2020-02-07 Conflict
Empathy Cafe: How might XR more effectively mediate conflict?
Conflict is a normal part of life. In this Empathy Cafe, we will use the Empathy Circle process to discuss and take tangible actions on; How might Extinction Rebellion more effectively mediate, facilitate and resolve internal (and external) conflict?
Short URL: http://bit.ly/38aAvnp
Meeting Outline
Welcome and Overview
Participant Introductions
How To Empathy Circle Video
Empathy Circle Breakout rooms.
Circle 1 - Edwin
Circle 2 - Karolina
Circle 3 - Bill
Full Group Debrief Questions:
Summarize what came up in your empathy circle?
2. Participant Contact List
On Arrival, Add Your: Name, Location, XR Group, any Contact Info.
(Willing to *facilitate an Empathy Circle in red)
*Edwin Rutsch, SF Bay Area, CA, USA. XR Empathy Work Group, EdwinRutsch@gmail.com
*Karolina Kubiak, XR Trójmiasto/Poland, XR Empathy Work Group,
*Bill Filler, SF Bay Area, CA, USA. XR Empathy Work Group,
*Marta Neto, XR Cork (Ireland)
Bob Brown, Ventura, CA USA, Empathy Tent
James Green, Syracuse, NY, USA.
Helena Eichler, Frankfurt (Germany),
Sofia Tvedby Sweden Malmö
Leah Jay, XR South Bay (San Jose, CA, USA)
Mary Anne, USA
Rosa Zubizarreta, Great Barrington, MA, USA. www.diapraxis.com
Cloe Menteath South Africa XR
Jayb, South Africa XR
Off Off (Germany),
Patrick
Stuart
?
?
Empathy Cafe
Main Full Cafe with Empathy Circle #1: Facilitator: Edwin Rutsch
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(See YouTube Generated Transcripts) This is a link to the raw YouTube generated transcripts. You can help clean up the transcripts.. When you watch the video, you can follow the transcripts and create full sentences, add punctuation, etc.
Empathy Circle 1
James - does an empathy circle process that is different.
people being expelled.
Interested in difficult people and exclusion.
He is the person who has been expelled.
Has fear of being kicked out.
James: Questions re process, is this really random?
Want more guidelines for chat use.
Edwin: James goes for the jugular. Appreciating the challenge. Trusting that the process will hold and take care of us. It’s true that the break up into groups is not random and you did separate Sofia and James for the break out groups.
Rosa: Feeling some energy hearing that people are bringing conflict to our event. You are under the impression that this is a beginners introduction to empathy circles, and a place to talk about XR.
Chloe: Coming with an open mind. We had a mediation day here in Capetown that used similar techniques. Interesting to see it done live in this format. A healing day and empathy circle was part of it. So tired. We can never leave. Entangled with different people, the existential threats from climate emergency, stressed over the course of the campaign, overwhelmed, no clear exits. Like James, I don’t like lots of administration, watching videos. Don’t like self-help books. Important to keep our minds open.
Mary Anne: Thanks to Roza for telling me about the circle. I felt immediately engaged when James started speaking. I noticed that I wanted to ask him questions right away. Like about the word attack. I felt excited because I’m very frustrated, tired of people not being able to express themsevlves especially if they have something different to say, especially when they think someone can’t accept something they will say. They think they ought not to say something different. To say “I don’t like this” and to perceive that as an attack, there is a ton of emotion under there.
I might be feeling some of the emotion in James. Or, how can it be an attack if I just don’t like what someone is doing. Part of me is stirred by the idea that if I want something different, that is perceived as an attack. I long for places where it’s truly ok to show up with all of our differences and hear them. Also I really value being real. I could feel myself engage by James speaking and also Edwin being real. My system calmed down when Edwin said “it’s kind of random, but not”. Acknowledging what was going on. Honesty is very attractive to me.
Rosa: I really enjoyed listening to Mary Anne. She was speaking about how much it matters to have a place where people can share different perspectives and have it be welcome. She also talked about how it stirred her up that James said a different perspective would be perceived as an attack. James said “I don’t like what you’re doing” and then that it would be seen as an attack. Just the thought that it could be perceived as an attack was hard for her. It’s not equal in Mary Anne’s mind.
Leah: It’s good to see some people from South Africa. Exciting for me. Feels better about being in XR. Not so isolating. In general, I feel frustrated in XR. Had direct experience with conflict in our group. We did an expulsion process. I had to do it. I’m still very sad and frustrated from that conflict that we had. I’m from San Jose, California. I would love to, I need healing from that. I want to feel heard and hear other people’s experiences of dealing with these kinds of things. Our group has been around for almost a year, which is a long time. Frustrated we have not been able to grow. Talking to other people, like nice people here, will help me to grow.
JayB: Want to appreciate everyone. Introduced to XR from sister Chloe. Over years things did not go alright. Someway things did not go ok, but we had time to heal. For now I am alright to see there is a platform to take my problems to the people and hear what they think. Secondly, for all taking part in XR, there are lots of things that need our time, energy, and all of we. All the people doing this far and near, I’m honored to be around these people. We need to save the earth. For extinction, on the other side, we should encourage each other how to communicate. We are different people. Teach one another how to cooperate and what to focus on. To believe what the mothers and sisters say. I’m a rasta and so I call women mothers and sisters, and they call us brothers and kings. One love. Rasta is not a religion, it’s a way of living life.
James: Gathering thoughts and feelings. Empathy Circle format that I use is a little different. I do a weekly circle. We go where the energy is, not sequential order. We make room for chaos and order. I have perennial fear of possibly getting kicked out. Meaningful to hear that Leah was participant in an expulsion process. I have often been the expelled person, have lots of thoughts and feelings about it. Have compassion for situation that Leah is in. Have very strong interest in this topic. Word that I use, “attack”, would keep to that word, I use that word very intentionally. I fear that if I brought myself more fully into circle, that Edwin would kick me out. Afraid to be fully authentic. Have had so many experiences of being kicked out when I am honest. Want honesty from others, as well.
Mary Anne: I resonate with what James is saying. I recognize for myself, being really honest, that’s a theme for me, even in ordinary conversation, I feel pressure to say the right thing, to take on the culture that is quietly being imposed, even as I say this there is a lot of pain in my heart, so an inability to be there will all of myself and all of my feelings. Does not have to be in a group, but say in family and family culture, just people in general, difficulty being my authentic self. I like that James wanted to keep the word attack because that was true for him. And it occurred to me that I don’t like that word. I don’t like to think of attacking because of difference. But I want to acknowledge that so that I can be on the other side of hearing what is difficult to hear. For example, as if I’m a nice Canadian driving into the US and I say something different and there is a big burly American who feels attacked and he lashes back. There might be room for me to appreciate whatever is going on in the other person. That could be a place for me to become bigger, wiser and grow. It’s a hope. I’m not there yet. I’m still with the pain. Pain of potential disconnection. Not sure what the pain is.
Edwin: In terms of ground rules to the empathy circle, it’s a process that we agree to, when it’s your 4 min you can say whatever you want, yell, attack, and hopefully in response the listener will just say what they heard. In return you are agreeing that whatever comes back at you, you empathize with that. There is a space for being empathically heard. In time (I see Rosa has her finger up and not sure what is going on, anyways…) I’m getting confused. The speaker gets to speak during that time. Everyone else is quiet until it comes to their turn as a speaker. There’s a lot in politics, political correctness, watch what you say… not here. Say what you want. It’s really about that.
Leah: I feel like this is a problem for me in the group. In XR south bay and groups like this. I’m perfectionistic and need to be very careful all the time. I”m sometimes around people who are a lot less guarded and that puts me in a strange position sometimes. In that fear I look forward to getting less fearful and getting to speak more openly. I hope we can have a more comfortable affinity around each other so that this is less of a problem. Some people need a lot of comfortable space before they can speak openly. Others are more assertive and say what they need to at all times. We’re looking for a better environment where both personalities can be effective and heard. The process I went through recently, I was the bad guy. I was the person to fire, expel, let go of, whatever, no word is comfortable. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do psychologically. I never want to have to do that again. I feel afraid and guarded about how I can avoid doing that again. I’m looking forward to environments where it’s not necessary. Feel positive and afraid at the same time.
Chloe: I had some thoughts sitting here. I didn’t know there was an expulsion process in XR. Makes me nervous. What if I get expelled, like James was talking about. Some things about the campaign. I’ve always been part of a process of suicide, not listening to the system. Some people in the movement are very conservative, corporate, white, it’s really frustrating. I’ve had to almost exul people from my digital space during XR, because otherwise I would have gone completely mad, because I’ve been attacked, antagonized, they were paranoid, interfering, had an agenda. I still feel part of a big family of people all around the world. I know there’s only so much time on this planet and that we may go extinct, that’s really intense, I sometimes don’t know what to do, and thinking about the global dynamic think maybe we are in the right place at the right time.
Rosa: Feeling very moved. The theme of exclusion touches a lot for me. I was for 3 years, 4th-6th grade, the kid no one talked to. Had very intense experiences of being scapegoated. No one in family to talk about it with at time. I think one of the reasons I became a facilitator I don’t like seeing people being scapegoated in groups. Scapegoated, bullied, intense exclusion. And at the same time I know boundaries are important. It’s important to be clear in groups agreements that we’re all making. So I don’t, it’s not like I think we should tolerate everyone if they are behaving inappropriately. Important that we have processes in place to create mutual understanding, and as much free will as possible. Like people can see that if these are the rules of the group people can decide to opt out on their own.
Mary Anne: A lot comes up for me. I watched last week’s video. So much on conflict there. I loved it. And this time also, a lot coming up. I don’t know where exactly I want to say. I’m noticing the listening here feels really particular. The speaking could be to community or to the center of the circle. I don’t know, not sure about it. Maybe they could speak to the center through the listener. I’m less certain about describing… let me pause and see what I want to say. I’m feeling really excited at the potential here for healthy communicating. I’ve had lots of experiences in my life where when I set a boundary I lose relationship. And I see going into the future it’s really important to hold hands with each other and walk into the future together. So I greatly value the efforts being made to deepen the communication between us. By deepen I mean bringing more of ourselves into it.
Empathy Circle #2: Facilitator Karolina
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(See YouTube Generated Transcripts) This is a link to the raw YouTube generated transcripts. You can help clean up the transcripts.. When you watch the video, you can follow the transcripts and create full sentences, add punctuation, etc.
Empathy Circle #3: Facilitator: Bill
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(See YouTube Generated Transcripts) This is a link to the raw YouTube generated transcripts. You can help clean up the transcripts.. When you watch the video, you can follow the transcripts and create full sentences, add punctuation, etc.
Return to Main Circle
What is your summary of what came up in the Empathy Circles around Conflict?
25 min of introductions, administrative information and video watching at the start of the call
Debrief after breakout groups
Leah: New to the process but hopeful.
Bob: This weekly circle is one of the most important things I do. So joyful to be in the circle. Looking forward to being here again next week.
Mary Anne: New experience for me. I appreciated a lot. The care for the speaker by the listener while I wanted to respond. I could stay with my wanting to respond. And the speaker was receiving good listening with a dedicated listener.
Rosa: Really happy to be here. Grateful to Edwin for holding the space.
Karolina: The circle was strange. I experienced difficulties listening. Tired. Interesting to listen to people who have a lot of experience in listening. Experienced facilitators in their life, dedicated to hear.
Marta: Taking away that this is a safe space where I can empathize with the capitalist and not be wronged by it. Refreshing. Beyond the circle, there is a need to explore more platforms for exchanging ideas in XR.
Off Off: Interesting to see this method. I’m familiar with active listening. To make it in a group has impressive power. I think it’s an important stone in building and working with conflict. A need to find many more stones. A big task.
Patrick: Good to finally make it here. Appreciate these are being held so regularly. Feels valuable for us all to practice real listening. Interested in the structure of 4 min. Sometimes enough time to connect, other times not. A particular container with it’s own effect.
Stuart: Hearing the different things that people are valuable. Enjoying this form. I found myself being touched on something and then talking for a while, didn’t feel the need for more time for ideas to develop in the group. First time I’ve done something like this.
Sofia: I felt disengaged today. I don’t know why. We talk about creating safety in the group, that that is important. I really agree with that. Also talked about how some people don’t want to solve conflicts. That’s also an issue that can occur in the group. We never found a solution to that. Creating safety seems to be a big thing.
Chloe: Grateful to have sat in this chat tonight. Part of a great family all around the world. Enjoying learning more about the empathy cafe for dealing with conflict.
JayB: My first experience a few hours ago. It was extraordinary. Great to see more brothers coming through. Nice. Uplifting people emotionally and spiritually, where you can express your thoughts and have someone reflect. Really looking forward to hearing more of that. Big up to the floor. A new beginning again to fit in and cooperate.
Sally: I have not really been able to participate in these as much as I want. The safety in the group that came up as an issue. The leaders will have to take that on if it’s necessary. I know that between the beginning and the end my listening skills improved.
Helena: I’m still processing a little bit. First time. Towards end of break out session I began to appreciate the technique of active listening. I can really imagine it provides the safety of speaking to someone you are otherwise afraid of speaking to. Now I understand how it works and I also notice towards the end of the break out session something started to change in my perception. Speaking started to mix with listening.
James: Have healthy distrust of leaders. In Empathy Group Edwin admitted that he separated us intentionally. Let’s be honest about process, if we are going to engage with conflict. Glad I am not being kicked out, sure that there are some people who would kick me out if they could.
Bill: There is an inherent safety to the rules. To address time limits, that is not set in stone. We are trying to balance listening and getting everyone involved. I enjoy people who are struggling and try despite their struggle and fears. That’s the greatness we need to be successful in this.
Edwin: We like to have smaller groups. In our group the topic came up around exclusion. Fears of being excluded or of excluding others, dynamics around that. Sharing of times we’ve been excluded in our lives in childhood or recently, in XR, and the pain that comes with doing the excluding. The empathy circle is a space to be heard in terms of the structure of what you say. During your time to speak you can say whatever you want. And you wll be empathized with and heard to your satisfaction. Sometimes you are close enough. That is the underlying intention. So while you are speaking you will not be excluded. I second what Bill is saying that there is some safety, but in our container some difficult emotions came up. That happens but the container helps to hold that.
Rosa: Skill building level. Dealing with smaller conflicts. Bigger conflicts. Restorative Circle process. We can’t tackle our hardest conflicts here. Many skills are still left to learn.
Edwin Report Back:
"Exclusion" came up.
Topic of Being excluded.
Fears of being exclude or of having to exclude others
Times we have been excluded in our lives. Recently or in childhood.
Excluding others and the pain of it in xr
Empathy circle as a space to be heard, no matter what you say..
You will not be excluded in your time to speak. But rather will be heard to your satisfaction.
"Safety" - the circle creates a container which creates a certain safety
I appreciate hearing what is under the surface.
About the Empathy Circle
Generally have more time, 5 min or more. And longer time for the empathy circle
This is a beginning taste of the empathy circle and we want to support everyone in be a facilitator.
See you next week. Next up is the facilitator support group.
"Glad to have participated in another one of these weekly sessions. One of the few open spaces I've seen to engage in live conflict online. I have been pushed out of countless similar spaces online for various reasons. Many use the excuse of being teaching spaces for engaging conflict, and do not follow through with engaging actual conflict - a sign that what they are teaching has serious flaws.
I'm grateful to Edwin Rutsch for the work he has done consistently over the years to support dialogue across differences, especially in the realm of politics and activism. What he and their team of facilitators have built has the potential to transform communities online and offline simply by creating spaces for everyone to be heard. In a political and cultural atmosphere where authoritarian responses are becoming more common, it not an easy feat by any means."
