NOTHING BUT LIES III: DIMENSIONS COLLIDE
THE THIRD BOOK IN THE SERIES
By JOSEPH D’ANDREA
and STEPHEN RINI
Some Credits To John Sprague
Dedicated to Neil Gaiman, the author of THE GRAVEYARD BOOK and James Thurber, the author of “The Night The Bed Fell”
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INTRODUCTION:
Many heroes from all different dimensions including DC Comics™, Marvel™, Star Wars™, and more have all come together to once and for all, wipe out evil from every universe. Also, characters from stories and novels such as The graveyard book, and, “The night the bed fell”. Nobody Owens is now the owner of this the infinity gauntlet. But will he use the power in a responsible way?
…
CHAPTER 1:
Introductions
Bod: I did it! The universe is saved!
Batman: don't get so cocky kid. You're not that good.
Bod: what do you mean!!! I saved the worl-- UNIVERSE!
Batman: what's your name?
Bod: nobody Owens. but You can call me Bod.
Batman: I'm batman.
Bod: oooooookay?
Batman: bod is a weird name.
Bod: {whispers to himself} Look who's talking, ‘bat.’
Batman: what!
(Batman throws batarang at bod)
Dick Grayson: hey! Hey! Batman?!
Batman: what do you want robin?
Robin: wellll… You PROMISED YOU WOULD BRING M--
BOOM!!!
Superman: what was that? Justice l--
Batman: shut up, man.
Superman: justice league! Assemb--
Batman: STOP!
Voice: you… Thought… *cough* it was *cough* over? Well you *cough* forgot about *cough* me.
Superman: who are you?
Ironman: that's thanos!
(Bod throws nuke at thanos)
Bod: Kobe!
(Thanos dies)
Batman: nice throw, kid.
Bod: thanks.
Obi wan Kenobi: hey, uh… Who are you people?!
(Everyone shouts their names)
Obi wan: that helped.
Bod: what does this do?
(Bod uses the mind gem in the infinity gauntlet.)
Batman: NOOOOOO!!!
Batman: ok what does that do again?
Captain America: it warps our minds in strange ways!
Batman: oh ok… NOOOOOOO!!!
bod: hey bob! you work for me now! attack!
(bob runs at superman)
bob: ahhhh!
(superman disintegrates bob with his laser vision)
Bod: HAHAHA Run puny humans!!!
Superman: The gem has warped Bod’s mind!!!
(A spaceship appears)
mike dlugozima: Hello people of Earth!
Silas: I told you these people were in danger!
Mike: Yes!!!
Silas: No, Just no.
Superman: Who are you?
Silas: We are the commanders of the legion of intergalactic travelers.
Mike: Yes this is Silas and I am Mike Dlugozima.
Batman: Can we just call you Mike?
Mike: No! You must always call me by my professional name. Or Mr. D for short.
Batman: Ok but who’s--
Silas: I am here for a young child named bod.
Batman: Oh he just left…. Yeah said something about destroying the entire universe and ripping the fabric of time and space.
Silas: We’re too late!
Mr D: We have to get to bod!
Silas: He is so far!!!
Batman: I’M BATMAN!!!
Robin: Let’s Go!
(Giant laser shoots at Robin)
Robin: HOLY SCRAMBLED EGGS AND BACON BATMAN!
(Robin disintegrates)
Superman: FLY! Oh that’s right. you guys can't! HA HA HA!
Silas: …
(Silas clicks a button)
SIlas: I can fly.
(The spaceship flies up to Silas)
Popo: wow! NEATO!
MR D: Good job silas!
Silas: THIS SPOON IS INADEQUATE!!!
(Silas snaps a spoon over his knee)
Silas: GET TO THE SHIP!!!
Popo: RAULLGGHH!!! Get to the chopper!!!
(Everyone gets into the ship except for popo who is pushed out by silas)
silas: SORRYYYYYYY!!! Not.
Popo: NOOOOOOOO!!!
batman: Fly to Bod!
Silas: yes. I have placed a tracking device on the boy.
Batman: oh. Personal violation… cool.
Mr. D: so where is he?
Silas: I have no idea.
Obi Wan: but you said we had a tracking device.
Silas: he is in an interdenominational plane.
Batman: what?
Silas: he’s in between the fabric of two worlds.
Mr. D: we’ll be unable to catch him.
Silas: we will catch Bod. He needs to come home to his own dimension.
Batman: but how do we get into an Interdimensional plane.
Silas: we have...ways.
CHAPTER 2:
Cat and mouse
Silas: hit the “don’t hit this button-button”.
batman: why would i do that exactly?
silas: cause.
batman: i’m batman.
silas: yeah… we know.
batman: i’m ba--
silas: press the daNG button!!!
batman: i’m.
silas: no.
batman; i’m bat--
silas: NO!
BATMAN: I’M BATMAN.
(SILAS GIVES BATMAN A MEAN LOOK)
BATMAN: HA. HA.
ROBIN: LO LO LO BATMAN! HERE THEY ARE!
BATMAN: WHO?
ROBIN: THEM.
BATMAN: WAH?
ROBIN: THEM.
(EVERYONE CLOSES IN ON BATMAN. ALSO, SUDDENLY THE ENTIRE SPACESHIP GETS DARKER)
EVERYONE (BESIDES BATMAN): JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD BATMAN. JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD BATMAN. JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD.
BATMAN: WAH? WAH DA HECk!
(BATMAN PUNCHES ROBIN)
(ROBIN SPITS ON THE FLOOR)
ROBIN (DEEP VOICE): YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT BATMAN!!!
EVERYONE (BESIDES BATMAN): JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD. JOIN IT!
BATMAN: THIS IS FAKE! WHO ARE YOU!
SILAS: WE ARE THE INTERDIMENSIONAL DEMONS OF KADERATH. YOU ARE MEANT TO JOIN US, BRUCE.
BATMAN: WAHHHHH??? I’M NOT BRUCE.
SILAS: JOIN THE--
BATMAN: I’M.
SILAS: JOIN T--
BATMAN: I’M!
SILAS: BROTh--
BATMAN: I’M BATMAN.
(SPACESHIP EXPLODES AND BATMAN ESCAPES IN HIS BAT-LAMBO)
POPO: PRETZELS. PRETZELS. PR… PRE… PRETZELS? PRETZELS?!?!
BATMAN: POPO? WAH YA DOIN’?
POPO: PRETZELS!!!
BATMAN: WEIRDO…
(BATMAN PUNCHES POPO)
(POPO FALLS ON THE FLOOR)
POPO: OW! WAIT… NO PRETZELS! NO PRETZE--
CRASH!
(POPO IS HIT BY FLYING SPACESHIP DEBRIS)
POPO: PRETZELS! PRETZELS? PRETZELS?! PRETZELS PRETZELS!!!!
BOD: HELLO PO--
POPO: PRETZELS!!!
BOD: HUH? WHAT PRETZELS?
POPO: PRETZELS!!!!!!!
BOD: OKAY…
BATMAN: NOT SO FAST-- WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
BOD: BOD.
BATMAN: I’M BATMAN, SO…. I’M BATMAN. HA. HA…
POPO: PRETZ--
BATMAN: SHOULD WE JUST KILL POPO?
(BOD NODS his head)
popo: pretzels!!!!!!
BOD: YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN DEFEAT ME? YOU… BAT!
BATMAN: I’M BATMAN.
BOD: YES. I KNOW.
BATMAN: I’M BATMAN.
BOOM!!!
SILAS: BOD!
BOD: SILAS?! SILAS!
BATMAN: NO! SILAS IS EVIL!
BOD: NO.
(BOD HUGS SILAS)
(HEARTWARMING SONG PLAYS)
BATMAN: WHERE’S THAT SONG COMING FROM?!
SILAS: HA.
(BOD EXPLODES)
SILAS: HE--
BATMAN: YOU’RE EVIL!
SILAS: WAH?!
BATMAN: YOU WANTED ME TO “JOIN THE BROTHERHOOD” OR WHATEVER.
SILAS: OH NO.
BATMAN: WAH?
SILAS: THE KADERATHS! THEY’RE HERE!
BATMAN: WHO ARE THEY?
SIALS: THE KADERATHS.
BATMAN: THEY MAY BE THE KABERITHS.--
SILAS: KADERATHS.
BATMAN: THEY MAY BE THE KADERATHS. BUT… I’M BATMAN.
SILAS: this is serious-- what’s your name?
batman: seriously?
silas: well…
batman: i’m batman.
silas: there is no way to defeat them!
voice: i know how. but you’ll have to do something for me.
silas: who are you?
voice: corwin.
______________________________________________
CHAPTER 3:
M.A.M.S.
CORWIN: The kaderaths are an indestructible force… That almost nobody knows how to defeat. But I have devised a way. You have to mix t--
BOOM!
Silas: the Kaderaths! They’re here!
Batman: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I’m Batman.
Silas: Wha do we do?!
Corwin: As I was saying we need to--
BOOM!
Silas: What!!! What do we need to do!?
bATMAN: i’M bATMAN!!!
(oBIWAN RUNS IN)
oBI WAN: wHAT THE HELL? JUST--
(bATMAN THROWS A BATARANG AT oBI-WAN)
bATMAN: i’M bATMAN!!!
sILAS: fOCUS!!!
oBI-WAN: i’M HERE TO HELP YOU!
cORWIN: oKAY BUT--
BOOM!
bATMAN: i’M bATMAN!!!
sILAS: gET DOWN! tHE KADERATHS KNOW WHERE WE ARE!!!
cORWIN: gOOD, wE NEED TO LURE THEM INTO--
BOOM!
bATMAN: i’M bATMAN!!!
WOMAN: CORWIN! HELP!
CORWIN: FRIEDMAN! THEY HAVE FRIEDMAN! I’LL GET TO MY LAB!
bATMAN: i’M bATMAN!!!
sILAS: wHO IS THAT!?
oBI-wAN: tHE kADERATHS ARE GETTING OUT OF THEIR SHIP!!!
bATMAN: yEAH BUUUUT… i’M bATMAN.
oBI-wAN: oKAY THEY’RE GETTING REALLY CLOSE.
vOICE: i’LL HELP YOU!
sILAS: nO!
oBI-wAN: iT CAN’T BE!!!
bATMAN: i’M bATMAN!!!
tRUMP: i’LL HELP YOU! gET TO MY WALL BUILDING SUPPLIES. i THOUGHT i WOULD GET TO USE THEM ONE DAY BUT THEY DIDN’T ELECT ME… aMERICA IS BLOWN UP NOW.
oBI-wAN: qUICK! bUILD YOUR WALL TRUMP! wE’LL GET TO THAT ABANDONED BLOWN UP SCHOOL.
cORWIN: rU-
BOOM!
bATMAN: I’M bATMAN!!!
(eVERYONE RUNS INTO THE RUBBLE OF THE OLD BLOWN UP SCHOOL THAT YOU DON’T RECOGNIZE FROM AN EARLIER BOOK)
sILAS: tHIS PLACE HAS SOME NOSTALGIC ESSENCE TO IT.
oBI-wAN: lOOK I FOUND THIS BOOK.
bATMAN: iT’S TITLED THE DIARY OF pHILIP mALLOY.
sILAS: tHE gREAT pHILIP mALLOY! i’VE HEARD OF HIM! hE’S SUNG ABOUT IN THE GREAT TALES OF THE OLDEN DAYS!
bATMAN: lOOK! pAGE SEVENTY-SEVEN. hOW TO DESTROY kATERATHS!
cORWIN: fINALLY i CAN--
BOOM!
(bATMAN THROWS EXPLODING BATARANG)
bATMAN: i’M bATMAN!!!
CORWIN: wha wa’ dat for?!
Batman: Huh?
CORWIN: WAH? I'm not an English teacher.
Get it - *HaHa*
batman: i’m batman.
corwin: so.
batman: i’m batman.
Silas: We need to go! Now!!!
Trump: The Wall is Failing!!!
Kaderath: We will feast on your flesh!!!
Obi-wan: We have this diary! What does it say!
Silas: It says we need the space sword!
Batman: What the heCK is the space sword!?
Obi-Wan: RRRUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!
Corwin: Get into my ship! Finally, I spoke a full-
BOOM!
Batman: I’m Batman!!!
Corwin: My ship has vital coordinates for survival!!!
Silas: Then Let’s go!!!
(Corwin’s ship flies up to space)
Silas: Good. We’ve escaped the kaderaths… for now.
Obi-Wan: They’re very powerful creatures.
Corwin: That ship! Up ahead! That’s where the others are being held!
Batman: What others?
Corwin: My friends Mahoney and Friedman.
Silas: That’s the thing you wanted us to do right?
Break into the Kaderath facility and rescue them.
Corwin: Yes! and we’re running out of time.
Obi-Wan: Okay then…. let’s get into that ship.
(In the ship)
Kaderath guard #1: So Drew. Uhhh How was your weekend.
Kaderath guard #2 (AKA Drew): Harry you need to stop asking me that! I feel like that’s all we ever talk about.
Kaderath guard #1 (AKA Harry): Yeah well whaT do you-
Kaderath Guard #2 (AKA Drew): Did you hear that?!
(Obi-wan, Batman, and Silas drop in through the ceiling)
Batman: I’m Batman!!!
Obi-wan: We need to get to the holding cells.
(Five minutes later)
Obi-wan: This is not what I meant.
(Everyone is in the holding cells preparing to be eaten by the Kaderaths)
Drew: Ha! Humans always taste the best.
Silas: I am not huma--
Harry: Shut up human!
(Harry slaps silas.)
Obi-wan: Who’s that? In the corner.
Mahoney: Are you the rescuers Corwin told us about?
Silas: How did she contact you?
Friedman: She texted us.
Obi-wan: oh… Come on, let’s go.
Mahoney: You can’t just walk out of here you know.
Silas: We know.
Voice: I can get you out.
Silas: That voice...I know it.
Mahoney: Hi mr D
Mr D: Damn it that was supposed to be a big dramatic entrance!!!
Batman: Can you get us out though.
Mr. D: and Yoda.
Yoda: Yes, backwards I talk.
Mr D: I have the key.
(Mr D takes a key out of messy binder)
Batman: Good, now get us out!
(Mr D unlocks the door and everyone gets out)
Silas: Thank you.
Mr D: Yeah I’m cool like that- Kaderath!
Obi-wan: Where!!!
Mr D: Right behind you!
(Everyone turns around)
Batman: No there’s not.
Mr. D: Oh it appears I was mistaken.
(Everyone turns back around)
Mr. D: BECAUSE I AM A KADERATH!!!
(Mr. D starts spazzing out and then turns into Obi-wan)
Obi-wan: What the heCK!?
Kaderath: Yes you will never discover where the real Mr D is!!!
(mESSY BINDER HITS THE KADERATH IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.)
mR d: hA! hA!
kADERATH: mmmmrrrrrggggggg!!!!!!
bATMAN: i’M bATMAN!!!
mR d: gET TO THE SHIP!
sILAS: wAIT. hOW CAN WE TRUST YOU? yOU COULD BE A KADERATH TOO!!!
dREW: wHO’S TO SAY WE’RE NOT ALL KADERATHS!!!
bATMAN: ME. because i’m batman!!!
(Batman punches drew)
Mr D: Let’s go!!!
(Everyone runs to the ship…...inside the bigger ship and accidentally leave Mahoney and Friedman)
Silas: It’s not flying.
Mr D: I can fix it.
(Mr D. hits the control board with a wrench)
Obi-wan: No!
(The ship shoots out of the kaderath control station.)
Batman: How did you do that!?
Mr D: It’s my ship. I made it to fit myself.
Silas: That makes sense.
(Later)
Obi-wan: Whuh?
Obi-Wan: Oh my God we’re crashing down into that planet!!!
Silas: AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Mr D: Jump!
(Everyone jumps out of the ship with parachutes.)
Obi-Wan: Go!!!
Batman: ZZZZZZZZZZZ
Mr D: Batman! Wake Up!!!
Batman: Wha? AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Silas: Fly towards us.
Batman: I cant make it! Did Corwin follow us!?
oBI-wAN: yES, wHY!?
bATMAN: bECAUSE i’M NOT GONNA MAKE IT. Tell her to pick up my dead remains!
Obi-Wan: NOOOOOOOO!!!
(Batman lets go of his efforts and flies away.)
(Even Later)
Batman: Whuh?
Voice: Your injured don’t try to stand
Batman: who are you?
Thomas: thomas Malloy.
Other voice: ha! The your ideas deceive you.
Thomas: no! It can’t be!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 4:
the return
thomas: narwin?! but you’ve been dead since book one!
narwin: yes, but i’m a brain.
thomas: uh… yeah. i can see that.
narwin: i’m kinda in like a doctor who™ brain situation here, but...
thomas: how are yOU TALKIN’?!?!
NARWIN: VOICE MODIFIER. KINDA LIKE UP™.
THOMAS: UP™?
NARWIN: YEAH! THE MOVIE UP™. WITH THE TALKIN’ DOG? DISNEY™®©? REALLY? OH. OKAY. WELL...
ZAP!
ROBIN: WOWZERS BATMAN! SHE’S GOT SOME KIND OF PALPATINE-ZAP-ZAP POWERS!
BATMAN: SHUT. YOUR FACE.
ROBIN: OKIE-DOKIE BATMAN!
BATMAN: I’M BATMAN.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: I’M HERE TO--
BATMAN: THAT BRAIN THING IS STILL ELECTROCUTING THAT OLD DUDE!
CORWIN: HERE! USE MY POTION!
(CORWIN THROWS POTION TO BATMAN AND OVERSHOTS HIS HAND BY 30 FEET)
CORWIN: HERE’S MY OTHER POTION! I’LL TRY AGAI--
BATMAN: NO!
(CORWIN THROWS POTION)
BATMAN: REALLY?!
(OH YEAH, CORWIN MISSED AGAIN)
CORWIN: TAKE THIS BRAIN THING!
(CORWIN PUTS PAPER CLIP IN THE OUTLET IN NARWIN’S BRAIN’S ROBOT THING)
BATMAN: IT’S A SUICIDE MISSION CORWIN!
CORWIN: AT LEAST I’M SAVING-- OW! *COUGH* THOMAS…
(CORWIN IS ELECTROCUTED)
(CORWIN DIES)
BATMAN: NO!
(CORWIN SPAZZES OUT)
BATMAN: WHA?!
(CORWIN CHANGES INTO BATMAN)
BATMAN: CORWIN’S A KADERATH?! WAH?! I HAVE TO WARN THE OTHERS! OBI-WAN! YODA! TRUM-- NAH. I’M NOT GOING TO TELL HIM.
ROBIN: howdy-ho batman! that’s weird!
batman: wait. robin?! how are you still alive?!
robin (deep voice): i’m not.
(ROBIN STABS BATMAN)
BATMAN: AHHH!!!!!
(batman passes out)
robin (deep voice): i guess it wasn’t that hard. i will now contact lord gary of the kaderaths!!!
(batman stands up)
batman: I’LL KILL YOU, robin!
(batman punches robin)
(robin spazzes out - turns into batman)
______________________________________
in “the totally not a base base”
______________________________________
socko: mr. betts, where is everyone? they’ve been gone since book two!
mr. betts: I DO NOT KNOW MY DEAR SOCKO.
POPO: PRETZELS!!!
MR. BETTS: SHUT UP POPO…
(THREE BATMANS COME IN THE DOOR)
ALL THREE BATMANS: MR. BETTS!
MR. BETTS: WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?!
ALL THREE BATMANS: I’M BATMAN.
MR. BETTS: WHICH ONE?!
SOCKO: I’LL HANDLE THIS. THIS IS HOW YOU FIGURE OUT WHO’S WHO.
(SOCKO PUTS GUN TO ROBIN-BATMAN’S HEAD)
SOCKO: WHO ARE YOU?!
ROBIN-BATMAN: I’M BATMAN.
SOCKO: DON’T PLAY GAMES WITH ME… ROBIN!
(SOCKO SHOOTS ROBIN)
(ROBIN GEO LEAPS TO OTHER SIDE OF ROOM)
(ROBIN TURNS BACK INTO REGULAR SELF)
ROBIN (DEEP VOICE): I HATE YOU.
(ROBIN SHOOTS SOCKO)
(SOCKO is torn by the bullet)
MR. BETTS: SOCKO! NO!
(MR. BETTS THROWS Bomb AT ROBIN)
(CORWIN-BATMAN AND ROBIN GEO LEAP OUT OF BASE)
BOOM!
(BASE BLOWS UP)
(CORWIN CHANGES BACK INTO SELF)
ROBIN: FINALLY, THEY’RE TAKEN CARE OF. HA.
CORWIN: YES. NOW WE CA--
(BATMAN SHOOTS CORWIN AND ROBIN)
BATMAN: I’M BATMAN.
(Mr. betts is bleeding out)
Batman: well that’s taken care of.
Mr. Betts: batman! Behind you!!!
Batman: wha- Ahhhh!
(Batman stabs kaderath Robin in the face with Batarang)
Corwin: dieeeeeee!!!
Mr. Betts: batman! Catch!
(Mr betts throws batman a laser blaster!)
Mr. Betts: batman draw their attention! Socko get me to the ship and start it up!
Socko: alright!
Batman: die stupid kaderaths!!!
(Mr. Betts is carried over to the ship and batman and socko get in)
Batman: I shot them down...so they’re dead now right?
Mr. Betts: no.
Batman: what?!
Mr. Betts: you can’t kill kaderaths. Well you can but the only way to kill them is with the space sword.
Batman: we read that in the diary of Philip Malloy!
Mr. Betts: the diary of Philip Malloy?! Where did you find this?!
Batman: at Harrison high school.
Mr. Betts: tell me everything!
CHAPTER 5:
The return of darth vader
Obi-wan: ugh! Where are we?
Silas: stuck in this volcanic world.
Mr. D: wait! What’s that?!
Deep voice: yes this new rebellion shall fall….the sixth alliance with the kaderaths will not fail. I sense something. The rebel leaders are here…….somewhere.
Obi-wan: that sounds like darth vader!
Mr. D: he was always one of my favorites.
Obi-wan: not here he’s not.
Silas: do we run.
Obi-wan: we have to cloud his senses. I can handle that.
Mr d: ummmm how many miles are we from earth. I have some essays to grade.
(Silas pulls out a machine)
Silas: miles...we’re on the volcanic world of mustafar from the Star Wars universe.
Mr. D: now I can tell my students I graded their papers in the Star Wars universe! They’ll probably think it’s some crazy story or something.
Silas: you realize in this reality all your students have been destroyed and the Earth is probably becoming a barren wasteland and a hive and battleground for the kaderaths.
Mr d: I had not thought of that.
Obi-wan: go! Go!!
Mr d: how do we get to a ship!
Obi-wan: I know a ship dock near by.
(at the ship dock)
Silas: how do you know of this place?
Obi-wan: just get into the ship.
Vader: not so fast.
(Vader ignites his lightsaber)
Obi-wan: it’s him!
Silas: mr. D get in the ship!
Mr D: uh that’s mr d to you!
Silas: that’s what I said!
Mr d: No you said Mr. d! I’m mr d.
Silas: wha?
Obi-wan: get in the ship I’ll be right behind you!
(Silas and Mr d run into the ship)
Obi-wan: anakin-
Vader: No! It’s vader now remember!
Obi-wan: fine!
Vader: remember this place! This is where I became me!
Obi-wan: this isn’t you! It’s only a manifestation of your anger!
Vader: arrrrgggghhhhh!!!
Silas: fly the ship!
Mr d: I don't know how! My ship only has two working buttons! “Go” and “faster”!
(Vader takes off his mask and anakin’s original fAce is reveAled)
Obi-wan: anakin?
Vader: no.
(Anakin looks out over the lava)
Obi-wan: anakin what are you doing?!
(Anakin steps off the ledge)
Obi-wan: NOOOOOOO!!!
(Anakin is lifted out of the lava by Obi-wan-wan’s force powers)
Anakin: ahhhhhhhhhh!!!
(Anakin’s face is scarred and burnt)
Obi-wan: anakin are you?
Anakin: i’m okay *cough*
Obi-wan: come with us
An akin: what?!
Obi-wan: it’s not too late! You can still survive! We’ll find a medical center!!!
Anakin: but- I betrayed you!
Obi-wan: we need fighters! You can still live! You can start over and find the resistance with batman!!!
Anakin: i will come with you. Where is the nearest medical center?!
Obi-wan: I don’t know. We’ll have to find one.
(Obi-wan carries Anakin to the ship)
Silas: what?!
Obi-wan: he’s on our side now.
Anakin: darth bane and darth sidious will be here soon. We have to leave!
Mr d: start the engines!
(They shoot off world)
Silas: I can look for the nearest medical station.
Obi-wan: good.
Silas: we have one! Near Mars.
Anakin: I can't *cough* survive that long!
Silas: I have a darker route…
(Silas pulls out wormhole generator)
Mr d: I know that! That’s a wormhole generator. I uh stole that from the science lab once. But won't that kill us?
Silas: we have a low chance of survival. But the rewards are big. We can get back to Earth before the kaderaths become too powerful!
(Silas opens the ship door)
Mr d: are you crazy! The lack of air will kill us!!!
Silas: just jump into the portal!!! One!!!! Two!!!!!!! Three!!!!!!!!!
(Everyone jumps into the portal and is teleported to the Earth’s surface)
Silas: we’re… Here?
Obi-wan: we need to find a ship and get to Mars!
Anakin: I won’t make it!
Mr d: YES!!!
Anakin: hey!!!
Mr d: oh….no I just found a nickel.
Silas: everything is so barren...all the wildlife is gone. no more trees or bushes. Just desert.
Obi-wan: what’s that bunker over there?!
Silas: what’s that sound?!
Mr d: kaderaths! Their rising from the ground!!!
(Kaderaths grab onto their legs)
Mr d: AHHHHHHH!!!
Silas: no! Noooooooo!!!
(Later)
Silas: huh? Whe are weh?
Obi-wan: what ya say?
Mr d: they drugged us and slurred our- Oh wait I’m fine!
Silas: we’re in a cell!!!
Obi-wan: wait! My lightsaber is still on my belt!!!
Silas: unusual.
Drew: sup SILAS! Remember me! I survived!!!
Mr d: really?
Drew: really.
Mr d: REALLY?!
Drew: really.
Mr d: REALLLLLYYYYYY?!
Drew: yes! Yes! Really!!!
Mr d: okay.
(Obi-wan cuts the bars with his lightsaber)
Silas: ha!
(Silas takes out a gun)
Mr d: get to the spaceport!!!
(Everyone runs toward the ships)
Drew: blearrrgggghhhh!!!
(Drew stuns the crew)
(On Mars)
Silas: we-we did it! We’re on Mars!
Obi-wan: only we’re trapped in this giant glass jar?
Mr d: I can get us out!
Obi-wan: you can?!
Mr d: no…. I lied.
CHAPTER 6:
The SPACE SWORD
Batman: what?!
Mr. BETTS: THEY’RE COMING!!!
Batman: who?
Mr. Betts: I don't know.
Batman: okay.
SOCKO: look! That ship out in the distance!
Batman: we need to destroy them!!!
Mr. Betts: NO! JUST Dock on the side of their ship.
Batman: alright then.
(Batman docks the ship...connected to the other ship)
Socko: THIS IS THE REBEL SHIP!!!
Batman: woah!
(Strange noise)
Mr. BETTS: WHAT?!
(The rebels walk in the room where the other guys...yeaaaahhhhh)
Kanan: who the heCK is this?!
Batman: I’m batman!!!
Kanan: ok…
Socko: and I am socko of socktopia.
Mr. Betts: and I’m Mr. Betts.
Kanan: what are you doing here?!
Socko: mr. Betts told us to dock the ship here.
Ezra: how do we know we can even trust you!?
Socko: what?! You just- wait
Are you Aladdin?
Ezra: no i'm Ezra!
Mr. BETTS: what kind of name is Ezra?!
Batman: yeah what is this “tales of the bible”
(“Tales of the bible!!!” - Read to the tune of the pokemon theme song)
It was canceled after one season like most shows are!!!
But this show had special religious ties!!!
It really sTUNK! Yeah that is true! It was a Kids show!!!
So that means they couldn’t show Joseph being sold!!!
It was a show that tied children to religious thoughts!
And it had a sign that ANNOYED people!!!
And it said!!!
“tales of the bible!!!”
It encouraged kids with parents!!!
“tales of the bible!!!”
Toooo encourage their children to accept the Christian faith!! )
Socko: Well that wasted some time.
Ezra: and yeah. My name relates in no way to the Christian faith. Disney would be sued if that happened.
Kanan: yeah. Why are you here anyway?
Mr. Betts: We just need a docking space to use as a base to hide from the kaderaths.
Kanan: The kaderaths!? We’re running from them too!!!
Batman: They’re here
___________________________________
Near the third moon of mars
__________________________
Philip Jr.: the ship’s going down!!!
(The ship crashes into Mars)
Philip jr. : AWWW NO!!!
Voice: Hello young traveler.
Philip jr.: Who the heCK are you!?
Voice: I’MMMMMMMM…
Spiderman: Spiderman!!!
pHILIP Jr. : Do you have a ship?
Spiderman: Yes.
(Philip Jr. and spiderman fly off mars)
Spiderman: What’s that?
Philip jr. : The space sword. The only known weapon that can kill kaderaths...besides Kaderaths that is.
Spiderman: cooooolllll.
Philip jr. : look! That ship over there!
Spiderman: Let’s dock it illegally!
Philip jr. : Yaaayyyyyyy!!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 7:
the (other) return
BATman: get to the ground! acid spitters!
spider man: howdy ho batman!
batman: what did you just say?
spider man: i don’t know! i didn’t mean to--
batman: oh no! just as philip wrote! the kaderaths can take over someone’s body!
spider man: wobblin’ whales batman! that’s crazy!
batman: we need the rebels!
spider man: help! h-- howdy ho bat-- hel-- howdy ho! whippin’ tuna! rocketry lobsters! timothy tambourines!
batman: either i’m an idiot… or that’s robin.
…
batman: but robin’s a kaderath! wah?!?!??!
robin (deep voice): well, well, well batman. you’ve figured it out.
batman: well, it was kinda obvious since you’re the only WEIRDO who says stuff like that.
robin: i will take over the world and possibly ev--
boom!
zeb: not so fast.
random canadian guy: eh guys! nice shot, eh! eh! eh! zeb, eh! nice shot, Eh! wow, eh! nice job, eh zeb, Eh!
random australian guy: eh, nice shot indeed, mate.
random canadian guy: eh, who ah’ you, eh?
random australian guy: i’m oliver, mate!
random canadian guy: eh, there’s only one random foreign guy in this book, eh! and it’s william, eh!
oliver: ya’ wanna tussle, mate?!
william: eh, let's get at it, eh!
(William and Oliver get into an epic fist fight)
William: eh, you need to do better than that, eh.
Oliver: do you even lift, mate?
William: eh, indeed I do, eh!
Oliver: well mate, doesn’t seem like it mate!
---
Oliver: Mate!
William: Ehh! ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Oliver jukes out William)
Oliver: dem jukes, mate!
Batman: I'm batman.
Zeb: SHUT UP!
Oliver: Ok…. Byeeeeeeee!
William: see ya bat guy.
Batman: i'm batman!
Oliver: I don't really care.
William: wait! am i a ghost?!
(Zeb shoots william)
Zeb: now you are.
Batman: ha.
Boom!
Boom!
Boom!
crasH!
Voice: get down!
Ezra: hurry! Zeb! Batman! Random people! Come with us!
batman: wait. you look strangely familiar….
voice: yes.
(“voice” takes off hood)
batman: nope. i was wrong. i don’t know you.
voice: i’m… the one.
batman: i’m batman. also, what?
voice: you have probably heard of my father…. philip malloy.
kanan: hey, phil! we gotta go!
thomas: my grandchild. we must go.
philip jr.: just a few more minutes. i must catch up with--
crash!
flying kaderath: we are the kaderaths! we will now take over eart--
(philip jr. nukes them)
Philip jr: Kobe!
thomas: great job, philip jr.
(80,000 kaderaths appear)
batman: well. we’re DEAD.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 8:
Mars… lovely Mars
Mr D: Well. We’re officially DEAD.
Obi-wan: It’s a jar made out of damn glass it can’t be that hard?!
Silas: Hold on.
(Silas shrieks and breaks the glass)
Obi-wan: Well that worked.
Mr D: Let’s go!
(Everyone walks peacefully)
Silas: So peaceful.
Mr D: Almost as if we’re forgetting something. Something like-
Everyone: AIR!!!
(Everyone chokes for air)
Obi-Wan: AIIIIIRrrr-
(Everyone conveniently gets air helmets.)
Everyone: SHWA?!
Obi-wan: It appears this planet has reality bending powers.
Mr D: I wish for… a sandwich!!!
(No sandwich appears)
Mr d: aww.
Obi-Wan: The planet only helps who it deems worthy.
Mr D: I wish for… A sandwich.
Kaderath: DiE!!!
(Everyone faints)
(Everyone wakes up.)
Obi-wan: Mr D! We’re in danger! Help us!!!
Mr d: what do I do?!
Obi-wan: ask the planet for something!!!
Mr d: uhhhh uhhhhh okay focus time!!! Uhhhh I wish for a Uhhhh a-a Uhhhh a sandwich?!
(A sandwich appears)
Mr d: yeah!
Obi-wan: no!!! They’re here!
(Kaderaths appear)
Obi-wan: what do we do?!
Mr d: sandwich!
(Mr d hits the kaderaths with the sandwich)
Mr d: THE SANDWICH! NOOOOOO!!
Obi- wan: that did nothing.
Mr d: it wasted a perfectly good sandwich.
(Silas walks in and shoots the kaderaths dead)
Mr d: nice shot!
Obi-wan: help me!
(Silas unties obi-wan from the rack)
Obi-wan: thanks.
Mr d: we need a more effective form of wishing for stuff
(Mr d picks up a lamp)
Mr d: like this!
Obi-wan: that’s just an old Egyptian lamp.
Mr d: studies show that this will produce a genie which will grant us 3 wishes!
Silas: no.
(Mr d rubs the lamp and smoke comes out)
Mr d: see it works.
(The genie from Aladdin appears)
Genie: oh. Hi how are ya!?
(Genie shakes everyone's hands)
Obi-wan: I can't believe this!
Genie: really. well I’ll explain it. In a copyrighted song!
---
Genie: Well, Ali Baba had them forty thieves,
Scheherazade had a thousand tales.
But master you're in luck, 'cause up your sleeves
You've got a brand of magic never fails
You've got some power in your corner now!
Some heavy ammunition in your camp!
You got some punch, pizzaz, yahoo and how.
See, all you gotta do is rub that lamp, and I'll say:
"Mr. Aladdin, sir, what will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order, jot it down?"
You ain't never had friend like me
Life is your restaurant and I'm your maitre'd
Come on whisper what it is you want;
You ain't never had friend like me!
Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service.
You're the boss, the king, the shah.
Say what you wish; it's yours, true dish.
How 'bout a little more baklava?
Have some of column A try All of column B,
I'm in the mood to help you, dude.
You ain't never had friend like me
Oh my. No no. My my my.
Can your friends do this?
Can your friends do that?
Can your friends pull this
Out their little hat?
Can your friends go poof?
Well looky here.
Can your friends go abracadabra, let her rip,
And then make the sucker disappear?
So don't just sit there slack-jawed, buggy-eyed,
I'm here to answer all your mid-day prayers,
You've got me bona fide certified;
You've got a genie for charge d'affaires.
I've got a powerful urge to help you out,
So what you wish, I really wanna know?
You've got a list that's three miles long, no doubt,
Well all you've gotta do is rub like so, and oh -
Mr. Aladdin, sir, have a wish or two or three.
I'm on the job you big nabob!
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend,
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend,
You ain't never had a friend like me.
You ain't never had a friend like me!!!!!!!!
Silas: that makes sense now.
Obi-wan: yep. Perfectly understand this now.
Mr d: I like the song where the monkey spits on the guy.
Genie: so you guys are my new masters. And since I’m a nice guy you can each have three wishes!!!
Obi-wan: Okay my first wish is to kill all the-
Genie: woah! Woah! Woah! You can’t start making wishes without hearing the three rules! And by the way you can’t murder all the Canadians! I can't do that!
Mr d: oh! I know the rules!
Genie: yeah but I have to say them!
Obi-wan: we’re listening.
Genie: rule one! I can’t bring anyone back from the dead
rule two! I can't make anyone fall in love
Mr d: we don't want that though.
Genie: let me finish!!! And rule three! I can't kill anyone.
Obi-wan: NO!
Genie: so what are your wishes.
Silas: we don't know yet.
Genie: what’s that noise?!
Voice: genie?!
Genie: AL!!!
Aladdin: it is you!
Genie: yeah! You don't see that many magical floating creatures trapped in a lamp.
Aladdin: who is are these people?!
Genie: so how’s the wife?! Got any kids?! Did you name any of them genie?! Did you?! Did you?!?!
Aladdin: uhhhh yes? So who are you guys?
Silas: i’m Silas.
Obi-wan: i’m obi-wan.
Mr d: and I’m mr d.
Aladdin: oh ok. And what’s your significance to the story.
Mr d: what story?
Aladdin: you know the movie Aladdin™?
Mr d: yes! I've seen it! Do the song with the monkey!
Aladdin: oh he’s back at the palace.
Mr d: oh! Oh! I'm gonna use my first wish.
Obi-wan: be rational about this!
Mr d: I wish for...uhhhh….a way out of here?
Genie: good one!
Aladdin: yeah how did I even get in here?
Silas: yes how did you?
Aladdin: oh yeah! The kaderaths took me away from my home and tortured me.
Silas: okay.
Genie: lets’ GOOOOOOO!!!
(Everyone walks through a magic door)
Genie: here we are! On the surface of Mars!
Everyone: yayyyyyyy!!!
Aladdin: I can't breathe!!!
Mr d: oh yeah! We should get you an air helmet. Uhhh genie! I wish for an air helmet!
(Mr d puts the air helmet on Aladdin.)
Aladdin: thanks.
Mr d: yell. Hey look it’s a brick.
(A brick is hurled toward the company)
Aladdin: we gotta go! Genie we have to find a ship.
Mr d: yeah go! Quick!
(Aladdin and genie run away.)
Mr d: yay!
(Smooth lambo drives up)
Voice: the kaderaths are someone.
Mr d: George Washington.
(Bloody George Washington walks out of the lambo)
George Washington: the kaderaths are coming.
Silas: they are upon us.
Obi-wan: prepare for…
______________________________________________
CHAPTER 9:
The reign ends
GEORGE WASHINGTON: GET TO THE LAMBO!
SILAS: NO TIME FOR THAT, GEORGE! WE HAVE TO--
KADERath: STOP TALKING PUNY HUMANS!
GEORGE WASHINGTON: EXCUSE ME AS I WOULD LIKE TO rebuttal. MR. KADERATH, I AM , LIKE, TWICE YOUR SIZE.
SIlas: INDEED! THIS SPOON IS INADEQUATE!
(SILas BREAKS PLASTIC SPOON)
Kaderath: You will not defeat me human.
(Kaderath blows up George Washington)
Silas: oh no. george died.
(spaceship lands)
Corwin: kill him!
Silas: now!
(ben franklin comes in on his magical kite)
(ben franklin attaches vacuum to corwin’s head)
Corwin: ow! You idiots! My reign over the kadera-- ow!-- will now en--
Ben: shut up!!!!!!!
(Corwin falls on ground)
Corwin: where am I?
Silas: it worked! It worked! We have to tell mR. D!
_________________________
At socko’s base
_________________________
Socko: where's batman?! The kaderaths are going to come any minute now.
Ezra: yes, we need defense.
Batman: I'm batman.
Obi-wan: we m--
Crash!
(CORWIN breaks through the wall with Silas and Ben Franklin)
CORWIN: mr. D?
Mr. D: how did she get in here!
KILL her!
(Mr. D stabs CORWIN with pocket knife)
CORWIN: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
(Mr. D repeatably stabs CORWIN)
Corwin: stop!!!
(Mr. D doesn't stop)
Mr. D: no kaderath will take over my base!
Socko: it's actually my base.
(Corwin TURNS INTO MR. D)
Batman: I'm batman!!!
Socko: what's happening?!
Silas: she's regenerating and returning to her kaderath form!
(Kaderath breaks through the window)
Kaderath: give us CG-110!
Socko: huh?
Kaderath: *sigh* Corwin…
Socko: oh.
---
Socko: no.
Kaderath: I will kill you know.
(Kaderath spits acid at socko)
Socko: AHH!!!
(Socko’s body melts)
Socko: remember… Me…
(Socko dies)
Obi-wan: give me the diary!!!
(Obi-wan is handed the diary of Philip Malloy)
Obi-wan: RIGHT HERE! On page 3! How to revive a human with 2 easy steps!
Batman: but how do we-- wait.
(Batman kills kaderath)
Batman: okay. But how do we get the rocks of Greffo? And the-- I'm batman-- ater from matto?
Obi-Wan: two words. Time. Travel.
Batman: oh yeah! The only problem is… WE CAN’T TIME TRAVEL!!!
Obi-wan: but I know someone who can.
______________________________________________
CHAPTER 10:
The doctor
(Phone box appears)
Doctor who: hello Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: how are you?
Batman: wait. How did you come? Obi-wan didn't even-- never mind…
Doctor who: who are y--
Batman: I'm batman.
Obi-wan: we need you to time travel back to 2016, so you can get these two items.
(Obi-wan shows him the book)
Doctor who: okay.
(Doctor who leaves)
(Doctor who comes back)
Doctor who: done.
(Doctor who gives Obi-Wan the itemS)
(Obi-Wan places the items in socko's lung)
Obi-wan: ew!
Kaderath: no!
Socko: yes!
(Socko punches KADERaTH, and KADERaTH falls of base into lava)
(Another kaderath comes)
(Kaderath spits acid at Doctor who and brutally beats him.
With a hammer)
(Doctor who dies)
(Batman throws nuke at kaderath)
(Kaderath blows up)
Batman: we can't save him.
Ezra: yes… He is right. The Doctor is gone…
(Everybody gets on their knees and starts quietly praying)
Ezra: HA! I JUST REALIZED THAT WE COULD’VE ASKED HIM TO GO BACK TO NARWIN’S BIRTH AND STOP HER FROM WANTING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! ISN’T THAT FUNNY GUYS?!
(Everyone Closes In on ezra)
Ezra: guys?
(Closer)
Ezra: guys?!
(Everyone beats up Ezra… With hammers)
______________________________________________
CHAPTER 11:
The secret kaderathS
Batman: good thing tha-- ha! -- *cough*!
Socko: are you okay?
Batman: shut up!
Doctor who: hey!
Socko: what the heCK! I thought you were dead!
Thomas: hello, socko.
Socko: wah?! I thought you were in space.
Thomas: well i’m here, so…
Socko: it’s just as philip wrote! The kaderaths can telepathically take over someone’s body!
Batman: not all. I’m kaderath batman.
Thomas (deep voice): i’m kaderath thomas. We are sent here by our king, robin.
Briggs: get down socko!
Socko: what the heCK is going on!?!
Silas: this human is inadequate!
Socko: what the heCK!? Who are-- how?! Wah?!?!
Silas: we are all kaderaths socko. JOIN THE BRO--
BOOM!
MR. BETTS: SNIPED.
(MR. BETTS TURNS INTO SOCKO)
SOCKO: AHHH!!!!!
(EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM TURNS INTO SOCKO)
SOCKO: AHHHH!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!!! AHHH!!!!!!!!
SILAS (SOCKO): I AM SOCKO NOW.
BATMAN (SOCKO): NO, I AM SOCKO NOW.
SIALS: WE WILL KILL YOU, SOCKO.
SOCKO: CODE 73-975! REPEAT! CODE 73-975!
CAPTAIN REX: WAH IS IT, SOCKO!?
SOCKO: GET THE NUKE! I’LL GO!
CAPTAIN REX: I HATE you socko!
(socko leaves)
Captain rex: NO!
Boom!
Socko: that was clo--
Kaderath: i will eat your face!
Socko: ohhhh. Yeah. kaderths can only die by using the space sword. I’m dead.
(kaderath eats socko)
Socko: no!
(socko busts out of the kaderath’s stomach with a sword)
Kaderth: noooo!!!!! Not the space sword!
Socko: wah? Dis aint no space sword.
---
Socko: NO.
Kaderath: lololololo!!!!!!
Popo: i am resurrected!
Socko: not another kaderath!
Popo: a kade--
(socko chops off popo’s head)
Kaderath: uh… that wasn’t a kaderath.
Socko: WHO CARES!
Batman (kaderath): i will kill everyo--
Kaderath: yo! Harry! We already went through this.
Moses: i will save the humans!
(kaderath stabs moses)
Moses: oh! You bastard! They don’t let you live, they don’t let you breath!
Kaderath: socko. Come and you will be our overlord.
Socko: uhhh….. No.
BOOM!
MOSES: AHHH!!!!!!
(SOCKO LEAVES IN A SOCK-LAMBO)
(SOCK-LAMBO EXPLODES)
SOCKO: MY SOCK-LAMBO!
(800,000,000 KADERATHS APPEAR)
SOCKO: UH OH.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 12:
Gary’s revenge
SOCKO: I’M GONNA KILL ALL OF ‘YALL!
KADERATH: NO.
(KADERATH DROPS NUKE)
Boom!
Socko: no! *cough* ah!
Voice: socko!
Socko: huh? Wah? Huh? Wah?
Voice: i am ki-- well… not really. I am no longer a king ever since that robin boy took over my throne…
Socko: who are you?
Voice: gary. Former king of the kaderaths.
Socko: kaderaths?!
Gary: do not worry. All of these kaderaths that came with me are against robin. We are here to help you defeat robin.
Voice: me too.
Socko: woah, woah, woah! bod?!
Bod: *cough* yes. *cough*
Socko: i thought silas killed you.
Bod (deep voice): WHO CARES ABOUT SILAS!
SOCKO: WOAH BUDDY! CALM DOWN!
BOD (DEEP VOICE): NEVER!
(gary and bod turn into evil kaderaths)
(they eat socko ali--
---------------------
Socko: AHH!!!!
_________________
NARRATION:
________________
OLIVER: Ello, mate. Oliver here. It turned out ol’ socko got into a big mess, mate. Well, it turned out that former king gary of the kaderaths, mate, and bod were always evil kaderaths, mate. Well, enjoy the story, mate! I’ll be back later!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 13:
The Malloys strike back
Thomas: They are here.
Kanan: Who!?
Batman: The kaderaths?!
Thomas: Yes.
Philip jr. : We have to fight.
(Philip jr. unsheathes the space sword)
Batman: Is that the real thing?
Philip Jr. : Yes.
Thomas: They’re drilling through the hull of the ship!
Kanan: HERA!!!
Ezra: What the heCK!?
Kanan: The kaderaths! They’re-
(Loud shriek)
Ezra: They’re in the ship!!!
(Everyone runs into the cockpit)
Kanan: NOOOOOO!!!
(The windshield is broken open and Hera is dead)
Kaderath: HISSSSSS!!!
Ezra: Kill it Philip Jr.!
Philip Jr. : AHHHHHHH!!!
(Philip Jr. slices the kaderath’s head off.)
Mr. Betts: RUN!!!
(Everyone runs to the safe shelter.)
Hera: That was a close one.
Kanan: Yeah.
Hera: And this is closer.
(Kaderath Hera rips Kanan’s heart out)
Ezra: Kanan!!!
(Philip Jr. kills the kaderath)
Philip Jr. : Go! Get to the Phantom!
Zeb: What about you!?
Philip Jr. : I’ll make my sacrifice! Grandpa. Take the space sword. Only a true of heart or a Malloy can wield it and you’re at least one of those.
Thomas: HMMMMMM. Nope.
(Thomas picks up Philip and carries him to the Phantom.)
Ezra: The Phantom can’t fit us all! Some one has to stay!
Batman: I’ll do it.
Ezra: You can’t! We need you! You have to lead me to Obi-wan to finish my training!
Batman: How did you know about obi-wan.
(Batman turns around to see Ezra turning into a Kaderath!)
Batman: Mr. Betts! The kid’s a kaderath!
(Philip jr. cHOPS OFF kADERATH eZRA’S HEAD.)
bATMAN: cOME ON!
(tHE REAL eZRA SHOWS UP)
EZRA: gET iN!
(Everyone gets in except socko)
Batman: Socko Get in! The ship is falling apart!
Socko: I can’t. You said it yourself. The ship won't hold all of us. I have seen too much on this mortal plane of existence. It is time for me to pass on. Now GO!!
(Socko closes the door and the crew flies away while the kaderaths devour socko and they all die in a fiery explosion)
Batman: SOOOCCCKKKKOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Ezra: he sacrificed his life. For us.
Zeb: he was...pretty good.
Mr. Betts: socko was a good general...we still have a secret stronghold though. Socko set it up. He told me to bring us there. It’s back on Earth. That was his last wish….that we all survived this.
Philip jr. : he’s really gone….he was my mentor. He showed me my inner power and helped me discover my past.
Thomas: hey! He didn’t do anything for me!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 14:
The mel brooks chapter
Batman: We’re never getting anywhere in this escape pod.
Thomas: Just wait.
Batman: For what?
Thomas: I Have no idea.
Philip jr. : What’s that ship out there?
Zeb: I don’t know. Let’s not go near it.
Ezra: Come on zeb! Where’s your sense of adventure?!
Zeb: I left it on the ghost with our dead friends
Thomas: The boy is right.
Zeb: Yeah of course he is.
Thomas: We need to board that ship. It’s like way bigger than ours.
Batman: I’m Batman!!!
(They board the larger ship.)
Philip jr. : It’s super dark in here.
Batman: I embrace the dark. Because I’m Batman!!!
Voice: What!? Who’s there?!
Batman: I’m Batman!!!
Voice: That’s great.
(Figure steps out of the shadow’s)
Mel Brooks: It’s good to be the king… Of my ship that is.
Batman: It’s mel brooks!
Philip jr. : The famous comedian!
Thomas: Woah!
Ezra: Who the heCK is this!?
Zeb: I have no idea!!!
Mel Brooks: I’ve read this book already! Wait! Wait! You need to get to Earth!
Philip jr. : How did you know?!
Mel Brooks: Lucky guess. Come on!!!
(Mel Brooks flies his ship to the outer limits of the milky way)
Mel Brooks: AHHHH!!! We’re getting a contact from general socko.
Ezra: Where is he!?
Mel Brooks: On Mars.
(The crew flies to Mars)
Mel Brooks: He’s gotta be here!
Captain Rex: Run…
(Kaderaths appear in a circle around the crew.)
Philip jr. : Oh yeah.
(The crew is lead away to the guillotine)
Kaderath: Any last requests?
Mel brooks: none
Kaderath: Test the guillotine.
(Guillotine chops off the head of wooden dummy.)
Mel Brooks: AHHHH!!! Okay Last request1 Last Request! Uhhhhhhh... novocaine!
Kaderath: There is no such thing known to medical science.
Ezra: We are so dead.
Mel Brooks: What if I could make you a trade… Our lives for my fist!
(Mel Brooks fails at punching the kaderath)
Kaderath: Nice try! Now we’re just gonna eat you alive.
Mel Brooks: UH OH.
Ezra: We need to-
(Hooded figure jumps onto guillotine stage)
Voice: Let them go!
(Two more hooded men jump onto the stage)
(Other) Voice: No It’s like this… You will let them go.
Kaderath: No we won’t.
(The people unhood themselves and are Mr D, Silas, and Obi-wan.)
Obi-wan: You will let them go.
Kaderath: Not gonna happen.
Obi-Wan: we have pie.
Kaderath: no
Mr D: AHHHH!!! WE WILL FIGHT!!!
(Seconds later Mr D, Silas and, and Obi-wan are also tied up)
Silas: That was a terrible idea.
Mel Brooks: Wait! I know how we can get out of this.
Zeb: How!?
Mel Brooks: With this!
(Mel Brooks pulls the space sword out of Philip’ jr.’s secret satchel bag and cuts himself free.)
Kaderath crowd: KILL THEM!!!
Mel Brooks: See it’s working!
(Kaderaths step back in fear)
Mel Brooks: Ha! I’ve done it!
Obi-wan: How do we kill all of them...Also could you like...cut us free.
Mel Brooks: Oh, Yeah sure!
(Mel Brooks cuts them all free.)
Silas: Thank you.
(Silas takes out a gun and shoots a bullet through a Kaderath’s head)
Mel Brooks: Nice Shot!
Obi-wan: we don't have the time! Come on!
Mr D: We need to get back to Earth.
Obi-wan: What ever happened to the genie?
Mr D: Look it’s Aladdin right next to us!
Ezra: No! I’m Ezra!
Mr D: Oh that’s...disappointing.
Obi-Wan: hE SAID HE’D COME BACK!
Aladdin: Hey you guys!
Mr D: Look it’s Aladdin!
Aladdin (Deep Voice): Nope
(Aladdin turns into a Kaderath.)
Philip jr. : Argh!
(Philip jr. kills kaderath Aladdin)
Thomas: Let’s Go!!!
Aladdin: Guys! It’s actually me!
(Aladdin rubs the lamp)
Genie: What do you want!? Wait is it a sandwich?
Mr D: No.
Obi-wan: We wish to be back on Earth! All of us!
Genie: Ok then!
(Everyone teleports back to Earth.)
Ezra: thanks.
Zeb: yeah
Genie: it’s my job!
Aladdin: so where are we?
Mel Brooks: we’re in…. Egypt! The king kaderath robin’s home!
Aladdin: really?!
Mel brooks: yes.
We must inquire of these people where the king is!?
Philip jr. : How?
Mel Brooks: In song!
Mel Brooks and company of spanish inquisitors: The Inquistion, let's begin
The Inquistion, look out sin
We have a mission to convert the Jews (Jew ja Jew ja Jew ja Jews)
We're gonna teach them wrong from right
We're gonna help them see the light
And make an offer that they can't refuse (that the Jews just can't refuse)
Confess (confess, confess)
Don't be boring
Say yes (say yes, say yes)
Don't be dull
A fact
you're ignoring:
it's better to lose your skullcap than your skull
The Inquistion, what a show
The Inquistion, here we go
We know you're wishing
That we'd go away
But the Inquistion's here and it's here to stay
The Inquistion, oh boy
The Inquistion, what a joy
The Inquistion, oy oy
--------------------------------
The Inquistion, what a show
The Inquistion, here we go
We know you're wishing
That we'd go away
But the Inquistion's here and it's here to -
- Hey, Torquemada, whaddaya say?
I just got back from the auto-da-fé
Auto-da-fé, what's an auto-da-fé?
It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway
Skit skat voodely vat tootin de day
Mel Brooks: Will you convert?
Crowd: No, no, no, no
Mel Brooks: Will you confess?
Crowd: No, no, no, no
Mel brooks: Will you revert?
Crowd: No, no, no, no
Mel Brooks: Will you say yes?
Crowd: No, no, no, no
Now I ask in a nice way, I said pretty please, I bent their ears,
now I'll work on their knees!
Hey, Torquemada, walk this way
We got a little game that you might wanna play
So pull that handle, try your luck
Who knows, Torq, you might win a buck!
Alright!
Put it in the car (in the car x2)
How we doing? Any converts today?
Not a one, nay, nay, nay
We've flattened their fingers
We branded their buns
Nothing is working
Send in the nuns!
The Inquistion, what a show
The Inquistion, here we go
We know you're wishing
That we'd go away
So, c'mon you Moslems and you Jews
We got big news for all of yous
You better change your point of views today
'Cause the Inquistion's here and it's here to stay
Mel Brooks: Alright you guys take five.
Ezra: that did nothing.
Mel Brooks: Look the entrance to king Robin’s lair.
Zeb: Let’s go!
Batman: I’m Batman!!!
Mr D: Yeah!
(everyone runs into the lair)
Kaderath: HiSSSSSSS
(Philip jr. kills kaderath.)
Silas: Wait! Before you go in there’s something I should tell you. You know how I can kill kaderaths. Well that wasn’t just some random mistake made by the writers. Only two things cAN KILL A KADERATH. tHE SPACE SWORD AND OTHER kADERATHS.
mR d: aRE YOU IMPLYING THAT-
SILAS: YES. i AM A KADERATH. bUT LET ME EXPLAIN! i’M A GOOD KADERATH...i’M NOT OBSESSED WITH TAKING OVER OTHER HOSTS. I left my home before the great kaderath inquisition when we all were forced to convert to the religious belief that our king was our God.
Mr D: He’s trying to trick us! Run!!!
(Everyone runs away from Silas.)
Voice: You dare challenge me!?
Batman: Robin!
Robin: Yes! Now I will kill you!
(Robin Knocks everyone onto the floor).
Obi-Wan: He’s too strong!
Ezra: AHHHHHH!!!
(All the kaderaths in the universe appear)
Robin: Now I will use my time traveling space portal to suck you out into the vat of endless space!
Batman: Hey Robin! Guess What!!
Robin: What!?
Batman: I’m Batman!!!
(Batman throws a batarang and knocks robin into endless space)
Voice: Ha! So you’ve defeated my puppet! Good he was sooooo annoying!!!
Obi-wan: Who are you!?
Voice: Gary! King Gary of the kaderaths!!!
Mel Brooks: AHHHH!!!
Zeb: what do we do.
Mr. Betts: we must use the space sword. Philip! Thomas! You must-
(Portal lights up)
Voice: ahhhhhhh!!!
(Random person is hurled through the portal)
Philip jr. : who are you?!
Random guy: Philip the third.
(Duh! duh! duh!)
Thomas: Shwa?!
Philip Iii: We need to kill the kaderaths!
Obi-wan: Yes.
Silas: Once and for all.
CHAPTER 15:
The final battle (Sort of)
Philip iii: Show yourself gary!!!
(Gary is revealed as a giant kaderath.)
Gary: Die!!!
Obi-wan: What is he!?
Silas: He is evil, In it’s purest form!!!
Mel Brooks: OH NO!!!
(Gary is shown as a trenchcoat and a mouctache floating in mid-air.)
Gary: Die!!!
(He shoots out a tentacle and chokes Thomas)
Philip jr. : Grandpa!
Thomas: Good….luck……..
Philip Jr. : NOOOOOOOO!!!
Voice: Stand back!
(A blinding light flashes.)
Philip iii: What!?
Doctor who: What?
Philip iii: What was-
dOCTOR WHO: bEHIND YOU!!!
(gARY TAKES OUT A GUN AND pHILIP JR. JUKES THE BULLET)
tHOMAS: cOME ON!
(tHOMAS TAKES OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS GARY)
pHILIP JR. : wHERE ARE WE!?
tHOMAS: THE DOCTOR HAS BROUGHT US HERE TO HAVE AN ADVANTAGE.
pHILIP JR. : i KNOW BUT WHERE ARE WE?!
mR d: oN AN ATOM.
Philip jr. : what?!
Mel bROOKS: i CAN SOLVE THIS! sILAS1 lET’S GO!
sILAS: nO IT’S TO-
bOOM!
sILAS: oKAY!
(SILAS SHOOTS A BULLET INTO THE ATOM AND SPLITS IT.)
GARY: nooooooooo!!!
dOCTOR WHO: lET’S GO!
(dOCTOR WHO TELEPORTS OUT EVERYONE BACK TO KING gARY’S CHAMBER.)
gARY: noooooo!!!
oBI-WAN: Ezra1 Help me use the force to push gary into the portal!!!
Ezra: ALRIGHT!!! NOW!!!!!!
(They use their powers to force gary into the portal)
Gary: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(gary disintegrates.)
(Obi-wan and ezra die)
(The portal shakes)
Silas: Let’s go this place is coming down!
(Everyone runs out and aladdin is waiting outside with the getaway car)
Genie: Let’s book.
(Everyone gets in and goes to Aladdin’s home town)
Crowd: HOORAY!!!
Aladdin: YeaH!!!
(Men)
Make way
For Prince Ali!
Say: "Hey!
It's Prince Ali!"
(Genie)
Hey clear the way in the ol' bazaar
Hey you! Let us through-
it's a bright new star
Oh come be the first on your block to meet his eye!
Make way!
Here he comes!
Ring bells!
Bang the drums!
Ah! You're gonna love this guy!
Prince Ali - fabulous he - Ali Ababwa
Genuflect, show some respect:
Down on one knee.
Now try your best to stay calm,
Brush up your Sunday salaam,
Then come and meet his spectacular coterie!
Prince Ali - mighty is he - Ali Ababwa
Strong as ten regular men definitely
(Genie as old man)
He faced the galloping hordes!
(Genie as young boy)
A hundred bad guys with swords!
(Genie as fat man)
Who sent those goons to their lords?
(All)
Why- Prince Ali!
(Men)
He's got seventy-five golden camels
(Genie as male newscaster)
Don't they look lovely June?
(Girls)
Purple peacocks he's got fifty-three!
(Genie as female newscaster)
Fabulous Harry, I love the feathers.
(Genie)
When it comes to exotic type mammals...
(Genie as a tiger)
Has he gotta zoo-
(Genie as a goat)
I'm tellin' you!
(All)
It's a world class menagerie!
(Genie as Harem Girl) *At same time as verse below*
Prince Ali - handsome is he - Ali Ababwa
That physique! How can I speak? Weak at the knee...
Well get on out in that square
Adjust your veil and prepare
To gawk and grovel and stare at Prince Ali!
(Harem Girls) *At same time as verse above*
There's no question this Ali's alluring- Never ordinary never boring-
Everything about the man just plain impresses...
He's a winner- He's a whiz- a wonder!
He's about to pull my heart asunder,
And I absolutely love the way he dresses!
(Townspeople)
He's got ninety-five white Persian monkeys
(Guards)
He's got the monkeys!
Lets see the monkeys!
(Townspeople)
And to view them he charges no fee!
(Townswomen)
He's generous! So generous!
(All)
He's got slaves, he's got servants and flunkies..
Proud to work for him-
They bow to his whim-
Love serving him!
They're just lousy with loyalty
To Ali!
Prince Ali!
Prince Ali - glamorous he - Ali Ababwa!
(Genie)
Heard your princess was a sight lovely to see.
And that good people is why-
He got dolled up and dropped by!
(Townspeople)
With sixty elephants
Llamas galore
With his bears and lions
A brass band and more!
With forty fakirs, his cooks and bakers
And birds that warble on key!
Make way!
For prince Ali!!!
Aladdin: AHHHH. Finally home and off of Mars.
Zeb: Yeah…..that’s good.
Aladdin: Well I’m staying here. What about you Genie?
Genie: I’m here.
Ezra: Alright then let’s leave.
Zeb: Hold on. I think I’ll stay here.
Ezra: Okay.
(Everyone leaves except zeb)
Mel Brooks: well we lost our infinite power of wishing until we find that guy again.
Silas: I have a feeling we will.
(Narrator: but little did they know a new enemy was forming in the darkness. An enemy that meowed.)
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 16:
cats
_________________
At the vs.
Kaderath base
_________________
Philip iii: help!
Mr. d: wah?!
Philip iii: the radar of kaderath import is increasing by 75.8%, which will lead us with no comeback to their plan!!!
Mr. d: wah?
Philip iii: i thought you’re an english teacher.
Mr. d: that doesn’t mean i’m a good english teacher.
Philip iii: are you?
Mr. d: HECK yeah!
Philip jr.: son, there are no kaderaths being tracked or showing up on the radar.
Philip iii: then what are these things?
Mr. d: the cats are here!
Mel: and they’re here to stay!
PHILIP III: WHAT CATS?!
MR. D: YEAH, I SHOULD’VE TOLD YOU AT THE BEGINNING OF THE BOOK, BUT MY FORMER CAT, MR. CATSON, IS HERE TO KILL EVERYONE.
PHILIP JR.: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN THIS?!?!
Mr. d: since like…. Book one maybe?
Thomas: what the heCK mike?! We could’ve stopped this two books ago!?!
Mr. d: well…--
(thomas grabs mr. d by the collar)
Thomas: WHAT ARE YOU HIDING dlugozima!
Philip iii: my grandfather would know what to do…
Philip jr.: shut the hell up, son! You didn’t even know my father!
Philip iii: but dad!
Mr. d: release me!
(thomas releases mr. d)
Mr. d: *long breath* the diary. Of philip sr.
Philip iii: called it!
Philip jr.: shut up, son.
Thomas: what about it michael?
Mr. d: okay. First you call me mike, then dlugozima, then mr. d, now michael? Make up your mind, man!
General Catson: meow. I will kill you. Meow.
FYI: GENERAL CATSON IS 17 FT. TALL AND OVER 9,000 LBS.
Mr. d: i can’t believe you would betra--
Catson: be quiet!
(catson shoots laser at mr. d)
(mr. d dies)
Philip jr.: mr. d!
Thomas: it is no use. They are far more superior.
Catson: ya got that right!
Thomas: but we have something they don’t.
Catson: meow-- wah?
(thomas takes out nuclear generator)
Thomas: philip jr.! my great grandson! Run!
Philip: don’t do it grandpa!
Thomas: i have to… it will save the world....
(thomas throws YARN BALL AT CATSON)
CATSON: MEOW. SHoot!
SILAS: I’M HERE.
THOMAS: HOW DID YOU-- NEVER MIND. JUST RUN!
SIlas: NO! I’LL HELP! I HAVE A MACHINE GUN AND ARSEN--
THOMAS: LEAVE!
SILAS: AHHH!!!!!!!
(SILAS CONVERTS INTO THOMAS)
THOMAS: AHHHH!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE A KADERATH!
SILAS (DEEP VOICE): YES, THOMAS. I AM.
(SIALS SHOOTS TRANQUILIZER DART AT THOMAS)
(THOMAS PASSES OUT)
SILAS: CATSON!
CATSON: I WILL K--
SILAS (DEEP VOICE): I AM ACTUALLY KADERATH 263-78,213, also known as kade. I AM THE LAST EVIL KADERATH IS EXISTENCE. PLEASE JOIN ME TO TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!
CATSON: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!
KADE: THE ATTACK OF THE EVIL CYBORG CATS.
(KADE TURNS INTO A 30 FT. TALL CYBORG CAT)
KADE: now we are ready.
THE END
To be CONTINUED IN NOTHING BUT
LIES iv: ATTACK OF THE EVIL CYBORG CATS
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