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Flight out of town at 2PM. That puts us on the ground in Vegas by 4PM.
We have returned to Vegas for our anniversary every year since we got hitched there. Even now, with a pair of smelly kids in tow, the tone of the trip has changed. But the fun is just a little different now
The girls were all excited about an airplane ride, until they fucking got on one. Peppa Pig makes air travel look so glamorous. Wide aisles so their fat pig asses can fit on a plane. But in real life, Spirit doesn't give you enough room for a human to fit on a chair, let alone a family of swine.
It was horrible. But I'll suffer through a few hours of slap fights and groin stomps to get to Vegas...
Day One
We land right on schedule and breeze through the cab stand. For the first 3 nights of the trip we are shacked up at Treasure Island.
Comped, in the Petite Suite, with $375 in free play. They are running some slot promo, called Pirates Booty or some such nonsense, that kicks out even more free play when you hit certain targets.
The room is nice, it had two shitters. Which saves someone the embarrassment of having to piss in the sink, if your roommate was on the throne. We didn't have any such issues. But I do piss in the sink, just for fun.
Big tub in bathroom number 1 and a decent sized shower in number 2
Not much of a view, we were on the top floor and could see both the weed store behind us, and a wonderful freight train that chugged along all night. But still, Vegas Baby!
We grab a couple Italian Beef sammichs downstairs, and now being 7PM "home time" I leave the exhausted ladies in the room and go seek my fortunes...
Wasting no time converting that $375 I start with $100 of my money and quickly get that built up to $585. $485 profit on $375 of free play is fairly solid.
I love me some Texas Tea! In all flavors, except Texas Tina. I have long held a grudge with that bitch.
Cash out that ticket, pocket the $500 and slip what was left into one of my favorite games, Monte Carlo. Now she is an older Gal, but she usually puts out just fine.
$115 with two spins is sort of shitty, but a win is a win.
Move over to her Giant Sister, Mega-Sized Monte Carlo, and finally land the $100 Instant Pay symbol. I was $95 into this beast before cashing out up $5.
I start to go on tilt a bit after this. I lose that $155 ticket, plus another $200 of my money. I sort of freak out when I'm fresh off the plane in Vegas. So many things I want to play.
In all fairness, it did take me about an hour to lose that money. So it really wasn't that bad, plus I'm still on house money.
Yes, I know, as soon as it becomes cash it isn't the houses money any more. But a gambling addict doesn't think in such rational tones!
I ended up chasing my loses on the right nickle machine. $5.00 bet, and 26 total free spins later I end up winning over $300 in a solid bonus round. So now I'm back to where I started, money wise that is.
I drive that $360 TITO down to 80 bucks before getting an OK WOF spin.
I then take that ticket back up to $220 on Sherlock Holmes. I start to ride the roller coaster of wins/loses for the next hour or so. All on the same TITO (Ticket In / Ticket Out) , I keep pulling myself back up to even.
It's like Vegas doesn't want me to lose!
I do finally crap out, but I didn't lose any of my stake money. Just that $500 in converted Free Play.
Yes, I would rather have that $500 back, but I'm OK trading it for roughly 5 hours of nonstop $5ish bets a pull. It could have gone much worse!
Day 2
Today we cash in some MyVegas rewards at the Mirage. MyVegas has been going downhill for years now, but any way for my cheap ass to subsidy my vacation is still good by me.
Total MyVegas haul for the trip:
2 free passes to Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay (redeemed online before we flew out).
1 BOGO Buffet at the Mirage.
1 BOGO Secret Gardens at the Mirage.
1 BOGO all day monorail passes (Don't start with me on the monorail)
The kids are still on Midwestern time, good thing the Mirage buffet opens at 7AM. The wife gets them ready while I head down for a smoke break.
That break ends up costing me $300. So I'm now finally down real money for the trip. I knew what I signed up for!
The Mlife booth opens early enough, I get everything loaded on my card and we are off to eat. The kids eat free, so it costs me like $22 for the entire team.
Once they load the comps on your card, you are on the clock and a gambling day has started. Just tossing that out there for anyone that uses one of these rewards, and wonders why your offers took a shit.
I do have $30 left in express comps, so the meal costs me nothing.
We have eaten the Mirage buffet before. its OK. Not much to be had for breakfast, only a quarter of the stations were open. One guy making omelettes, and that line consisted of nearly every person there.
If you wanted eggs, he was your only chance for survival, or else you eat that yellow powdered shit they have sitting in the trays.
To this animal below, any eggs would do. Powdered, dropped on the floor or covered in ants. She gives zero fucks.
Bellies full of mediocre food, we walk through the lobby. Always a crowd pleaser here
We head back the long way. We woke up before the free tram that connects us to Treasure Island does I guess.
Plenty to see between the two properties, so no complaints.
We then pop in on the Venetian to kill some time before the rest of the city wakes up.
I never get tired walking through this place. I must have done so at least a hundred times in the past. Outside of some random candy, and maybe a food court visit, I never actually spent any dough in here.
But it is still fun to just be in this atmosphere.
.
Nothing says Venice like a Transformer made out of garbage!
We work our way over to the Palazzo, but not much to see there...
And we end up near the entrance to the Wynn. I have stayed, played, won and lost at every single property on the strip. Except for the Wynn.
The Steve and I have a long standing feud. And he ramped up the hatred when he banned strollers in his properties. I'm sure many agree with this move, it just seems like a pretentious asshole thing to do.
He is currently making plans to remove his golf course out back, and add something called Paradise Pier, for... Families! The same people this cock has long tried to keep out.
Good luck with that Mr. Wynn. But I will give the man credit, after that cheap Mirage buffet, I had to take a massive shit. What started as a simple funny fart, that did draw cheers from my kids, turned into something more sinister.
So I abandoned the family and ran into the Wynn. Steve, you are an arrogant Prick. But your restrooms are clean, and you have some of the nicest toilet paper I have ever used in a public shitter. I will give you that much.
Cross over to the Fashion Show Mall, the girls head up for a well deserved mid-morning nap and daddy hops a now moving tram back to Mirage.
I'm on the clock with Mlife anyway, so why not? I love being at Treasure Island, but I cant just sit and play at one casino while I'm in Vegas. Why even BE in Vegas if that was the case?
So I look for games that I cant play at ti. Anchorman? $177 bonus after just a few spins? I'll take it!
I had to battle with this one for a little while before finally getting a bonus of $95. My $100 seed money is now up to $300. I cash that ticket out, stick $200 back in my wallet and gamble on with the rest.
I got sucked in by the lights on this one. After a fast $160 bonus, I now have my $300 ti loss back. Good job Vegas!
Back to ti and I'm holding my own. I would have thought the below would have been a handpay, but its just $86.
Just farting around with a hundo until the girls are up, I took that down to $40 and up to $225 before cashing out even on the below.
Everyone finally gets their collective asses in gear, and we head up to the tram & back over to Mirage.
We have done the Habitat before, its a nice way to relax in the sun without killing your feet. My local Zoo is under 20 bucks and the place is massive. Over 220 Acres crawling with nearly every tybe of vermin you could imagine. This place? Not so much...
If this place was anywhere but in Vegas, $25 a head is a rip off. But BOGO, kids free and in need of family activities, we play sucker...
They are never this nice to each other back home. Vegas just makes everyone happy I guess.
These two sleepy fucks didn't move an inch the entire time we were there...
They did end up suckering me in for a picture pack. One 8X10 is $25. Or you get a 4 pack plus a fancy custom picture frame for $50. I wasn't down on the trip, so why not. I'd piss away $50 in 2 minutes on a machine any way.
We grab dinner and get the girls tucked in, then Daddy heads off to roll the bones in the casino. Figuratively anyway, I dont actually play dice. I'm all about that big win. So I'm a sucker for slots.
This Cleo game is super hard to find, but ti has it. ti has a ton of older games that still payout decently. $220 hit on just a $4.00 bet. I'm back up for the trip!
Like a fool, I end up losing that on a bunch of random penny dogshit games like the below. I'm lucky I pulled $100 out of this chunk of shit, since I was over $200 into it!
The wife shoots me a text after an hour or so, and she asks how I was doing. I told her I was up $200, but now I'm down $400. That's a $600 swing in just over an hour. I was going to burn off what was left of my TITO then head up so we can switch off.
Literally, as I'm typing out that text, I trigger the bonus on this game below. I have no idea what its called, I was only playing it since I wanted to bet high and chase my losses. I know, I know what kind of stupid fucking thinking is that? But it worked! Bet more, win more!
I head back up to the room, with all my money back for the evening and I tag the wife in while I watch TV with the big kid.
Mama doesn't play much, and like a good wife she let's me off my chain to go back down and play. Good thing too, I was just pacing in the room and staring out the window at all that Vegas glory (and weed store) that I'm not partaking in!
Back to the grind, and I hit an OK $80 bonus on good Ol' Texas Tea.
I shit away most of that playing this stupid game. At $6.75 a spin, my money went fast.
I eventually lose that $100, plus another $200. And I start to go on tilt. I have been gambling my way out of a hole all trip, so the only logical thing to do is to find a game that I can bet higher on.
And it fucking worked again! $360 hit on a $6.75 bet playing Marilyn Monroe. If I would have landed a bonus symbol, my bonus game would have paid off X 15 times. It would be like betting over $100 in the free spins. But I won't bitch, I'm back out of the hole. For now...
Flush with cash once more, I head back over to the Mirage to try and pull another rabbit out of my ass. Things start off well, I get a $106 bonus game on Batman.
While I do like gambling at Mlife properties, I absolutely despise their "Specialty Slot" horseshit. Those are the machines that give you 1 point for every $10 of coin, instead of their standard 1 point for $3 coin.
I hate wasting comp money, and I love earning points. I know it shouldn't bother me that much, but I feel a certain anxiety while playing "specialty" games like this.
Almost as if I know I shouldn't, yet I'm forcing myself to. It's just a greedy way to not have to return as much to the player. Some machines here reward you with a penny in comp + a penny in free play for every $3.00 risked. That's a good deal, the best on the Strip even. While others it takes more than triple that same play to earn the same comps.
Fuckers...
Rant over, I'm still playing here. And to their chagrin, I'm still winning! But that doesn't last for long. While I did win $104 on the below, I lost that, and my batman money and $400 more. I left Treasure Island with all my money back for the day (trip) and just handed it right over to the Mirage.
I've done stupider things, and that's the risk you take. $400 isn't going to make or break me. It's more of the moral victory of getting even, only to over compensate the wrong way.
I take the sad, lonely tram back over to ti. I grab a horrible overpriced sub sandwich from CVS, and I hunker down to play some video poker.
I do OK playing Ugly Deuces Wild. But not winning back my money starts to get frustrating.
So I switch over to video Black Jack. $20 a hand. I get up $100 fast! And then down $200 even faster. I turn around and slip my last Benny of the night into a Wizard of Oz slot. I did hit a bonus almost right away, but I didn't get too excited since I've been fucked in this apple bonus more than once.
But not this time! $532! My best hit of the trip! Vegas, you done me good. I gamble off the worthless $25 left on my ticket and I head up to bed. I do lose $100 today, but I did so in a glorious fashion!
Day 3
I could hardly sleep with all the excitement the past couple days. Sure its thrilling to win money. But I'd go as far as to say it is even more thrilling to lose, and win it back, then to just win and coast it out.
Speaking of winning, same routine... The wife readies the kids, I head down to smoke and this time that cancer puff paid off. $160 hit on the original Lobstermania.
Everyone together again, we head over to McDonald's for breakfast. All of these choices in Vegas, but the kids override all voting today. Its a nice jaunt down the strip...
We fart around on the Strip for an hour after eating, before getting the little one back for an early nap. We have a full agenda today, and the last thing we want is a pissy toddler.
I go back to Larry and that beautiful crustacean is still shitting out cash.
I took him for a hundo this morning, $77 and finally a nice $430 bonus where I Lobster picked the shit out of it!
So far, I'm up almost $500 on the trip now.
Everyone awake, we grab our MyVegas BOGO passes for the monorail. A quick hack for those that play the game. You are only allowed 3 redemption's in a 30 day window. BUT, you can redeem 3 online every month.
So if you work it out in advance, you have up to 90 days to redeem most of them, you can cheat the system by claiming more than you can use. How is that not worthless?
The only catch, you cant use more than 3 in one place. I could use 3 at Mirage (or any MGM property) and then another 3 someplace else. They have zero way of knowing what the fuck I did at Mirage.
Its not like the Monorail lady will call the Mlife booth.
I understand the Monorail is not for everyone, as one of my previous entries set off a shit storm. But we like the Monorail. It's almost like a theme park ride. So it's fun to us.
Hop on at Harrah's across the street, and before you can say "Man did that elevator smell like Hobo piss!" we are at MGM.
Grab a bite to eat in their food court, Johnny Rockets is overpriced and shitty, and we cross over to the Tropicana so we can then cross over to Excalibur.
Grab THAT free monorail over to Mandalay Bay so we can use the free Shark Reef passes. We have done the Reef nearly every trip, its nice and there is a lot to see in a smallish space.
But nothing ever changes. Well, not that we notice.
This baby octopus would end up being the third grossest thing we saw this trip.
And no visit would be complete without a trip to the gift shop. The little one conned me into a stuffed Stingray. It's as if she knows I have some extra money on me.
Take the free monorail back to the Crappy Castle and head in for some Fun Dungeon.
This place is big, lots of games of chance, kiddie rides and a Dairy Queen. They were in heaven.
Take a look at the face on the little one, when she was on the Batmobile. It made noise like it was rumbling along, and she took things fairly seriously.
Back to the Trop, over to MGM and back towards home base. We could have killed hours on this end of the Strip. But they were getting tired of walking so much.
With another day of family time in the books, I head back down for my last night at ti. I lose a fast $200, then finally get a bonus game for $112 to slow the bleeding.
First spin bonus on House of Cards. Super boring, I won't be back....
I get back my $200, almost to the penny. Before crashing back down to $200.00. You can see that decline below.
From here on, I slide further down on the slots. I was doing pretty well all trip. But it was a hard night. I end up down $600 after three days. really not bad considering all the coin I drove through the slots. That is a ton of action.
I empty my account of points, and turn 13,000 slot points into $130.00 in free play. Plus I had two swipes for the Pirate Booty game, that won me $25 & $45 in free play respectively. Plus I had enough points to convert another $50 in Treasure Chest credits.
All told, that's another $200! Of which I converted nearly dollar for dollar on video Poker. ti still has some decent poker, one of the last places on the Strip. Knocking my losses here down to $400.
Final total for ti, 13,000 points = $1.50 coin-in per point is roughly $20,000 through the slots in 3 days. $7K a day in average coin should keep my offers flowing.
In the end, I was helped by a total of $575 in Free Play. That's a decent haul!
To read part 2 of this report, just click below
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