Searching for your purpose in life? Here’s your answer!

Ever since I discovered many years ago that our -- and other -- perambulating life forms were created by trees as 'portable fertilizer sources,' I have never again had to wonder about my life purpose.

To try this out, select a hungry-looking tree, scoop out a deep hole at its base, and deposit your offering in a sacred manner. Cover it up well or some animal will dig it up, leave no tracks and voila! -- you've performed your 'purpose!' No need to search for life’s meaning anymore!

I believe that we first come to this planet as a visiting human (portable fertilizer and seed distributor) but not yet a member of Gaia's Garden, in which all other species live a nirvana-like blissful existence. If you prove nurturing to Gaia's Garden, you will be allowed to re-enter it after death as any member you chose - a hummingbird, a raspberry bush, a dolphin - over and over in sheer delight! But if you prove harmful to Gaia's Garden, you will have to return as a human over and over again until you awaken. For example, the minute Donald Trump dies, his higher self (soul?) will look back at his existence and think, "Oh my, I've been terribly greedy! I'd better reincarnate as a scabby beggar in Bombay eight or nine times to balance this!" Karma does balance itself out, but is chosen by each individual soul and not imposed as a 'punishment.'

Speaking of punishment, I was disciplined at boarding school by being barred from athletics.for getting myself and two friends drunk on the train Instead I was told to run a five-mile triangle one of whose side passed through a wooded area. The wooded side I walked to appreciate it more, and the exercise also triggered peristalsis. I would crouch beside a tree to relieve myself, feeling somewhat self-conscious but at the same time enjoying the pleasure of pooping in the great outdoors. I felt that the trees were viewing me with appreciation and love. Through their underground tree 'network' - Gaian internet? - they spread the word that this human form was fulfilling his fertilizer-porting role and was 'friendly to the Garden.' Ever since, I have been blessed with great good fortune in terms of health and friends and a sense of general optimism.

So my final suggestion is, "Poop under a tree - invisibly! Fulfill your destiny! Never worry again about your purpose in life!" Why else do you think that fruit trees surround their seeds with delicious-tasting flesh?

PS: A quote from a dear friend: 'Shitting in your house is so barbaric. Only gorillas foul their nests, and they build a new one every evening.'