Abusive Relationships

Realizing that oneself is currently in an abusive relationship is the first step to empowerment, giving them the courage to stand up for themselves and fight back against their perpetrator. Abusive relationships are serious because they negatively affect a person’s overall well-being and, in extreme cases, could even turn fatal. Although the reader may not currently be in a relationship themselves, they may have suspicions that someone they know may be trapped in an abusive relationship. The National Coalition of Domestic Violence states, “...on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States.” This proves that domestic abuse is a serious problem in the United States, and needs to be addressed. But abusive relationships do not always have to include physical abuse. Abusive relationships can include physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, or financial abuse. It is a common opinion that physical abuse is almost always worse than emotional abuse, since physical abuse can leave the victim in the hospital. But emotional abuse can leave deep scars that will negatively affect someone’s behavior or mental health for the rest of their life.

• Emotional abuse is when the abuser makes the victim feel bad about themselves, making them seem crazy, or playing mind games.

• Financial or economic abuse is when the abuser keeps the victim from getting a job, forces them to ask for money, giving the victim an allowance, or taking their money without their permission.

• Sexual abuse is when the abuser forces the victim to participate in sexual activities with them without their permission.

• Verbal abuse is when the abuser uses speech to their advantage, decreasing their victim’s self confidence and adding to their feeling of helplessness.

• Physical abuse is when the abuser causes injury or trauma to the victim by punching, slapping, kicking, and usually results in bruises or other marks.

It is important to acknowledge that these are not the only forms of abuse. For example, the perpetrator could isolate the victim, controlling who they talk to, what they do, and where they go. The perpetrator could also carry out threats to hurt them, claim self-harm or commit suicide, or report them in an attempt to get what they want from the victim.

The cycle of abuse is what keeps victims trapped in an unhealthy relationship. Understanding the cycle of abuse is critical for stopping it. First, there is a build-up in tension between the abuser and the victim. The abuser gets easily irritated, becomes hostile, and may verbally bring out their anger on the victim. This is when the victim may feel like they are walking on eggshells, or that the perpetrator is a ticking time bomb. The second stage of the abuse cycle is the act of abuse itself (physical, emotional, financial, etc.). The abuser does this on purpose to maintain their power over the victim. It may happen once or multiple times and it can last from a few minutes to several hours. The third stage of abuse is the reconciliation. This is when the abuser apologizes, or does something for the victim to “make up” for what they did. The abuser may blame their action on something else, or even deny what they did. The abuser may also downplay it, making the incident appear less extreme than it actually was. The last stage of abuse is the honeymoon stage, or the calm stage. Both partners continue with the relationship like “normal”, pretending like nothing happened and the incident is forgotten about. If the abuse is not dealt with or confronted seriously, then the cycle continues again to the build-up stage. Usually, the cycle becomes more dangerous and extreme as the relationship continues.

Many abusive relationships start out incredibly romantic and seemingly perfect. Both partners are delighted and hopeful about the future of the relationship. The abuser will come off as charming and very affectionate, which acts as bait for the victim to be lured in. The relationship will move quickly and feels intense. The abuser may start to show signs of possessiveness, but the victim will often be tricked into thinking that it is simply protectiveness and that it is normal, or that it is a “sign of love”. The victim may feel that they need to spend 100% of their time, effort, and attention on the abuser in order to keep the relationship steady. The victim will slowly start to lose touch with their friends and family, starting the form of abuse called isolation. The abuser wants this to happen because they want the victim to depend on the abuser as a source of support and no one else.