NOTHING BUT LIES VIII:
RETURN OF THE KADERATHS
THE RETURN OF THE MOST FEARED ENEMY IN THE SERIES
By JOSEPH D’ANDREA
and STEPHEN RINI
Dedicated to
PETER BOYLE AND
DORIS ROBERTS
“Holy crap!” -Peter Boyle (1936-2006)
“I’m not just some trophy wife!” -Doris Roberts (1925-2016)
______________________________________________________________
Introduction:
It seems that our heroes have formed an Alliance to once again defeat the evil kaderaths. Ezra, now known as “DARTH BRIDGER”, has murdered his master, maul, and is planning on taking over the universe (or multiple Universes) beside his new allies, the Kaderaths. And as if it couldn't get any worse the kaderaths have allied themselves with the ancient sith! Can Philip and his crew defeat the onslaught of the most terrifying beings in the galaxy.
Chapter 1:
Alliance
Darth Bridger: who are you?
Kaderath: we are the Kaderaths!
Darth Bridger: what did you-
Kaderath doctor: we have given you robot arms and legs. You have a better chance of living now.
Darth bridger: thanks?
Kaderath: you're welcome sir!
Darth Bridger: So...what now?
Kaderath: we wait.
Darth bridger: For who?
Kaderath: Your former friends.
Darth Bridger: Where are they?
Kaderath: Coming for us. But we still have the element of surprise. We must use it.
Darth Bridger: I can help with the attack1 I’m a sith!
Kaderath: Yes but we are kaderaths.
Darth Bridger: I remember you! You tried to kill me and my friends!
Kaderath: Former friends.
Darth Bridger: Right…
Kaderath: Prepare yourself young one.
Darth Bridger: Yes. I will kill them all.
______________________
Meanwhile
________________
Han: Okay. we’re getting the attack ready!
Luke: We need to be mindful that the kaderaths could be anywhere!
Ray Romano: They could be right here!!!
Random old guy: Who’s to say we’re not all kaderaths!
(Luke stabs random old guy)
Han: Chewie! Prep the fleet!
Chewbacca: RRRAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
(Chewbacca preps the fleet)
Admiral Ackbar: we must be mindful of our strategy.
Leia: Admiral? How are you still alive!?
ADMIRAL Ackbar: I’m not!
(Admiral Ackbar turns into a kaderath)
Han: A kaderath!!!
Luke: get down!
Frank Barone: Holy crap!
Ray Romano: Get down random person!!!
(Ray Romano tackles Frank Barone to the floor)
Frank: What’re ya doin?!
Han: Kaderaths are taking over the ship!!!
Luke: We need to evacuate
Chewbacca; RRRAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!!!
Frank: Holy crap!!!
(Frank Barone takes out space sword and kills kaderath)
Chapter 2:
Holy crap!
Ray romano: who are you anyway?!
Frank: i’m frank.
Ray romanO: who?
(peter boyle shows up)
Ray romanO: peter?!
Peter: sup ray.
Frank: holy crap!
Peter: who are you?!
(frank looks at peter)
Peter and franK: holy crap!
Ray: i’m seein’ double!
Philip: okay, one of them is a kaderath.
Mrs. malloy: well which one?!
Boom!
boom!
Crash!
Mrs. malloy: wah’s that?!
Philip: i don’t know.
(man gets out of ship)
other frank: hecko.
All franks/peter: holy crap!
(philip shoots other frank)
(other frank turns into kaderath and leaves to kaderathia)
Philip: they’re going to kaderathia! Board the ships!
(everyone gets on their ships)
Chapter 3:
Invasion of Kaderathia
Kaderath: darth bridger! Wah’s that?! Above us!
Darth Bridger: the rebel fleet is approaching!
Kaderath: Just wait.
(One of the ships explode)
Darth Bridger; Wha was that!?
Kaderath: Our inside men are finishing the job before it even started!!!
Darth Bridger: they’re here!!!
(Two rebel ships land)
Luke: We need to go!!!
Han: We need to get into the base and blow it up!!!
Philip: I can get us in!
Luke: How?
Philip: Let’s just say i’ve had experience with kaderaths!
Han: So how do we get inside!?
Philip: there are underground vents leading into the main control room.
Luke: Let’s go!
Philip: But there are creatures in the vents…
Luke: We have to take the chance and go!!!
Han: yeah.
Han: Leia! Mrs. Malloy! If we don't make it back in two days you need to cancel the invasion!
Leia: got it!
(Philip, Han, and Luke leave)
Han: so where do these vents start?
Luke: right up ahead.
(Luke cuts open the vent)
Luke: come on!
Geddy Lee: Hey! We got a song before you leave!
Han: we don't have time for a song!
Geddy lee: yes you do!
Neil Peart: you really do!
Philip: no we don't!!!
John Rutsey: Tes! You do!!!
Geddy Lee: here it is!
Neil Peart: "Tom Sawyer!"
A modern day warrior
Mean, mean stride
Today's Tom Sawyer
Mean, mean pride
(Guitar solo)
Though his mind is not for rent
Don't put him down as arrogant
His reserve, a quiet defense
Riding out the day's events
The river
What you say about his company
Is what you say about society
Catch the mist, catch the myth
Catch the mystery, catch the drift
(instrumental)
The world is, the world is
Love and life are deep
Maybe as his skies are wide
Today's Tom Sawyer
He gets high on you
And the space he invades
He gets by on you
(drum solo)
No his mind is not for rent
To any god or government
Always hopeful, yet discontent
He knows changes aren't permanent
But change is
What you say about his company
Is what you say about society
Catch the witness, catch the wit
Catch the spirit, catch the spit
The world is, the world is
Love and life are deep
Maybe as his eyes are wide
Exit the warrior
Today's Tom Sawyer
He gets high on you
And the energy you trade
He gets right on to the friction of the day
Geddy Lee: how was that?
Han: time waster. Can we go now?
Geddy Lee: yeah...fine.
Neil Peart: catch you on the Canadian side!
(Bill and Ted appear)
Bill and Ted: EXCELLENT!!!
(Luke, Han, and Philip enter the vents)
Han: smells like shoot in here!!!
Philip: yeah. Try being behind you!
Luke: look! Up ahead! It's light!!!
Han: yeah!
Luke: wait. That's not the base!
Philip: what?!
Luke: get back!!! Crawl back!!!
Han: what?! Why?!
Luke: mutant hounds!!!
(Mutant hounds attack)
(Luke slashes hound)
Philip: Ahhhhhh!!!
(Han shoots hounds)
Han: stay back!!!
(Luke chops off head of hound)
Luke: come on!!! The base is right there!!!
(Luke, Han, and Philip crawl through the grate)
Darth Bridger: So glad you could join us.
Han: wha?!
(Cage falls over the crew)
Philip: dang it!
Kaderath: good job Darth Bridger!
Darth Bridger: yes!!!
Kaderath: celebrate my brother! Have a drink!
(Kaderath offer Darth Bridger a drink)
(Darth Bridger drinks kaderath drink)
Darth Bridger: Ha! Our victory shall be celebrated!
Kaderath: Yes! My lord!
Philip: let us out of here!!!
Darth Bridger: no.
(The crew doesn't get let out)
Han: dang!
(Darth Bridger and Kaderaths leave the room)
Luke: wow. Did they just leave us alone?
Philip: yeah. I guess.
Han: yeah but it's not like we can do anything about this!
Geddy Lee: but we can!
Neil Peart: I'll get the cage off!
(Neil Peart throws off paper mâché cage)
Philip: who are you?
John Rutsey: we’re “Rush”
Geddy Lee: and we’re here to free you.
Luke: thanks!
Neil Peart: now let's blow this Popsicle stand.
Geddy Lee: No! No one says that anymore!
John Rutsey: yeah. Now they say let’s roll.
Philip: no. We don't say that eithe-
Han: Yeah! Yeah! So where do we go now?!
Geddy Lee: well there's a window right there right?
(Darth Bridger comes back)
Darth Bridger: well you guys all the kaderaths had to go to the bathroom at one time so-
(Luke runs toward the window)
Darth Bridger: NO!!! YOU CAN’T ESCAPE!!!
Philip: or can we?!
Darth Bridger: no you can't.
Neil Peart: Smoke bomb.
(No smoke bomb)
Han: dang!
Darth Bridger: you will die!!!
Geddy Lee: no we won't!
Darth Bridger: Yes you will!
Luke: no.
Neil Peart: I set charges on the controls! Let's book!
Geddy Lee: that's it! That's what I was thinking of!!!
Luke: let’s go!!!
(Luke knocks Han and Philip out the window)
(Geddy Lee, Neil Peart, and John Rutsey fly out on spinning guitars)
Luke: AHHHHHH!!!
(Darth Bridger lands near the crew)
Darth Bridger: DIE!!!!!!
(Luke cuts off Darth Bridger’s robot hand)
Darth Bridger: NOOOOOOO!!!!!
Han: you idiot!!! Why did you try to kill us?!
Darth Bridger: because! you're-
(Kaderath hologram appears)
Kaderath: congrats man! We’re leaving you to die!!! You're useless to this order! We were just using you to get the sixth to ally with us! Goodbye forever!!! Sincerely the kaderaths!
Random kaderath (AKA jerry): Oh shoot! Hey I just got this message-
(Jerry explodes)
Darth Bridger: I HATE YOU!!!
Luke: you betrayed us all! Everyone in this order!
Darth Bridger: how would you know?! I didn't betray you!!!
Han: you may as well have!
(Han shoots Darth Bridger)
Luke: you are pure evil.
Darth Bridger: no...you're right. I am evil...I need to turn back!!! I'm coming back to yo-
Philip: what's happening?!
Darth Bridger: I...I don't know! Something with my….heart.
(Darth Bridger clutches his heart)
Han: what's happening!!!
(Luke runs up to Darth Bridger)
Luke: don't die!!!
Darth Bridger: I'm trying!!!
Han: kid! Just let him die! I have some hot pockets in the microwave!
Darth Bridger: I'm sorry…
Luke: NO!!! Nooooo!!!
Darth Bridger: I should have realized my mistake earlier…
Philip: dude we can leave him! He's evil!!!
Darth Bridger: I don't deserve to live!!!
Luke: NOOOOOOO!!!
Ezra: Tell the world my story, Luke...tell them the truth.
(Ezra stabs himself to end the pain)
Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Philip: even though he was kind of a jerk. He was okay for a while.
Luke: he was a Jedi...he always was. His story was a mixture of light and dark. But he was always light…always light.
Han: let's go!!! The kaderaths are escaping!
(Han, Luke, and Philip run toward the ship)
Leia: GET IN THE SHIP!!!
Luke: Ezra’s dead!
Mrs. Malloy: come on!
Peter Boyle: holy crap! They're getting away! Drive, rug!
Chewbacca: RRRRAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Ray Romano: Just shut up and drive!!!
Luke: Leia we don't have time to explain!
Geddy Lee: let's rock to the heavens man!
Philip: come on!!!
Han: Chewie! Drive!!!
ChewbAcca: RRAAAUUGGHH!
Peter Boyle: the fleet is gone! dang it ya stupid rug!
Mrs. Malloy: Go!!!
(The ship flies away)
Luke: there's something terrible...the kaderaths. They betrayed Ezra. But they said something about Allying themselves with the sith!
Han: oh great...another problem.
___________________
Meanwhile
________________
Darth Bane: you are the sith I have chosen to serve in my next mission.
Darth Revan: what's the mission sir?
Bane: destroying the resistance.
Darth Plagueis: yes sir.
Bane: here's your partner you two…hope you can complete this task.
(Darth Sidious enters)
Darth Sidious: I am prepared for this mission. I have waited a long time.
(Sidious laughs like an insane person [which he is])
Chapter 4:
Han: so... where’s the kaderaths?
Philip: I don't know. They're all around the universe now!
Neil Peart: We need to get after them!
Luke: they're probably on the other side of the universe by now!
Geddy Lee: we need to respect these kaderaths.
Han: that's just stupid hippie shoot!
Geddy Lee: nah. It's the truth.
Luke: so. We have no idea where the kaderaths are?
Leia: exactly!
Ray Romano: we need to split up. So we can not die.
Luke: good idea.
Neil Peart: we’ll go with the guy. And the other guy.
Peter Boyle: oh great. We get the hippies.
Philip: yeah. We’ll let the important characters stay here.
Peter Boyle: what?
Philip: nothing.
(Rush, Ray Romano, and Peter Boyle leave to go to the other ship)
Philip: those people are weird.
Han: yeah! Chewie track down the kaderaths!!!
Chewbacca: RRRAAUUUGGHH!!!
Han: whattaya mean the kaderaths are here?!
Philip: look! Behind you.
Admiral Ackbar: it's a trap!!!
Luke: where?!
Admiral Ackbar: here!
(Ackbar stabs Leia)
Han: NOOOO!!!
(Han shoots Kaderath Ackbar)
Leia: Han…
Luke: Leia!!!
(Luke fails to kill kaderath)
Philip: I got this!
(Philip draws two space swords)
(Philip decapitates kaderath)
Leia: I...I
Han: No! You can't die!!!
Leia: I'm not dying! I just got stabbed!
Philip: oh...well we should stop the bleeding.
Han: I got this.
(Han grabs a rubber duck)
Leia: what are you going to do with-
Han: just let me put the rubber duck on the blood!
Leia: you can't put the rubber duck on the blood!
Han: I'm putting the rubber duck on the blood!!!
Leia: don't put the rubber duck on the God dang blood!
Han: heck. I better put the duck on some blood!!!
Leia: what's your obsession with the duck on the blood?!
Han: just let me use the God dang rubber duck on the blood!!!
Leia: No! Get away from me with the rubber duck!
Han: then how do we stop the bleeding?!
Luke: just shut the heck up!!!
(Philip puts a cloth on the blood)
Han: that rubber duck could have been used so much more effectively!
Leia: just shut up about the rubber duck.
Han: NO!!! That rubber duck was my friend.
(Han looks sadly at the rubber duck)
Chapter5 5:
DORIS AND BRAD
Ray Romano: Peter! Look!!!
Doris Roberts: Raymond?
Brad Garrett: Ray?!
Peter Boyle: holy crap!
Ray Romano: ok so there's some kaderaths somewhere and.
Brad Garrett: oh we know.
Doris Roberts: we were updated.
James Monroe: hecko people of the ship! We need to stand united against the kaderaths! You need to-
(James Monroe is shot)
Ray Romano: someone shot him!!!
Peter: holy crap!
Seth Rogen: Hahahahahahahaha…
(Seth Rogen is brutally murdered)
Peter: holy crap!!!
Doris: What's happening?!
Brad: WE NEED TO EVACUATE!!!!!
Ray Romano: Come on! Stay! Stay!
Brad: It’s a full scale invasion!!! Everybody run!!!
Peter: holy crap!
Chapter 6:
THE DEATH OF THE BELOVED
(EVERYONE JUMPS OUT OF SHIP ONTO KADERATHIA)
(KADERATH APPEARS)
Patricia heaton: suck on this you idiot!
(patricia shoots kaderath with gun)
(nothing happens)
Patricia: shoot.
Doris: patricia?! You’re alive?!
Patricia: doris!
Ray Romano: HAS NOBODY REALIZED THAT THERE’S STILL A KADERATH HE--
(Kaderath releases electric shock on Ray)
Ray: AHHH!!!!!
Doris and Peter: RAY!!!
(Ray Romano dies)
PATRicia: first you kill my brother… now my fake tv husband?!!! YOU idiot!!!
(philip comes in on ship)
PHILIP: WAH HAPPENED?!
Doris: WHO THE heck are you?!
Philip: wah do you mean?
Doris: oh yeah… uh… you’re…
Philip: doris? Wah’s my name?
Doris: uh, uh, uh…. AHHHH!!!!
(Doris turns into kaderath)
Peter: wah the heck did you do with my fake tv wife?!!!
DOris-kaderath: AHHh!!!!!!
(DORIS-KADERATH CUTS off Ray’s head)
BRAD: MY FAKE TV BROTHER!!!
RAY’S HEAD: AHHH!!!!!!
PETER: HOLY crap!!!
(PHILIP TAKES OUT REVIVING POTION)
RAY’S HEAD: YES!!!
PHILIP: I’LL SAVE YOU!!!
(KADERATH SLICES OFF PHILIP’S HEAD)
BRAD: THE POTION!!!
(BRAD GETS POTION AND THROWS IT ON RAY’S HEAD)
BRAD: RA--
(BRAD IS CUT IN HALF)
BRAD: NOOO!!!!!!!
(KADERATH PUTS GUN TO PATRICIA’S HEAD)
ACKBAR: IT’S A no!
PATRICIA: HUH?
ACKBAR: I GOTTA GO!
(ACKBAR COMMITS SUICIDE)
MON MOTHMA: IT IS THE LOGICAL CHOICE.
RAY: AHH! I’M ALIVE!!!
Patricia: Ray! Help me!!!
Ray: Okay!!!
(Ray Romano throws a rock at the kaderath)
Voice: we got this!
Ray: You guys?!
(Neil Peart picks up philip’s space sword and stabs kaderath)
Patricia: thanks. Kaderath idiots.
Geddy Lee: we need to go down to help them.
Ray: who?
Neil Peart: The ship that fell back to kaderathia!
Patricia: those idiots!!!
Ray: but we need to command the ship!
John Rutsey: DID ANYONE ELSE REALIZE THAT PHILIP IS DEAD?!
Peter Boyle: yes.
Geedy Lee: so who's coming to help them?
Peter: not me.
Patricia: nope.
Ray: not I said the cat.
John Rutsey: let's go!!!
(Rush leaves the scene)
Peter: buncha hippies
Ray: so. The ship. That's still flying above us.
Patricia: we should board it.
Peter: after…
Ray: after?
Peter: after we roast marshmallows.
Chapter 7:
Tom Sawyer
Leia: the engines are cut!
Han: dang Kaderaths!
Zach: I can help you!!!
Han: I doubt that.
Zach: No! Really i know how to!-
(Han opens the airlock)
(Zach flies into the cold unforgiving arms of space)
Zach: Ha! I can survive anything!!!
(Satan pulls Zach through portal to the underworld)
Zach: dang you!!!
Satan: Yeah that already happened.
Zach: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Satan: No.
(Zach falls into the underworld)
Zach: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Luke: Kill the non-believers!!!
Han: We need to fix the engines!!!
Leia: we need chewie to go fix the engine.
Han: CHEWIE!!! FIX THE GOD dang ENGINE!!!!!!!
Chewbacca: RRRAAAUUGGGHHHH!!!!!
(Chewbacca fixes the engine)
Han: good job.
(Ship crashes.)
Luke: We’re stranded.
Han: hey Leia to bring something back from a previous chapter. How's your arm?
Leia: it's better.
Han: okay.
Luke: look! Something’s coming toward us!
Neil Peart: what's up!
Like: oh hey...you guys.
John Rutsey: we’re here to get you back onto the ship.
Han: yeah. The ship’s busted soooooo…..
Geddy Lee: that's alright. We got skills.
Han: really?
Neil Peart: just watch us.
Leia: oh god.
Luke:
O Canada! Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land, glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee;
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada! Where pines and maples grow,
Great prairies spread and Lordly rivers flow!
How dear to us thy broad domain,
From East to Western sea!
The land of hope for all who toil,
The true North strong and free!
God keep our land, glorious and free.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
O Canada! Beneath thy shining skies,
May Stalwart sons, and gentle maidens rise.
To keep thee steadfast thro’ the years,
From East to Western sea.
Our own beloved native land,
Our true North strong and free!
God keep our land, glorious and free.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
Ruler supreme, who hearest humble prayer,
Hold our Dominion, in thy loving care.
Help us to find, O God, in thee,
A lasting rich reward.
As waiting for the better day,
We ever stand on guard.
God keep our land, glorious and free.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
Han: what the heck was that?!
Luke: the Canadian national anthem.
Han: why?
Luke: some things will be explained in their own time.
John Rutsey: we fixed your ship! It's big but all we needed to do was convert the power from one of the wires to-
Han: okay. Will it fly?
Geddy Lee: yeah.
Han: that's all I needed to know.
Neil Peart: okay then. We're boardin’ our old ship. See ya!
Leia: bye.
_______________________
Later on the ship
_________________
Han: wow. This thing really works.
Luke: Han it was just some duct tape.
Han: it still works.
Leia: so where are we going?
Han: where everyone else is going...to Earth.
Luke: Earth?! We haven't been there in a while.
Han: I know...no one has. After...well you know.
Luke: after what?
Han: after the sith turned it into a base. They evacuated but there's still so much dark energy there.
Luke: well we have to go.
Chewbacca: RRRAAUGGHHH!!!
Luke: yeah he's right. We need to destroy the kaderaths and if they're on Earth then we’ll beat them on Earth!
_______________________
Later near Earth
_________________
Han: here we are!
(Ship comes out of lightspeed)
Luke: holy shoot.
(Kaderath fleet surrounds Earth)
Leia: where's the other ship?!
Han: there.
(Destroyed ship in the distance)
Luke: there's still some signs of life there!
Han: but there won't be much on this ship unless we get the heck out of here!
Luke: too late! The tractor beam!!!
Han: HOLD ON!!!
Chapter 8:
Fleet of kaderath...or is it?
Darth Bane: yes...the fleet will destroy them.
(Holograms of Kaderath General and Grand Admiral thrawn appear)
Grand Admiral Thrawn: sir! We have crushed the resistance with our blockade!!!
Darth Bane: yes good.
Kaderath General (AKA Charles): there's still some rebels. We have used the tractor beam!
Darth Bane: good idea.
Voice: no it is not!!! Let me talk to them.
Darth bane: yes...you may.
(Grand Moff Tarkin is revealed)
GMT: you must be wary of these rebels. I have seen what they can do. If they break free of your hold you must initiate plan z.
GAT: Plan Z?!
GMT: yes...plan Z.
Charles: If we are to initiate plan Z we must do it quickly.
GMT: yes. But make sure you wait until they break from your grasp.
Charles: yes sir.
(Hologram turns off)
Darth Bane: good job.
GMT: thanks...where's the muffins?
Darth Bane: The delivery guy hasn't come yet.
GMT: I'll wait at the door.
(Muffin guy comes with basket of muffins)
(Tarkin takes the basket)
Muffin guy: that'll be 3,000 dollars si-
(Tarkin shoots muffin delivery man)
Darth Bane: good. The muffins are here.
GMT: we will crush this rebel fleet.
______________________
Meanwhile
_________________
Han: we’re being pulled in!!!
Luke: How do we stop it!
Leia: Look! Another ship is boarding the star destroyer!!!
Luke: Oh shoot.
(sHIP GETS PULLED INTO STAR DESTROYER)
sTORMTROOPER: eSCORT THem to the grand admiral.
Stormtrooper: Yes sir.
Luke: Okay. How do we get out of this!?
Han: I have no idea.
(Han Luke Leia and Chewbacca get out of the ship)
Stormtrooper: Come with us.
Leia: Okay.
_____________________
Later
______________
Luke: Hey! Where the heck are we.
Voice: You are on my ship!
Luke: No! It can’t be!!!
GAT: Yes. It is i!!!
Han: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Okay.
Charles: And I am a kaderath general also known as Charles. Igor! Bring me the chains.
Igor: Certainly
(Igor gets the chains)
Luke: Jerk
Igor: Eh.
Han: Let us go or you die!!!
GAT: I wish that was under your control.
Luke: You cn’t keep us here!!!
Chewbacca: RRRAAAUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Igor: I will help you master.
Stormtrooper: Sir! Unidentified ships approaching!!!
GAT: Destroy them!!!
Luke: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Charles: Igor! Kill them!
(Ray Romano Patricia Heaton and Peter Boyle enter)
Ray: come on! We have help waiting!
Han: who?!
GAT: enough of this!!! Die!!!
Luke: no!
(Luke Han and Leia run away)
Ray: guys! Take care of em’!
Geddy Lee: we got this!!!
Han: the hippie guys!!!
(John Rutsey is shot)
Luke: what do we do?!
(Alex Lifeson appears)
Neil Peart: Alex Lifeson!!!
Alex Lifeson: I'm here! And so are the kaderaths!!!
(2000 kaderaths appear)
Han: shoot!
Mustache Robert: hey guys. I'm Robert.
Ray: mustache Robert!!!
Mustache Robert: yes! Here I am!!!
Alex Lifeson: we got missiles locked onto this piece of shoot!!!
Geddy Lee: let’s go!!!
Neil Peart: but! How do we escape without a ship?!
Igor: I will help you!
Raymond: what the heck?!
Luke: the kaderaths have guns?!
Igor: they're coming!!!!!!!
Alex Lifeson: what the heck?!
Chapter 9:
AN UNEXPECTED HELPER
Igor: Ray! Get down!
Ray Romano: huh?!
BOOm!
Igor: to the escape pods!!!
Mustache Robert: Go!!!!
GAT: there they are!!! Kaderaths! Kill them all!!!
Ray Romano: dang!
(Everyone runs for the escape pods)
Charles: the resistance is escaping!
GAT: NOOOOOOOO!!! LOCK ALL THE HATCHES!!!
Mustache Robert: I'm a cop.
(Mustache Robert shoots Grand Admiral Thrawn in the face)
GAT: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Leia: ha!
Igor: the escape pods are ready!!!
Han: thank God.
God: you're welcome.
(Everyone escapes in pods)
(Igor takes out microphone)
Igor: FIRE!!!
(grand Admiral Thrawn’s ship explodes from missiles)
Igor: OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Han: nice job kid.
Igor: I am 5000 years old.
Han: oh.
Luke: so we’re the last of the resistance?
Igor: not exactly. There are others.
Alex Lifeson: what?! How?!
Igor: they are on Earth. But soon they'll be destroyed.
Geddy Lee: the kaderath ships are going to the surface!!!
Han: and we’re stranded.
Peter Boyle: holy crap!
Chapter 10:
Earth’s warriors
Wonder Woman: The kaderaths are here!!!
Green Lantern: come on justice League! We can do this!
Flash: actually we can't really do anything without superman.
Aquaman: yes we can! We can fight!
Cyborg: actually. My calculations show me that the kaderaths will destroy us all.
Aquaman: screw the sensors.
Green Lantern: what do we do?!
Wonder Woman: we have to stop them!!!
Green arrow: guys! I'm scouting something! Kaderath gunships!!!
Green lantern: no!
Kaderath: Prepare for the Earth’s last hour!!!
Flash: we need to strengthen the shield on the city!!! Lantern!
Green Lantern: oh shoot! They're shots are breaking through!
Aquaman: get ready!
Green Arrow: wait! I'm picking something up on the sensors!!!
Cyborg: what the heck is it
Green arrow: can't tell! It's two lifeforms!
Wonder Woman: kaderath?
Green arrow: I can't tell!!!
Flash: dude! Look out for the freakin gunships!
Green Lantern: I can't keep the shield up!!!
Aquaman: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Wonder Woman: time to fight!
Green arrow: lifeforms are in range! Should we fire captain atom’s nuke?!
Cyborg: we should do it. To respect him.
Green Arrow: alright then. Ya god dang kaderaths!!!
(Green arrow fires nuke into the sky)
Green Arrow: the two lifeforms are still alive.
Flash: the kaderath gunships are gone!
Aquaman: we need to tend to the survivors in the GCPD building.
Flash: okay then.
Wonder Woman: look! It's superman!!!
Green Lantern: what?!
(Superman crashes)
cyborg: we have to help him!!!
Green Arrow: them.
Cyborg: what?!
Green Arrow: WE HAVE TO HELP THEM!!! SUPERMAN HAS SOMEONE ELSE IN HIS CAPE!!!
Flash: we can't get there and help the surviv-
Billy: SHAZAM!!!
(Billy turns into SHAZAM)
(SHAZAM flies toward superman)
Shazam: superman! Are you okay?!
Superman: yeah! But he's not.
Shazam: what?!
Batman: hey.
SHazam: you guys both died though!!!
Batman: what?!
Superman: that's what the universe thought.
(Batman superman and shazam fly toward Gotham)
Wonder Woman: you're alive?!
Superman: of course.
Flash: Bruce!
Batman: what?!
Flash: Bruce you're alive!!!
Batman: Bruce is dead!
Aquaman: but you're batman!
Batman: yes. I'm Thomas Wayne. My son Bruce is dead!
Green Lantern: whaaaaaaa?!
Batman: now...who the heck are all these people.
Superman: batman. This is the justice league. We're here to destroy the kaderaths.
Chapter 11:
Very snazzy
Batman: very snazzy.
Chapter 12:
Justice league
vs
Kaderath fleet
Green Arrow: shoot.
Cyborg: what?!
Green Arrow: the kaderath gunships were just the beginning. They've got a full on fleet of warships.
Flash: shoot.
Batman: we need to shoot down the kaderaths.
Wonder Woman: how?! Only the space sword can kill them!!!
Batman: the weapons on my universe are all made out of whatever material you're talking about.
Superman: cool.
Shazam: I'm gonna go tend to the survivors.
Cyborg: yeah. Come on Aquaman.
Aquaman: cool.
(Aquaman cyborg and shaman leave)
Wonder Woman: look! The warships!!!
Green Arrow: shoot.
Flash: how do we fight?!
Batman: I told you! I have the necessary weapons.
Superman: and I'm Superman
Batman: shut up.
Flash: so. Aliens. Humans are dying.
Wonder Woman: the other resistance members need to get off world!
Green Arrow: yeah that’ll be really easy.
Flash: the ships are gonna start firing!
Superman: you got any superweapons batman?!
Batman: nope.
Superman: what?!
Batman: I've got a gun loaded with space sword bullets.
Green Arrow: shoot.
Batman: Wha!?
Green Arrow: The ships!!!!
Green Lantern: Oh shoot.
Superman: The kaderaths!!!
Batman: I got this!
(Batman shoots guns into the sky)
Green Arrow: It didn’t work! This idiot can’t do shoot!!!
Flash: I got this.
Other Flash: No! Barry don’t do it!!! You’ll kill everyone!
Flash: Okay.
Wonder Woman: If the kaderaths reach earth then we’re dead!!!\
Batman: I’ve got this!!!
Superman: You clearly don’t!
Green Lantern: Come on Batman! Let’s do this!
(Mike Tyson appears)
Mike tyson: If you guys are gonna rumble you need Mike Tyson’s official guide to rumbling!
Green Lantern: no... we’re good. Thanks.
Mike Tyson: Okay then
Mike tyson [Demon voice]: You will regret this injustice earthlings.
(Mike tyson disappears into the flames of heck)
Green Arrow: What the heck was that!?
Batman: I have no idea.
Green Lantern : No! I’m still serious about fighting you!!!
(Batman takes green lantern’s ring off his finger)
Green lantern: dang you!!!
Superman: Guys! Stop!!!
Batman: okay.
(kaderaths appear)
Wonder Woman: Green Arrow! You were supposed to keep watch!!!
Green Arrow: Oh no.
Green Lantern: There’s only enough room for one green person here!!!
Superman: Shut the heck up!!! We have to kill the kaderaths!
Batman: got it!
(Batman kills the kaderaths)
Flash: hey! Look! More kaderaths!!!
Superman: Their ships are made of kryptonite!!!
Green Arrow: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Wonder Woman: we have to find a way to stop the ships!
Batman: We run!!!
(Everyone runs)
Flash: Ha!
Superman: Ugh! The kryptonite!
Green Arrow: Hey look! Another ship! How’s that for scouti-
(Green Arrow dies)
Wonder Woman: Green Arrow!!!
Batman: keep running!!!
(Other ship lands)
Chapter 13:
THE CONJUNCTIONS
(SHP LANDS)
Nor: lololololooo!!!!
So: NOR! CALM DOWN!!!!
Superman: who? Who are you?!
Nor: we are the conjunctions!
Superman: Con-- Wah?
And: the conjunctions.
Superman: oh, oka-- DIE!
(Superman kills all of the conjunctions with laser vision)
Mr. T: Hey! Those guys were my ride home!
Mike Tyson: Mr. T?!
Mr. T: yEAH.
Mike tyson: hi.
Mr. t: okay.
Nor: hey! wah was that for!
For: huh?
Nor: shut the heck up For.
So: hey, don’t be mean to For! He’s our leader! Our Very respected leader!
Nor: no wonder your at the end of F.A.N.B.O.Y.S.…
So: WAH DID YOU SAY about me!
NOR: nOTHING!
sO: And for your information, use the correct “YOUR” When you’re using a sentence--
For: Calm down!
Mr. d: MY CONJUNCTIONS! WHERE ARE YOU?!
So: Mr. D?!
Mr. D: YES MY CHILDREN! IT IS I! MR. D!!!!
Mr. T: Hey! There’s only one Mr. ____ in this book!
Mr. d: ACTUALLY! I WAS HERE WAAAAAAYYYYY BEFORE YOU, MR. T!
Mr. T: screw you ya idiot.
Mr. D: HEY! THAT’S MEAN! DIEEE!
(MR. D ELECTROCUTES MR. T AND MR. T DIES)
MIKE TYSON: AHhh!!!!!! You son of a--
boom.
(MR. D KILLS MIKE TYSON)
For: wait? I thought Mike died?
MIKE TYSON: I DID!
(Mike tyson turns into kaderath)
KADERATH MIKE TYSON: AHHHH!!!!!!!!
(Kaderath eats For)
piss boy: holy shoot!
pETER BOYLE: Holy crap!
(BOTH PISS BOY AND PETER BOYLE TURN INTO KADERATHS)
Nor: ahh!--
(Nor is eaten by KADERATH)
Flash: oh no! Batman! Green Lantern! Hurry!!!
Batman: GREEN LANTERN isn't here.
Flash: wah?! Where is he?!!!
bATMAN: he’s…. In my….
Flash: where?! Where the heck is he?!!!
Batman: in my… STOMACH!!
Flash: wah?!
(batman turns into kaderath)
BATMAN (ACTUAL): WAH THE heck HAPPENED HERE?! I GO TO GET ONE hot dog! And--
(batman is eaten by kaderath)
(ACTUAL BATMAN TURNS INTO KADERATH)
(KADERATH REGURGITATES “ACTUAL” BATMAN, WHO’S ACTUALLY ANOTHER KADERATH)
RAY ROMANO: HIIIIIIIIIIII!!
(RAY ROMANO TURNS INTO KADERATH)
(EVERYONE BESIDES SUPERMAN TURNS INTO KADERATHS)
(EVERYONE BESIDES SUPERMAN DISAPPEAR INTO THE FLAMES OF heck)
SUPERMAN: HOLY CRA--
(SUPERMAN FAINTS)
Chapter 14:
The space guys arrive
Han: So how do we get these pods running!?
Igor: we don’t.
Luke; So we just die!?!?
Chewbacca: RRRAAUUGGHH!!!!
Zach: i brought beverages!!!
(Zach is pulled into heck by Satan)
Zach: shhhhiiittt!!!!
Satan: come with me weak human!
Igor: ahh!!!
(Igor takes out pistol)
Satan: oh shoot!
(Satan throws Zach back)
Han: okay? Whatever. Let's die.
(Everyone commits suicicde besides Zach)
Zach: WAH?!!!
(Han turns into Kaderath)
Kaderath Han: AHHH!!!
(Kaderath Han eats Zach)
Random guy: hey Kaderath!
(Kaderath turns around)
Kaderath Han: huh?!
(Random guy shoots Han)
(Han doesn't die)
(Everyone else turns into Kaderaths)
Zach: WAH the heck!!!! Heeelllppppp!!!!
Random guy: don't worry. Fear not. Because--
(Kaderath rips random guy’s arm off)
Random guy: holy shoot!!!
Green arrow ghost: AHHH!!!
(Green arrow ghost shoots kaderath)
(all Kaderaths disappear)
Zach: green lantern?!
Green arrow ghost: yes Zach! I am back!
Zach: but how did yo--
(Portal to heck reappears)
Satan: get in you idiot!
(Satan pulls Zach by his neck into portal)
Zach: dang you, you idiot!!!
Green arrow ghost: oh well. Sucks for him….
Chapter 15:
THE SCAVENGERS
Green arrow ghosT: now WAH?
---
Green arrow ghost: isn't someone going to come?
---
Green arrow ghost: or anything else?
---
Green arrow ghost: uhhh???
(Ship lands)
Green arrow ghost: okay?
Random guy: sup arrow.
(Random guy stabs Green arrow ghost in back)
Green arrow ghost: AHHH!!! Wait, I'm a ghost.
Random guy: uhhhh…. MY GHOST REMOVAL POTION!
Green arrow ghost: why the heck do you have that on you?! shoot!
Random guy: where's my gun…
(Random guy takes out gun)
Random guy: you will remember the name of--
(Person runs out of ship)
Kay: Get down!
Green arrow ghost: shoot yeah!
Random guy: uh-oh.
(Random guy runs away)
Kay: not today, you idiot.
(Kay puts eye in scope of sniper)
Kay: suck on this.
(Kay snipes random guy in back)
Green arrow ghost: who are you?
(5 other people get out of ship)
Zet: WAH the heck happened out here? I was sleeping!
Terro: shut up dumbass…
Yead: *yyyaaaaawwwnnnn*
Zet: see! Yead gets it!
Kay: hey!
Green arrow ghost: mind explaining?
Kay: we are the S--
Tenn: we're the space sword scavengers from svva.
Reet: we protect the world from-- well our world-- from different threats that corn across us.
Green arrow ghost: WAH are your names anyway?
Tenn: he's Kay, Root, Zat, Yead, Reet, and I'm the leader, Tenn.
Kay: “leader…”
Tenn: who are you?
Green arrow ghost: I am the green arrow. Well, Green arrow ghost now.
Yead: ghost? How?
Green arrow ghost: there are these aliens called the “Kaderaths”, and th--
(Everyone besides Green arrow ghost takes out space sword)
Green arrow ghost: WAH happened?! Who's there?
Kay: you knew of-- “the ones”.
Green arrow ghost: the… Ones?
Reet: the Kaderaths. They are our most feared enemy.
Kay: I believe if you say their name, their spirits will come back from the dead to haunt you.
Tenn: that's a load of bull. Don't listen to him. All that matters is that we wiped them out and we don't have to worry about them anymore.
Kay: uh… Tenn?
Tenn: yeah?
Kay: I kinda just killed a-- *gulp*-- Kaderath.
Tenn: WAH the heck do you mean?!!!!
Batman: we mean that they are still alive.
Green arrow ghost: batman!!!
Aquaman: we're here to help.
Batman: he sucks.
Aquaman: hey!-- actually I can't argue.
Zet: who are these people?! Kaderaths?!!!
(Zet takes out gun)
Zet: tell me!!!
Batman: woah! Woah! Calm down!
Green arrow ghost: it's okay, they're with me.
Kay: I trust him.
Tenn: really?! I don't Care!
Batman: who are these people, arrow?
Green arrow ghost: these people are zit--
Zet: Zet.
Green arrow ghost: key.
Kay: Kay.
Green arrow ghost: eleven.
Tenn: tenn.
Green arrow ghost: never mind…
Kay: we're the Space Sword Scavengers. From Svva.
Batman: I'm batman.
Kay: oka--?
Batman: I'm batman.
Kay: uh…
Batman: I'm batman!
Aquaman: I don't recall of Svva. What Galaxy?
Tenn: it's a whole other universe. But we'll get more into that in the next book.
Batman: another universe? Which one?
Zet: it's in the Yu-Port.
Batman: hm.
Green arrow ghost: why are you here anyway?
Kay: we're here because we sensed a disturbance in the--
Batman: force?!
Kay: no? Wah's the force?
Batman: well I'm glad you asked!!!
DA DA DA DA DA DDAAAA!!!!
The force!
(Do do-do do)
The force!!!
(Do do-do do)
The force! It's a magical--
(Da-dun-dun)
It's a magical ability!
That's makes you break the law of Gravity!
You can pick up stuff!
(Dadadada)
And throw it at aquaman!!!
(Batman throws brick at aquaman)
Now as you just saw!
(Do do-do do)
I can't use the force!
(Da da da)
But there's someone who can!
(Da!)
The Je-Diii!
They've got light up swords that can cut anything in half!
Just try to cut a brick!
(No no no-no!)
Try to cut solid steel!
(No no no-no!)
Ya try to cuuuuuut soemthin’!
And all you'll get is nothin’!
The foorrrrrccceee!!!!!
Zet: the force?!
Batman: yes the force! Try it out!
Terrow: can I try?!
Yead: and I?
Batman: sure! Do it! Just try!!!
(DO DO-DO-DO!!!)
Tenn: how exact ally do you use it anyway?
Batman: I don't know.
(DO DO DO DO!!!)
Kaderath: AHHH!!!
(Kaderath attempts to eat Yead)
Yead: oh shoot!
(Yead stabs Kaderath with space sword)
Batman: how did you get a space sword?!
Kay: in our dimension, you can easily make one. We have tons in the shi--
(Batman runs to ship)
Batman: no! WE’RE GONNA WIN THIS dang WAR!!!
Green arrow ghost: space sword?
(Batman stops)
Batman: WAH?
Green arrow ghost: wah's a space sword?
Batman: it's the only thing that can kill any being known to anyone!!!
Green arrow ghost: oh. OH!!! OHH!!! OH shootTT!!!!
(Batman and Green arrow ghost swim in Space swords)
Aquaman: I'm still here…
Batman: f-u!!!
Tenn: Kay.
Kay: huh?
Tenn: Kay.
Kay: WAH?
Tenn: KAY!!!
Yead: are you thinking wha I'm thinking?
Tenn: yeah… These guys might be-- *Gulp*-- “THEM”.
Kay: WAH do you--
….
Kay: OHHH!!! “them”.
Tenn: yeah…
Kay: I… I don't know…
Tenn: why would they want the space swords so bad?
(Kay shrugs shoulders)
Tenn: so there will be nothing left to kill them! Leaving them with unlimited power!
Kay: yeah, I… I guess…
Tenn: really? You don't see it?!
Kay: yeah, but… Maybe they--
Zet: maybe they WAH?!
Terrow: maybe you’re one of them, Kay.
Kay: idiot…
Tenn: don't jump to conclusions Terrow.
Kay: how ‘bout we test their blood.
Tenn: alright.
Aquaman: (whispers to self) so that's where they went… ha! Ha! HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!
Zet: huh?
Aquaman: nothing!
Zet: weirdo…
Batman: thank you!!! Now we’ll be safe!!!
Zet: can you… Can you come over here.
Batman: sure?
Zet: follow me back to the ship…
Kay: well the ghost isn't a Kaderath because he… Well. Kaderaths can't be ghosts.
Tenn: true. Just test the bat one.
Batman: test?
Green arrow ghost: WAH test?
Kay: don't worry about it.
________________
IN the ship
________________
Batman: hey, wah's going o--
(Batman is injected with sleeping serum)
Batman: w--
(Batman is asleep)
Zet: where's the needle…
--
Zet: there it is! Alright, now the monitor…
_________________________
FAST FORWARD:
BATMAN IS TESTED
_________________________
Zet: (nods head)
Kay: (nods head)
Tenn: okay.
Green arrow ghost: WAH happened in there?
Kay: uhh…
(Kay sprays Green arrow ghost and Batman with memory loss potion)
Tenn: alright, get them in the ship, and we’ll go back home.
---
Tenn: everyone on?
Everyone: yeah.
(Aquaman goes on back of ship)
Aquaman: finally! Me reve-- *cough*-- Ahhhh!!!!
(Ship starts and flies to Svva)
______________
AT SVAA
______________
Kay: they're waking up!
Tenn: okay! Uh!!! Uh…
Kay: hurry!--
Tenn: I know!!!
(Tenn punches batman and Green arrow ghost)
Kay: well… That was convenient.
Zet: alright, I'm gonna check the oil tank.
(Zet gets off ship and goes to back)
Aquaman: Zet!
Zet: who are you?!
(Zet takes out blaster)
Aquaman: I WAS WITH THE OTHERS BACK ON EARTH!
Zet: oh… Uh…
(Aquaman takes out gun behind his back)
Zet: sorry, I didn't--
(Aquaman shoots Zet)
(Aquaman does Vulcan neck pinch on Zet)
(Zet faints)
(Aquaman turns into Kaderath)
(Kaderath takes over Zet’s body)
Zet Kaderath: hey guys.
Kay: oh my gosh Zet! Wha happened to your neck?!
Tenn: ahh!!!
Zet Kaderath: uh… That was from last week. When I…
Tenn: the fight with the teers?
Zet Kaderath: uh, yeah!
(Tenn takes out blaster pistol behind his back)
Tenn: where did we fight the teers exactly?
Zet kaderath: uh… The… Under-- upper-- uh…
(Kaderath takes true form and leaves Zet's body)
Kaderath: ahh!!!!
(Zet falls)
Green arrow ghost: holy shoot! A kaderath! Kill it now!!!
Kay: get the space swords!!-- AHHH!!!
Tenn: WAH?!
Kay: where's the swords?!
Tenn: the Kaderath took them…
Kaderath: took ya long enough!!!
tenn: This isn't a regular Kaderath…
Kaderath: wow! 2 for 2! How smart… Hahaha!!!
Tenn: he's Whut Frull.
Everyone: *GASP!!!*
Chapter 16:
WHUT FRULL
Kay: DIE!!!
(kaderath gets shot by space sword bullet)
Batman: Ha!
Kay: what the heck is happening?!
Tenn: dang!
Batman: Watch your back!
(Whut Frull escapes)
Batman: Behind you!!!
Tenn: wait! that’s not a Kaderath!!!
Luke: that's right.
Batman: you never committed suicide?!
Luke: of course not!
Han: why the heck would we do that?!
Igor: we wanted you to think that so we could escape with you.
Batman: superman and shazam are still on Earth!
Geddy Lee: oh shoot!
Neil Peart: we need to go back!
Kay: but what about the kaderaths!!!
Alex Lifeson: we’ll kill them.
Batman: No! We can't! They've probably already taken Earth by now!
Tenn: Yeah.
Geddy Lee: No! We need to go!!! Earth is in danger!!!
Batman: FINE!!! We’ll go!!!
Neil Peart: YEEEAAAHHHHHH!!!
Geddy Lee:
There's no bread, let them eat cake
There's no end to what they'll take
Flaunt the fruits of noble birth
Wash the salt into the earth
(Instrumental)
But they're marching to Bastille Day
La guillotine will claim her bloody prize
Free the dungeons of the innocent
The king will kneel and let his kingdom rise
(more instrumental)
Bloodstained velvet, dirty lace
Naked fear on every face
See them bow their heads to die
As we would bow as they rode by
(Even more instrumental)
And we're marching to Bastille Day
La guillotine will claim her bloody prize
Sing, oh choirs of cacophony
The king has kneeled, to let his kingdom rise
(Guitar solo)
Lessons taught but never learned
All around us anger burns
Guide the future by the past
Long ago the mould was cast
(Instrumental)
For they marched up to Bastille Day
La guillotine claimed her bloody prize
Hear the echoes of the centuries
Power isn't all that money buys
(Final instrumental)
Tenn: what the heck was that!!!
Geddy Lee: our anthem!
Neil Peart: I thought anthem was our anthem.
Geddy Lee: oh yeah. Well then this is our battle cry.
Batman: very snazzy.
Tenn: but too long!
Geddy Lee: fine. We can shorten it.
Batman: how bout ya?
Kay: no. What about Die Kaderath scum!
Neil Peart: nah. How about die king Louis!!!
…
Han: uhhhh...how about we do AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Luke: how about we say for the force!
Leia: no. We should say something like for alderaan!!!!!
Chewbacca: RRRAAUAUUGGHHHH!!!
Han: hey that's a good one!
Everyone: Yeah!
(Superman wakes up)
Superman: WHERE AM I?!
(Loud penguin quack)
Superman: am I dead? What’s goi- AAUUGGGHHHH!!!!!
Psychic penguin: hecko superman. I am speaking to you through your mind. I am here to tell you that we are the last survivors of the penguin kind. We’re also some of the last Earthlings.
Superman: so...what do we do?! Where are we?!
Penguin: near your fortress of solitude. We are in penguin territory.
Superman: so what do we do?
Penguin: we are planning to launch the jets to push the land away from the Earth.
Superman: but we can fight!
Penguin: no. Not against that.
Superman: what the heck is-
Penguin: that is the Kaderath super weapon.
Superman: and how do we beat it?
Penguin: I already told you...we can't. I will now reveal myself to you and will lead you to meet my brothers and sisters.
(6 foot tall penguin reveals himself)
Penguin: I am Henry the penguin and we have much to discuss my friend.
(Henry leads superman to open field of snow filled with penguins)
Henry: we are here.
Superman: so what are we doing now?
Henry: we wait to be fired off the Earth so that we may live in peace.
Superman: No!!! We have to try to fight them!
Henry: we can't. We lack manpower and weapons.
Superman: I am a weapon!
Henry: but one weapon is not enough!
Superman: where are my friends?! The justice League!
Henry: they are gone.
Superman: they're dead?!
Henry: no just gone. We lost trace of them.
Superman: what?! You have no idea where they are?!
Henry: that's what I said.
Superman: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
Henry: calm down!!!
Superman: no! Is they're gone that's even more a reason to fight!
Henry: No! You need to stay here! We can save you!
Superman: I'm sorry but I can't sit by in peace while innocents are in danger.
Henry: you cannot defeat the superweapon. You will die.
Superman: I have to do something.
Henry: you can't.
Superman: this weapon...when it's done with Earth. Where will it go?
Henry: to destroy other resisting planets.
Superman: there are others!!!
Henry: of course.
Superman: where?
Henry: well the last I heard there was a guy named Shazman I think.
Superman: shazam?!
Henry: yeah that.
Superman: he's a resistance fighter from the justice League!
Henry: We are at peace here...we can’t leave.
Superman: Then i will.
Henry: Okay then. You can just die I guess.
Superman: You can thank me when i destroy the kaderaths.
Henry: Alright then. You’re welcome back to our peaceful penguin civilization any time!
Superman: Bye henry!!!
Henry: See ya later!
…….
Henry: Prepare for invasion of kaderathia.
Chapter 17:
Frull’s revenge
(SHIP LANDS ON THE PLANET GHET)
WHUT: hecko my army…
ARMY: GREETINGS MASTER!!!
WHUT: these SCAVENGERS must die! IMMEDIATELY!
__________________________
AT THE FRULL
COMMAND CENTER
__________________________
GENERAL TY: sir, we…
WHUT: WAH?!!!
GENERAL TY: WE HAVE SOME BAD NEWS--
WHUT: BAD NEWS?! WAH THE heck DO YOU MEAN?!!!
JUSTIN BIEBER: WAH DO YOU MEAN?
(JUSTIN BIEBER commits suicide)
CAPTAIN EEFO: my master… help me become better than wah i’ve previously demonstrated.
WHUT: nah…
EFFO: HELP ME YOU dang idiot!!!
WHUT: DON’T SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT, YOUNGLING!!!
(FRULL THROWS EEFO INTO WALL)
EFFO: F-- OW! --YOU!
BATMAN: I’M batman!!!
(BATMAN KILLS FRULL)
FRULL: NOPE. I’M STILL ALIVE.
EEFO: who the heck are you?!
Batman: i’m batman.
SOCKO: I’M SOCKO.
BATMAN: SO-- SOCKo?!!!
Chapter 18:
Inside the superweapon
Superman: Shazam!?I can sense him inside the kaderath weapon!!!
Kaderath: And that’s where you’ll be going!!!
(Superman gets knocked out)
(Superman wakes up)
Superman: Where am I!?
Kaderath: You are in the kaderath battle station!!!
Superman: With Shazam!?
Kaderath: Yes...but not for long. Execute the kryptonian!!!
Superman: shoot.
Shazam: I’ll save you.
(Shazam doesn’t die)
(Shazam saves superman)
Superman: we have to fight them!
Shazam: no! They’re too powerful!
Superman: We can still beat them. Where’s the resistance?!
Shazam: Dead.
Superman: What?!
Shazam: the humans I was trying to protect were all killed! We can't do anything now!
Superman: We can still do something! We can still do this!!!
(Superman knees Kaderath in the jaw)
Superman: now we need to deactivate this weapon!!!
Shazam: you can't. It's going to exploDe on impact! The kaderaths are shooting themselves into the Earth to blow it up!
Superman: so there's no giant laser?!
Shazam: no! It's just going to plunge into the Earth and kill whatever life is left on it! There's nothing left to do!!!
Superman: we have to stop this!!!
Shazam: we can't!
Superman: I can stop the drill with my super strangth!
Shazam: no you can't it has traces of kryptonite in it.
Superman: then you use your super strength!!!
Shazam: I can't the kaderaths will eat me alive!!! I have normal skin!
Superman: then what do we do?
Shazam: nothing.
Superman: nothing.
The magic conch: nothing.
________________________
4 hours of
nothing later
__________________
Superman: so how long until we die.
Shazam: we got like a few hours.
Superman: okay then...you know how to play blackjack?
Shazam: nah.
Superman: dang.
Shazam: dang indeed.
Superman: now there's nothing left to do but wait.
Shazam: wait what the heck is that?!
Superman: what?!
Shazam: It’s Antarctica flying towards us!
Superman: those crazy idiots!!!
Henry: RAMMING SPEED!!!!!!!
Shazam: what the heck?!
Henry: look guys! In the window! It's superman!
Penguins: YAAAAYYYYYYY!!!
Superman: penguins no!!!!!
Henry: it's okay superman! We will give our lives for this planet! Ready the ice cannons!!!
(Penguins ready the ice cannons)
Superman: you can't! You'll die!!!!
Henry: we are prepared for that. Make a monument for us on Earth.
Superman: you can't destroy the whole weapon!
Henry: trust us...RAMMING SPEED!!!!!!!!!
Penguins: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
(Penguins frolic and play in their final moments)
(Penguins are blown into oblivion)
(Or are they)
Superman: HEEENNNRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Shazam: he gave his penguin life for us.
Superman: and I'll have sure it gets avenged!!!
Henry: there is no need superman. We penguins can survive anything.
Superman: but your attack failed. How can you help us now?!
Henry: what attack? We were just trying to get onboard.
(Penguins crawl into the ship)
Superman: you're alive?!
Henry: of course.
Shazam: I am very confused.
Henry: oh good. You found your friend. Now let's go!!!
Superman: no. I can't. I must destroy this weapon.
Shazam: yeah.
Henry: then we will help you.
Kaderath: hey! There's penguins here!!!
Henry: PENGUINS!!!! ATTACK!!!!!!!
(Penguins throw ice chunks at kaderaths)
Superman: wow. That did nothing.
Henry: yeah. Jump on their faces penguins!!!!
(Penguins jump on kaderaths’ faces)
Superman: okay they're distracted! Let's move!
Shazam: to where?!
Superman: the control center!
(Superman and Shazam run to the control center)
Kaderath: hey!
(Superman punches Kaderath in the face)
Kaderath: ow. That seriously injured me.
Superman: good.
Kaderath: okay bye now.
(Superman and Shazam keep running)
Superman: look! Up ahead!
Shazam: control center!!!
(Superman rips off the door)
Shazam: where's the self destruct button.
General: there isn't one.
Superman: who are you.
General: I am an enemy from your past.
Shazam: wha?!
General: I am darth plagueis!!!
Superman: what?
Plagueis: you know. The with guy.
Shazam: nope.
Plagueis: well anyway I was sent here to eliminate you. Darth sidious and Darth Revan will destroy your other resistance friends. It is over!
Superman: what?!
Plagueis: yeah. They're alive. They're on some random planet but we’ll find them.
Shazam: more resistance members?!
Plagueis: ha! Soon you will all be dead!!!
(Plagueis ignites lightsaber)
Superman: what do you expect to do with that glow stick?
Plagueis: it's not a glow stick it's a lightsaber!
Superman: a life saver? Oh I love those!!!
Plagueis: no! A lightsaber you fool!!!
(Superman sucks on the lightsaber)
Superman: where’s the flavor in this thing?!
Plagueis: it's a lightsaber! It kills people!!!
Superman: okay.
(Superman ignites lightsaber)
(Superman kills Plagueis)
Shazam: no deactivation button...he was right.
Superman: shoot.
Shazam: let's go back and help Henry.
Superman: good idea.
Chapter 19:
The enemy arrives
LUKE: are the ship's prepped?
Han: yeah. We’re ready.
Tenn: wait what was that?!
Luke: a disturbance in the force!!!
Kay: what the heck is the force?!
Luke: it's hard to explain.
Sidious: Die child!!!
Luke: No!!! never!!!
(Luke doesn't die)
Leia: good job Luke.
Luke: yeah!
Tenn: no!
Luke: get to the ship!!!
Kay: so we leave you here?
Luke: yeah
Tenn: we can't leave you!
Luke: you have to!
Han: but we live right?
Luke: yeah.
Han: alright I’m good! Let's go!
Leia: no! We can't leave him!
Han: we're going to.
Leia: no!
Han: yes!
Leia: no!
Han: yes!
Leia: n-
(Sidious kills Leia)
Han: Leia!!! Noooooooooooooooooooooooôooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Luke: you killed my sister you idiot!!!
(Sidious laughs evilly)
Sidious: that is the price of heroism! Everyone dies!!!
Han: yeah I guess you're right
Tenn: happy birthday James Monroe!!!
James Monroe: buuuuut It's not my birthday.
Kay: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…….yes it is James Monroe!
James Monroe: ok HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(James Monroe commits suicide)
Luke: go!
Han: got it!
(Han picks up Leia’s body and runs)
Geddy Lee: bye!
(Rush runs)
(Get it cause they're in a rush?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!)
Han: screw you Sidious!
Snoop Dawg: yo wha chu talkin’ bout’?
Sidious: what?
Snoop dawg: I ask wha da heck are you guy talkin’ Bout’
Chewbacca: RRRAAAUUGGHHH!!!!!!
Snoop Dawg: Aight my Bruda.
(Chewbacca runs away)
(Everyone boards the ship)
(Snoop Dawg commits suicide)
Sidious: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
(Ship flies away)
Chapter 20:
Countdown
Superman: AAAUUGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Kaderath: yes! You will suffer the wrath of the kaderaths!!!
Superman: No!!! You killed them!
Kaderath: we flushed out the resistance! We killed most of the penguins! Now we kill you and Shazam!!!
Shazam: SHAZAM!!!!!!
(Shazam turns into child)
Billy: Uhhhh.
Superman: Billy!
Kaderath: a child?!
Billy: NOOOO!!!
(Kaderath eats Billy)
Superman: Billy!!!!
Kaderath: Now! Watch the destruction!!!
(Kaderaths holds superman’s head to the window)
Superman: no! You can't!
Kaderath: you will watch the world die as you will die!
Superman: NEVER!!!
(Superman punches kaderath)
Superman: AHHHHHH!!!!
(Kaderath bites superman)
Superman: AUUGGHH!!!!
(More kaderaths arrive)
Superman: I won't let you take my new home!!!
Voice: oh...you mean Like I took your old one?
Superman: Brainiac!!!
Brainiac: yes. It is I. I am here to destroy you once and for all. There are no escape pods on this vessel. Have a nice death.
Superman: I can fly.
Brainiac: I can have you executed.
Superman: I don't care!
Brainiac: get the guillotine ready! Prepare for impact and make sure superman watches every moment that we’re hurtling towards Earth.
Superman: you can never capture me!
(Superman gets knocked out)
____________________
Later
_______________
Superman: where?
Kaderath: still on the ship! In the guillotine!
Superman: I won't die today!!!
Kaderath: yes you will.
(Brainiac enters)
Brainiac: enjoying the view?
Superman: no. I really am not.
Brainiac: good.
Superman: Ugh! How much longer.
Brainiac: exactly five minutes.
Superman: you can't do this!
Brainiac: oh but I am. I’m taking your new home just like I took Krypton from you all those years ago!
Superman: NO!!!
Kaderath: Ha! When shall I execute him?
Brainiac: thirty seconds before impact.
Kaderath: yes sir.
Superman: in seconds I'm gonna break out of here and kill you all.
Brainiac: try.
Superman: I will. In seconds.
Brainiac: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The ruination of humanity is at hand!
(...=meanwhile)
…
Han: luke’s dead. I know it!
Tenn: I am sorry for your loss.
Kay: yeah. Where's the weapon?
Neil Peart: there!
Geddy Lee: holy shoot!
Han: we're gonna need some bigger weapons.
Geddy Lee: no! It's almost at the Earth’s surface!!!
Alex Lifeson: We have to destroy it!
…
Superman: No!
Brainiac: the countdown is starting superman! Soon we’ll all be dead!
Kaderath: sir should I execute him now?!
Brainiac: no! Leave him till the last second!!!
5…
Geddy Lee: do you hear that?!
Han: yeah! The countdown!!!
4…
Brainiac: It is time for you to meet your end Kal El!!!
Superman: no...this can't be the end.
3…
Neil Peart: i’ll shoot myself at them!!!
Chewbacca: RRRAAAUGGHHH!!!!!
Tenn: accept the Earth’s fate! We have to leave!
2…
Brainiac: you wanna know why I'm gonna really enjoy this Kal El? It's because we’ll finally go down together in history. Funny thing is the Earth will soon be destroyed and no one will remember you, The man of steel.
(Henry the penguin spits in Kaderath’s eye)
…
Han: no! If the Earth is going down then I'm gonna see it through!
Kay: No!!! We have to leave before…
1…
Brainiac: goodbye Kal El.
0…
Kay: it's too late.
Boom!!!
(Ship gets blown into the far reaches of space)
Epilogue:
Earth is destroyed and superman is floating out in space. The weapon and all aboard are dead or almost dead. The end has come for Earth. Now there is only one hope left. And nobody knows what it is. Not even the writers
Superman: I just wanted to save them……
THE END
To be CONTINUED
IN NOTHING BUT LIES IX:
UNIVERSAL DISCOVERY
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