The Queasy Queries

1. ARE YOU A REAL PERSON?

Yes.

2. IS "LEMONY SNICKET" YOUR PEN NAME?

No. My pen's name is Alphonse.

3. WHERE DID YOU GET THE IDEA FOR A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS?

By carefully researching the lives of the Baudelaire orphans.

4. ARE THE STORIES REAL?

The stories are as real as I am.

5. WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE BAUDELAIRE CHILDREN NEXT?

I cannot bear to tell you.

6. WHEN WILL THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS APPEAR IN BOOKSTORES?

Hopefully never. Although I have sworn to research every last detail of the miserable lives of the Baudelaires, I cannot imagine why booksellers would want to place these wretched tales on their shelves. In fact, to my horror, booksellers will be only too glad to tell you when the next installment will arrive.

7. HOW MANY INSTALLMENTS WILL THERE BE IN A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS?

Early research indicates that the story will be contained in thirteen volumes.

8. IS COUNT OLAF STILL AT LARGE?

What a dreadful question. Unfortunately the answer is just as dreadful. In fact it is so dreadful I can only answer it in Spanish: Sí.

9. WHO IS BEATRICE?

That is the most dreadful question of all, and the answer is so terrible that I cannot even begin to say it without weeping. O Beatrice! My Beatrice!

10. THERE, THERE. I'M VERY SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU. WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF TEA?

If it's not too much trouble.