Experimental Expression

My older sister has always been a tremendous inspiration for everything I do. I remember copying her artstyle when I was about four years old, barely understanding the concept of art, artstyle, and gradients. I remember vandalizing various books and furniture with my trusty pack of colored markers. My sister has always supported my creative endeavors even if it cost her a few of her favorite manga books. She bought me my first Faber-Castell oil pastels, my first Sakura watercolor, and on my most recent birthday she spent her salary to buy me oil paints. With that amount of support I really don’t want to disappoint her and I am more determined than ever to improve my artistic abilities and make art a possible main career choice for me. I already have a basic understanding of anatomy, composition, perspective, lighting, and painting but I need to refine those abilities and become more versatile (studying and experimenting with new media like oil paint) in order to be accepted in an art university and succeed in the field of art. Refining said abilities will need to entail output sketches of each individual skill as well as practice pieces combining two or more skills. I have been told that studying art at a university is not particularly important to be able to succeed in art but I would like to have the credentials and reliability that comes with it. As such, taking advantage of the opportunity Personal Project has granted me, I will have an insightful study as well as finish a relatively ambitious project.

Product Goal

As a growing teenager, I find myself often confused about who I am as a person and who I will become; if I can be successful and support myself in the future. I am full of doubt and anxiety as to who I am and put off fully understanding myself in fear of finding something I do not like about myself. However, I think it is unhealthy to keep putting it off and I believe it is time to explore myself as a person in a deeper sense and allow myself to grow. Hence why I have decided to create a 120 by 80 centimeters oil diptych (two paintings that correspond to each other) oil painting with myself as the main theme. Additionally, art universities also often look for self-portraits in a portfolio because understanding how a person views themself is a direct correlation to their actual self. Essentially, I would like to understand myself better and hope to express my abstract emotions in a creative and artsy outlet with this project.

Reflection

Starting this project seemed easy enough during the planning stage and during the completion of the Learning Goal. Everything was planned out and leading up to the big two blank canvases I would use as a medium to express my deepest insecurities, fear, and joy. Not only that, I would have to make sure the fruits of my Learning Goal was present artistically or else I would fail. While yes, the concepts and practice of anatomy, lighting, perspective, and composition were something I had prior skill of— oil paints were entirely foreign to me in practice. Learning how to use oil paints is definitely something I had always wanted to accomplish but hadn’t until this Personal Project opportunity came because I was worried I would be wasting money on another art product that I may not even like. Thankfully, I was able to decide that the growth as an artist I would have by learning how to use oil paints was greater than the irrational fear. The process of learning oil painting was the only aspect of my Learning Goal to not come from YouTube, instead I allowed myself to learn through experimentation. That being said, my experimentation did come from an amalgamation of information I have retained from various oil painting videos I consumed on and off as well as my sister who was guiding me through the phone. Perhaps that is why I was able to pick up the properties of oil painting so easily, instead of simply watching one video and doing as the author suggested, it came much more naturally and in my specific style which transferred through in my final product. To be completely honest, I was worried I would not be able to complete my two paintings because it would have technically been the second and third time respectively that I would use oil paints. It is true that I still have a long way to go in terms of perfecting how to use oil paints exceptionally, but I am proud of what I was able to accomplish both artistically and personally.

Product Evaluation

The final product I have completed is exactly the intended Product Goal: “I will create two 120x80 cm oil paintings with the theme being “Karyn” (myself).” I intentionally chose a somewhat vague Product Goal in the first place because I did not want to define/restrict myself so early on in the process, that way I would be able to improvise the details of my product during the painting process itself if need be. Both paintings are self portraits, one was about my fear of falling short of being a “good” person and the other was about my disconnection from my culture and the commonality between the two is my self image. Self-portraits are quite difficult to accomplish because I (like many other teenagers) cannot stand to stare at my own face for a long period of time. The situation felt even worse because oil paints are notorious for their long drying period, coupled with the small space of my apartment and the one meter canvas, the only place to put the paintings was in front of the dining table to which I had to stare at my unfinished face as I ate breakfast. Although it was important to “trust the process” and having an “ugly-phase” when painting was completely normal and means the piece is nearing completion, I was still uncomfortable with the situation. I realize in hindsight that that sense of dysmorphia was partly the reason why so many people who answered my survey said it felt very personal, because it was. I was struggling with my image real time while painting other insecurities I had. Every project for me is going to be more personal than it is technical but I would not be opposed to that. In a way, I am glad to be so comfortable and open with myself and others. Of course having good technical skills is still important and I think I did well in them but I feel that as long as I keep having that personal touch that is uniquely “me”, I can take my time further improving my technical abilities.