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A DRAG QUEEN; Ms EVIL- Excerpt - written by Gordon Blitz
Tagline: This comedic parody of Snow White follows Ms. Evil, a drag queen version of the Evil Queen, as she tries to poison a modern Snow White with forbidden fruit.
INT.-CASTLE-NIGHT-A BLACK DRAG QUEEN-MS. EVIL (voluminous blonde wig, large breasts) is applying makeup in front of her mirror.
MS EVIL
Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all?
MIRROR (V.O.)
Fairest drag queen or any queen or any woman? Which is it?
MS EVIL
All of them, even a trans woman.
MIRROR
Let me get back to you.
MS EVIL
No! Tell me now!
MIRROR
Okay. Umm . . . Yes, It's Snow White.
MS EVIL
What! I thought I killed her with that spiked Fuji apple.
MIRROR
Yes, honey, but this is another Snow White.
MS EVIL
Oh crap! Is this some kind of parallel universe?
MIRROR
That information is above my pay grade, dearie. And don't use a Fuji apple this time. It's no longer considered a forbidden fruit.
MS EVIL
Jesus Christ! I'll have to contact the snake from the Garden of Eden.
MIRROR
Good luck with that!
CUT TO-SNOW WHITE's BEDROOM- MORNING. SNOW WHITE is under the covers in a king-size bed, as the dwarf, GRUMPY (sour- looking expression), enters the bedroom. We see four bumps moving under the sheets.
GRUMPY
Hey! It's ten o'clock. Get up and cook breakfast.
SNOW WHITE
Give me five minutes.
GRUMPY
No, your highness. Now! And the cupboards are bare.
A sneeze is heard, then a yawn, and then a laugh.
GRUMPY (CONT'D)
Who's under there?
SNOW WHITE
No one. Just let me get dressed. I'll be right out.
Grumpy leaves the bedroom.
Snow White peeks from under the sheets and whispers.
SNOW WHITE (CONT'D)
Okay, all clear. Go out through the window...
The bumps under the sheets don't move.
SNOW WHITE (CONT'D)
Come on; Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy! You've had your fun.
CUT TO-KITCHEN-Grumpy is sitting at the table as SNOW WHITE (an African-American woman) enters.
SNOW WHITE (CONT'D)
Where is everyone?
GRUMPY
You tell me, Maya.
SNOW WHITE
I told you not to call me Maya. I hate that name. It's stereotypical. People will think I'm Maya Angelou. It's no better than Aunt Jemimah.
GRUMPY
And you think calling yourself Snow White is okay? You're impossible!
SNOW WHITE
But that's my name! But really, where are your other midget friends? They're supposed to be protecting me.
GRUMPY
We're dwarfs or little people. Midgets is politically incorrect.
The doorbell rings.
SNOW WHITE
Who rings our doorbell anymore? Check it out, Grumpy.
Grumpy scowls and gets up from the table to answer the door. Snow White opens the refrigerator and finds it empty.
SNOW WHITE (CONT'D)
What the fuck! How can I make breakfast?
Grumpy enters the kitchen with Ms. Evil who is carrying a basket of fruit that includes figs, pomegranates and grapes.
SNOW WHITE (CONT'D)
Who are you?
As Ms. Evil eyes Snow White, she does a double take.
MS EVIL
And who do you think you are?
SNOW WHITE
I’m Snow White.
Ms. Evil gets within inches of Snow White.
MS EVIL
You've got to be kidding! That's your real name?
SNOW WHITE
Yes. Do you have a problem with that?
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