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Empathy Cafe: How might XR more effectively mediate conflict?
Conflict is a normal part of life. In this Empathy Cafe, we will use the Empathy Circle process to discuss and take tangible actions on; How might Extinction Rebellion more effectively mediate, facilitate and resolve internal (and external) conflict?
Meeting Outline
Welcome and Overview
Participant Introductions
Empathy Circle Breakout rooms.
Circle 1 - Edwin
Circle 2 - Bill
Full Group Debrief Questions:
Summarize what came up in your empathy circle?
Participant List
On Arrival, Add Your: Name, Location, XR Group, any Contact Info.
(Willing to *facilitate an Empathy Circle in red)
*Edwin Rutsch, SF Bay Area XR, CA, XR Empathy Work Group,
*Karolina Kubiak, XR Trójmiasto/Poland, XR Empathy Work Group,
*Bill Filler, SF Bay Area, XR Empathy Work Group, s
*Marta Neto, XR Cork (Ireland)
James Green
Eva
Sinead
Sally
Bob Brown
Empathy Circle #1: Facilitator: Edwin
View Video ON FAcebook or ON Youtube
Edwin's notes
Edwin Topics
Definition of empathy - in the video.
How to go deeper into the felt experience. - start by saying what you feel in the moment. And make a guess of what they feel.
Like 4 people to a group.
People like to push and test the container.
Summary - wide ranging
Conflict is rife in the XR community.
Question of how to promote the EC in XR
Not wanting it to be forced but is an invitation
Ideas for how to promote.
Ending on questioning the container of the Empathy Circle
Saying your Not feeling fully heard
What does it mean to be heard?
Diversity in these groups.
Is easier than many processes.
Lot of the questions are actually mentioned in some of the preparatory
James
People like choice - want to say what I want. -
EC can say what you want.
On the political left people say, dont hurt my feelings. Here you can say what you want.
You can attack.
The authority issue. - people don’t like to be told what to do.
I want to support the container.
Kevin
XR doesn't have a lot of diversity
Would like to have more diversity. Would like to see more indiginous participants. Would like more people of color.. The process would spread.. People would take the process back to their communities.
Andrea
Had a desire to respond. Would like other ways of responding.
Micro conflicts. - a lot of conflict is avoided.
Gender issues came up in some empathy circles.
Something about not abiding by the rules?
Noticed that Sinead was not really heard
Problem: Conflict is rife in the XR
Conflict is rife in the XR community.
People have the same goal and that holds people together.
Restorative Circles
Restorative Circles are more complicated to carry out. Needs a good facilitator and wouldn’t trust just anyone.
Empathy Circle
Empathy Circle is simpler, it is a simple first step.
I’d like to see Empathy Circles as an initial protocol.
Just going through the process of repeating what people say is helpful.
We are creating a facilitator team. Our team is not willing to do empathic listening. They see empathy - reflection as offensive.
I am fascinated with the empathy circle and the different layers. The understanding is at different levels. We go for love but go with empathy. We start at a more superficial level and people can go deeper as they wish.
The superficial empathy is cognitive, and you can slowly go layer. The empathy can sink deeper. Peer based practices are better in some ways than facilitator based. Facilitators do not always get the support they need.
James doesn't use the word empathy but likes to use the word paraphrase.
He sees silent empathy
Problem: Some people do not want to do empathic listening.
People are against it.
Likes to hear different perspectives on Empathy
Glad to address how to mediate with conflict.
Cognitive Empathy and definitions of Empathy
maybe we need to personally and group define what empathy means.
Perhaps we should only hear what people are saying
Sharing people's pain.. Just hearing their pain. That is a good step with any communication and especially with conflict.
Bring heart into the discussion. Like the word mediate. Because she doesn't want to ‘avoid’ conflict.
I want to bring more heart than brain to the discussion. If you only deal with knowledge.. You need love to better address conflict.
Like the word empathy, it brings the brain and heart together.
Empathy is an easy way to meet.
Problem: there is a vulnerability in doing an empathic reflection. We can have anxiety around reflection.
James Notes:
Eva: Title of this meeting is How to Mediate Conflict. When mediating it’s like sharing rather than avoiding ideas. The word avoid, I want to avoid it. I like and wish I could avoid that word. The conflicts we have in our lives is because we want to avoid people and their feelings. We don’t welcome ideas we don’t like. The word mediate allows us to address the conflict. I’m also working on bringing more (I’m not a pollyanna but not afraid to show that part of me) but I want to bring more heart than brain to the conversation. Brain messes up the conversation. Working only with knowledge shuts down the fact that there are different knowledges. You need love to understand people. I have a feeling I’m comfortable with the word empathy than the word love, to bring it closer to brain. When things are hard, it gets tangled with the thoughts of love. The word empathy lets us meet in the middle between the words heart and brain.
Kevin (passes) I’m not good at this. I want to practice listening and answering. I’m following along and I want to get better at paraphrasing and reflecting. It’s challenging because my mind races. So I’m pumping the breaks, because I’m anxious.
Edwin: For dealing with conflict in XR, I’d like to see the empathy circle become a foundational practice. Meetings would start with empathic listening, and it would get embedded in the mindset and way of being within XR. Build from there. It’s an initial gateway. Easy first step. Other tools can be added later, like restorative circles and other tools. I have a desire and vision to spread the empathy circles widely within XR. James was saying, some people just don’t want to do the active listening. Real resistance. Suspicion. Locally in San Fran. People say they just want to talk normally, but then people dominate, some are quiet. Normal structure has a structure too. The more verbally aggressive tend to dominate. Yes, power over. They say we have to work, push, do actions. One strategy is to do these empathy cafes to get people familiar with it. Another is to get the co-founders and spokespeople to engage with them. That will help to give it legitimacy. I also want to support Kevin. It’s just a practice. We’re here to support you.
Andrea: I’d like Eva to listen. I was just surprised, with sweaty hands and anxious about listening and reflecting. Resonating with Kevin. There’s always vulnerability with it. It’s what I took away from the conversation with Skeena and Rupert. I was referring to my own experience about having sweaty hands and doing it right. That the vulnerability is always part of this. I find myself really intrigued around these ideas of empathy circles. I’ve only been in touch for not a long while, but familiar with other ways of authentic communication. Fascinated with how it happens on so many different layers. I think there is what you called going for love, but starting with empathy. I experience often when we start off. Cognitive distant empathy. But it’s for us to take it deeper. A process of sinking through layers. Each person can go for that step of deepening the conversation and I like seeing that in different circles. And I am quite confident that it can sink through to deeper levels which I think we really need. I’ve been involved in conflict resolution, DNA, restorative circles. I share Sinead's wariness. I think peer based practices are sometimes safer than going with facilitation that is not grounded enough. I often think the facilitators in XR Germany don’t get support for themselves where they can deepen their capacity for holding. Talking about RC, where they go into conflicts and bring much more active practices to conflicts. In contrast to this which is more peer based.
Eva: (to Sinead) With all the experiences with empathy, and the term cognitive empathy, makes me wonder if we should start by defining what empathy is. In my personal understanding. As a group and at the personal level. I’m wondering if it would help to hear in the beginning of an empathy circle. That we’re not supposed to continue the conversation with ideas. We’re only here to hear what the other person is saying and reflect that. For example, when a child hurts himself, he needs to hear that it’s ok and that I share your pain or discomfort. Does not need to hear why they are hurt or why the accident happened. Does not need explanations, just needs to hear that he you understand he is hurt. That’s a good step for any communication, but especially conflict. I hear you and take your opinion as valuable. I don’t have to mention if I agree or disagree with it. Andrea, I like that, being at the level of witnessing what you are saying. Stop the conversation there. On the other hand, at the level of empathy or love, I know where I am. I don’t have to prove what I think about the situation unless a person asks. My theory is that if you listen without explanation comments, a time will come where they ask what you are thinking from an empathic space/way.
Sinead: (to Edwin) I’m choosing you partly because there are some things I want to share around myself and empathy circles that are relevant to what I see you drive in XR. I really appreciate what you’re bringing and I suppose I see an energy or real strength in a way I believe in. I’ve had other experiences of others through NVC. I appreciate the steadfastness with which you are holding this word empathy, and empathy circle in particular. I suppose there’s something I have been thinking about that I notice, don’t know if I’m right or wrong, but I hear a slight concern that comes up that I never shared. I like when there’s choice. I see choices as an important part of life. But it isn’t always there in ways we don’t always see. In the empathy circles one would be that when people feel they have to say they feel heard. They may not feel heard. But they are willing to respect the boundaries of 4-5 min. I feel uncomfortable that I am asked to say I feel heard. It’s expected of me. Others don’t like that one. I’m kind of… I’d like everyone to feel ok, and know that I’m not breaking the rules if I don’t say I feel heard. At the end of the 5 min… I’m not sure what I said, but there’s something about saying I feel heard that does not feel right. I don’t like having to say it. I’m asked to say it. I’m uncomfortable that others are asked to say it, when they’d like to pass it over. Now we’re at the point… You don’t want to say it, but you want to pass it on.
Kevin: (to Andrea) Briefly on the subject title, How might XR be more effective in mediating conflict...what I’ve noticed in the few circles that I’ve been at, there does not seem to be a lot of diversity. More diverse backgrounds to broaden how to talk about responding to conflict. With more diversity you may have more ideas of how to address more real time problems, how they are having conflict in their particular group. That’s one thing that comes to my mind. What I’m really trying to say, not just within my street group, but also within the empathy cafe, I have not seen a lot of diversity in the discussions I’ve been in. If we were to try to get more people. I invite as many people as I can. If there were a way to build more diversity of people attending these online events, that’s my goal. I agree it’s great to have the founders looking at the empathy circle process. I’d be equally excited to see indigenous people participating so that we can broaden the discussion of conflict that is happening in real people’s lives. And after that if we were able to have more people of color participating in these online discussions, I’d expect it to proliferate itself, and finding more people accepting the empathy cafe process, and they’d go back to their communities and drive that and see this process spread more quickly.
Andrea: (to Sinead) A lot came up for me while listening to you and Edwin’s response. I noticed I prefer this group to be smaller or have more flexible rules around conversing or both. Sometimes there was a wanting to come in for some reason. Thinking about how this format is done. For myself I have coined the term micro conflicts because I think a lot of conflict is avoided, and it keeps group homogeneous. But when I listen to you Sinead, I really felt something resonate in me around the sticking to the rules, raising our voice, that kind of thing, and didn’t think it was about having not absorb the rules adequately. I find it confusing when listening to the video about saying I feel fully heard. I don’t know if it’s ok to say, but I saw the recording if you, and felt you were not heard, nobody’s fault, but a matter of fact. Cross searching those different circles, the topic of female-male gender dynamics, came up in different circles, and felt unhappy about how it could be said. Different for a woman to say I’m not abiding by these rules. It’s a timely thing that I’d like to see happen. Too much but I’ll let you reflect.
Sinead: (to Edwin) I’m going to go again with you. There’s something about choice that’s important to me. Hearing it in a few different ways. This possibility, sounds like imposing empathy or process on people for empathy. For example, direct actions, more that I would not want to impose it. Really important that there is always an invitation, and that’s what special to me. Great that it’s there. I might not always attend. Rather than that I’d have to do it. Can I just keep going? There is a patriarchal nature, not intended, not personal to you Edwin, but something more going on, I started to talk last time, a history of white men imposing what they think is best on the rest of the world, and I don’t want that to happen within the empathy circles. There is a domination white male issue that has brought the world to the way it is right now. Not just the mens fault, but that is the leading aspect of killing of numerous indigenous cultures, importation of food we don’t need. Empathy space is a beautiful space to listen to each other. And I’d hate to think of that imposed upon anyone. Expected that if they want to abide by group rules or social rules. That they have to do empathy circles. I would hate that. That would ruin the choice and quality of the circle.
Edwin: (to Eva) Interesting. Whole white male thing. I have an issue with that. There’s empathic space. It’s not gender specific. For me we’re looking...we create this empathic space and quality between us, and want to develop that way of relating. I’d say women have as many ways as men of blocking that empathic energy. And different groups. I don’t romanticize indigenous cultures or people of color, or women. We all as human beings have these ways of blocking empathy. Let’s have our ways and add our intention of having an empathic connection. For example, some people are self righteous, I know what’s right. Some people do that, some people withdraw, some get angry and intimidate others, others talk and talk and don’t give others space for others to be heard. I want to humanize these blocks. A lot more to say but my time is up.
Eva: (to
Empathy Circle #3: Facilitator: Bill
View Video ON Facebook or ON Youtube
Bill:
As a special needs teacher leading a team, I would ask others
Others:
We must persist on spreading information/facts about the climate crisis whether people are listening or not
Use the urgency and total priority of XR in every relationship
Move from doom and gloom to possibilities, from fear-based to possibility based, we can find a way if we are not fighting
Millennials and other generations have different viewpoints and skills of listening are important ones for these times
Everyone needs to trust the goodwill of others (all) - we must be generous with what we expect of others - objectors usually hold important information for the group that we can learn a lot from and
Return to Main Circle:
Marta: About men groups and men. Generally, beyond the pain, if it’s fully expressed there is vulnerability, surrender and being fully present.
Bob: A powerful experience with this great group of 5 folks. Reminded of an eternal truth. Well being comes from pain and honesty. Grateful for people accepting those from me. Again a tremendous blessing to be part of it.
Karolina; The person who brings the conflict should be welcomed as the center of the issue we need to deal with. Welcoming person to understand the problem we have in our group or community. The objector is the sensor of the issue. That’s the most important thing for me.
Eva: Thank you Bill. Today I was able to hear different circles and levels of empathy. How different groups of people are defined in different ways. Gender, cultural background, like the people of the couple last centuries. We have some burdens. Inspiring to talk about that. To mention women or indigenous people, it’s like we all have a background and want to talk about our burdens in ways that might upset other circles, and that should be ok. Some of the conversation was so dear to me, and I’m still processing that, and it was nice to not be fully heard. I want to be ok with that. I want my listener to be ok that I won’t necessarily give a good reflection. They can correct me. That brings a good quality to the communication too.
Andrea: Where to start? I enjoyed the circle. I was very much at ease and enjoyed that in my view there was conflict coming up. Difference being expressed and I enjoyed that. I agree that is a very liberating thing to say, no I’m not fully heard this time around. At the same time, I wish for containers that are dedicated enough where we come back and say I really want to get this at a deeper layer of understanding. Those topics were on our minds and hearts and I enjoyed that.
Kevin: In our group we established that the potentially the rigidity of the process needs to be challenged at times. And I need a lot more practice.
Sally: I had a wonderful time within the group. The idea that pain and struggle and moving ahead really hit home for me. Failure and moving ahead. Big thoughts, experiences of growth in my life. Conflict. I have to say that conflict is good and if you can bring it to the surface and have a white board where you write it down and put it in the parking lot and come back when everyone is calm. I really enjoyed today’s group.
Sinead: Really appreciated listening to everyone’s perspective. I found it a quite diverse perspective which I enjoyed. The longing is for me to get more into those conversations and I might have to accept that these happen slowly. I would love to have more.
Bill: Talking about very profound things, working through pain, to emotional trust and to effective action. Honored to be with people who struggle with that and I don’t feel so alone.
Edwin: I heard that conflict is rife within XR. Questions about the process. Not wanting it to be forced. Wanting it to be an invitation. Saying we feel heard when we don’t. What does it mean to be heard or have a more diverse group. Dynamics of the circle is that it’s easier. NVC or RC are more advanced. Many questions that came up are in the intro videos. The difficulty of bringing everything into the circle. I enjoyed the container of it. That’s how we’ll do innovation. So I appreciated those comments.
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