Michael had connections with people in the music industry. Even though it hurt to no longer have Javier play with us, our ceiling was always going to be higher with Michael playing with us in the band. Michael's previous band was signed to a big label because of a show that they did at Henry's which brought the roof down. He received a phone call from an important person which made him believe he had the opportunity to have that happen again.

"One of our guys came over with your Demo. I checked it out and I gotta say, I was pretty impressed by what I heard?"

"Really?" Michael said in response, "I'm glad to hear that Henry, what are the chances that you'll be able to give us a shot and let us do a show there"

"Well Michael you know, the band you're in right now is good but it's not great" Henry replied. "I'm sure you're aware that I've got a reputation of putting great bands on my stage"

"And you just think we're good? Not great?" Michael asked

"I do" Henry replied, "You guys are doing some good things and I definitely think you have potential. You guys are close but I think I might need a few changes and I'd like to see a little more before we have you do a show at Henry's"

"Well" Michael replied, "What do you think we need to do better?"

"I hate to say it Mike, but I think it all starts with the band you have leading the band"

"Torrey?"

"Yeah, if that's what his name is" Henry dismissively responded. "I think the singing needs to be a little bit stronger if you wanted to compete with some of the other bands"

"Is music and art really a competition though?" Michael asked.

"I hate to say it but it is" Henry replied, "Life is a competition. Every thing we do, every aspect of our lives is a competition. You need to look for an edge to succeed. I think a new singer is what you need to put you guys over the top. It's so frustrating because I feel like you guys are so close"

"I appreciate the feedback Henry" Michael responded. "I mean, it is Torrey's band so I'm not sure we can do anything to change that"

"I understand what you're saying Mike" Henry replied, "I'm just speaking to you as a friend and as somebody who's worked with you in the past. There might be a market for him and there may be people who like his voice. I just don't think it's going to work for me. I don't want to make it sound like I'm patting myself on the back but I understand the value of doing a show here so I thought I'd let you know what I think"

"Thanks Henry" Michael replied. "I honestly do appreciate that"

I have always had a semi-irrational fear that everyone I know is plotting to betray me. A fear that my friends only tolerate me and are secretly doing things by themselves and not inviting me. For a long time, I've had a fear that everyone is the band pretends that they enjoy being in the band, but if I leave a practice before anyone else does, they're secretly planning on working by themselves and replacing me.

I have known Davey, Kevin, Riley and Javier for a long time. They had never done anything to make me feel the way that I did, but Michael was new, he did not have the same level of loyalty to me that the others did, and it turned out that my irrational fear wasn't as irrational as I had occasionally thought it was.

It was a few months ago, one day after a practice, Michael and Kevin were having an interesting conversation in their house.

"I think it depends on what you guys are looking for" Michael said

"What do you mean?" Kevin replied

"Do you believe that as it stands right now, the band has the potential to be nationally and globally successful?"

"I don't know Michael," Kevin responded, "I think we're all just having fun, I'm not sure any of us are really planning on selling out stadiums or performing the Super Bowl halftime show"

"But we put a lot of time into it and we don't really make a lot of money doing it" Michael replied "I'm just saying that if we really want to make it worth our while, there are some tough decisions that are going to have to be made"

"What kind of tough decisions?" Kevin asked

"I think the songs are fine, but even if they were some of the greatest songs ever written, no one's going to care if the singing isn't great"

Kevin grew silent as he was piecing together what Michael was suggesting

"I hope you're not thinking what I think you're thinking" He said

"I think you know that I'm right" Michael replied, "If anything were to happen with this band, it wouldn't happen with Torrey doing the singing"

"No one's going to be in the band if Torrey's not in it. He's the one that got us all together, he writes all the songs and the band wouldn't exist without him"

"I agree that he set a good platform for the band" Michael replied, "I'm just saying that if we want to get to the next level, we need to be a little professional and have an actual singer leading the band"

"We should just stop right there" Kevin said, "No one's getting my vote for kicking Torrey out of the band"

"It's not about kicking him out, he can still write the songs and he can still play an instrument, but we'll be better if we had another singer"

"Nope" Kevin replied, "I'm done talking about it, this is Torrey's band and I'm not going to be a part of it if he's not singing"

"Kevin, I think you should know just one more thing" Michael said.

"What's that?"

"I've talked to Henry. You know we've had a relationship from when I was with 'The Envy League' and he thinks that we have the stuff to be really successful. We could be playing a show at Henry's anytime we want, but he tends to believe that Torrey is holding the band back" Michael reported.

"Did he say we would never be able to play there as long as Torrey is in the band?"

"He didn't say that"

"We'll change his mind" Kevin replied, "We'll make it there to Henry's and we'll do it with Torrey. These are Torrey's song and I refuse to do them without him"

"Alright" Michael said, "That's fine, I'm not trying to offend anyone. Forget I said anything"

"Done" Kevin replied.

News travels fast in our little clique. Little time had passed before that conversation was passed from Kevin to Davey and then Davey to me.

I wasn't sure how to feel about the whole thing. I wasn't necessarily surprised by what I heard but I felt betrayed. The thing that hurt the most was that in my heart, I believed that Michael and Henry were right.

* * * * *

Thursday, Sept 27th 2018 (2 days before the arrest)

I made plans to grab a few drinks at Ale Chambers with Javier, but those plans had to be cancelled because Kevin called all of us from the band and said we had to meet at his house for a practice because he had a big announcement to make. I felt really bad about cancelling plans with Javier because I knew he was only going to be in town for a short time, and even though he was pretty popular in High School, he didn't really have many other people to hang out with.

"I'm sorry, but Kevin says we all need to be at his house for a band practice and he made it sound like it was urgent" I told Javier over the phone

"It's alright, are you doing anything tomorrow?" Javier responded

"I don't think so, but we can still hang out tonight if you want to come over to Kevin's place?"

"No, that's alright Torrey, I've got a couple things I need to take care of anyway" he responded.

I wasn't sure how I felt about seeing the whole band for a practice. Things had been a little weird since our last show. It was a little strange because we always spend a lot of time together, but between the drama surrounding my sister and the fact that I lost out in the battle for Hailey's affection, I was too preoccupied to see any of them.

I drove over to Kevin's house and I noticed that everyone except for Kevin was there. I pulled over to his driveway and walked into his basement.

"How's it going everybody?" I said to the room as I walked in. Davey, Riley and Michael all greeted me with a hug as I walked down the stairs.

"Long time no see man, how's it going?" Michael asked

"Things have been going well Michael, how are you doing?" I asked

"Doing great, do any of you guys know anything about Kevin's announcement or is he planning on surprising all of us at the same time." Micheal asked

"I don't know anything about it" I replied

"It's probably got something to do with doing a show somewhere because he said he wanted us to practice tonight" Davey said.

Luckily for us, we didn't have to sit in suspense for too long as Kevin arrived a few minutes later.

"How's everybody doing?" Kevin asked, as he walked triumphantly into the room.

"We're all doing great, Kevin" Riley responded, "What's all of this about?"

"There's a band that was supposed to play at Henry's on Saturday but they won't be able to do the show" Kevin started, "They want to know if we would have any interest in playing?"

"Henry's?" I asked

"Yes" Kevin replied

"The day after tomorrow?" Riley asked

"Yes" Kevin replied

"What did you tell them?" I asked

"What do you think I told them?" Kevin responded, "I said yes. We're not going to get many opportunities or chances to play at a place like this"

Playing a show at Henry's is a very big deal. There have been occasions where recruiters come to the show to sign people to their labels. I wasn't as eager as the others to get signed but I did recognize the importance of it. There are the obvious advantages to being signed like being able to showcase your music to a bigger group of people and also being able to make much more money, but there are also disadvantages. Being signed to a label can often mean that you don't have as much creative control as you would like. Being the person who writes all the songs, that's important to me. However, I could tell that being popular and making more money was more important to everyone else.

"Well, we don't have a lot of time" Davey said

"We'll do the best with what we have" Kevin responded.

There was something about Kevin and this whole situation that wasn't sitting right with me. When it comes to the band, I had always been the one who took control, but now that a label was potentially involved, Kevin decided it was time for him to take charge of the band. It may be possible that his conversations with Michael had led him to decide that if we had a future, he had to play a bigger role.

"I don't think it's a good idea. We don't play to get signed, we play because we want to make music the way we want to" I said

"What's that going to do for us Torrey?" Kevin asked, "Are you satisfied with your $10 an hour paycheck?"

"Obviously not" I responded

"That's why we've got to do this. Henry's is calling us and asking them if we're going to play there. We can't let it slip away"

Like I said before, Henry's was typically not a place which opened itself for being asked about performing. If you were going to be doing a show at Henry's, Henry's would always be the one who would call you.

"I gotta step out for a little bit" I said to the group as I walked out for a cigarette break. I was followed out by Michael.

We stood outside in silence for a couple of minutes before Michael broke the silence.

"Everything alright Torrey?" Michael asked

"I'm fine" I responded "Why do you ask?"

"You've just seemed a little out of sorts lately" Micheal responded

"I don't know, Michael" I said "I guess I just haven't been sleeping much lately so I'm really tired lately"

"Why haven't you been sleeping?"

"There has been a lot of things going around my head lately" I replied "I just think too much and I've been finding it really hard to fall asleep"

I didn't get into specifics with Michael on why I haven't been able to fall asleep. The reason I have been having trouble sleeping lately is because I have a lot of anger. It's directed at a lot of people. I think about Hank and what he does to his wife. I think of Cindy and how she has got to know that I'm telling the truth about Hank, but she chooses to look the other way. I think about Ben and what he's been doing to Laurie and I fantasize about the horrific things that I could do to him, I think about whichever one of my friends it was who slept with Hailey when they knew how I felt about her.

Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting against myself. I have a conscience, but my mind forces itself to think thoughts that are bad. When I'm falling asleep, I try to distract myself with music or the sound of the TV in the background, but I can't help myself from thinking about things that I know are going to keep me awake at night. My brain knows what it needs to do and it just won't do it and it drives me crazy.

"Do you smoke weed?" Michael asked.

"Not too much, it really only depends on who I'm hanging out with"

"You should smoke before you go to bed" Michael said, "It'll help you fall asleep"

I nodded in agreement.

"How's Javier doing?" Michael asked.

"I'm not sure what he's up to" I responded. "I was supposed to hang out with him tonight until Kevin called us with this new bullshit"

"Do you miss having Javier in the band?" Michael asked

"I miss having Javier around all the time" I said "He's a good, solid, decent guy. He's always been there for me when I needed him"

"I know you and I don't really have that kind of relationship" Michael started, "But I really do enjoy playing with you"

"I enjoy playing with you too Mike, you're obviously a lot more talented than anyone else in the band" I said, "I'm sorry if I've given you the impression that I'm unhappy about you replacing Javier."

"I don't blame you" Michael said.

"I've just never liked the idea of Javier being in the Army" I said to Michael, "I don't get to communicate with him too much and when I do, I hear about friends that he's made who have died near him. I hear about him seeing his friends take their last breaths, and I realize it's selfish of me to think this, but all that does is make me worry about when he would take his"

"Well" Michael said "It's not selfish for you to care about him. I guess we can just hope and pray that things get better"

"It's Javier" I said "He puts his life on the line for all of us and he deserves a lot more respect than he gets. He loves his country, but how much do you think he matters to his country? He might get a free meal from a restaurant once in a while but he's not the same man he was when he left. He is easily spooked and his temper is a lot shorter than it used to be, and if he ever becomes a problem to someone, you can bet he's not going to get the benefit of the doubt"

"I agree that we could do more but do you really believe that's the case with him?" Michael said, "I've met Javier and he seems fine"

"You're probably right, but I do know that he's going through a lot right now and I have a feeling that it might not take too much to trigger a reaction out of him" I responded. "I just think of the worst possible things that could happen. I guess I never wanted him to join the Army. I'm proud of him, but I'm always terrified for him. He was the smartest and kindest out of all of us and probably has the brightest future. I would just be devastated if anything were to happen to him"

"Right" Michael said

"Plus, you heard about what happened after the show with his ex-girlfriend and her husband right?"

"Yeah I did"

"He's definitely not over how things went down with Elizabeth, and I worry about the ways that her presence can mess with his mind. I've heard the way he talks about her and it's just not healthy. I spent a lot of time talking with him on the hood of his car and I'll be honest. It spooked me"

"Really?"

"Yeah he's got some pretty dark thoughts and he seems really depressed" I said, "I'm worried about him right now. He doesn't need a chaperone but I feel safer being around him. I don't know what he's up to right now"

"Have you thought about talking to someone and getting him some help?" Michael asked

"Yeah I have" I replied, "There's not much I can do because he's not going to be here much longer, but I do want to talk to him and have him talk to a professional"

Riley came back outside to let us know that they wanted to get back to practice. I was still not thrilled about the idea of doing the show at Henry's but I was clearly outnumbered in the way I felt, so I decided I would go back in and just go with it, but one more thing needed to be discussed between Michael and I.

"Hey Michael" I said as we were about to walk in, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question"

"Sure"

"I'm just curious, and not that it's any of my business, but did anything happen with you and Hailey after our last show?"

"Hailey?" Michael responded.

"Yeah"

"Are you talking about the girl who you wrote a song about?"

"Yes, that Hailey"

"No" Michael responded, "Look, I know we're not the kind of people who call each other 'bro's' but I feel like there are some unwritten rules about stuff like that"

"You can do whatever you want with whoever you want" I said

"Look Torrey, I know how much it meant to you to see Hailey again. I wouldn't have done anything with her without making sure you were okay with it"

"I appreciate it" I said

"I know I don't owe you anything" Michael responded, "It's just not something that friends do though"

You know what that means. It meant that my perspective needed to change as it related to someone very close to me.

Davey was the one who went home with Hailey after the show.

A Nuclear Family - No Or Yes

A Nuclear Family - I Saw You (Bonus)