The best first date conversation starters are open questions about everyday life, like what they're looking forward to this month or what a perfect day looks like to them. Then ask a follow-up about their answer. Harvard researchers found that people who asked follow-up questions were better liked by the people they talked with.
You don't need a script. You need a handful of easy openers, the habit of following up, and a sense of which topics to save for later. Here are questions sorted by theme, simple follow-up techniques, topics to skip early on, and how to end the night with a clear next step.
A team at Harvard studied more than 600 people chatting online and 110 speed-daters in over 2,000 conversations. In all three studies, people who asked follow-up questions were better liked. In the speed-dating data, the top third of question askers got the most second dates. The researchers estimated that asking just one more question on each of 20 dates would win a yes to a second date on about one more of them, on average.
The researchers explain why: "Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said."
There is a limit. Co-author Alison Wood Brooks of Harvard Business School warns that a barrage of questions without sharing anything about yourself can come across as guarded or even invasive. The Association for Psychological Science adds that rude or repetitive questions can backfire. The goal is a back-and-forth, not an interview.
Easy openers
What was the best part of your week?
How did you end up living around here?
What does a free Saturday usually look like for you?
Read, watched or listened to anything good lately?
Work and passions
What part of your work do you actually enjoy?
What could you talk about for an hour without getting bored?
What's something you're learning or getting better at right now?
Food and travel
What's your go-to order at a place like this?
What's the best meal you've had on a trip?
If you could leave tomorrow, where would you go?
Growing up
What were you obsessed with as a kid?
Is there a family tradition you still love?
What's a small thing from your hometown you miss?
Fun hypotheticals
These come from the 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness, a set of questions from a 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues that the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley shares:
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
Looking ahead
What are you looking forward to this month?
What's something you've always wanted to try?
What does a really good weekend look like to you?
Grab one detail. Pick something specific from their answer and ask about it. "You said you just started climbing. What got you into it?"
Ask how and what, not just yes or no. "What was that like?" opens more doors than "Was that fun?"
Ask about the feeling, not only the facts. "Were you nervous moving somewhere new?"
Share, then hand it back. Greater Good explains that the 36 Questions rely on taking turns opening up at a similar pace. Tell a short related story of your own, then return the question.
Set a small goal. Brooks suggests going into a conversation with a goal, such as asking at least five questions and following up on the answers.
Let pauses be okay. A short silence is normal. Go back to something they mentioned earlier.
An example exchange:
You: "What does a free Saturday usually look like for you?"
Them: "Farmers market, then I try a new recipe."
You: "What's the best thing you've made from a market haul?"
Them: "A peach galette. It was ugly but amazing."
You: "Ugly but amazing is the best kind. I once made bread that could have been a doorstop. Do you bake a lot?"
Nothing here is off-limits forever. These topics just tend to work better once you know each other a little:
Long stories about exes. A one-line answer is fine if asked.
Exact salary or debt. Talk about work you enjoy instead.
Deep painful history. Greater Good notes that the 36 Questions get more personal set by set, and that both people should be comfortable sharing before diving in. If your date opens up, listen kindly, but don't push.
A rapid-fire future checklist. Questions about marriage and kids can wait unless you have both said that is what you are looking for.
Heated debates. Learning what someone values is great. Trying to win an argument with them on night one usually isn't.
Complaining about dating. Bad-date stories can be funny once. A whole evening of them drags.
If something is a true dealbreaker for you, it is fine to bring it up kindly and early. Skipping a topic should never mean hiding something important.
A clear ending saves you both from guessing.
If you want to see them again, say so before you part: "I had a really good time. I'd like to do this again. Are you free next week?"
Use what you learned. Your follow-up questions gave you ideas: "You mentioned that taco place. Want to try it Thursday?"
If you're not sure, a warm, honest goodbye is enough: "Thanks for tonight. It was really nice to meet you." Don't promise to call if you won't.
Follow up by text. A short message the same night or the next day keeps things simple. See our guides on texting after a first date, how to ask for a second date and second date ideas.
A quick safety note: meet somewhere public, get yourself there and home, and tell a friend where you'll be.
Everyday things: their week, what they enjoy, food, travel, and what they are looking forward to. Ask follow-ups and share a bit about yourself in return.
More than you might think. In the Harvard research, people who asked more questions, especially follow-ups, were better liked. Balance them by sharing about yourself so it doesn't feel like an interview.
Try the first set of the 36 Questions, such as "What would constitute a 'perfect' day for you?" Save the more personal sets for later dates.
Go back to a detail they mentioned and ask a follow-up. An activity date, like a market or a walk, also gives you things to talk about.
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Asking Questions Increases Likability (Association for Psychological Science)
36 Questions for Increasing Closeness (Greater Good in Action, UC Berkeley)