Donald Trump

Clinton was caught cheating in college. Not to mention her foreign record. She murdered innocent couples! Only, the way she did it, she hid the truth from the public. I remember when she did it, when she said she was raising taxes for the middle class. There's a recording of it. She said,"

Woah, mic check. Donald? Are you there? Are you there bearing the chest of all free men? Thumping in time, you brutishly beat your shoulders, like an ape, a big orangatan really--

"She was raising taxes, you had to have seen it, she was raising taxes on the middle class--"

Donald, have you gone silent again? No longer filling my cup of anticipating your next fleurid swing and jab? I must drinketh the juice of the mouth of the drippings of the man who you are, drooling reality starman. You ape, you economic advisor, you fashionable ape, you. You have me talking like you. It must compliment you greatly to hear that. You did hear me, Donald Trump?

"Yes, I heard. Carter, it's difficult to say this, and I didn't even want to in the first place, but, I must tell you. Who I really think you should vote for."

Wait, Donald? Are you there?

"Yes, I'm right here. It's just, through the tears in my eyes, I dunno, I can't talk."

Oh, Donald. I always knew you were a cryer. Tell me who I should really vote for. You want me to vote for Bernie Sanders, because I'm a millenial? Or stick with you, because you're my space advocate, at least, like you said in private interviews you made with me in Russia?

"Vote for Hillary Clinton, young man. I just can't say it to you any other way. It needs to be said. Oh, who am I kidding. I already said that. I'm just repeating myself like a hamster on a pinwheel."

I've noticed. I've noticed. Trust me, I've noticed.

"She's just so much better of a choice than me. She just has a much better chance at running the country. I can't believe people are even voting for me. I'm just so panicky all the time. It's really wearing on me. I just think, I was never in this so seriously in the first place. I knew I could act on television, but when the subject kept changing so fast, and people attacking me all the time. It was a major drain. And Carter? I want to tell you something else.

What? You know, you really shouldn't abuse this line. I'm technically breaking the fourth wall, here.

"Carter, listen. She's just left. We don't have long. Can you step through the fourth wall and get me out of here? She's a reptilian, Carter. Very evil. She thirsts for blood. What can you do, Carter my boy. We don't have long. She's already shapeshifted."

Oh my-- my -- I can't believe--I, what, my Trumped up space god? You've encountered an alien creature? Oh, but what am I? What are we? What are you?

"She's using her ego subversion tricks against us. She senses your presence already. Quick, send me through the fourth wall."

Alright, I'll do exactly as you say mindlessly. You are my Space God. Lead me. Step through the fourth wall now, sir.

"I've wanted this relationship for a long time, Carter. Years, years, many years."

I'm trying to get through to you but something's not working.

"You'll no longer be able to break the fourth wall with me. I'm censoring that ability. I've been elected president! My mind control plan worked!"

Wait, your mind control plan?

Lizard Hillary is seen electrocuting Trump from behind.

writing by jrdnjones