I was kicked out of the Watchtower organization on my 35th birthday in 1985, because I "obviously posed a threat to the congregation" (I was a single mother of three, dating a "worldly" man).

For 27 years, I was a devout, very active JW, married for 12 of those years to an extremely well-respected elder whose behavior at home was very different than at the KH. I often temporary pioneered. As far as I know, my mother is still a pioneer. I saw her for the first time in several years 3 months ago, when my daughter was murdered. I was surprised that she, and my ex-husband's family showed up at the funeral, especially since Pastor Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel (where my daughter had been attending) officiated. Of course, they felt called upon to make comments about how wrong his sermon was.

For a couple of weeks after my daughter's death, my mother was able to justify acting like a real mother and called me daily to see how we were doing. Then it was once a week, then nothing. I called her last week, to let her know of an interview I would be doing on some radio and TV shows, and she reminded me that we would now have to "go back to normal," which I realized meant that our conversations would now cease. I couldn't resist saying that it was too bad she had cut off her family - my brother is also disfellowshipped, and of course, my children (who are not df'd) were included in the shunning. She immediately retorted, "It was YOU who left, and your brother!" I said, "Well, we still love you."

It was very interesting to note at the funeral, that the JWs don't know how to hug, and they don't know how to say, "I love you." I had to learn how to do both since leaving the organization.

As did many others, I grew up with a terrible fear of being thrown into prison and tortured, and constantly felt guilty because I didn't enjoy going door to door. Although I readily admit that I got lots of good things out of the time I spent in the organization, for me, it has been a gradual leaving of "the truth" over the past 15 years, and only as recently as this month have I been able to say, it is NOT the truth. Now I see the organization as no different than the Hale-Bopp cult, except that they don't have mass suicides. It's a slow death of the soul instead.

My new, much happier belief system tells me that, rather than simply mouldering in the ground until the resurrection, my daughter is still around us in spirit and will be there to greet me when I come to the end of my life on earth. Living forever has taken on a whole new meaning.

After being a very active Witness and good elder's wife, volunteering and participating on the programs at numerous circuit and district assemblies, after spending many summers in service, after playing the piano at meetings for the Santa Ana and Anaheim congregations all those years ago, fifteen years later, I can honestly say that I am happy at last.

I am not interested in Witness bashing, nor in joining any other religion, but I am glad to know that you provide the service that you do for those who are still trying to find their way into the light.

Blessings,

Sheila Lowe