A rambling...12.24.04

Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2004 9:17 pm

Note to Dawn -

Amazing how your leaving is impacting - drawing closer, waking up, reminding gently, teaching, inspiring - people. Your ripple is sweet and genuine and dear - as real as you.

I am not enjoying "without you". I am not looking forward to 4 to 40 years without you sister. They will come, but they will be empty of your way, of your perspective.

How did the oceans not cease their crashing when they realized you were gone? Waves, asking themselves, "Why crash if she is not here to enjoy us?" How indeed?

We sang Amazing Grace together in the car on the way to your wedding. We sang together whenever we were in the car. I will always think of you singing. You SO enjoyed your connection with spirited music - anything with animation (sad or happy, but mostly happy).

My routines seem flat and windless - though the swans on Monday were dreamy. Wolves. Celtic knots. Fantasy Realms. Ever Quests. Dragons. Cats, oh Gen kitten. Dogs - dear, faithful, joy bringing good friends. AIM...mac-n-cheese, jerky, eggnog. Alasksa. Atlanta. Canada. Your own writer's loft in Carmel Valley. The honor of you black belts. The hug of your arms. The smile of your face.

Oh, how you called us all "toadeys". Ashley and Sue and Gretchen miss you terribly. So do the parents. My life is forever changed. Forever a little less important - a little less about me and more about finding you.

Funny about Todd. Glad about his letter to you...I needed that heaven/dog story. I could have liked for you to lean on me more, but you had you life. You've seen now that I did not know about all of your pains. I would have wielded a sword with you - at your side - every day, every minute had I known the weight/your pain.

You can see all that now, can't you? From your current vantage, can't you see?

and so,

i love you dearly,

you know that,

chris