Is This It

I asked my mother before she spanked me, "Is this it?" to enrage her and save face. I was holding the tea-cup in my hand with the chocolate milk I had stolen, and to save face, began to drink it down as quickly as possible.

I said to my boss over 15 years later, "Is this it?" to enrage him and to save face. His mail had been on my secretarial desk for over 3 days under a folder. He finally told me his wife's credit card bill was missing, and I already knew I was going to lose my job because I had forgotten.

The two events synthesized perfectly in my memory, and I began to wonder driving home why my boss reminded me so much of my mother. Was I trying to fuck my boss? Or were only men governed by the Oedipus complex? I could find no difference in my tone of voice with my mother and my boss, when I would say, "Is this it?"

Did I want my boss to spank me?

I talk to my baby sometimes. It could be because I'm a 23 year old single mother or to improve his speech skills.

I shook the pill bottle in my son's face: "Is this it?" His baby-face squinted into a cry. I said "I'm sorry," and the deja vu went away. A fresh look in the diaper revealed a fresh mess. I had to tell myself that's the reason he was crying. A deeper look into my emotions for this child would bruise my self-worth again. Could a mother possibly not love her son? But what is love, anyway? I cleaned his mess, taped a fresh diaper to his bottom, and took my pills. I honestly think the pills are getting in the way of my love for my son.

I honestly believe that. Is this it?