Lesson Three in English

Lesson Three: Why do Children Do What They Do?

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Last week we continued to build on making deposits and encouraging your children. We also talked about play and how important it is for you to play with your child and follow his/her lead. You were going to try to find time to play with your child. How did that go? What kinds of things did you do? How did your child respond? Was it hard to follow their lead? How did you feel? Did you see the benefits? 

 Today's lesson will help us understand, Why do children do what they do?

You have probably asked yourself that question many times! 

Sometimes when children do not have an appropriate way to communicate a message (e.g., talking, signing, using picture symbols), they often resort to using challenging behavior (e.g., hitting, screaming, spitting) as a way to communicate to others what they want and need. A child who has limited social skills, or who has learned over time that engaging in challenging behavior will meet his or her needs effectively, may also use challenging behavior instead of language…even if he/she has language.

Simply put, children engage in challenging behavior because it works for them! It works for them to send a powerful message, which results in the child obtaining something (e.g., attention, toy, food) or avoiding/escaping something or someone (e.g., a demand, attention, stimulation).

To demonstrate this, let’s look at a video to see if we can determine what the child is trying to communicate. As you watch the video, see if you can 1) describe what you see the child doing and 2) determine the meaning of the behavior. 

The video shows a mother and child going into the library

What did you notice in this video?

What behavior got your attention? 

What do you think the child was trying to communicate? 

Would you consider that videotape to be an example of challenging behaviors?

Different people might have different views about what is considered to be challenging behaviors. You have probably seen situations where you silently say to yourself, “Why is that parent not doing something about her child?” Something that drives you crazy may not even bother the person next to you! The families and cultures in which we were raised and our personal experiences have formed our emotions and beliefs about many things—including child behavior.

Values and beliefs often involve strong emotions, and our actions often have tremendous influence over whether our child’s behavior gets better or worse! Sometimes the things we do to try to make the challenging behavior stop actually makes it stronger! And don’t forget that children bring their own personalities to the mix. Some children are tougher, and some are more sensitive than others. 

Now, let’s go back to our discussion about behavior. Does trying to determine the meaning of behavior make you want to go home and observe your child? Do you want to try and see if you can figure out why he/she does some of the things he/she does? It is fun to try to figure out your child’s behavior! It is kind of like being a detective. The more you observe, the more clues you will have to figure out why they do what they do.

Let’s look in your Positive Solutions for Families Activities (above) at the Things to Try at Home—Activity 9. Take a few minutes to look at the form.

As you can see on the form, you will be observing your child when he/she is using a challenging behavior (one of those that you would like to see less of—from last week). You will look at what happens before the behavior starts and record that information. You can check one of the areas on the form or write down what happened before the behavior began if it is not listed. Then observe what happens after the behavior stops. Again, you can check one of the areas on the form or write down what happens after the behavior stops if it is not listed. You will also try to determine what you think your child is trying to communicate!

Now that we have discussed how to use the form, let’s practice by watching the same video that we watched earlier. Let’s see if we can use the form to observe this child’s challenging behavior

What did you see? How did you describe the challenging behavior? What happened before? What happened after?

Now that we have practiced, you are all ready to be a detective for the week! This will help you look for “clues” to try to figure out why your child does what he/she does. This might even help you begin to look at your child’s behavior in a new way. You will notice that you have several copies of this form so you can practice observing your child on several different occasions.

Time Out-slide 5

When behaviors happen, we may need a time-out. This is a strategy that most families have heard of, but let’s talk about time-out. 

• A time-out may be necessary for some behaviors and for some children. 

• Time-out is effective when the behaviors are done to get the parents’ attention. 

• Time-out may also be used when a child is so angry or destructive that he/she must be removed from a situation to calm him-/herself. When children engage in these types of behaviors, parents are usually very angry and also need a chance to cool down before they address the behavior with the child.

If you use time-out with your child, it should be implemented in the following way:

 Step 1: When the challenging behavior occurs, provide a very brief explanation (such as, “You cannot hit me to get my attention, so you need to sit in time-out until you’re calm.”) and immediately guide the child to sit in a chair. Do not interact with the child, either positively or negatively, while the child is in time-out. 

Step 2: Time-out is brief, usually 3-4 minutes. Set a timer for your child or let him/her know you will watch the clock or your watch. Only end time-out if your child is calm. If he or she continues to be upset, state calmly that “when you are calm, you can leave the chair.” If your child gets up from the chair before the time-out is over, calmly guide the child back and tell him or her, “You must sit in time-out until you are calm and the time is up.” It is very, very important that you do this calmly and with a minimum of talking to your child. 

Time-out works because the child can’t get your attention by using the problem behavior. If you talk to your child (either explaining calmly or being angry), your child gets your attention.

Step 3: Once the time-out is over, the child can return to an acceptable activity. You can calmly remind the child to behave appropriately by saying, “I’m glad you are calm, you can go play; remember to …(e.g., use your words, solve problems with words, share your toys, etc.).”. This statement should be brief (not a time for a lecture) and positive. As soon as possible, praise your child for appropriate behavior in that activity. 

Slide 6: Common Mistakes: Time-out 

Be careful about using this technique correctly. You should never:

 • Angrily threaten your child with “time-out” if he/she does not behave. You must calmly state to the child the behavior you expect, and then state (calmly), “If you cannot ___, you will go to time–out.” 

• Allow your other children to tease the child in time-out.

 • Apply time-out after the episode has occurred as a delayed punishment (for example, giving a time-out after arriving home from the store where your child has misbehaved will not be effective).

 • Use it as your only approach. We have reviewed many approaches; they should be used to teach your child new skills. 

• Scold or berate your child when putting him/her in time-out. You must be calm. While time-out can give you and your child time to calm down, it does not teach your child a new skill. 

Remember that you must teach your child new ways to behave, express emotions, and solve problems. 

Slide 7: Make Your “Expectations” Clear 

Now I want to give you an additional powerful parenting tool to think about. That tool is to make sure your child knows what you expect. Often we give children information about what we do not want them to do without ever really teaching them what our expectations are! What do we want them to do? You may have even given up on asking your child to do things because you are so frustrated by his/her behavior. So, stop and carefully consider if your child knows what you want them to do! 

Some behavior occurs because your child doesn’t know how to act differently and some because your child won't. Either way, it helps to know that your child is not being expected to read your mind. 

Give one clear instruction at a time. When confronted with challenging behavior, we tend to conclude that the individual either can’t or won’t do otherwise.” Can’t suggests that the child lacks a necessary skill or ability. Won’t suggests that the child has the necessary equipment but appears to be deliberately refusing to engage in a more desirable behavior. And remember we tend to react differently depending on which way we’re leaning. Or sometimes we just freeze because we’re so uncertain about why the child is doing what he/she’s doing that we don’t know what to do next.

In the middle of a challenging situation, it can be very hard to determine whether the child’s behavior is the result of a “can’t” or a “won’t” situation. Here’s a good rule of thumb: When in doubt, assume “can’t”—at least until you are able to get more information about the child in same or similar situations across time. A very important approach to getting a better understanding of “can’t” or “won’t” is to be very clear about what you’re expecting in the way of desired behavior. And an excellent technique in that regard is to give just one instruction at a time. 

Can your four-year-old make his/her own bed? Will your four-year-old make his/her own bed? Maybe. Especially if you walk through the process with him/her. Ask him/her to begin by taking the pillows off the bed. Then pull up the sheet first on one side and then the other. Bed too close to the wall? Practice kneeling in the middle of the bed to pull the covers in place. Take it step by step until the bed is reasonably well-made. 

Slide 8: What’s a Better Way to Say? 

Some directions we give our children are just too vague, and a child may not be sure what we want him/her to do! Look at the following examples; can you come up with clear and positive directions for the below examples?

 • Be nice.

 • Be careful. 

• Watch out. 

• Be good.

 • Enough of that. 

• Cut it out. 

Directions are more effective when they are stated in terms of what you would like the child to do instead of what you would like the child to stop doing. 

Now look at Positive Words—Activity #10 

Directions are more effective when they are stated in terms of what you would like the child to do instead of what you would like the child to stop doing.  

Take a look at the “Don’t” column. At times, we may use phrases like this when talking to our children. However, young children often cannot figure out what our expectation is when we say “no, don’t, or stop.” So, we need to tell children what to do instead of what not to do.

 Let’s look at the first example together. Instead of saying “Don’t run,” what could we say instead?  We could tell our child, "walk" or "walking feet", this tells your child clearing what they are supposed to be doing.

To help your children know what your expectations are, let’s develop a few simple household rules. We all probably have household rules that we want our children to follow—but have we written them down and taught them to our children? We are going to talk about ways to create your household rules with your child, teach them to your child, and then use encouragement and positive comments to help him/her learn and practice them. 

Rules for Making Rules

Let’s begin by talking about how to write your rules. For young children, it is best to: 

• Pick only 3 to 5 rules 

• State the behavior you want to see. Be descriptive. What does the behavior look like? 

• Pick rules that can be applied in a lot of situations. 

Read the below sample rules, and decide if these are in accordance with the ‘rules’ for making rules.

1. Be nice to everyone. Is this a good rule? What is it lacking or how could it be improved? Would your child know what this means? Would he/she know what you expect of him/her? Does it state the behavior you want to see? 

2. Don’t tease or hit. Is this a good rule? What is it lacking or how could it be improved? Would your child know what this means? Would he/she know what you expect of him/her? Does it state the behavior you want to see? What does it mean to tease? 

3. Put your laundry in the hamper. Is this a good rule? Would your child know what this means? Would he/she know what you expect of him/her? Does it state the behavior you want to see? 

During the next week, you can write your household rules on Activity #11 – Household Rules form. After you write them on the form, you can put them on the refrigerator where everyone can see them! 

Now look at Handout #12 Teach Your Household Rules. This handout to help to teach your child the household rules. Teaching your child the rules is a really important way to help him/her be successful at meeting those expectations! Remember, we want to make sure they understand what we expect them to do. 

Think about how you will talk to your child and explain the rules. Often parents only teach the rule when the child has violated it. For example, after Joey has hit and punched his sister to get a toy, his mother says, “Joey, you need to go to your room and no snack for you today. You know the rule. You need to ask first.” 

Think about how Joey is feeling at that moment. Is he relaxed? Is he listening carefully? Is he excited about learning new ways to behave? Is he happy to have his mother’s attention? Is this a “teachable moment”? What if that was the first time anyone told Joey the rule? Do you think he is going to learn it when he is upset? Do you think he even understands the rule? 

Think about the last time you were very upset. Perhaps your spouse or partner was 1 hour late meeting you for dinner. You were very angry and proceeded to tell him/her how much it hurt your feelings, and ask why he/she didn’t use the phone to call you. Let’s say your partner responded with “If you talk to me calmly and nicely, I’ll listen to you.” How would you react? Don’t you think you would just be more enraged? Would that be a teachable moment? Probably not! 

Teachable moments occur when everyone is calm and listening. To talk to your children about the rules, you might turn off the TV, and ask them to join you on the sofa. Show your child the rules sheet; read the rules to him/her. After reading a rule, ask your child what that rule means, or show him/her what it might look like. Give an example of a situation and say, “Is that following the rule?” Show your child where you will post the rules. Use encouragement and positive comments when your child successfully follows the rules (“Catch them being good!”). 

Do you think your child will follow the household rules? One way to get children more involved is to let them help you develop the rules. They can be a part of the process. Then you can practice, practice, practice! If you show your child the rules chart only one time and then forget to review it again, and again, and again—he/she is likely to forget what is on it. 

One fun way to teach rules is to use photographs. You can take a picture of what you would expect your child to do and then model and teach your child how to do the expected rule. For example, one rule might be to clean up after yourself. This might mean that your child needs to clean his/her hands after going potty, after playing with finger paint, or after outside play with the dog. “Clean up” can also mean that your child needs to clean up his/her toys. You will need to model how to clean hands (washing at the sink) and how to clean up toys (putting toys in a cabinet or bin). Using a photo while teaching your child will help him/her recall the expectation. It is also a useful tool to use when you tell your child to remember the rule, because the photograph will help him/her recall and do the expectation with more success. 

See the handout below for more information about using visuals to create a routine at home.