Meet our children 'where they are at' developmentally

Your child has lots of different areas of development. Some are things we can see, such as physical (motor) skills or language development. Some are less obvious such as their cognitive (thinking) skills, and their social and emotional skills.

These areas all develop at different times and different rates so your child could be ahead in one area and still have some learning to do in another. For example, they might be OK with some of their ‘visible’ areas of development like their language skills. That can make it hard to see that their social and emotional skills may be at a different stage.

This will be especially true at times of stress! If we remember this, it can be easier to empathise with them and to modify what we expect of them and how we support them. Like all of us, when our children at at their very worst, it is empathy that they need. And empathy is what helps us to feel close and connected to people.

When your child is displaying behaviours that are worrying or annoying it is sometimes good to think: “Is this a “Can’t vs won’t” situation?”

When we are feeling anxious we can lose skills; so the demands might be ahead of what we can actually manage to do. As adults we are able to think about this and do something different until we feel less anxious, but for children with young brains they are more likely to have a tantrum, or refuse to do things or seem like they are being unkind. This can be their way of saying “I can’t manage what is being asked of me”.

You can try:

Explaining it a different way

Chunking the task down into smaller steps

Reassuring them you can help them or they can ask for help

“Is this a Can’t or Won’t situation?” is relevant at all ages, but especially in toddlerhood and again at adolescence.