If you want to know how to communicate better in a relationship, start with a few learnable skills: bring things up gently with "I feel" and "I need" statements, listen to understand instead of to reply, repeat back what you heard, ask for what you want in positive terms, and check in once a week.
The Gottman Institute notes that communication breakdowns happen in even the strongest relationships. The good news is that the fixes are skills, not personality traits. This guide covers everyday talk. If you are in the middle of a fight, our guides on how to fight fair and what to say after an argument go deeper.
Each skill below comes from The Gottman Institute's work with couples. You don't need to master them all at once. Pick the one that would help most this week and practice it in low-stakes moments first.
Gottman's research found that discussions tend to end on the same note they begin. A harsh opening, with criticism or blame, usually leaves you with at least as much tension as you started with. A soft start-up lets you raise a real complaint without attacking your partner's character.
A simple formula from Gottman's State of the Union exercise:
I feel (name the emotion: worried, lonely, hurt, tired)
about (the situation, not what is wrong with your partner)
I need (what you would like to happen, said in positive terms)
Example: "I feel stretched thin about how busy this week has been. I need us to plan Saturday together so we get some downtime."
A few more tips from the same research:
Describe, don't accuse. "The dishes are still in the sink" lands better than "You never clean up."
Watch the sneaky "I" statement. Gottman points out that "I feel like you never listen to me" is still a harsh start-up, because it still blames.
Keep the warmth. "Please" and "I appreciate it" help, even in a hard conversation.
Don't stockpile. Bring up issues as they come up, before they turn into a long list.
The Gottman Institute draws a line between hearing and listening. Hearing is passive. Listening is active: you are trying to understand your partner's view, not waiting for your turn to talk.
Signs that listening has slipped include interrupting, one-word answers like "uh-huh" with no follow-up questions, suddenly changing the subject, and scrolling on a phone. Try this instead:
Put the phone face down and turn toward your partner.
Ask one follow-up question before you share your own view.
Check the timing. Gottman describes "flooding," when someone is so overwhelmed they can't take in information. If either of you is flooded, pause and agree on when you will come back to it.
Ask "Is now a good time?" for anything important. Someone who is exhausted after work may need a little quiet first.
Gottman's speaker and listener exercise feels formal at first, but it slows things down. Take turns:
The speaker shares one thing using "I" statements, without attacking or blaming.
The listener doesn't interrupt, defend, problem-solve or give their own view yet. Their only job is to reflect back what they heard, then check: "What I heard is that you feel left out when I make weekend plans without asking. Is that right?"
Switch once the speaker feels understood.
Gottman also uses the ATTUNE model for these talks: Awareness of your partner's feelings, Turning toward their need, Tolerance of two valid viewpoints, Understanding their experience, Non-defensive listening, and Empathy.
Your partner can't read your mind, however long you have been together. Gottman suggests saying what you need to happen, rather than listing what you don't like. Compare:
"Stop ignoring me at dinner" vs. "Can we have dinner without phones a few nights a week? I miss catching up."
"You never help with the kids' bedtime" vs. "Could you take bath time on weeknights? That would help me a lot."
"You're always late" vs. "When we have plans, could you text me if you're running behind?"
Specific, doable requests are easier to say yes to than general complaints.
Gottman's State of the Union meeting is a weekly conversation in four parts:
Appreciations. Take turns sharing five things your partner did this week that you appreciated, and what each one says about them.
What's going well. Name what is working or improving in the relationship.
One issue. Take turns as speaker and listener, using a soft start-up and listening without getting defensive.
One wish for next week. Each of you shares one thing the other could do to help you feel connected or loved in the coming week.
According to the Gottman article, a weekly check-in helps both partners feel heard and appreciated, and keeps small issues from building up into big fights or distance. Pick a regular time, such as Sunday evening, and keep it short enough that you will actually do it.
Gottman describes a repair attempt as any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that keeps negativity from escalating out of control. In his research, repair attempts that keep failing are a warning sign, so it pays to get good at making and accepting them.
Agree on phrases ahead of time. For example, "Can we start over?" or "I'm getting overwhelmed. Can we pause and come back to this tonight?"
Make it your own. One couple in the article keeps a yellow football flag that either partner can throw to stop an argument from escalating.
Skip "calm down." The Gottman article says it never works.
Reassure. If your partner gets defensive, try: "I'm not trying to criticize you. I care about you and I want us to be closer."
These skills are for two people who both feel safe and can both speak freely. If your partner hits, threatens, controls or frightens you, better communication is not the fix, and it is not your fault. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and available 24/7. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. The Hotline warns that internet use can be monitored, so use a device you trust.
If you feel safe but keep getting stuck in the same arguments, a licensed couples therapist can help.
A gentle start-up, active listening, reflecting back what you heard, asking for needs in positive terms, and repair attempts. A weekly check-in gives you a regular place to practice them.
They may be flooded, meaning too overwhelmed to take things in. Take a break, agree when you will come back, and restart gently.
The Gottman Institute's State of the Union meeting is weekly. It starts with appreciation before getting to any issue.
Criticism of your partner's character, "you always" and "you never," and "calm down." Describe the situation and say what you need instead.
UnFight: Couples & Marriage is an iPhone app for the hard conversations, and everything in it works for one person without a partner. Its Say It Right tool helps with nine situations, such as apologizing or setting a boundary, with editable drafts in Brief, Gentle or Direct styles, and it includes a weekly check-in prompt with one appreciation, one topic, one practical step and one thing to look forward to. It is not therapy or emergency help, and choosing "I don't feel safe continuing" shows safety resources; the app is free with an optional Premium subscription and keeps your writing on your iPhone.
Get UnFight free on the App Store
How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up (The Gottman Institute)
My Partner Doesn't Listen to Me: How to Feel Heard in Your Relationship (The Gottman Institute)
How to Have a State of the Union Meeting (The Gottman Institute)