On a quiet autumn afternoon in 1969, when I was 11 years old, two very friendly young women came to my house. I told them my parents weren't home and they gave me a little treaty. They told me they'd be back after a week to talk to them. They did, and within a week they were talking to my mother. They told us about the Bible, God, and other things we didn't understand then.

It was the first time we were visited by Jehovah's Witnesses. We've never heard of them before. I remember my mother, once they left, told me that maybe those girls would be "nuns disguised as civilians, so they don't get so messing with them," she said. We were a family of humble backgrounds, like a lot of people back then. Spain came out of a long-term lack of political and religious freedoms. That was brand new. Jehovah's Witnesses were offered as the great alternative to the Catholic Church. Although they offered a "Bible study" to my mother, she preferred "to start the child", that is, me. By nature, I had always had faith in God. So it was easy for him to start studying the Bible with a Jehovah's Witness older than me, a man of faith and much loved in the small town where we lived, San Feliu de Llobregat, near Barcelona, Spain.

I was baptized as a Witness after two years and always tried to make an effort to properly fulfill my dedication. I remember that at that time, we met in private homes since in Spain there were not yet the Salons of the Kingdom. On one occasion, a letter was read with news from the African country of Malawi. The servant of congregation who read it wept with sadness when he knew horrible events there. The Jehovah's Witnesses were being pursued atrociously. Their homes were destroyed, they were severely beaten. Many women were raped. More than twenty thousand Jehovah's Witnesses had to flee to the neighboring country of Mozambique for all the horror. All this happened because they were told from the branch that they should not buy the card that provided all Malawians with the only party in power; that that would be "violating their neutrality." I would later learn that perhaps all that horror could have been avoided, if the matter had been left to the conscience of the Witnesses there, as was the case in Mexico, where the young Witnesses could choose freely to pay a specific amount of money to military officials to obtain a certificate and not to do military service even though they were officially declared in frontline reserve, subject to being called in the event of an emergency that the uniformed army could not cope. Getting to know that was a jolt for me.

I also remember the great expectation then created around the year 1.975. In the early 1970s, the circuit superintendents' speeches reflected a great urgency. Many Witnesses kept supplies of food, full pantries, because "the Great Tribulation will erupt soon," it was said. The publications reflected the same spirit. Back in the year 1,974, I remember that the old man who was driving the Book Study at my parents' house showed up announcing that Armageddon was imminent, that specific dates had been given at the School of Gilead, and that by the fall of 1,975 "we'll all be picking up r adish us in the new system of things" A gentleman who studied with him and smoked a lot, pulled out all the accumulated tobacco he had in a drawer and threw it away, determined to prepare for the event. A famous player of color by name Mendoza and who played in football Club Barcelona, when he became a Jehovah's Witness said in the newspapers that "by the year 1.975 humanity would observe an astonishing and universal event." quasi-romantic and expectant sense. The speaker said it might be the last. I was serving in that time as a regular precursor. I also recall that in the Divine Sovereignty assembly of the year 1.975, we all expected concrete instructions regarding what might happen. A Witness of silver yes and with great faith whom I did not know addressed me and said, "at the moment it seems that we seem to be told to keep waiting."

When 1,975 passed, many stored foods were rotten. Lots of disillusioned people. There was no apology from the Governing Body. Years later, a brief note in La Atalaya on September 15, 1,980, page 17, it was recognized that more than the account had been published. I have a feeling that the vast majority of the Witnesses no longer gave ourselves any account of that recognition. At least that was my case. I noticed by reading much later the book "The Jehovah's Witnesses - Proclaimers of the Kingdom of God". It was re-recognized, too late, I think, that "some statements were probably more categorical than recommended." page 104.

Many people had conditioned their lives on those expectations. They had turned down jobs, the ability to study and train better, postponed surgical operations, sold their possessions to "serve more where there was need." Others did not marry or refuse to start a family with children. "This is not the time, " he said. Then be quiet. No apologies. All this affected me deeply. However, I tried to focus on the positive, the uplifting.

In 1,980, Pablo Beveridge of the Betel of Spain, who was then on Pardo Street in Barcelona, invited me to collaborate in the translation department. The time I was there I met people of excellent qualities and extremely selfless. Many did very hard jobs " from bell to bell" and without complaining. (I think the organization should pay some kind of pension for all Betel workers, as is the case of the branch in Germany where due to a court ruling, the organization has been forced to do so with the Betelites there, because a group of anteri or sworkers from the offices and the printing press took action against the Society as they had been told that they would not need any pension snitg for after Armageddon).

At the time, we heard that there had been expulsions in the Brooklyn Betel, "for apostasy", a word whose meaning we barely knew. Many of us met Nestor Kuilan, his excellent qualities. We were stunned. We couldn't believe it. I met him personally as he had conducted a Bible study with my father-in-law. Some brothers from the translation department were sent to Brooklyn to fill some vacancies caused by the expulsions. No comment...

I also remember writing to the Society regarding the book Help to Understand the Bible. I myself had been very familiar with that book since its appearance in English in 1.971. I appreciated machismo. That's why I didn't understand when it appeared in Spanish, that a condensed version was given to us, not identical to the English version (now called Insight to Understand the Scriptures). The answer I received was that "we're not in a position to answer that." I later understood why. A vast amount of material had been "mutilated" that did not store the organization's doctrinal orthodoxy and had been written by Christians from the world's headquarters who were expelled for reasons of conscience. For example, only in the "Timeline" section, several pages of material that compromised the safety of calculations related to 1.914 were removed. The truth is, I was disappointed.

As time went on, we did notice an increase in authoritarianism by the various bodies of elders in the congregations where we serve. Because of that, we went through situations of a lot of authoritarian oppression that we didn't understand then and that caused us a great emotional wear and tear. When I was appointed old man, I could not understand how some men acted. I thought that after 25 years in the organization, I would not see what I came to see in terms of abuse of authority and desires for prominence on the part of some. And most of all, I couldn't understand why the organization allowed it. Some meetings of elders were truly marathon, and on more than one occasion, differences in how the congregation's problems were dealt with were evident.

It was when I was serving as an old man, "at full capacity," that a long-time witness came to my very affected house "looking for help". She had read the book Crisis of Consciousness, written by Raymond Franz, a former member of the Governing Body, and wanted me to help her. I asked him if the book said anything new. With a sad look he said yes. He invited me to read it. I had always been of the opinion that if we were in the truth, why not read whatever it was? Why not read Charles Darwin's "The Origin of Species," or Carl Marx's "The Capital"? The truth would always be the truth when tested. As I read, a multitude of pieces began to fit in. Now I could understand a lot of things. Everything was clear. I felt nauseous when I read about the expulsions of Christian brethren who had shed their lives in service to God. I couldn't continue to support such an organization.

At a dinner I shared a couple of matters referred to in the book CRISIS with my carnal brother (also old) and his wife (by then Margot, my wife, was already aware of everything). They left very worried. A few weeks later I received a call from the superintendent presiding office of my congregation. They wanted to meet me for a couple of old people. My brother had called them (I understand that with the intention of being helped). They wanted to ask me about "my doubts about the organization." I saw that the organization's "police and judicial apparatus" was on top of me. I could have eluded the matter without giving it any more importance with any excuse. But in conscience I couldn't do it. We were absolutely honest with them and discussed some issues explained in the book CRISIS. When I told the circuit superintendent that the sincere Jehovah's Witness who read the book would cease to be the same, he said, "You're right to tell me, because that's not how I'm going to read it." He encouraged me to read a certain article from the book "Insight," but I couldn't help but reflect on the irony of the situation: he was referring to an article and a work that had been written by Christians who were now expelled. They didn't open the Bible for a moment. Visibly affected, we were told not to share anything with anyone and they left. We stopped attending meetings for reasons of conscience.

The strangeness of the brothers of the congregation where we served because practically "we disappeared," was conveniently alleviated by the elders. They were told not to call us or show interest in us, which was dangerous. We knew hundreds of Witnesses from different congregations who were now spinning our faces when we met them on the street. In these cases there are ridiculous and puerile situations. The Witness acts as if he doesn't see you to evade the greeting. Others, if they look at you, do so as if one had murdered, as if he were the most vile of sinners, judging by their looks. It was my wife who had the worst time receiving constant contempt in the neighborhood where we live (there are "one million Witnesses per square meter"). The official expulsion came nine months later, in February 1.995, simply because we told a Witness that we met on the street, that we had not left Jehovah and that we still liked to meet with friends in private homes to consider the Bible. When our expulsion was announced, biblical texts were used out of context and the most unfair and bland expressions, which are often used in these cases, expressions such as "apostates", "dogs", or "the sow that returns to vomit," etc. I wrote a letter to many Witnesses we knew to explain our reasons. In the following months, speeches were made in various congregations of the circuit talking about "not reading letters or publications of the apostates." (Even until the moment I write this, the psychosis shown by the organization regarding this topic, it is constantly evident through his publications and speeches).

I deeply regret that the authoritarian and Talmudic nature of the organization once again made things go this way. It was of no use to all past years of service and selflessness shown. It gives the impression that the organization has come to develop a spirit "enterprise" in which the person is worth rather little. What matters is "the company's march." Another example can illustrate this. On one occasion a widowed and elderly sister had to be welcomed by an institution run by Catholic nuns simply because there is no arrangement for it in the organization. What a paradox! Assisted by a religion that is part of "Babylon the Great" and will be destroyed. Emphasis is rarely placed on the true Christian spirit reflected in James 1:27: "The form of worship that is clean and uncontaminated from the point of view of our God and Father is this: caring for orphans and widows in their tribulation, and to remain unspotted from the world." I sincerely believe that, in many ways, they have forgotten the simple and loving Christianity that Jesus taught.

In January 1.996, a Spanish television journalist who had heard about my expulsion, Julian Castelló, contacted me. He was interested in conducting a program (Line 900) about Witnesses. I explained the details of my personal case and made it clear to him that if I participated in the program I would do so with the desire to help and not with the intention of "attacking for attack" the organization. He also showed interest in interviewing Ray Franz, a former member of the Governing Corps, and made arrangements to visit him at his home in Atlanta, UNITED States. The full videotape interview is available to anyone who wants it. It contains a multitude of reflections that would make any sincere Witness think seriously.

Since the Governing Body began with increased authoritarianism and intolerance in the early 1980s, thousands of people have left the movement or been expelled. Some have joined other churches. Others gather in private homes to consider the Bible. But the worst part is that many others have lost faith because of the organization's much suffering and vexatiary treatment. The extreme policy of rejecting expelled relatives is causing a lot of suffering in affected families. For example, there are grandparents who do not personally know their grandchildren and the relationship between different members of the same family has simply been broken. Much of this could have been avoided if it had not been for the "lock" expressed by the Governing Body by not allowing Christians to consciously decide on aspects of a personal nature. In Spanish there is the saying that "a rod, if not flexible, is split." Personally I think that is precisely what is happening in the organization. The words of Jesus in Luke 17:1, 2, should make us reflect: "aand of him through whom he comes (the stumble). It would be more advantageous for him to be suspended from a millstone to his neck and thrown into the sea than he caused to trip one of these little ones."

The situation continues to repeat in the case of many others who claim reasons of conscience and absurd and wicked expulsions continue to occur. The very idea of being separated from family and friends "of a lifetime" terrifies many Witnesses who still dissent many things, but dare not speak. Betel's traveling and sent superintendents on special assembly days and at other times are often very energetic in their speeches when they warn of the dangers of what they call "apostasy" and the risk of accessing the Internet. Even the "elders' school" has given very precise instructions.

This whole effort to cause "a shock effect", however, is not avoiding the being creating a "constructive resistance", both from outside the movement (by previous members) and from within the organization itself. Ray Franz confesses to receiving correspondence from many elders, forerunners, traveling superintendents, branch members and many other Witnesses from all over the world. Also, and due to personal research, many elders from different places are refusing to share certain teachings (such as the policy of expulsion, not recognizing that there are good Christians in other denominations or the year 1.914) as they are considered to be "obsolete." I think this kind of "pressure" and constructive criticism is positive because it can move to changes in the future that benefit the base members, the real people who are there, who have names and surnames and who have so often suffered the authoritarian weight of simple human rules. In fact, some of this is already happening. An organization that does not allow for a minimum of currents of opinion or some criticism that is really constructive is impoverished in itself. The expulsion of Christian thinkers and faith is an affront against God and against the dignity of the human being. It's simply wicked.

So far I can say that, in my personal case, I deeply appreciate all the really good things I learned about the Bible while I was in the organization. It was a lot. But I am not at all grateful for all those other aspects of a sectarian nature that instilled in me, that conditioned my life so much and which I myself helped to extend to others. My wife and I always live with a sense of transience, sometimes accepting precarious jobs so that we can become more in the service of the organization, as most Witnesses do, without thinking about making personal plans. It's sad to acknowledge the very high price we've paid. Having delivered virtually everything by the organization, now trying to find a stable job insertion in such a competitive and ruthless world is proving very difficult for us.

On the religious side, after our expulsion we had the need to re-orient ourselves spiritually. The ballast of so many years of indoctrination was great. But as time has passed, we have come to understand that the true church is composed of the people that only God and Christ know, wherever they may be. It is a church with a much greater dimension than simple denominations of human or sectarian character. I believe that no group of men has the right to confine the precious "good news about Jesus Christ" into watertight compartments, in different sects. He didn't mean that to be the case. He only advocated a simple global brotherhood. They should be known only by the name of "Christians" and they would prove it above all with their excellent works. - Matthew 5:14-16; Acts 11:26.

I must also say that, while I was inside the organization, I met people of excellent qualities, who I now miss so much. As far as faith in our Lord Jesus Christ is concerned, I still consider them my brothers and wish them all the best even if many of them continue to treat us with contempt. I believe that the time has come for the barriers laid down by the various religious organizations and we Christians show that we move more for the love that God showed us through his son than by imposed Talmudic norms. I pray to God to help us all understand it that way. Therefore, every new friendship we get from open-minded and tolerant Christians, we consider it a precious gift from the Lord. We are sure that He will put everything in its place. He will do what is best for all who love him.

With all my love,

Esteban Lopez