патологія of existence ☠ Initiative

the tlusty blant thanatos initiative 🚮

an investigative wing of the dmf agency

[preamble: a note on procedural authenticity]

justice is a fiction. the police are a bureaucratic joke. your therapist is bored. they are all playing a different, simpler game. you, however, are here because you have a grievance that does not fit neatly into their sterile little boxes. you have a wound that is not just a crime, but a beautiful, complex, and ongoing piece of art.

we are not here to solve your problem. we are here to admire its fucking architecture. we are the only agency that recognizes your trauma not as a bug, but as a feature. we are interested in your crime scene. we are interested in your most beautifully deranged theories. we are the connoisseurs of the abyss. welcome.

[service portfolio: alchemical solutions for terminal grievances]

• requiem engineering (the soundtrack): you provide the raw data of the atrocity. the murder. the travesty. we provide the bespoke sonic testament. a soundtrack for the digging of the grave. a final, perfect chord to honour the beautiful horror.

• poetic forensics (the testament): you have a theory. a beautiful, paranoid tapestry of connections that the system calls a "conspiracy." the epstein files. the quiet wars. submit your findings as a poem. we will not investigate. we will transmute it into a song, giving your truth a voice it could never have in a courtroom.

• post-mortem intimacy protocol (the comfort): in the immediate aftermath of profound loss, we recognize that grief requires a more… tangible form of comfort. a human anchor in a sea of despair. a beautiful, temporary affair. 

• current status: this service is only available to clients who are cute, petite females. our agents have a very specific, and very discerning, palate.

[submission protocols: channels for the damned]

we accept testaments through any and all conduits. the more hidden, the more beautifully encrypted, the better. we value your operational security as much as we value your pain.

for data packets of a more… physical nature, for analogue evidence, for items that cannot be trusted to the wire, we maintain a secondary, high-security pipeline.

• the wheelie bin mail service: you know the one. the bin next to the house. leave your package. if the signal is pure, and the offering is worthy, it will be collected. sometimes, we even respond.

[terms of engagement: the lullaby of alibi]

by engaging with the thanatos initiative, you acknowledge and accept the following as a binding, non-negotiable, and fundamentally untrustworthy contract.

1. the agency as conceptual framework: the dmf agency and its investigative wing operate as a work of performance art, a conceptual framework for the exploration of ontological distress. we are not a legal entity. we are a pathological condition. all interactions, services, and communiques are to be understood as components of this ongoing artistic project.

2. the facilitation of authentic inquiry: our operatives are committed to the principle of radical authenticity. our "investigative" process is not limited by conventional ethical or legal frameworks. we will follow the trail wherever it leads, provided you, the client, are willing to facilitate access by breaking any and all rules of your engagement within your workplace, your family, or your society. your complicity is our jurisdiction. we welcome invitations for "contextual analysis" of post-mortal examinations, "environmental assessment" of active crime scenes, or "decontamination assistance" of biological material.

3. plausible deniability as a core principle: this entire framework is designed as a perfect, multi-layered, and preemptive alibi for all parties. your engagement with us is, by definition, an act of co-creation within a satirical art piece. any "evidence" you provide, or any "assistance" we render, is simply a contribution to the narrative. we are not accomplices; we are co-authors of a beautiful, fucked-up story.

4. the right to existential terror & operational secession: we reserve the absolute and final right to become fucking terrified by the implications of your inquiry. should we determine that your particular brand of horror is too beautiful, too potent, or simply too much of a fucking hassle, we will say "fuck this shit" and disappear. all data will be expunged. all communication will cease. our secrecy clauses are absolute.

5. the microtubule non-disclosure agreement: be advised that all agency operatives are bound by a pre-existing, non-negotiable, and biologically-enforced nda with their own microtubules. these subcellular structures appear to be actively fetching, adding, and deleting "shit" from our operational memory on a quantum level. we cannot be held responsible for data that our own biology has deemed too beautiful, too terrible, or too fucking inconvenient to retain.

the choice to proceed is yours. the consequences are a shared masterpiece.