Holden

“I remember when I was in eighth grade, I was invited to a confirmation by my friend who had a big family. I was one of two guests who weren’t white. There was me, a Puerto Rican kid, and this other boy who was Chinese. During the party, we all gathered around to take a group picture by the photographer who was Hispanic. As we smiled, instead of saying “cheese”, all these kids who I thought were my friends mumbled “spic” under their breath. I was so shocked and hurt that I went into the bathroom and just cried. Then I came out and walked home. It was miles. I didn’t even know how to react. After the confirmation, something shifted. I just started going through the world unconnected. I would sit in class and think. I would wonder how the world could be so fucked up. I was on autopilot - going through the motions, and not much else. 

During my teen years, I struggled with depression and anxiety. I felt like I was in the depths of life, so I tried to find any way I could to cope with it. I started turning to drugs and alcohol. They were easy to access and everyone was doing it. At first I was just smoking weed and drinking, but then I began to take pills like xanies and worse drugs. It would be fun to be at a party with my friends, and for an hour or so, life would be fun, too - I was distracted. But, the mornings the next day were awful. I would come down just as high as I had gone up the night earlier. I felt even more alone than I had before. 

The only thing that helped me during these years was poetry. It made me feel heard and cared about. When I was in sixth grade, my teacher submitted a poem I wrote to a competition and I won. I got to perform at a local theater. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was good at something. From there, I kept writing, and started going to poetry slams. Then, towards the end of middle school, I entered this huge competition for the whole Tri-state area. The top twenty poets got to perform at the Apollo theater in Harlem, and I was chosen. The top five from that group was selected for a “New York” team in an international poetry competition. Once again, I was picked. All summer long, our team wrote and performed together. We were like a family. At the competition, we got third in the world. I was only fourteen and it is still one of my proudest accomplishments to this day. Being up on the stage was so empowering. I felt heard. I still write poetry now whenever I feel stressed. Writing a couple of lines makes me feel better.” - Holden, NRHS alum and history teacher at Bronx High School for Law, Government and Justice