A Vegas Virgin? Start HERE!
So you are planning your first trip to Las Vegas, or you finally decided to do it right, huh? I'm glad you stopped by!
Vegas can be completely overwhelming for those that have yet to notch a few trips on their bedpost. Read on for some tips of wisdom from your buddy Grid.
I used to do it wrong, I couldn't find a super awesome website that would hold my hand for me. Sure, my first trip was in 1999. Who the fuck knew what the internet was back then anyway? I was still stumbling through lists provided by Yahoo or looking for the Doritos Corporate website while using webcrawler.
When I first got to Vegas, I freaked the fuck out. I wanted to see/do everything every single day. "Some guys just can't handle Vegas" was definitely me. I hit every casino on the strip every single day. Like a fool, I cross played clubs, making me look like a weaker player, and my feet were killing you at the end of every day.
I wont go into overwhelming detail, you can pull enough facts and stats from the rest of my pages to make sense of "how" Vegas works. So I'll just spend a few minutes giving you a solid game plan to get the most out of your stay. And to save your feet and back from excessive walking.
Before you know it, you'll be barfing in trashcans and negotiating with Hookers just as well as a veteran. So lets begin!
You have checked all of the big websites looking for the best flight/hotel deals out there. If nothing screams value, call the hotel directly and ask for their "Players Rate" or "Casino Rate". Usually they will give you a discount beyond their web pricing, if they think you are brave (dumb) enough to play in their casino.
Expedia, Travelocity, Orbitz ETC are all owned by the same company. So pricing on each is probably the same. It is just a big fucking rouse. BUT they are usually good for a bundle deal. So always check before booking direct. It might save you a few bucks. Don't forget, the resort fees are often hidden on ya. That could add as much as $40 a night!
I'm going to throw some stats atcha now. 27% of all Vegas visitors are first timers. So you are not alone. On average, a Las Vegas vacation lasts 3 nights & the average gambler bring almost $600 to piss away. I know, there is nothing average about you. You are a unique snowflake. You are special. There is no one else quite like you. But since I cant tailor an entire article JUST for you, I'm taking the fucking averages and running with them...
Your flight and room now safely booked, you land in Vegas on time. Follow the signs out to the cab area. If you use Uber or Lyft, it is in the same place, and congratulations for being smarter than most. Your driver will take the best route and your fare will be pretty damn cheap.
But if you are old school, and enjoy yourself a good smelly Cabby, make sure you tell them your hotel and add "Via Swenson, Obviously!". Yes I know it sounds cryptic, but the Cabby will know what it means. You are telling them not to fuck you with a long roundabout on the highway. Swenson dumps you right onto the surface streets, not allowing them the chance to steal your money by long-hauling you.
Some people say "No Tunnel" since you do exit the airport through a tunnel on the way to the highway. But Cabby's are getting wise to it. They might avoid the highway, but creep slowly down the surface streets assuming you are a newby. Saying "Via Sweson" makes you sound like a pro and not someone to be fucked with!
For the love of God do NOT take a shuttle bus. Those cumbersome beasts move slowly and stop at a bunch of other casinos. Don't waste your first couple of hours stuck on one of these things to save 10 bucks.
Now safely at your resort of choice, we will begin with the basics of your 4 day 3 night stay ,and we will use your average (Don't start with me) gambling budget of $600.
Day 1, you just pissed it away! You flew in, you waited for a cab, you waited for your room. You had to take a shit (who wants to shit on a plane? Not me!). Now you will probably want to shower, you just sat in a tube with 200 dirty strangers and who knows WHAT was on that flight. And you are probably hungry.
So explore your new home. Check out the shops. Look around the resort. Get yourself a players club card, if you don't have one already. Stay close to home base. If you got in early enough, hop in the pool. If it's your thing, check out a show there. Remember, whatever you do at home base, charge it to your room!
Printed money is for strippers and slot machines. Use your room to foot the bill. You are gambling after all, who knows if you go on a heater and rack up some points. Err on the side of caution and assume you are about to fuck up the house and win! I'll circle back to this at the end. I can just hear all the questions now...
Day 2, you are itching to get out and explore. Now there will be some purists that might shit on me for saying this, but find the closest station to your hotel and buy yourself a 24 hour monorail pass. For $12.00 you can ride your ass off for a rolling 24 hour period. If you get your pass at 10AM, you can use it for 24 solid hours until 10AM the next day. See how good I am with math!
Why the monorail? For one it is sort of fun. Who doesn't like a ride right? But in reality, it will save you the long walk back to home base, since you will fly all the way down to one end of the strip, and walk back. You will cruise down to the starting point in air conditioned comfort. And if something happens during your jaunt, you can hop back on and shortcut stuff. Yes you can cab/Uber but you will also wait in line to get one. This is fast, fun and cheap. Click below to learn more.
No need to buy your pass in advance. It is the same price once you get there. You can probably get a Groupon for a discount, but are you that fucking cheap? Its $12 for 24 hours! The monorail is just like the ones at Disney. The best thing about them is the fact that they are constant and will drop you off directly into a resort. If you only want to use it once, it is only $5.
So now you need your plan of attack! I have no idea where you are staying, but you do. So check below and find the closet station. This picture will also give you the lay of the land. On Day 2 you will ONLY be visiting the resorts on the West side of the strip. This will make sense soon.
Supersized Version of the above can be found here
Take that monorail allll the way down to MGM if you are staying on the North End of the strip. How do you know if you are North? Get a compass. Or use my cheat sheet.
Bellagio is center strip for this exercise. Any of these would be considered the South End
Aria
Bally's
Bellagio
Cosmopolitan
The Cromwell
Excalibur
Flamingo
Luxor
Mandalay Bay (As far South as you can get)
MGM Grand
Monte Carlo
New York New York
Paris
Planet Hollywood
Tropicana
If you are staying on the South End, here is your list...
Caesars Palace
Encore (As far North as you can get)
Harrah's
Linq
Mirage
Palazzo
Treasure Island
Venetian
Wynn
If you are staying somewhere NOT on one of these two lists, cancel your room and book one that is. If you are new to Vegas, don't cheap out and stay at SLS or Stratosphere, Palms or Rio. All of them are too far from anything. Don't book at Hooters, Circus Circus, Hard Rock or the Westgate. They all claim to be on the strip, but they are off the beaten path.
To keep this shit show rolling, I'm assuming you are staying North, so you need to monorail South. If I guessed wrong, just do all of this in reverse. By reverse, I mean get on the monorail at MGM, it is the first stop, and take that down to Harrah's. Get out and start at Mirage across the street. That will be everything below, but backwards.
First stop of the tour, exit at the end of the run, MGM Grand Hotel. If you don't have one, grab a player's club card here. It is called Mlife, and a review of their club is below. I'll wait while you go read this....
Done? Good.
I wont pretend to know how you want to explore Vegas. I am just giving you a logistical map. If you want to shop more than gamble, cool. Eat more crap than play craps, fine with me. My job is to make sure you get to see as much as possible, without killing your feet, and doing it faster than normal. BTW, wear sensible shoes. Those pumps might look delish, but your doggies will be barking!
When you are good and ready, leave MGM and head for the escalator that will take you out and over the pedestrian bridge to the Tropicana. The Top is one of only 2 casinos on this leg that you cant use that MLife card you just got. Keep that in mind if you are playing.
Here is a picture of Escalator up and over to the bridge that will lead you to the Trop.
When you are done checking them out, there is yet another bridge that will safely get you over to the Excalibur. For God's Sake People, do NOT try to run across Las Vegas Boulevard. Follow instructions!
So now you are close to the entrance to Excalibur. DON'T go in! Well, not yet anyway. You will end up right here...
Hang a left and there will be a set of stairs that direct you to their free monorail. It is more of a tram on a rail, but still. This little baby will fast track you allll the way down to Mandalay Bay.
Get out at MB, take your time looking around, and follow the casino out to their mall. That mall connects you over to Luxor and it dumps you directly into their atrium on the second floor. Give the pyramid a once over and you exit through YET ANOTHER MALL! This is Vegas! Follow that fucker through to Excalibur. As exhausting as it sounds, this really is the easiest way to do Vegas. You are inside, with lots to see, and you are making your way down the strip in air-conditioned comfort.
Exit Excal, and you are right back where you started. Hang a left and cross the pedestrian bridge over to New York New York. The casino so nice, they named it twice. This will lead you directly into the resort. You'll see a bank of escalators on your left, that will take you down into the casino and stores.
Done here? Good. Exit the casino through the side, directly onto the strip. Make sure to take in the facade, one of the most fun in all of Vegas. Hang a left and you'll end up at Monte Carlo. Soon to be renamed Park MGM.
Here is where it gets tricky. Go into Monte Carlo and do your thing. Walk to the back of the property and you will see signs that say "Streets of Dreams". It is on the right side of the resort from where you enter. That is their mall (Oh Vegas!). Walk through the S.O.D. and follow the signs for yet another monorail. This one is free as well. Once you find it DO NOT GO ON! Well, not yet.
Keep walking past that, through a pair of glass doors and you will end up in the backdoor of Aria. Pretty neat huh? Lots to see here, if you want to shop, Crystals is there. If you don't care, avoid it. Lots of fancy pants stores in there. If you are that fancy, why are you reading my trash?
Just like the game Dragon's Liar, you now get to make a choice. Do you want to see the Cosmopolitan? If so, go through Crystal and out to the strip. Cosmo will be on your left.
Yes Cosmo? Finish up and walk over to Bellagio. You can see where they butt together in the above pic. I will warn you, the walk from Aria, through Crystals and out to Cosmo is a long fucking hoof. Your card wont work at Cosmo BTW. They are the other casino that you cant use an Mlife card at on this tour.
No Cosmo? Good, that makes this easier. When you are done with Aria, go back to the Monte Carlo (Streets of Dreams) monorail we bypassed and take that free ride monorail over to Bellagio.
No matter which way you slice it, you will end up at the B. From Cosmo you will enter via the strip and into the shops. From Aria (monorail) you will enter through the Bellagio Gardens. Either way, you HAVE to see their atrium.
NOW that you are out of Bellagio, it is smooth sailing. See if there is a water show going on, schedules are posted online here:
You will cross over yet another, very safe and convenient, pedestrian bridge. Stay on your side of the street and you will end up at Caesars Palace.
I know it looks awesome, but you aren't allowed inside today. Walk along the street side and you will end up at Mirage, where you can use your fancy new Mlife card as well.
That should be more than enough sightseeing for Day 2. Not satisfied? From Mirage, just outside their porte cochere (I had to google how to spell that), you can get on a free monorail (tram) that will dump you into Treasure Island. Your Mlife card won't work here like it did at MGM, MB, Luxor, Excal, NY NY, Monte Carlo, Aria, Bellagio & Mirage. So keep that in mind if you are gambling.
From TI, you can take a bridge over to the Fashion Show Mall. Still full of piss and vinegar? You can keep walking all the way down, past the mall, and you will eventually end up at Slots A Fun and Circus Circus.
Did you want to backtrack? No sweat! You are holding the magic monorail card! Go back and do more of what you want! Cant find that cool slot machine you saw at MGM anywhere else? Go back! Want to pick up a shitty plastic dragon from Excal? Go back! Use the monorail pass. The 24 hour pass is just $1.00 more per day that a one way fair. So even if you just use it once, who gives a shit.
Day 3, you head back to the monorail and use your VIP pass. Start the day early, this is your last full night in town. We will use the same assumptions, that you are staying North so we will start South again. This time you will get off at Bally's / Paris. If I guessed wrong, just do all of this in reverse. By reverse, I mean get on the monorail at MGM, it is the first stop, and take that down to Harrah's. That will be everything below, but backwards.
The monorail will dump you into the small underground mall at Bally's. Take the escalator up to the casino and get yourself a Total Rewards card. That fucker is good for most of today's journey. The breakdown of that club is below.
Take a good look around at Bally's, which should be easy, not much going on here, and follow the exit over to the Paris mall. When you come up from the escalator from their little mall, it will be on the left hand side. Bally;s & Paris are connected together. Should be plenty to see at this resort.
Exit Paris onto the strip, and head South on foot. Right next door is Planet Hollywood. Don't forget to check out there mall. Once you are done, we will now back track. Leave the way you came, walk past Paris...
And past Bally's this will give you the opportunity to see Paris's facade and to shop at the bazaar in front of Bally's. You couldn't see this earlier, I had you walk indoors from B to P.
If you like cheap shit, set up in tiny buildings, maybe you'll find something cool at the Bazaar. Fuck knows I never have. List of their shops is below.
You done dicking around yet? Good. Take the outdoor escalator next to Bally's up and over to the Cromwell. Explore and exit back to the strip and you are straight into the Flamingo. Spend some time in this classic. She is the oldest dame on the strip. And she sure looks like it! I kid, I kid, well not really. Make sure you head to the back of the property and check out their Flamingo exhibit. It is free!
Done looking at freakishly large pink birds? When you exit the Flamingo exhibit, hang a right. There will be several large doors in front of you. This leads you into the outdoor mall portion of the Linq. Here you will find bowling, a giant Ferris Wheel and plenty of places to eat & drink.
Just like Bally's, Paris, Planet Hollywood, Cromwell & Flamingo, the Linq casino uses that same Total Rewards card you got. So go ahead and use it!
Leaving the Linq, keep walking North and you will immediately be dumped into Harrah's. Not much to see here. No real shopping, but they have plenty of games and you have a player's club card that you can use.
Exit Harrah's back to the strip and cross the street over to the Mirage, don't go in, that was so yesterday. There is no bridge here, but they do have a proper crosswalk. Make a left once you get to that side of the street and you will be right in front of the Forum Shops at Caesars Palace.
This should be the highlight so far. Enter the mall and figure out how to wind through it to get to the casino. I have been taking this path for nearly 20 years and I still fuck it up once I get inside. I go left when I should go right. I'm sure you will figure it out. If you want a peak at what there is to shop at, here you go.
You are now on the North End of the strip. Walk back the way you came, towards Mirage, and you can cross back over to Harrah's and keep heading North to the Venetian. You will walk past Casino Royale. Go in if you'd like. I don't, I prefer my gambling a little less icky.
Here they have a big well themed mall. Some great places to eat, and a fun casino, where I have never ever won anything. But she sure is purdy!
Go ahead and get a club card here as well. Shits free anyway, and who knows right? That same card can be used next door at the Palazzo. So you might as well. Both the Venetian & Palazzo are connected, so you can avoid the heat and the bums outside. Just follow the signs.
Leave the Palazzo, via the back of their casino, and exit to the strip once more. Right across their pedestrian bridge is the Wynn. Get yourself their card while you are at it. Free souvenir on the Steve even if you don't use it.
The Wynn is connected to the Encore, same club card if you are playing. And that completes our journey for today. You have now seen nearly every single casino and resort on the famous Las Vegas strip.
Day 4, this is your last day in Vegas. Hopefully you were smart enough to book a late flight out. If you charged anything to your room, and you played some with your card in the casino, go the the players club booth and see if they can take anything off with your play.
If you stayed at an MGM owned casino (Mlife card) or a CET owned casino (Total Rewards card) you will have at least 2 days worth of play built up. And your play at any of their casinos will be lumped together! Pretty cool huh? Now you see why i kept you playing at the same club all day. This is why you concentrate your play.
Hopefully they give you something, but at the very least they will use the points you earned to take some money off the bill. Don't be stupid and use your card at Bellagio (or wherever) today. If you logged one solid day playing with that club card, and small play today will ruin your average. And we want those bounce back comps.
Always give the players club booth your proper email and home address when you sign up. You just seeded all of Las Vegas with "New Player" money and they just might send you an offer to see what more you can do for them.
If you feel like you haven't gotten your fill of the strip, leave your bag with the bellhop and tell them you are checking out. For a buck a bag, they will keep your shit safe. Go back and see/do what you want. But...
Now, if you are really feeling adventurous, and we have enough time, take a cab, Uber or even the Deuce Bus downtown to Fremont Street. Obviously take your bag with you, if this is what you want to do.
Some people don't like Fremont. It doesn't have the same "Sex" of the strip, but she is pretty fun once you let your guard down. You have 8 casinos on Fremont proper, and two more if you count Downtown Grand and the El Cortez. Which I don't.
Take a look here and see if this tickles your asshole. Seeing both the Strip and Fremont makes for a complete vacation. You can even drop your bags off at any hotel there and just tell them you are checking out. What the fuck do they know right? When you are done, catch a ride from here to the airport and call it a trip.
Is Fremont Right for you? Click here and see!
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