NOTHING BUT LIES VI: THE ILLUMINATI ASSAULT
The One Eyed Aliens
By JOSEPH D’ANDREA
and STEPHEN RINI
Dedicated to Captain Rex
and Commander Cody
Introduction:
dangit! We’ve really been through a lot! The illuminati have Philip and Thomas In their clutches. Ezra and Kanan have escaped and who even knows where the heck obi-wan, Maul, and Vader are?! Well we do and after reading this so will you!!! There will definetly be new enemies and friends as always. Watch out for the illuminati and they’re powerful reach over both universes. Not dimensions but universes! That’s right!!! The ancient sith are still at large! Ray Romano and Commander Ponds are starting their own rebellion at the remaining ships of blue’s fleet scattered throughout the galaxy. The illuminati have come!
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Chapter 1:
Illuminati
pHILIP: dAD! tHROW THE NUKE!!!
tHOMAS: WE HAVE TO WAIT!!!
.GRAND MASTER iLLUMINATI: HA! HA! HA!
zACH: hELP! hELP!!!
GRAND MASTER: nO ONE WILL SAVE YOU!!!
(GRAND MASTER KILLS zACH INSTANTLY)
aNGEL ZACH: sEE YOU GUYS! hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
(aNGEL zACH LOSES HIS WINGS AND FALLS on the ground)
sATAN: cOME TO ME!!!
zACH: noooooooo!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
(satan grabs Zach and pulls him into the cracks of the ground)
Philip: That was weird.
Thomas: Who are you!!!!??
GMI: I am the grand master!!!
Maul: Well i’m the old master!!!
(Maul stabs grand master)
GMI: Fools!!! Illuminati! Attack!!!
Philip: Run!!!
Thomas: No! I’ll throw the nuke!!!
(thomas Throws the nuke)
Philip: Nice job DAD!!!
Thomas: Thanks son!!!
Grand Master: FOOLS!!! DIIIEEEEEE!!!!!
Philip: no.
(Philip doesn't die)
Thomas: Good thinking son!!!
Philip: Get to the ship.
(the ship blows up)
Thomas: shoot.
Maul: I am maul!
Philip: How did you get here!?
Maul: My ship.
Thomas: Oh...Well i guess since we’re stranded we have to fight!!!
Philip: He’s too powerful!!!
Thomas: I wish Zach was here!
(Zach emerges from the cracks of heck)
Zach: Use the dark side!
Philip: No.
(Zach gets pulled down to heck by Satan)
Zach: My Balls!!!
Satan: ha!
Jesus: get back to heck satan.
Satan: oh yeah...sorry
(Satan goes back to heck)
Maul: Where is Ezra?!
Thomas: him and Kanan left us!
Maul: where did they go?!
Philip: we don't know!!!
Maul: I sense them on Krypton!
Thomas: cool!
Maul: see ya!
Philip: wha?!
(Maul gets into his ship and flies away)
Philip: dangit!
Thomas: Grand Master! What game are you playing!?
GMI: I am the enemy of your enemy now and I have my own reasons for wanting the-
Thomas: no. I mean the real reason you’re here. On geonosis.
GMI: oh. Just so I could do this! Geonosians! Attack!!!
Philip: shoot!
(The geonosians attack)
Philip and Thomas: AHHHHHHH!!!
Chapter 2:
A return?!?!
Kanan: ezra, set our coordinates to krypton.
Ezra: WHERE?
Kanan: krypton
Ezra: where’s that?
Kanan: they call it the “DC Universe”.
Ezra: DC? Whatever… but why would we want to go there?
Kanan: i heard that there are people there that have ways to d--
CRASH!
Ezra: ahhh!!!!! Kanan!! What the heck was that?!?!
Kanan: …
Ezra: kanan?! No!!! ahhH!!!!
ILLUMINATI BOUNTY HUNTER: DIE EZRA BRIDGER!!!
Ezra: how do you even know who i am?!
I.b.h.: i was sent here by the grand master to eliminate every remaining hero alive!
(ILLUMINATI BOUNTY Hunter takes out rifle)
Erza: no!
Superman: hey you god dangit pyramid!
IBH: huh?!
Superman: RUN EZRA!
Ezra: wah? RUN WHERE?! THis ship is only like 10 feet long?!
Superman: oh yeah. Anyway, AHHH!!!!!!!
(SUPERMAN USES LASER VISION TO KILL ILLUMINATI)
(Kanan wakes up)
Ezra: Kanan!!! What do we do?!
Kanan: I don't know.
Superman: I will take us to Krypton!
(Superman flies Kanan and Ezra to Krypton)
Ezra: cool planet.
Superman: thanks. It's nice to see a reality where my home isn't destroyed.
Ezra: cool.
Kanan: so. What the heck was that?!
Superman: the illuminati scouts. They’re after the kryptonite. It’s the one thing that can destroy me. And once they destroy me they’ll destroy my planet!
Kanan: we’ll help you stop them.
Superman: well they’re certainly no Kaderaths so that won't be too hard.
Ezra: what’s that?!
Superman: an illuminati ship!
Illuminati scout: people of Krypton! We bring news! We have nuclear bombs planted within your city and if you don't give us superman we will blow up your city!!!
Ezra: this is a bad day!
Illuminati scout: you have 24 hours to decide. Contact us at 444-678-379 kill superman. That’s right folks 444-678-379 kill superman. That’s 444-678-
Kryptonian: we get it!
Illuminati scout: that is all.
Random kryptonian: I say we hand over superman!
Other random kryptonian: nah. He's cool. He just bought me this sandwich!
Superman: stay super citizen!
Ezra: what do you think Kanan?
Kanan: we made a promise to superman. We’ve got to keep it.
Superman: hey you guys! What are we gonna do about the illuminati?
Ezra: shoot lasers at them?
Superman: brilliant idea! My planet has a fully equipped defense system!
Citizens: HAND OVER SUPERMAN! HAND OVER SUPERMAN!
Superman: looks like they already reached their decision.
Ezra: I need a microphone!
Kanan: here.
(Kanan hands Ezra a microphone)
Ezra: where’d you get the microphone?
Kanan: from my pocket.
Ezra: you just keep a random microphone in your-
Kanan: no time for that now! Speak to these people!!!
Ezra: ok. People of Krypton! Do you really want to hand over your one protector?! Your one savior who has guarded you all these years?! The one who murdered general Zod who was also one of your people. The one who defeated brainiac by vaporizing half your landscape. The one who punched doomsday into the sun and had him fall back down causing extreme...extreme levels of.
(Ezra fall over)
Ezra: extreme levels of radiation. And let's not forget the time he took all your water and gave it to the people of Earth! That was nice of him. So ask yourselves. Do you really want to be without him?
Citizens: yes! HAND OVER SUPERMAN! HAND OVER SUPERMAN!
Ezra: tough crowd. Looks like you die.
Superman: dangit it! And that speech was so good too!
Ezra: I know.
Random kryptonian: hey! Let’s hand over all three of em!!!
Ezra: dangit it superman! What’re you trying to do!?!?
Superman: destroy the illuminati.
Kanan: well that’s gonna get a lot easier soon.
(400 illuminati ships appear)
Ezra: what the heck?!
Kanan: get down!!!
Superman: i’ll cover y-
(Superman gets hit by missles)
Kanan: SUPERMAN!!!
Superman: activate the lasers.
Kanan: Ezra! At the gun towers! Come on!!!
(Ezra and Kanan go to the gun towers)
Ezra: Kanan! Look a remote to fire the guns!
Kanan: that was easy.
(Ezra pushes the button)
Kanan: wait! The guns are charging?!
Ezra: shoot!!!
Kanan: they’re gonna take 3 seconds!!!
Ezra: three!
Kanan: two!
(Illuminati ships get super close to the surface and start firing at the city)
Ezra: one!
Kanan: FIRE!!!
(The canons shoot ships down)
Ezra: yeah!
(The nuke explodes)
Superman: NOOOOOOOO!!!
(Billions of kryptonians die from kryptonite in the nuke)
Kanan: what have we done?
Superman: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Superman holds dead kryptonian in his arms)
Ezra: shoot!
Kanan: we’re sorry superman. We’ll help you clean up all these bodies.
Superman: YOU’RE SORRY?! SORRY?!
Ezra: yep.
Superman: YOU JUST WIPED OUT MY ENTIRE RACE!!!
Ezra: we know. And we’re sorry.
Superman: REALLY?!
Ezra: no.
Kanan: let’s uh. Get on the ship.
Ezra: sounds good.
(Ezra and Kanan leave)
Superman: bu-wha?!-guh?!
Ezra: bye!
(Superman sits on the ground)
(He is the last living kryptonian)
(Maybe)
Chapter 3:
Deep space: escape
(Batarang with rope grapples onto the end of portal)
(Older batman wearing space suit flies out of portal)
Batman: Mr D! Come on!!! Eh I’ll come back for him later. I have to warn them!
(Batman flies toward Krypton)
Superman: batman?!
Batman: yes! I must speak quick! I just escaped a portal! This portal is very important! You need to warn the others that there are things in the portal!!! Tell them!!!
Superman: tell who?!
Batman: Philip! Thomas! Obi-wan! Ezra! Anybody!
Superman: what’s so important about this portal?!
Batman: it’s something horrible something that’s taken people and will take everyone. At the end of the Third World War. It was there!!! It took-
(Illuminati soldier shoots batman and dies)
Batman: tell….them..old friend.
(Batman dies)
Superman: batman?! Batman?! Stay with me!!! Batman?! No! NoNoNo!!! Batman! Baaaaatttttmmmmaaaaaannnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!
Chapter 4:
A rebellion
Ray Romano: hey, Fox. You got and turrets?
Commander fox: we got the rebels building some now.
Ray Romano: good. Contact Steela and Saw and ask them if the third turret is built on the mountains.
Fox: good idea
(Steela runs up to Fox)
Steela: fox! We have one of blue’s ships incoming!!!
Fox: Fire all canons! Full power!!!
Steela: I’ll contact Saw and Lux!
Ray Romano: no! The ship entered the atmosphere!
(Steela contacts saw)
Steela: saw fire the cannons!!!
Saw: got it.
(Canons fire at Blue’s ship)
Ray Romano: we got it!
(Blue’s ship explodes)
Fox: yeah!
Steela: I need to board the command ship! I've been saying it all along! I can shut down the other ships!
Fox: look kid. We didn't save you and the other rebels from Onderon just so you could die on us! We need to keep using the canons!
Steela: one day those canons are gonna fail and we’re all gonna die! We need more protection or take out command and I say the easier thing Is to destroy that command ship!
Fox: well you’re not in command are you kid?!
Steela: no. I'm not...sir.
(Steela leaves)
Ray Romano: wait. Where is the command ship?
Fox: why?
Ray Romano: I...ya know. I just wanna know.
Fox: it’s just outside the atmosphere.
Ray Romano: really. So why don't we attack it?
Fox: because we don't want to take too many risks!
Ray Romano: we have an entire shipyard! We just need more pilots!
(In the shadows)
Han Solo: hey. You need 2 more pilots?
Fox: what?! Who said that?!
Han Solo: me and Chewie can pilot your ships.
Ray Romano: really? Come on Fox! We have to attack that command ship!
Fox: fine. Yeah sure. We can attack. Call Steela and the others.
Ray Romano: yes! Attack!
________________________
Later in the
Shipyard
___________________
Saw: let’s go!
Han: hold on! I gotta get some pie first.
(Han eats a slice of pie)
Han: alright now. Let’s go.
(Everyone boards separate ships)
Ray Romano: everyone lock on to the same coordinates!
Lux: got it!
Steela: locked on!
Saw: yep!
Fox: everyone! We are leaving now!
(Everyone leaves)
Fox: no! I meant we fly to the command ship!
Everyone: oh.
(Everyone flies toward the command ship)
________________________
On the bridge of the
Command ship
___________________
Grand Admiral Thrawn: what the heck!!! The resistance!!!
Stormtrooper: sir! They are coming in close!
GAT: I can see that!
________________________
Meanwhile
___________________
Steela: we’re on board!
Saw: from what I can see there are two places from where we can blow up this ship. We need to split up.
Han: me Chewie and Ray can take the south way!
Steela: me saw, lux, and Fox can take the West!
Fox: we meet back here in an hour!
Stormtrooper: rebel scum!
(Stormtrooper shoots [and misses])
Steela: let’s go!
(Everyone splits up)
Saw: so Steela! Where’s the control panel?!
Steela: up ahead!!!
Lux: let me set it up!
(Lux puts bomb set to a remote on control panel)
Lux: got it!
Saw: oh shoot! Han needs help!
Fox: go! We need to get those bombs attached and go!
Saw: I got this!
(Saw runs)
Steela: good luck!
________________________
Meanwhile
(Again)
___________________
Han: dangit! We need backup! This general is really smart!
GAT (hologram): so you say
Han: Thrawn?!
Stir trooper: what do we do?!
GAT (hologram): take them to the bridge!
(Han and the others are taken to the bridge)
GAT: fools! Did you really think you could assassinate me?!
Boom!
Han: no!
(Chewie throws smoke grenade)
Ray Romano: let’s go!
GAT: destroy them!
Storm trooper: sir they’ve set bombs!
(Everyone escapes)
(Grand Admiral Thrawn runs out of the room)
Han: the bombs went off?!
Saw: nah. I threw a grenade. The bombs are goin off soon though! We better run!
Ray Romano: what about the bombs?!
Saw: i’ll set the other half! Go! I'll catch up!!!
Han: alright!
(Everyone leaves)
(Saw contacts steela)
Saw: steela! I'm staying to set up the bombs!
Steela: saw...there’s been a...a-a malfunction with the bombs. We have to set it off manually.
Saw: I will take my risks.
Steela: we have to link them at the same time! Tell the others….goodbye.
Saw: no. They’ll figure it out.
________________________
Meanwhile
(Another time)
___________________
Ray Romano: we’re running out of time!
Lux: we can't leave them!
Fox: we’re gonna have to!
Lux: I'll go down with them!
Han: kid we have to go! Now!!! The bombs are gonna go off!!!
Lux: no! I won't leave them!
(Han and Fox drag lux into a ship)
Lux: NO! Nooooooo!!!! No! NO! No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
(Everyone flies away and ship blows up)
Lux: steela. No…
________________________
In random shuttle
___________________
GAT: hhmmmmmmmm. The enemy has escaped our grasp. We shall not let it happen again.
Stormtrooper: or will we?
GAT: no..we won't.
(GAT shoots stormtrooper through the chest)
________________________
Meanwhile
(Jesus Christ with the
Meanwhiles)
___________________
Han: look a planet!
Lux: we have to land! Thrawn was smart we’re unfamiliar with this area he dropped the ship in.
Ray Romano: let’s land I guess
(Everyone lands the ships)
Ezra: Han!!! Fox!!! Ray!!! Chewie!!! Other guy!!! We need to- the illuminati!!!
Han: what?!
Kanan: we’ll explain on the way.
Ray Romano: explain on the way to what?!
Maul: on the way to the battleground.
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Chapter 6:
THE REVEAL
Ezra: Kanan… We have to attack the illu--
Kanan: no! It is too dangerous!
Han: I agree with Ezra, Kanan.
Kanan: oh, no that case, shut the heck up.
Han: hey! It was kinda like anakin skywalker’s idea back in the battle of Geonosis. Where he just attacked. And he won!
Ezra: either way, I'm going.
Kanan: Ezra! Get the heck back here! You're not going anywhere!
(Ezra flips the bird)
Erza: you're not my master!
Kanan: I kind of am!!!
Han: wait up Ezra!
Kanan: get back Han!
(Kanan takes out lightsaber)
Han: woah! Calm down, man!
Maul: Ezra's idea is the logical choice.
Ezra: com’n Kanan! Trust m--
Kanan: I SAID STOP WITH THE SEASON FINALE REFERENCES!!!
Ray Romano: hey guys! I'm goin’ with Ezra!
(Ezra leaves with them)
Kanan: fine! Die! Don't cry to me!!!
Grand master: kanan.
Kanan: wah’s that?!
Grand master: Kanan! Come with me!
Kanan: an illuminati! St-- stay back!
G.m.: I want to help you.
(Grand master takes off Illuminati costume)
Ted: I am Ted Griffin and I fought with the ‘40 age resistance with Thomas and Philip Malloy.
Kanan: Ted? I've never heard them mention that name.
Ted: it's because they despise me. I cannot be trusted by anyone anymore. I m--
Kanan: wait! I'm not falling for it! You're the grand master!!! Stay back!
(Kanan runs towards Ted)
Ted: halt!
(Ted freezes time)
Ted: now Kanan, I thought you were better than this. Join me! You have constant fights with your so-called “Padawan”, while you could have complete power!
(Ted unfreezes time)
(Kanan falls)
Kanan: ow!
Ted: join me, KanaN!
__________________________
Meanwhile: on
Illuminatitopia
__________________________
Ezra: alright guys. Be quiet.
---
Ezra: really? Since I said that, nobody's gonna sc--
Ray Romano: woah!
Ezra: there it is… WHat?
RAy romano: I don’t know.
Ezra: maul. You come with me. Ray and Han, go to the left side.
Han and Ray Romano: got it.
Maul: it is the logical choice for you to join me on this quest, Ezra. We must stick together. We are the strongest out of everyone.
Ezra: oh, thanks? Well, I think that… Uh…
Maul: Ezra! Watch out!
(Bomb crashes)
Ezra: woah! Wha the heck?!?!
Maul: that was close. They have found us. We must stay together before they kidnap one of us and we turn out like the others…
Ezra: the others?
Maul: we don't have to get into it… Hurry. Take out your weapons.
Ezra: shoot! I left my lightsaber back with kanan!
Maul: next time you do that, it will cost you your life.
Ezra: woah. Deep...
______________________
Back with Han
And Ray Romano
_____________________
Han: so… A kaderath!
Ray: WAH?!
Han: I don't Know. There's no actioN Lately...
Ray: yeah… Except for that illu-- wait. That's a rock.
Han: …
Ray: …
_______________________
Meanwhile with
Kanan and Ted
______________________
Kanan: okay… I'll do it.
Ted: okay, great. Just sign here, here, here, here, Adam here, pleAse.
Kanan: ooooooookay.
Ted: great, now I have permission to control your body whenever I want?
Kanan: wait, wHa?!
(Ted goes into kanan)
Kanan: no!!!!!
Ted-Kanan: AHH HAHAH HAHA!!!
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Chapter 7:
Lost
Vader: Obi-wan… I think we’re lost.
Obi-wan. No. we are simply oNe with the force.
Vader: No. we’re lost.
Obi-wan: yeah.
Vader: where do we go?!
Obi-wan: we need to find Philip and Thomas!
Vader: They’re probably dead by now.!
Obi-wan: or not. We have to check.
Vader: We were supposed to search geonosis!
Obi-wan: It’s not my fault you wanted to stop for milkshakes! You can’t even drink them!!!
Vader: Okay. but if you had just asked the guy for directions we wouldn’t be stuck here!!!
Obi-wan: The guy Had four arms and two noses! Why would we trust him!?
Vader: well we could’ve gotten a map from the gas station!
Obi-wan: well we should’ve just set the correct coordinates in the first place!!!
Vader: I did!
(the ship enters the geonosian atmosphere)
Obi-wan: oh…
(the ship lands)
Vader: we’re here!!!
Obi-wan: look! Bodies!
Vader: No they’re dead!
(Vader and obi-wan kneel over pile of rocks)
Illuminati scout: yes! I killed them!’
Vader: Then I will avenge his death!
Illuminati scout: Revenge is not the jedi way.
Vader: I’m no jedi...no really. I’m a sith.
(Vader kills illuminati scout)
Obi-wan: Nice.
Vader: Thanks. I guess you could say he was sith outta luck!
Random voice: YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Obi-wan: no.
Vader: Look a hotdog stand!!!
Obi-wan: No! You can’t even eat!
Vader: oh yeah...shoot. Let’s go avenge the deaths of our friends. By murdering the illuminati leader!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter 8:
MR. D RETURNS?
THOMAS: PHILIP! LET’S GO TO THE SHIP! THE ILLUMINATI HAVE US IN THEIR GRIP!
PHILIP: LET’S RUN INTO THAT GARAGE WITH THAT RANDOM GUY THAT HAS A CHAINSAW AND A MURDERER MASK INSTEAD!
THomas: okay, idiot! No!
Philip: yes!
Thomas: you make a convincing argument… okay, i’ll go.
(philip high-fives thomas in mid air)
(freeze frame)
Illuminati: did you just freeze time?!
Mr. d: no, i did.
Illuminati: whahahahhaha?!?!??!?!
Mr. d: thomas and philip! Unfreeze!
Thomas: mr. d?! I feel like nobody ever permanently dies in this book series!!!
(mr. d permanently dies… or does he?!)
(mr. d returns)
Thomas: saw that comin’...
Philip: ahhHHHHHH!!!!!!
(philip takes out machine gun and shoots the illuminati in the eye)
Illuminati: ow, my eye.
[his eye, his eye, his eye!]
Philip: weird. Anyway, who are you? Mr. d is it?
Thomas: yes. Mr. d is alive. He fought with me during WORLD WAR III.
MR. D: OR DID I?
THOMAS: YEAH, YA DID.
MR. D: I’M A KADERATH!
(MR.D TURNS INTO KADERATH)
KADERATH: DIE!
Philip: dangitit! I forgot my space sword in the ship!
Thomas: get the sword, son! I’ll stay here…
kaderatH: hahahahha.
(kaderath gets into fight with thomas)
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter 9:
The illuminati base
Ezra: okay, maul we need to find the illuminati!
Maul: I sense our friends are in danger! I will handle this you take the holocron place it in the obelisk-
Ezra: What obelisk?
Maul: i have no idea.
Ezra: Look it’s a ship!!! It’s kanan!
Maul: I sense a great darkness in him! He is possesed! Go now!
Ezra: I won’t leave kanan!
Maul: Go! Contact Han and Ray!
Ezra: No!
(Kanan lands)
Ezra; kanan!
Ted-kanan: Stand aside child!
(Ted-kanan throws ezra into a wall)
Ezra: Kansan! What’s wrong with you?’
Ted-Kansan: who’s Kanan? I am Ted Griffen!!!
Ezra: maul! What do we do?!
Maul: we have to destroy him!
Ezra: no!!!
Ted-Kanan: well you could use the-
Maul: WE MUST DESTROY HIM!!!
Ezra: well… If we must.
Maul: WE MUST!!!
Ezra: ok… We’ll do it together!
Maul: no! I will handle this! You find the illuminati
Ezra: but maul!
Maul: Ezra! Go!
(Ezra leaves)
Maul: hecko...Ted.
Ted-Kanan: you know there's a way to stop me right?
Maul: you will die!
Ted-Kanan: you can get me to un-possess Ka-
(Maul attacks Kanan and Ted)
Ted: NO!!!
(Maul chops off Ted-kanan’s head)
Maul: it was only a matter of time…
________________________
Meanwhile
___________________
Ezra: Han! Ray! Maul is battling Kanan!
(Hologram of Ray Romano shows up)
Ray Romano:what? Wasn't he like...good?
Ezra: he was possessed! Maul says we have to kill him! But… Kanan probably found a way to break free.
Ray Romano: yeah… Maybe.
Han: Ray! Take out the triangle guys!!! Oh hey Ezra! We found the illuminati!
Ezra: where?!
Ray Romano: on the west sector!
Ezra: I'll be right there!!!
(Ezra runs to the west sector)
Ezra: guys!!! Guys?! Where are they?!
Illuminati soldier: hecko Ezra Bridger!
Ezra: what?!
ILluminati soldier: we have your friends. If you want them back you’ll come with me without resistance.
Ezra: no!
Illuminati soldier: I can kill the. With the push of a button!
(Illuminati soldier takes out a button)
Ezra: okay! Okay! Fine!!!
Illuminati soldier: gooooodddd.
(Illumianti soldier gets cleaved in half)
Vader: Ezra Bridger? Oh yeah! I almost killed you!!!
Ezra: yeah.
Obi-wan: Ezra! Vader! What’s happening?!
Ezra: the illuminati have Ray and Han!
Obi-wan: oh yeah! I know Han! Where are they keeping him?!
Ezra: I have no idea.
Vader: where is your master young one?
Ezra: he’s possessed and fighting Maul!
Vader: hmmmm. We should help Maul.
Ezra: no! He can handle it! He has skill!
Obi-wan: yes he has skill. In the dark side and betrayal!
Ezra: he would never betray us!!!
Vader: I don't know about that.
Ezra: well he would never betray me!
Obi-wan: it’s the illuminati temple!
(Obi-wan, Vader, and Ezra enter the temple)
Ezra: this place feel weird…
Vader: well it is an illuminati fortress.
Ezra: I guess.
Obi-wan: did you hear that?!
Ezra: what?!
Vader: I sense it too! In the next room!
(Obi-wan tries to open the door)
Obi-wan: dangit it it’s locked!
Ezra: the air vents?
Vader: my cyborg body won't fit.
Ezra: we’ll unlock the door when we get inside.
Vader: okay.
(Obi-wan and Ezra enter the air vents)
Obi-wan: Ezra, listen to me. He’s using you.
Ezra: who?
Obi-wan: Maul.
Ezra: oh. Uh. are you ever gonna trust me to-
Obi-wan: no…wait! The illuminati! *cough* know we’re here! *cough* poisonous gas!!!
Ezra: let’s *cough* go!
(Ezra and obi-wan cut through the vents)
Ezra: holy no!
(Entire room filled with illuminati)
Obi-wan: unlock the door.
Ezra: what the heck?!
(Ray and Han are at the altar at the front of the room)
Illuminati priest: we will now sacrifice these two in the name of the illuminati God!
(Ezra unlocks the door)
Vader: what’s going on?
Obi-wan: I don't know. They're going to sacrifice these two. I'm just surprised they haven't noticed us yet.
(All illuminati turn around and notice them)
Obi-wan: shoot.
Ezra: DIE!!!
Ray Romano: we could use some help here!
Vader: on it!
(Vader force chokes illuminati priest to death)
Ezra: nice.
Vader: thanks. What about these guys.
(Illuminati crowd stares at the crew)
Ezra: let's just go and uh. Free the guys…
Illuminati crowd: no!
Obi-wan: ok…
Illuminati crowd: this place will be your tomb! You will be sent to heck along with your friends.
Vader: suck on this!
(Vader force chokes one person to death)
Vader: oh shoot.
Illuminati crowd: PREPARE TO DIE!!!
(Han shoots illuminati in back)
Han: come on you guys! Let’s book!
(Illuminati crowd blocks the door)
Vader: nice idea Han.
Han: shoot.
______________________________________________
Chapter 10:
THE STORY
_______________________
MEANWHILE ON
GEONOSIS
_______________________
THOMAS: GET THE heck OFF OF ME YOU PURPLE FREAK!!!
Kaderath: i’m gonna bit--
(kaderath is abducted)
Kaderath: allos tyo reese! Allos tyo reese! Allo--
Thomas: wha’s happening?!
Kaderath: allos tyo reese! Allos tyo reese!
Thomas: WAIT, I’M SAFE. PEACE!
(THOMAS LEAVES)
THOMAS: OH, HEY PHIL. YEAH, UH.. WHA THE heck TOOK YOU SO LONG!
Philip: I don't know.
Thomas: okay.
__________________________
in the ship:
10:56 PM
__________________________
Thomas: woah! Phil! Look! In your journal!!!
Philip: WAH?
Thomas: it says “ALLOS TYO REESE”!
Philip: no!
(Thomas is abducted by illuminati)
Philip: dad!
(Philip shoots illuminati in eye with pistol)
Thomas: ow! WAH happened?!
Philip: don't say that! It's gonna kill you!!!
Thomas: wa--
Philip: I studied this when I was 16, right after I dropped out of school. He was an ancient illuminati grand master. He betrayed the illuminati and then went to war with them. Unfortunately, the Kaderaths and thousands of cyborgs teamed up,with the illuminati. Somehow, they were defeated by-- “HIM”. Single handedly!
Thomas: WAH? How did h--
Philip: it is still unknown how he did it. Although, my theory is that he used some ancient spell or something and wiped all of them out.
Thomas: when was this?!
PHIlip: about 2,000 years ago. A lot of my former scientist-theorists think that it was in another unknown time period called NHE, OR Non human era.
Thomas: huh? I'm confused. Where was that illuminati taking me?! And why?!?!!!
Philip: once the illuminati hear-- you know what-- they think that you are part of his clan Called the ATR CLAN which was another group of people after the ATR WARS THAT believed that he is still out there. They made it their own religion called “Alltism”.
Illuminati scout: I've heard all I've need to hear…
(Illuminati scout leaves)
_____________________
At the Illuminati
Pyramid HQ
_____________________
ILLuminati scout: grand master! Grand master! They know about Reese!
G.m.: Who?! Who does?!
Illuminati scout: The malloys. They were talking about the war.
G.m.: hurry! Bring some more scouts with you and capture the malloys. Bring them to me unharmed and be promoted to general.
Illuminati scout: really?! Yes!
G.m.: don't get so cocky kid. Hurry! I need the in…. 30 minutes.
Illuminati scout: yes grand master.
Jeff (illuminati): scout! WAH happened?!
Illuminati scout: I need to capture the malloys. And I'll need some help.
Jeff: me?!
Illuminati scout: yes. WAH do you say?
Jeff: let's do it.
Chapter 11:
THE OTHER GRAND MASTER?
Illuminati scout: you go left, and I'll go right.
Jeff: got it.
Illuminati scout: the ma--
Philip: ahhh!!!
(Philip shoots both scouts with a machine gun)
Thomas: nice.
Illuminati grand master: Thomas and Philip malloy! Come with me or die!
Thomas: wha? You're still alive?!
(Grand master takes off suit)
Philip: Allison?!
Allison: that's right Philip. I'm back!
Philip: WAH?!
Thomas: Allison? How could you?!
Allison: I've been planning this for over 25 years, and now I finally have you to kill!!! HAhahahah!!!!!!
PALLENI: I don't think so.
(PALLENI shoots Allison in back)
(Allison regenerates back part that got shot)
Philip: she's a kaderath!!!
Allison: in fact, Philip. I'm not. I have the many traits of one, but I am the same species as you..
Philip: WAH?
Allison: i used many chemicals, drugs, and ancient potions on my body to make me nearly invincible! nobody can destroy me!
Thomas: nobody's gonna ask about how palleni's her--
Philip: Allison?! How-- how could you?!
Allison: i became the leader of the illuminati about 10 years and Have seeked my revenge since!
Thomas: I thought that Ted was the grand master!
Allison: sort of… We switch on and off every other day.
Thomas: okay.
PALLENI: hecko?
Everyone: hi.
Thomas: Philip!
(Allison charges at Philip)
Allison: die Philip Malloy!
Philip: Allos Tyo Reese!!!!
(Philip is abducted)
Allison: wah?!
Thomas: that's right, Allison. We've planned it the entire time.
(Thomas throws nuke At Allison)
Allison: no!!!
Thomas: Philip!!!
Philip: dad!!!
Thomas: how are you st--
Philip: i can say it.
Thomas: where does that thing take you?!
Philip: I've been there before. It is sort of like a brutal concentration camp for illuminati rejects.
Thomas: WAH?! How did you live?!
Philip: many years ago, I injected myself with chemicals that make me safe from spirits.
Thomas: okay?
Philip: we must leave! Get to the ship. We're going to Jupiter.
__________________________________________
Chapter 12:
JUPITER
Thomas: Jupiter? Why?
Philip: you'll see.
Thomas: alright… Setting coordinates to Jupiter!
Philip: put it on light speed!
Thomas: I need you to tell me why we're going to Jupiter, Phil!
Philip: okay… Since Jupiter is one of the main core planets in the Milky Way Galaxy, nobody would come here.
Thomas: huh?
Philip: these days, people never go near the Milky Way Galaxy since they don't suspect anyone to come.
Thomas: but what's over there that's so important?
Philip: safety and supplies.
Thomas: approaching the Milky Way! Buckle up! We're goin’ in all the way!
Philip: be careful!!!
BOOM!
(Ship lands very badly on Jupiter)
Philip: ow!
Thomas: no duh captain obvious…
Philip: it's still here!
Thomas: wah’s still H-- WAH?!?!?!!!
Philip: my ships! My chamber! My food and amo! Wow, I guess nobody really goes here after all!
Thomas: when did you do this Phil?!
Philip: I traveled here 3 years ago and knew I would need it one day.
Thomas: woah, that's amazing.
Philip: hold on, I gotta go into the safety chamber and get some stuff.
Thomas: okay, I'll wait here.
---
Voice: Thomas!
(Thomas slowly takes out guns and turns around)
Thomas: who's that?!
Voice: it's Abby!
Thomas: no. WAH?
Abby: it's Abby!
Thomas: Abby?! WAH?! That's no-- no. WAH?! It ca--
Abby: just look!
(Abby comes out of shadows)
Thomas: Abby! Abby! My beautiful wife Abby! How I missed y--
(Abby turns into kaderath and slices thomas’ with knife)
Philip: okay, dad. I'm back. I got some bull--
(Philip looks up)
Philip: another fricken kadertH?!?!
Kaderath: hsssss!!!!
(Kaderath geo-leaps off Jupiter)
Philip: Dad! Dad!
(Blood continues to pour out of thomas’ neck)
Philip: oh shoot! I gotta get the first aid!
(Philip runs into greenhouse)
Philip: first aid! First aid! First aid! Where's the frickin’ first aid kit?!?!!!
Thomas: Phil.
(Philip looks up)
Philip: yes!!!
(Philip runs out of greenhouse and back to Thomas)
Thomas: Philip. Philip.
Philip: hold on dad!
(Philip begins bandaging thomas’ neck)
Thomas: Phil. St-- *cough*
Philip: dad! I'll save y--
Thomas: it's okay. I've had my time… Phil.
Philip: yes?
Thomas: win.
(Thomas Malloy dies)
Philip: no!!! This is my fault!! If I haven't brought him here, the kaderath wouldn't of attac--
(Ship lands)
Maul: Philip!
Philip: maul! Help! We need to bring my dad to a hospital! Stat!!! Bring him into the ship!
Maul: okay!
Philip: how did you know I was here?
Maul: uhh… Well I keep a tracking device on everybody's ship to make sure thAt something like this doesn't happen. And if it does, I'll come.
Philip: hm… Smart idea, maul.
Maul: well it was the logical choice.
Philip: yeah, I guess you can say that.
Maul: bring him into the cockpit Philip!
(Philip brings Thomas to the front of the ship)
Maul: I'll get ice. You keep pressure on his neck.
Philip: maul, wait…
Maul: yes?
Philip: he's… Dying…
Maul: WAH?! I'll get the First aid!
Philip: dad?
Maul: okay, bring Thomas to me.
(Philip goes to back of ship with thomas)
Philip: okay, now wha do I d--
(Maul’s lightsaber ignites)
Maul: you made it a little too easy Philip.
(Maul punches Philip and knocks him out)
(Philip falls)
Maul: Hahahaha!!!!!! You fool! I am in power Now!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
(Maul flies ship out of Jupiter and goes to earth)
Maul: this is the perfect area. Earth is now 100% deserted.
(Maul ties up Philip to pole)
Philip: ow! My head! *cough* you can't do this, maul!
Maul: why not? I now have power. There is nobody who can save yo-- nobody who knows where you and Thomas are!
Philip: what about the ship tracking devices?
Maul: they're fake. And you're gullible enough to believe it. Hahaha!!!
Philip: I can't believe you're bad.
Maul: I can't believe you believed me…
Philip: I'm hungry…
Maul: shut up!
(Philip picks up pocket knife that fell out of his pocket)
(Philip starts sawing ropes)
Maul: huh?! I'll take that! Thank you very much.
Philip: dangit! Com’n!
Maul:
Chapter 13:
The risen
Ezra: we have to go!!!
Han: there's too many!!!
Ray Romano: wait. Isn't the door unlocked?
Vader: yeah.
(obi-wan throws a smoke bomb)
Vader: let’s move!
(everyone starts to run)
(the doors automatically shut)
Ezra: AHHHHHHH!!!
(illuminati try to grab them)
Voice: do not hurt them my children.
Vader: wha?!
Voice: I have other plans for them!
Ezra: it can’t be! No! I-i saw you die!!!
Socko: I will never die when the illuminati is with me!!!
Obi-wan: he’s possessed!
Han: shoot!
Ezra: we have to run!
Socko: no! I shall eat you all!
Vader: what?! That’s some messed up stuff man! How is this given a children’s book award?!
Socko: no. You will be my servant!
Vader: no! What's happening?!?!
(Vader is possessed by socko)
Vader: you will die!
Ezra: dangit it!
Socko: BRING THEM TO ME!!!
Han: run!
Obi-wan: socko. You are not our enemy!
Ezra: I opened the door! Let's go!!!
Obi-wan: we can't leave Anakin!
Ray Romano: we have to!
(everyone runs)
Ezra: AHHHHHHHH!!! THEY'RE PULLING ME BACK!
Han: Ezra! Grab my hand!.
Ezra: I can't reach!!!
(Ezra gets pulled into the room)
Obi-wan: he is lost.
Han: to the ship!
(everyone runs to the ship)
Han: where's the god dangit ship!
Obi-wan: Maul must have taken it.
Ray Romano: what...why?
Obi-wan: there are two possibilites. EITHER HE'S BETRAYING US OR HE HAS A PLAN.
Han: yeah. A plan to betray us.
Ray Romano: so we’re stuck here?!
Obi-wan: essentially yes.
Ray Romano: ok.
________________________
Meanwhile
___________________
Ezra: what the heck?!
Socko: yes. Now I will feast on your flesh.
Ezra: what?! No! No that's not what I wanted!!!
Socko: yes. You must die!!!
Ezra: socko! This isn't you! What's wrong with you?!
Socko: who the heck is socko?!
Ezra: what?! D-don't you remember?! That's your name.
Socko: my name is illume!!!
Ezra: no it's socko!!!
Illuminati crowd: eat the boy!!! Eat the boy!!!
Ezra: no!
Socko: you dare defy me?!
Ezra: yes!
(Ezra throws dust in socko’s eyes)
Socko: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Ezra escapes through vents)
Ezra: good. No more poison.
(Ezra crawls toward darkness)
Ezra: shoot! The poison is back! There must be sensors in here?!
(Ezra jumps through hole in vent)
Ezra: where am I?!
Voice: I know where you are. You're with me.
(Ezra points lightsabers at random figure)
Voice: please put your weapon away I-I mean you no harm.
Ezra: who are you?
Voice: a friend...a long awaited friend.
Ezra: what?
Voice: your friend called for me weeks ago. It took me long to reach here but I have arrived.
Ezra: ok.
Voice: we must get to the illuminati base!
Ezra: and where is that?
Voice: not here. This is the main temple.
Ezra: what planet is it on?!
Voice: malastare. Their base must be there!
Ezra: we have to go there then.
Voice: I can't take you there...without a ship that is.
Ezra: how do we get a ship?
Voice: well I have one it’s just in a different place covered by a rock door.
Ezra: let's go. You can just-
Voice: yes but I need help to open the door.
Ezra: what's inside?
Voice: my ship.
Ezra: and you'll share this ship with me?
Voice: of course.
Ezra: let’s go then.
________________________
Later
___________________
Voice: we’re coming to the ship. Get down!!!
(400 illuminati scouts appear)
Ezra: shoot!
Voice: I cannot stop them now!!!
Ezra: we have to do something!!! We have to get back to my friends!
(Possessed socko appears)
Socko: fools! Did you really think you could escape?!
Ezra: yes. Yes we did.
Socko: well you were wrong!!!
Ezra: yes. I see that.
Voice: socko! Be gone!!!
Socko: no!!! Nev-
(Socko is unpossessed)
Voice: good! We have to go!!!
Socko: what happened?! Where am I?! Where are the rebels?! Ezra?! What happened?
Ezra: you were possessed by the illuminati God.
Socko: oh! Do we have to destroy the illuminati now?
Voice: yes! Get to the ship! We have to get to malastare and destroy the illuminati base!!!
Socko: that's all I need to know.
(Everyone runs toward the ship)
(Rocks fall)
Ezra: guys?! Where are you?!
Voice: Get into the ship.
Ezra: where?! Wha?!
Socko: Ezra?!
Voice: we have to go!!!
Ezra: NOOoooo!!!! YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME!!!
(Mysterious figure and socko leave)
Ezra: dangit….you.
________________________
Meanwhile
___________________
(Maul’s ship enters the planet)
Han: the ship!!!
(Vader runs outside)
Obi-wan: Vader!
Ray Romano: he's still possessed!!!
Vader: no! No I'm not! The hold on me was released!
Han: well in that case…THE SHIP!!!
(The ship lands)
Obi-wan: maul!
(Maul exits the ship)
Han: maul!!! Why’d you steal the ship?!
Maul: I needed to accomplish something important.
Vader: what?
Maul: my rise to power!!!
(Maul throws his lightsabers and cuts off Vader’s arm)
Vader: AHHHHHHH!!!
Obi-wan: ANAKIN!!!!
(Maul picks up his lightsaber)
Maul: prepare to die!
(Maul duels Obi-wan)
Maul: I've been waiting to kill you for a long time!
Ray Romano: oh shoot. Uh, Vader...are you uh….okay?
Vader: of course yeah I'm fine.
Ray Romano: really?
Vader: NO!!!! My freakin’ arm just got chopped off!!!
Han: dangit it!
Obi-wan: why come back?!
Maul: to finish what I started!
Obi-wan: what does that?!-
(Maul slashes obi-wan’s face)
Obi-wan: AHH!!!
Maul: you have fallen!
Vader: ugh! You will die!
Maul: ha!
(Han tries to shoot Maul)
Maul: you have no chance!
(Maul deflects blaster shot)
Maul: I will return to finish you!
Ray Romano: ok…
________________________
Meanwhile
___________________
Ezra: so c-c-cold… Losing...air.
Maul: Ezra!!!
Ezra: Maul! Is that you?!
Maul: yes! We have to escape!!!
Ezra: what about the others?!
Maul: they've turned on us! They have betrayed us!
Ezra: but...why?
Maul: they must have had their reasons.
Ezra: no!!! They wouldn't do this!
Maul: unfortunately they did. We have little time to escape.
Ezra: how did you know I was here?!
Maul: I know where my friends are...always
Ezra: socko’s back on our side!
Maul: good...that is good.
Ezra: yeah. So can we escape now.
Maul: yes. We shall. And then There is a place I must show to you. A place that your old master would fear.
Ezra: but fear is the path to the dark side.
Maul: and that is why he would fear it. Come child. We have much to do if we wish to survive.
Chapter 14:
Allos Tyo Reese: part 2
Socko: ok. So who are you really?
Voice: I cannot reveal that until we reach malastare.
Socko: whatever you say.
Voice: we’re almost there. Then we can finally end the illuminati!
Socko: yes.
(The ship lands on Malastare)
Socko: so who are you?
Voice: all in due time my friend.
Socko: look! The base!
(100,000 illuminati soldiers appear)
Voice: socko! Stay back!
Soldiers: no! This cannot be!!!
Voice: yes I am ALLOS TYO REESE!!!
(Soldiers run in terror)
Socko: who?’
ALLOS Tyo Reese: long ago I fought with the illuminati. Then they betrayed me and fought with the kaderaths to destroy me. Luckily I discovered this...the space sword to defeat them. The illuminati has feared my return since then.
Socko: they’re afraid you’ll slaughter the last of them?
ALLOS Tyo Reese: yes.
Socko: and will you?
ALLOS Tyo Reese: yes.
Socko: then do it!
ALLOS Tyo Reese: I shall. ALLOS TYO REESE!!!!
(The ground shatters)
Socko: what the heck?’
ALLOS Tyo Reese: it is beginning!!!
Socko: what?!
ALLOS Tyo Reese: the planet is dying!!! We have to leave!
Socko: ok!
(ALLOS Tyo Reese and socko board the ship)
Socko: where are we going?!
ALLOS Tyo Reese: to rescue your friends!!!
Socko: go Now!!! Punch it!!!
(ALLOS Tyo Reese and socko fly off)
_____________________
Meanwhile
________________
Han: dangit it! I knew we couldn't trust that Maul!!!
Ray Romano: that's what I always say! Don't trust anyone! That's how I survived the Kaderaths.
Han: that's great. Hey how's Vader doing?
Obi-wan: he's fine. Oh and the burns from the slash are healing nicely thanks for asking.
Han: hey don't be a!- look! Another ship!!!
Ray Romano: oh...we can't trust ships now!
Obi-wan: look! Behind us!
Maul: I told you I would be back!!!
Vader: go...without me….
Han: no! We got this guy! Ezra come on! Cut him down!
Maul: I'm afraid he won't listen to you anymore.
Ray Romano: that ship is landing!!!
Obi-wan: Ezra! Kill him!!!
Ezra: NO!!! Not after you betrayed us!!!
Obi-wan: what?!
Ezra: what happened to your face?!
Obi-Wan: maul slashed it! He's deceiving you!!!
Ezra: LIAR!!!
Han: believe him! He tried to kill us all!
Ezra: you're all liars!!!!
Ray Romano: I didn't even get a chance to say anything.
Ezra: shut up Ray!
Ray Romano: okay.
Maul: Ezra knows the truth you fools! He will not be a pawn in your game any longer!
Obi-wan: we won't leave you here Ezra! Not with him!!!
(The ship lands)
Ezra: then you will die!
(Ezra ignites lightsaber)
Han: no!
(Han attempts to shoot maul)
Ray Romano: that ship!!! Three shiiiippppp!!!
(Maul stops the blaster bolt with the force)
Maul: my apprentice shall destroy you.
(Ezra runs up to obi-wan)
Obi-wan: Ezra! Don't do this!
Ezra: I have to!!!
(Ezra slashes at Obi-wan)
Obi-wan: I can see Maul has already twisted your mind so much you cannot remember your allies!
Ezra: you were never my Ally!!!
(ALLOS Tyo Reese and socko exit the ship)
Socko: they're fighting someone!!!
ALLOS Tyo Reese: the illuminati grand temple!!!
Ezra: DIE OBI-WAN!!!
Obi-wan: I don't want to kill you!
Ezra: you don't have to!
Han: Ray! Start up the ship!
Ray Romano: which one?!
Han: maul’s!!!
Ray Romano: alright!
ALLOS Tyo Reese: ALLOS TYO REESE!!!!!!!
(The planets ground shakes)
Ezra: maul! The planet’s collapsing!
Maul: come with me!!!
(Maul force pushes Ray Romano out of the way)
(Maul starts his own ship)
Socko: ALLOS Tyo Reese come onto the ship!!!
ALLOS Tyo Reese: no! I realize now I was born thousands of years ago for this one moment! My work is done!
Obi-wan: get to socko’s ship!!!
Han: got it! I'll get vader’s legs!
Ray Romano: let's go! The planet’s exploding here!!!
Han: got him!
(Everyone boards Socko’s ship)
Socko: goodbye ALLOS Tyo Reese.
ALLOS Tyo Reese: farewell...socko.
(The planet explodes)
(Maul and Ezra fly off the planet)
Maul: we must seek out these enemies of ours.
Ezra: we will destroy them.
Maul: yes...yes.
Maul: this reminds me...I have something for you.
(Maul gives Ezra a sigh holocron)
Maul: use it as you will. Until we get to my destination. It will be a good start for you.
Ezra: yes...my master.
(Darth vader’s theme plays)
THE END
To be continued in
Nothing But Lies VIi:
RiSe of Maul
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
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