SHIP HAPPENS! Excerpt - written by Gordon Blitz
Tagline: What could be more fun than a gay cruise; except when it involves a missing passenger, his life-long friend and a smoldering younger man who is deeply involved in his disappearance.
INT. LANCE AND MATT'S CABIN
Lance enters the cabin. He laughs noticing the towel-birds and chocolate on the pillows. Lance strips down to boxer shorts and t-shirt, gets into bed and grabs a Kindle from the night table. As he reads, he falls asleep only to be awakened when his phone rings. He grabs the phone.
INTERCUT BETWEEN LANCE AND CONRAD (a 40-year-old bald man wearing boxer shorts and tank top on his back doing stretching exercises).
CONRAD
How's the cruise going?
LANCE
I was just about to fall sleep.
CONRAD
Shouldn't you be at the midnight buffet, and where's Matt?
LANCE
I'm so pissed. He picked up some young kid in the disco. It was our first night. Like he abandoned me!
Conrad stops his stretching exercises.
CONRAD
Hold on a minute. I need to change positions.
Conrad flips over on his stomach; continues stretching.
LANCE
Did your back go out again? Rough sex?
CONRAD
How did you know? And here I thought this guy was marriage material.
LANCE
You should start vetting these guys more carefully before you date them.
CONRAD
Anyway, I thought this was going to be a chance for you to share how you really feel about Matt.
LANCE
Yes, that's what I thought. But you know how he is. Can't resist someone young and cute.
CONRAD
I mean what did you expect? It's a gay cruise.
LANCE
I'm aware of that.
CONRAD
No wonder he never had a lover. You two would actually be perfect for each other. Neither of you has lived with anyone.
LANCE
But it makes me wonder if he would be into a monogamous relationship.
CONRAD
You could work that out later.
LANCE
When we were walking on the deck,I thought he was going to kiss me. When he didn't, I just thought to myself, “He's my best friend, and sex would ruin our friendship.”
CONRAD
After twenty years, I doubt that. You've got to have some fun. And put yourself out there. Look at me. Someone called me a serial dater. Why not? I like variety.
LANCE
He hasn't even come back to our room. I think he's going to sleep with that boy.
CONRAD
Let's hope he comes to his senses.
LANCE
Maybe going on a gay cruise with him wasn't the best idea. You should have seen Matt's face when he talked about the steam room and the jacuzzi! Well, I'm going back to bed. Good night.
Lance falls back on the pillow and instantly falls asleep.
CUT TO: INT. DISCO-LATE EVENING
As a song ends, Matt and Dale stop dancing. Both are sweating. Dale holds Matt's hand.
DALE
Want to do shots? See if you can keep up with me?
Matt nods 'yes' as Dale goes to the bartender and comes back with a tray of ten shots. Matt and Dale drink their first two shots quickly. But after Dale takes his third, he looks at Matt.
DALE (CONT'D)
Hey, you're not giving up already, are you?
Matt looks nauseous but forces himself to drink his third shot slowly.
DALE (CONT'D)
Yay! Only two more to go. I'll help you.
Dale takes the shot into his hand and brings it to Matt's lips. As Matt gulps the shot, Dale smiles and kisses Matt.
MATT
I surrender. Four is my limit with these things.
Dale quickly swallows his fourth and fifth shots.
DALE
Oh, come on! You just need to do one more. It's dank.
Dale grabs hold of Matt's genital area as Matt swallows his fifth shot.
DALE (CONT'D)
Yaay! You were killing it. Now let's bounce. I've had enough disco. Want to do something fun?
MATT
I was feeling the same way in here.
DALE
I want to show you a secret place on the ship. You'll love it.
MATT
I'm Matt, and you are . . .?
DALE
Dale. Well, it's really my middle name. I hate my first name, Donny. Sounds like a child. Dale is the perfect name for an actor.
MATT
Where are you taking me?
DALE
Just follow me.
EXT. OUTSIDE DECK
Matt and Dale are walking.
MATT
So, you're an actor?
DALE
Yes. I'm also trying out for American Idol since I have a strong voice. And I want to do theater. I'm a triple threat!
MATT
Have we met at the William Morris Agency?
Dale opens his eyes wide in surprise. Stops walking and leans against Matt's chest.
MATT (CONT'D)
If you like, I could introduce you to some theatrical agents.
DALE
Really?
MATT
Well, I could try even though my boss probably wouldn't be thrilled.
Dale starts moving his tongue over his lips. Matt shows discomfort.
MATT (CONT'D)
Have I seen you in any movies or television shows? Local theater?
Dale pinches Matt's butt. Matt is startled and swats Dale's hand away.
DALE
Hey! Are you uptight or something?
MATT
No, come on, man; everyone's going to stare. You just think it's fun being "The Flamboyant Queer."
DALE
It's a gay cruise. No one is going to care. It's basic.
Dale points up at the sky.
DALE (CONT'D)
Look up there. It's like so vast, and we're little specs. Scary and beautiful.
Matt smiles and quickly kisses Dale. As they walk, they stop at a darkened corner of the deck. Dale tries to grab hold of Matt's crotch.
MATT
Oh, come on!
Matt pushes Dale away. Dale backs away and pouts.
DALE
Hey, I thought you wanted this. No one can see us. You're just dead.
Matt blushes.
MATT
That's not a compliment, is it?
DALE
Wait a minute; were you teasing me?
MATT
No. I like that you have passion. Most people I know have become cynical. Like my friend, Lance, who I'm rooming with.
DALE
I noticed you guys together and wondered if he was your lover or maybe your brother.
MATT
Oh, god! That's what straight people say when they see us together; that we're brothers. We're just life-long friends.
DALE
I usually think older guys are so stale, but you're not that way. I mean, you might be old...
MATT
Hey, watch it!
DALE
But in some ways, you still have a twinkle in your eye; an innocence.
They move out of the darkened corner and continue walking on the deck when suddenly Dale grabs Matt's hand.
DALE (CONT'D)
Let's go!
INT. SHIP HALLWAY-LOWER DECK
Dale and Matt are looking at a sign on a door saying: DANGER - DO NOT ENTER. Dale is about to open the door.
DALE
Come on, chill. Don't be afraid.
MATT
Wait! What about this sign?
DALE
I don't follow rules. I do what I want.
MATT
I don't think this is such a good idea.
Matt backs away until Dale grabs hold of him, opens the door and pushes him through. We hear grinding sounds.
INT. SHIP'S ENGINE ROOM
Dale leads Matt down a steep staircase to the engine room. Matt is perspiring and starts to cough. He searches for something in his pants pocket but doesn't find it.
MATT
Damn! I should have brought my inhaler. This is crazy!
DALE
Don't be such wuss! You'll be fine once we get to my secret space.
Suddenly the decibel levels increase as the engines begin to vibrate and shake the room. Matt shouts.
MATT
What's happening?
DALE
Don't worry. Come on.
We follow Matt and Dale as they maneuver through a maze of engines. As they walk, the sounds decrease.
DALE (CONT'D)
Don't you see the beauty of these shiny engines? They're the guts of the ship. They're moving tons of weight through the ocean. It's such a feat!
Dale dances around the engines.
MATT
Looks like you're auditioning.
Dale stops moving.
DALE
Come on, let me finish. I mean, there are almost three thousand passengers and a thousand crew members here.
MATT
You're incorrigible!
DALE
I'm going to be slaying it one day.
Matt looks at his watch.
MATT
Oh, boy. It's almost midnight. Lance is going to wonder where I am.
DALE
Oh, please! He's not your mother.
The engines rumble as Dale starts tickling Matt. Matt giggles and tickles Dale in return who bursts out laughing. After they both stop giggling, Dale and Matt kiss. Moments later, Dale drags Matt further through the engine room. Matt shouts.
MATT
Are we almost there?
DALE
It's just a little further, and you'll see my favorite spot. Listen to the gears humming. It's like a mech-anical symphony serenading
us.
The engine sounds decrease again. We see a small office with a light on in the distance beyond another maze of engines. Matt stops and begins sweating profusely. There is a hissing sound emanating from the engines. Matt looks skeptical as he tries to maneuver himself through the tight space. Dale notices the hesitation and tries to push Matt between the machines. Midway through the maneuver, they stop.
MATT
(screaming)
I’m stuck! Help!
DALE
Just try turning to the side so you can get through.
MATT
It's too tight! It's like I'm in a vise! I'm going to hurt myself if I try anymore! Oh, god! Get me out here! Shit!
Matt is shaking and in tears.
DALE
Oh, c'mon! That magic place is waiting for us.
Dale kisses Matt which stops Matt's distress. Matt begins to relax.
MATT
Hey, do you have any lube? I could slide through!
DALE
Ha! You're so trashy. Here, I'm going to try pulling you back out.
MATT
Shit! I need to get out of here.
Dale tugs at Matt, and Matt is released.
DALE
See, it worked! Fuck it! Don't be such a baby! You're ruining this whole thing!
MATT
You're crazy! Fuck! why did I follow you?
The camera pans to Matt's face as we see him take a shallow breath. Dale throws up his hands, backs away in disgust, and turns and heads toward the stairs leaving Matt behind. Matt starts gasping for breath.