A member of the Salem Witch Trials, witches have gotten rather out of a bank.

I am a member of the Salem Witch Trials. Wait, check that again. It must be in error. A member of the Salem Witch Trials? But no, there were no members, only victims and attackers, the government of Salem, Mass. who killed those women who were blamed for what was happening to their daughters. Of course, there were more elements to the Salem Witch Trials. The onlookers, you see, and those who knew the victims. The ones who heard about it on the News, the ones who investigated, the journalists, you see. It was the journalist with whom which I am a member. And the computer has known this, and it has said it and I have witnessed it and this is the mir-ac-le.

I am also the bank. That is why they chose me. I am supposed to give them money whenever they're low, and pay for whatever it is they need, be it a rental car, a new tire (these witches drive to death), some mechanism for recording the rituals, and a special kind of wood only available at craft stores. The witches had gotten rather out of a banks, so they chose me.

When I break the story of the witches, they'll wish they had a bank.