"CHICAGO MAKE SOME NOISE!" the loud enthusiastic voice was blaring from the speakers. "LADIES AND THE GENTLEMEN, THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR IS FINALLY HERE. MAKE SOME NOISE FOR YOUR HOMETOWN HEROES, THE ENVY LEAGUE!"

The crowd was going crazy as the drummer walked onto the stage and started kicking the pedals of his bass drum to a steady 4/4 144 BPM beat, leading the crowd to clap along in time. Bit by bit, instruments started layering on top of the beat, it started with a bass guitar, and then the dark sound of low notes being played on the piano, and then a little bit of rhythm was added by one of the guitarists until it finally crescendos into the star of the band, our dear friend Michael.

"The Envy League" is a good visual representation of what I had hoped "A Nuclear Family" would become. It needs to be said that the members of Michael's previous band are a lot more talented than my friends and are definitely a lot more dedicated. It's one thing to be in a band with people who work full time jobs and work with the band as a side project, it's another to be in a band with career musicians.

Michael's band was filled with career musicians but Michael wasn't one of them. Even though he was immensely talented, Michael's focus was on medicine and he was in the middle of a degree that would make him an M.D. Things would have been great for Michael if he stayed in Chicago and played with his band there but he had family in Milwaukee and when a great opportunity opened up for him in a hospital in Milwaukee, he had to grab it with both hands.

Michael found Kevin and the two of them immediately hit it off and became roommates. When Michael found out that Kevin was in a band that was losing it's lead guitarist, it was almost too good to be true.

There was a great mystique to Michael. Kevin, Riley and Davey trusted and looked up to me when it came to things that dealt with the band, but I could feel a changing of the guard when Michael came in and started playing with us. I had a lot of really good ideas when it came to playing music and I had a plan for how we would bust out and make something of ourselves, but it felt a little bit different to hear it from someone who had actually been there and done it before.

"I don't want to step out of line here, but maybe I can give you guys a few suggestions of how to get bigger and play better shows" Michael announced when we were sitting on Kevin's couch smoking a bowl after our first practice as a group.

"Absolutely man, let's hear it" I responded. I wasn't too comfortable with the idea of Michael giving us his opinion but I did not want the rest of the group to realize how petty I could be.

"Well it's just that I've noticed that we've only been playing the songs that Torrey has been writing and we haven't been playing any songs that the fans or the crowd would already know"

"Well Michael," I replied, "I just feel like we have a lot of good original material and I wanted all the songs to be heard. If someone important were to hear us and liked one of our songs, I feel like that in itself would be enough for us to get signed"

"I hear what you're saying Torrey, and again, I hope it doesn't seem like I'm speaking out of turn"

"You're not speaking out of turn, you're in the band now" Riley said, interrupting Michael.

"I was just saying that it might be better if we played some songs that are a little more popular. We could really start building a fan base and then start to get some traction" Michael explained.

"Songs like what" I responded, "Milwaukee seems to have a big country music following, should we play some country for the crowd or some One Direction or Justin Bieber?" I asked sarcastically.

"It doesn't need to be country or teen bop music" Michael replied, "I'm sorry man, that's just my opinion, you can take it or leave it"

"Don't apologize man, I've been saying the same thing for forever, We've had this discussion before" Kevin said.

This was beginning to feel like a Torrey vs. Everybody else argument so I decided that I needed to say something.

"No man," I replied, "If you guys all feel the same way then maybe we should started mixing some other songs in there too"

I didn't want a power struggle but I left Kevin's house that day feeling like I was right in the middle of one.

* * * * *

Thursday, Sept 27th, 2018 (2 days before the arrest)

You can blame it on my anxiety, but at close to 3 A.M. a couple nights before our big show at Henry's, I could not fall asleep because I was tossing and turning with thoughts about everything going in my life. There's not a lot that can be done at 3 in the morning but there was one thing that I could do. More and more, I started to believe that Michael was right about how far the band could go if I wasn't the person singing for it. I was not going to suddenly become a better singer overnight or over the next two days. I made the big decision that I was not going to sing for the band anymore. Though I probably should have waited until after the show at Henry's to make my announcement, I decided that I needed to message Michael immediately to tell him of my decision. I was obviously not going to call him or text him because it would wake him up. I knew that he didn't have the Facebook messenger app on his phone, so I decided that there was no harm in sending him a Facebook message.

"Hey Michael, I know you think that I don't know anything about the conversation that you had with Kevin about how far the band can go with me as the singer. I just want you to know that I'm not mad about it because I think you're right. My voice was never the strength of the band and to be honest, ever since you've joined the band, I've felt that you should be the leader of it. There's just too many things going on in my life right now for me to able to put it as much time and effort into the band as I probably should. I'm not trying to be dramatic but I think the band would just be better off without me being in it. I'll talk to you later man, Torrey"

You might notice that one thing I failed to mention was the fact that I would do this after the show at Henry's. It was 3 in the morning and I wasn't thinking straight so I also forgot to mention the fact that I would still like to write songs for them. It's no surprise that when Michael read my message, he thought that I had deserted the band, but that was never my intention.

It's not like any of that matters anyway. Even if I had it in me to give everything I had to the band, my current predicament would have not put me in a situation that accommodated me playing in the band.

Sitting in prison gives you a lot of time to think. These are the things that I think about.

It's obviously an understatement to say that things would have been better for Javier if he didn't come back home to Milwaukee for a couple weeks. I catch myself sitting back and wondering about all the things that happened and wonder how different things would have been if not for the tiniest of events that could seem insignificant at the time.

I think about Kylie and I wonder about what could have happened with us if only I had the opportunity to spend more time with her. There was definitely something there and I regret meeting her so late. Kylie is going to change the world and make it a better place, and I would have loved to be with her and be a part of that.

I think about Charlie and I wonder if he's going to have any idea who I am when he becomes a man of my age. Charlie was an adorable baby and I used to spend a lot of my time staring at him as he was asleep. He was a representation that all our minds start from nothing and have the ability to be molded into whatever we can make it. I had so many ideas about the different directions that his life could go and now, best-case scenario is me watching it unfold from a distance.

I think about Kevin and I compare myself to him. I envy him for how simple his outlook on life is. There's nothing more that Kevin wants to do than have fun and he lives his life with a degree of freedom that we all wish we could have.

I think about Riley and I wonder how she's going to handle me not being around. In times when our little group felt like it would fall apart, Riley was the glue that held us all together. I hope she leaves this place. She has bigger things in life for her if she would just leave all the pettiness and drama that we seemed to surround ourselves in.

I think about Davey and I wonder if his whole thing with Hailey would become a one night deal or if anything actually happened with that. He's always been there for me and he deserves pure happiness. Davey was the brother I wasn't born to and we have been through so much together. It's a shame that as his best friend, I was never able to help him feel to great about himself. I hope he knows how much I valued his friendship.

I think about Molly and I get excited about all the things that she can be. She's going to be something that I was never able to become. She's going to be a star. She's going to be great because she has the best mother in the world watching over her. I'm not going to stop writing music, maybe in addition to write music for the band, I could start writing music for her. My priority and my biggest success in life is dependent on what happens to her.

I think about Laurie and it brings me to tears almost every time that I do. There has got to be a time in her life where she stops taking care of everybody around her and starts taking care of herself. I worry about what life is to her. She has two amazing human being growing up in her house, and she works too hard to really get a sense of watching them grow. Laurie is the most kind hearted, loving person in the world, and it kills me that life just seems to be one constant struggle after struggle for her.

However, the person I think about the most is someone you've heard about but probably not paid too much attention to yet. I think about the world in which this person doesn't exist and I wonder if I would have been put in this situation if it was not was for her.

I think about Elizabeth.

A Nuclear Family - Anyway

A Nuclear Family - Count Paris (Bonus)