scare me when you talk like that"

"Death is not the worst thing in the world" Javier replied, "10 times out of 10, if I had the choice between death and being trapped, I would choose death"

"Trapped in what way?"

"Just imagine that you've been pushed down a cliff" Javier started, "If you've been pushed down a cliff and there's no way on earth that you can get back up and you're trapped down there for the rest of your life, wouldn't you have wished that you died when you hit the ground?"

"I would" I replied, "But you've not been pushed down a cliff and you do have ways to get back up. It's just about finding the right people to help you"

It wasn't typical of Javier to share too much about the inner-workings of his mind but I think all the alcohol that he had consumed had him more comfortable in telling me his darkest thoughts.

"I'm in a prison Torrey" Javier replied, "My mind is a prison. I hope you never know what it feels like to be trapped in a prison like that for the rest of your life"

Saturday, Sept 29th 2018 (The day of the arrest)

Guns scare me. I think about how something so small can fit in your pocket and be powerful enough to bring the demise of a full human life. Javier had always been a gun enthusiast and we have had many debates on whether civilians should be allowed to own guns in the first place. I felt safe with Javier having one because he was a trained military man, but I did not feel comfortable with any random person walking around with something that could end life with a simple pull of the finger.

I picked Javier up from his house and he sat on the passenger seat and showed me his gun. He still didn't ask me any questions which was unusual of him, but he handed me the gun and I was surprised at how something so small could be so heavy. I placed it in the glove compartment and asked if he was ready to go, and he replied that he was.

We drove over to Adam's bar and then we both walked in. Adam could see Javier and he felt a little uneasy, but he saw that I was with him so that made him feel a little better.

"How's it going gentlemen?" Adam asked

"We're doing great Adam, how are you doing?" I asked

"Doing great. Things are kinda slow today, but I'm not complaining"

Javier and I sat down by the bar and I ordered us a couple drinks.

"What time is your show tonight?" Adam asked

"It starts at 8:30 but I've got to get there at about 6 or 6:30" I replied, "Are you going to be there?" I asked

"I wish dude, You know I would love to support you guys anyway I could but I've got to watch the bar"

"I totally understand" I responded. "There are apparently going to be some big shots at the show, so if things go well for us, you never know what's going to happen"

"Well, good luck man, I hope things go well" Adam said, and then he walked over to check on how his other patrons were doing.

I was waiting for Javier to ask me why I felt like I needed a gun but he had something else that was on his mind.

"I saw her on Thursday" Javier said out of nowhere.

"You saw who on Thursday?" I asked

"Elizabeth" Javier replied.

I sighed as I immediately thought about how I was to blame for Javier making a mistake like that. It drove the point home that I really should have made him come over to Kevin's house.

"Javier" I said disappointingly, "Why would you do that?"

"I don't know Torrey," Javier started, "I just had to see her"

"You should have told me" I said, "I would have talked you out of it"

"I think that's why I didn't tell you" Javier replied, "Look, I knew that she was married now and I knew that nothing was going to happen, but I just had to see her"

"So what happened?" I asked Javier

"We had sex" Javier replied

I tried not to express my disappointment in Javier's decision. I had a full understanding of the hurt that she had caused him and I knew that this was just going to make things worse.

"What happened after that?" I asked him

"She told me leave"

"Immediately after she had sex with you?"

"No" Javier replied "I told her I was going to wait until Calvin got home but she wanted me to leave before that because she's not going to leave him"

"Did you think she would?" I asked him

"I guess a part of me hoped that she would" Javier replied, "Now I no longer have that hope so I guess that's another thing that I don't need to worry about anymore"

"There's more to life than Elizabeth" I told him.

"No there isn't Torrey, not to me"

"Javier, you two haven't been together for a long time"

"I know Torrey, but I never stopped believing that something would happen"

"Well" I responded, "It may not seem like it but that might be a good thing. Maybe having hope wasn't so great because you were never able to get closure. You can have closure now and look forward to the next chapter of your life"

The conversation was getting to be a little too much for me and I was trying to figure out the right words to say to him, but I was taken aback by a familiar face sitting down across the room from me. I had to do a double-take to make sure it was who I thought it was. Javier noticed me looking behind him and turned around too.

"Who are you looking at?" Javier asked me

"Don't worry about it" I said, clearly distracted by what I saw.

"Do you know that group of old men there?" Javier asked with a wry smile on his face.

"No" I replied, "I thought I saw someone else"

"Hmm" Javier said, "Anyway Torrey, I haven't bought it up because I thought that you would. Why do you need the piece?"

"The what?"

"Why did you want the gun?" Javier asked.

"Javier" I replied, "Don't speak so loud"

"Don't worry, there's no one listening. Look, I trust you and that's why I gave it to you, but I need to know why you need it. Are you in any danger?"

"Am I in danger?" I repeated, "No. I'm not in danger. To be honest, I don't really even plan on using it"

"Then why did you want it?" Javier asked.

"I just want to show it to my sister"

Javier was more than a little confused by my response. "Why do you want to show Laurie a gun?"

I realized and decided that it was only fair that I let Javier in on what was going on.

"Laurie's not in a healthy marriage right now" I said

"What do you mean?" Javier asked

"Ben has been physically abusive to her" I responded

"Physically abusive?" Javier repeated, "He's been hitting her?"

"Yeah" I replied, "That son of a bitch has been beating her and leaving bruises on her body"

"To Laurie?" Javier asked, still in a state of shock with this new information.

"Yeah" I replied

"For how long?" Javier replied

"For a while now, I think" I responded, "She used to always have bruises on her body and she used to blame it on the residents she works with, but now I've find out that she's been covering up for Ben this whole time"

"No way" Javier responded

"Yeah. The whole reason that she wanted me to live with her is because she feels safer with me in the house"

Javier was shaking his head in disbelief. Like I said before, Laurie is my big sister but she cares about all my friends and they all view her as a big sister too.

"That's unbelievable" Javier responded and he was building more and more anger within him, "Your sister is a saint, what kind of man does that to a woman. Especially to a saint, like Laurie"

"I know" I replied, "I told her last night that if he touches her again, I'm going to kill him. I'm trying to speed up the process of her leaving him because she needs to be pushed a little bit sometimes into making the right decision"

"I would have beaten the shit out of him right now if I was you" Javier replied

"Trust me, there's nothing I want to do more than tie him to a chair and set him on fire, but I'm doing what Laurie wants me to do"

"Fuck what Laurie wants you to do" Javier replied, "Drive over to wherever he is right now and beat the living shit out of him. If you want to, I'll come join you and we'll do it together"

"I would love to" I said to Javier, "But I need to trust Laurie and believe that she's going to leave him. People tell me it's just going to complicate things if I physically harm him"

"Sometimes you need to protect people from themselves Torrey" Javier said. "I can't believe it, what kind of man treats a woman like that"

"It's terrible" I replied, "But there are more than a few people who do that"

I took a deep breath and pointed something out to Javier

"Do you see that group of men behind you?" I asked him

"Yeah I saw them" Javier replied, "They look like they're in their 70s or 80s, why are you paying so much attention to them?"

"There is a man in the Brewers t-shirt over there, His name is Hank, he's an ex-police officer and I'm guessing those guys that he's with are his old police buddies" I said

"Okay" Javier replied, "So what's the deal with this Hank guy?"

"He has a wife who lives in the same nursing home where Laurie works" I started, "He is very impatient with his wife and he hits her from time to time when he's there. I don't know how often he does it but I've seen him do it on two occasions"

"What?" Javier asked, "and did you tell anyone?"

"Yeah, I tried to" I said, "In fact I confronted him about it"

"And what happened"

"He denied it" I replied, "and everyone who works there knows about it and they all sweep it under the rug and pretend that it doesn't happen"

"His wife doesn't say anything about it?"

"His wife can't speak" I replied, "and he does everything a little subtle, like he would squeeze her old frail hands really hard, or he would clench his fist and punch her in the chin from a real close distance so no one is ever completely sure if they saw it or not"

"What do the other residents say?" Javier asked

"They all love him" I replied, "He buys them flowers, he kisses and hugs them, he's a superstar there, he's basically the most popular person in the nursing home"

"This is truly awful" Javier replied getting more and more worked up. In hindsight, I should have been able to pick up on how angry he was getting, but I kept talking about Hank and kept increasing Javier's level of anger.

"None of the people do anything about it because he brings so much money into the nursing home" I replied, "Laurie's boss doesn't want me to come back there ever again because of my confrontation with him. Hank is basically untouchable at the nursing home"

"Well" Javier replied, "He's not untouchable out here"

"I know" I responded, "It's still really irritating though. Everywhere you turn, you can't miss the injustice"

Javier was steaming mad with all of this new information. You can't forget how truly awful his last few years have been, especially when you couple that with how bad his last couple of days have been.

"Anyways" I said to Javier, as I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life, "I'll be right back, I need to use the bathroom real quick"

I walked away and left Javier alone at the bar for a couple of minutes.

"Hey Adam" Javier called across the bar, "Could I have a shot of whiskey?"

"Here you go" Adam said as he poured a shot. Javier gulped it down, took a deep breath, and then started walking towards the group of old men.

"Hello gentlemen" Javier said as he approached the table. "I'm sorry but I couldn't help but overhear you guys and I heard that you used to be Police Officers. I would be honored if you let me buy you guys your next round"

"Thanks a lot, young man" replied one of the four men sitting at the table. "But you don't have to do that"

"I insist" Javier responded, "I really appreciate what all of you men do for our community and I would love to pay you back"

"The truth is we're probably not going to be here for much longer" Hank replied "But what's your name son?"

"My name is Javier" he replied, "I'm in the Army and I'm town for a little while"

"Javier" said one of the ex-Police Officers. "We should buying you a drink. You're such a brave man, thank you for what you do for our country"

"I need to go back to my friend" Javier said, "This is my last offer to buy you gentlemen a drink. You wouldn't turn down a drink from a Military man, would you?"

"I guess not" Hank replied, "Thanks a lot, son. Stay safe and stay strong"

"Have a good night you guys" Javier said, and then he came back to the bar. A minute later, I came back from the bathroom and joined him there.

"Alright Javier" I said, "I'm going to close my tab, I need to get going to get ready for the show tonight"

"Sounds good" Javier said. We both closed our tabs and walked out of the Ale Chambers.

Javier and I sat in my car for a minute. I could tell that Javier was still deep in thought.

"Are you alright, man?" I asked him

"I'm fine" he replied

"Am I driving you home or do you want to hang out with the rest of us?" I asked him.

Javier put his hands in his pocket and looked around my car for a few seconds

"What are you looking for?" I asked him

"I think I left my phone inside" Javier said to me.

"Alright, go get it" I said to him, and then watched him walk into the bar. I opened the glove compartment and pulled out the gun. I bounced it around in my hand and tried to picture myself in a situation where I actually use it.

"Hey Adam, I left my phone in here" Javier said as he walked into the bar one more time. He saw his phone on the counter and placed it in his pocket, and then walked over to the group of old men again.

"Hello Javier" yelled one of the man and they cheered as they saw him approach the table.

"Hello gentlemen" Javier said to the group. He then put his hand on Hank's shoulder and asked him a question.

"Excuse me sir, I notice that you're wearing a Brewers t-shirt, are you a big baseball fan?"

"Absolutely, I am" Hank replied

"Would you mind coming with me over there?" Javier said as he pointed across the room, "There's a baseball bat that's signed by a famous person, my friend and I were arguing about who he was. Do you think you could settle that argument for us?"

"Sure, young man" Hank responded.

"Great" Javier replied.

Hank stood up and told the rest of the group that he would be back, and then he walked with Javier to the other corner of the bar.

There was a wall filled with sports memorabilia. Autographed footballs, jerseys, basketballs, baseballs, baseball gloves and most importantly, a baseball bat. Javier pulled it down

"Be Careful with that!" yelled Adam from behind the counter

"Don't worry son" Hank yelled back to Adam, "We're just going to take a quick look at this"

"Alright, just be careful" Adam yelled back.

"He's right though, it is pretty valuable so be careful with it"

"Is it really valuable, Hank?" Javier asked him in return

"Hank?" Hank repeated, "Did I introduce myself to you? How do you know my name?"

"It's because I know who you are Hank" Javier replied, "I know all about you. I know your wife, Dorothy, and I know about the things you do to her when you go visit her at the nursing home" Hank could feel a little bit of fear creeping in. They were standing at a place by the window, and I turned my head from inside my car and caught a look at the two of them talking

"Who are you?" Hank asked.

"I hope you like the look of my face Hank, because it's the last thing you're ever going to see"

Hank was just about to yell for help and try to run back to his friends, but it was too late. Javier pulled the baseball bat back, and swung directly at Hank's forehead, sending him crashing towards the ground, after Hank fell to the ground Javier blasted him on the back of his head with the baseball bat one more time before Adam and the rest of the guys charged in to grab Javier and pull the baseball bat away from him. I saw everything happen and without thinking twice, I ran into the bar with the gun in my hand.

Adam called 911 and the Police were immediately on their way. He tried to stop the group of old men from beating Javier up, and typically that would be a fight that Javier would win, but he was on the ground and there were three of them. Javier knew that there was no getting out of this one, and even if he did, he knew he didn't want to spend the next few years of his life in prison. He saw me run in with the gun in my hand and he started pleading to me.

"KILL ME TORREY" he screamed while on the ground in the middle of the brawl. "SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW!"

I froze in panic. Adam saw the gun in my hand and he froze too. The old men did not stop wailing on Javier. I had to make a split second decision. I knew about all the demons that Javier was fighting and I felt that I had to save him from being stuck with his thoughts the rest of his life.

"PLEASE!" I could Javier screaming at me, "PLEASE SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW!"

I hadn't had a lot of experience with guns, but I made the decision that I was going to put Javier out of his misery. I lifted the gun and aimed it directly at his forehead and I pulled the trigger, but it missed him, it hit one of the old men who was on top of Javier, right on the back of his hand

"NOOO!" yelled one of the old men, as they saw an innocent life being taken away due to my incompetence.

I reloaded the gun and again I aimed for Javier's forehead, and this time I got it right. The bullet hit him right between the eyes, and just like that, Javier had breathed his last breath.

Adam stared right at me, and at that exact moment a whole squad of Police Cars surrounded the building. I dropped my weapon and put my hands in the air and then a few seconds later I saw Officer Dan Dean charge into the bar.

"KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!" he yelled at me as he walked into the room. My heavy, shaking hands were trembling in the air.

Officer Dan Dean and his colleagues walked up to me, put my hands behind my back, put the handcuffs on and walked me out to the Police Car.

This was supposed to be the day that my band would get signed by a big label and I would start living my life the way that I had always dreamed, but one terrible moment had completely reversed my fortunes.

A Nuclear Family - Until I Met You (Version 2)

A Nuclear Family - The Spark (Bonus)