Astrology 101: How to become an astrologer and make money easily

Dr. M. Sathya Prasad 

Client: My future is pretty messed up and I feel like banging my head against the wall

Astrologer: (studies horoscope carefully) Sir... yours is not a horoscope - it is horrible-scope and a horror-scope

Client: Oh! My Goodness! Dear... dear... what should I do now?

Astrologer: I just made a cursory glance. For fifty rupees, I could look at the planets closely

Client: How?

Astrologer: That is the reason your life is messed-up. You have no brains and keep asking too many questions. If you want to look closely, you must use a microscope. Did you not read biology?

Client: But... I thought we need to see the planets using a telescope. I have read physics – flunked - but this one I remember. Which is my worst planet?

Astrologer (in a Kerala accent): Mercury

Client (with raised eye-brows): Marie Curie?

Astrologer: I am not certain.

Client: Not Saturn? Then is it Venus?

Astrologer: You Venus is a ‘vain ass’ and absolutely has no scope.

Client: How is Mars?

Astrologer: Quite sweet. Just had the candy bar.  After Mars comes April, and in June your Neptune goes out of tune. There is also a comet in your horoscope and that doesn’t make things easy.

Client: Comet? The one with a long tail?

Astrologer: Yes. The tail has all the detail to make your entire life a comety… sorry! I mean, comedy!

Client: Please give me some hope

Astrologer: Nope! Seems your planets are on some dope! You seem to have Raagu Dasa

Client: Yes! I did have some Raagi Dosa in the morning.

Astrologer: Always thinking of eating! Dirty fellow!

Client: Please help me.

Astrologer: Well the problem is, Saturn and Moon must come close. Then your life would be better.

Client: Say, now what the heck is the problem with Saturn and moon? I am not asking them to stand apart!

Astrologer: Saturn and Moon cannot come close since there is Ketu in between!

Client: Why in heaven did Ketu get in between Saturn and Moon? There are so many empty boxes left in my jataka!

Astrologer: You might say so. So many empty spaces like your brain. Dumb fellow, each empty space in the jatakam is a real estate. Given the high cost of real estate, Ketu couldn't get an affordable housing elsewhere. All the empty boxes in your jatakam are prime real estates. The only place Ketu could afford is to snuggle between Saturn and moon! And that is exactly the slum area in your jatakam.

Client: Now how should I get rid of this Ketu fellow?

Astrologer: Now you are getting some brains. If you could do a pooja for five thousand rupees, we would be able to vacate Ketu

Client: ...and then?

Astrologer: Change your name to Sethu.

Client: Why?

Astrologer: Because, Sethu rhymes with Ketu

Client: Sethu? That is a dangerous name. Some political parties hate the name Sethu. Look what happened to Sethu Samudram Channel…

Astrologer: Maybe you are right... Then become a Punjabi and change your name to Sethi.

Client: So, all my problems would get solved if I become a Punjabi! OK! Fine. But Sethi does not rhyme with Ketu...

Astrologer: No problem! Then let us change Ketu's name to Keti! Keti and Sethi rhyme well and seem perfectly numerological. Who knows! After this name change, even Ketu's financial position could improve, and he wound stop troubling messed-up persons like you. I could do that at a low cost of thousand rupees! Special rate for you since your life is so screwed-up.

Client: So, I pay six thousand rupees and remove Ketu or Keti or whatever, where would the poor Ketu go, especially with his changed name?

Astrologer: That is Ketu's problem. You are getting screwed in life because instead of minding your problem, you are worrying about somebody else's problem.

Client: ...and then?

Astrologer: I would also sell you a ring to get rid of some Dhoshaas

Client: I told you. I just had some for breakfast.

Astrologer: You idiot, those are dosas. Food, food, you always focusing on food, eating all the time! I am talking about ring for ridding you of dhosaas.

Client: But why a ring?

Astrologer: Got to do with Saturn. Saturn has rings - rings a bell? Anyway, you flunked physics, you might not know. If you wear a ring, there would be a ring-ring cancellation.

Client: Ring-for-a-ring. Just like an eye-for-an-eye of Hammurabi.

Astrologer: Precisely. You are not too bad! You seem to have never flunked in history.

Client: You are a genius

Astrologer: You are being dumb and that helps me a lot as well.

Client: Coming to the ring, I could afford one in silver. Say, what stone should I purchase – ruby, emerald, topaz…?

Astrologer: Do you prefer any particular stone?

Client: Yes. Sharon Stone.

Astrologer: Dirty fellow. I have a lucky stone for you. It is unique. One of its kind in the world. Here it is. Take it and set it in a silver ring. Just sets you back by five hundred rupees.

Client: What kind of stone is this? Looks weird. Never seen anything like this before!

Astrologer: It is my kidney stone. Got a few removed last month. 

Client: You want me to wear a ring set with your kidney stone???!!!!

Astrologer: It is like Naga-ratnam. I saved one for you. Make a ring with it and wear. All planets would run helter-skelter. Only five hundred rupees.

Client: Now if we remove Ketu? Would Saturn go into the empty cell or would moon nudge itself near Saturn?

Astrologer: Good that you mentioned "empty cell". I must buy a new cell-phone. If we keep the pooja soon enough, your payment would help me get a Nokia - Ok?

Client: I see... Removal of Ketu and your cell phone purchase are connected.

Astrologer: Everything is connected my son! That is the universal law. Talking of which, Univercell phone shop is running deals on Nokia

Client: You say everything is connected... but my cell phone keeps dropping connections.

Astrologer: Change your service provider my son.

Client: Oh! God! This conversation is taking different directions.

Astrologer: Thanks for reminding God. Are you paying by cash or cheque? 6000 rupees?

Client: My fate. A misplaced Ketu is costing me six thousand rupees! Hmmm... please remove the Ketu or Keti or whatever.

Astrologer: I also see that we could do a bit of work on your planet, Guru.

Client: What is the problem with my Guru?

Astrologer: I do not see it in your horoscope and I just know where it is

Client: How much would it cost me to set straight my Guru?

Astrologer: Nothing much. He seems to have jumped right from your horoscope into your tummy!

Client: How did you know that?

Astrologer: I could see Jupiter’s effect on Uranus

Client: How is that?

Astrologer: Guru is Jupiter, and Jupiter is full of gas. Uranus is clogged. Therefore, it has been blocking discharge of your Pluto and is instead belching-out Jupiter. Ever since you stepped in, you have been causing me asphyxiation. You need to evacuate bowels, defecate...

Client (sheepishly): Just suffering from some indigestion.

Astrologer: Food, food, you always focusing on food, eating all the time! Here! Take some antacid. I do not charge for certain services I discharge, keeping in mind the greater welfare of mankind. Take antacid twice a day after meals and your Jupiter should come under control. Uranus might otherwise explode, unable to handle so much pressure from Jupiter. Your Pluto, imprisoned by Uranus, deserves freedom into the cesspool. Foolish fellow.

Client: I am blushing...

Astrologer: First you go home, release your Jupiter, use a suppository and flush your Pluto, and then wipe Uranus clean. Greenhouse gases are bad for Earth.

Client: Thanks for taking care of all my planets. Wish things would work as cheap as an antacid. Sigh! Here is the cash.

Astrologer: Ok Mr. Sethi, Bye!

Ps.: I don't believe in any kind of astrology. Astrology is fake and all astrologers are charlatans. And for sure, those who believe in both are credulous.