Lesson Five in English

Lesson Five: Facing the Challenge (Part 1)

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Welcome back to the Positive Parenting Series. This is the fifth lesson Positive Solutions for Families,  “Facing the Challenge, Part 1.”

Let’s start by discussing your “Things to Try at Home” activities. Did anyone get a chance to work with their child on learning emotional vocabulary skills? What skills did you work on? (emotional vocabulary games, books, the turtle tuck) What did you do? How did it go? How did your child respond?

I think we are ready to face the challenge! We are going to continue to learn strategies that you can use to help your child learn new behaviors. Please don’t feel that you should attempt to use all of these at once. Take your time. Think about each strategy. Choose one to try out and then practice using that strategy until you are comfortable using it. Then you can move on to another strategy. Your goal is ultimately to use these strategies in everyday life and routines without noticing where one ends and another begins.

The first strategy to consider is: Know What Is Reasonable.

Remember that it is important to know your child's abilities and limitations. Expecting too much or too little can lead to problems and frustrations for you and your child. Keep your expectations realistic. When you consider your child’s abilities and limitations, it’s very important to take a look at the entire picture. For example, let’s say that you want your child to pick up his or her toys before bedtime.

First ask yourself: Does my child understand what “picking up your toys” actually means? 

Have I showed my child what it means to pick up your toys? 

Is my child physically able to pick them up and put them where they belong? 

Sometimes the answers may be obvious. And sometimes you may not be so sure.

Second: Even when you’re certain your child understands and is able, there’s still the matter of probability. 

What’s the history when it comes to this task and your child? 

Do you have to remind your child to get started? More than once? More than twice? 

Do you find yourself getting frustrated occasionally? More than occasionally? 

Reasonable expectations include not only what the child can do, but also how likely the child is to actually do it! So what is a reasonable expectation when it comes to a desired behavior such as picking up toys? There’s not a single answer that applies to all young children. But when it comes to your child’s specific abilities and history, you might want to consider “starting smaller and growing taller.” 

For example, you could give a reminder followed by an immediate reminder to begin picking up toys instead of waiting for your child to remember without being reminded Or hoping your child doesn’t forget after you walk into the room, give a reminder, and leave.

What about picking up one toy for every two toys your child puts on the shelf? There’s nothing wrong with lowering the bar a bit in order to get started. In fact, that’s a strategy based on an excellent evidence-based approach called “shaping.” You will have more opportunities to acknowledge success and build from there instead of getting stuck in frustration.

Logical Consequences

Logical consequences are consequences that are related to the behavior in some way. 

Here are a few examples:

A child throws a block at his/her sister—so the parent takes the blocks away.

A brother and sister are fighting—so the parent sends them to play in separate rooms.

Now You Try It!

First, write down 3 challenging situations that commonly occur with your child. Then, think of logical consequences that you could use in response to that situation.

Plan Ahead is another strategy for your consideration:

Try to anticipate what your child may do or may need in various situations. Plan ahead to set your child up for a successful experience. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Always have a backup plan. Planning ahead is the key!

Not everyone likes surprises, at least not all kinds of surprises. And almost no one enjoys disappointment. The reality is that surprises, disappointment, and uncertainty are inevitable parts of life. We can’t surround our children with a protective bubble that guarantees all will go exactly as anticipated or planned. And the fact is that learning how to accept, adjust, and cope with surprises, disappointments, and uncertainty are very important skills to have. It’s just that when you’re three, four, or five years old, it helps to have some extra assistance in the process. 

For example:

1. We want to encourage you to give some serious thought to how your child reacts to surprises and disappointments. We can learn a lot from patterns of past behavior. Some children tend to recover quickly, while others are more likely to collapse into a complete meltdown. How does your child react to surprises or to disappointment? 

2. Talk with your child about upcoming events. Depending on your child’s ability to understand, you can keep it as simple as, “Here’s where we’re going and what we’re going to do” (“We are going to walk to the park to swing on your favorite swing!”) or as wide ranging as discussing something that could happen and what can be done if it occurs (“We are going to walk to the park, and if someone is swinging on your favorite swing, we can play in the sandbox until it is our turn to swing.”).

Present Limited, Reasonable Choices is another strategy to consider using.

Most children are not born with the built-in ability to make decisions and then accept the consequences. Learning to take personal responsibility requires plenty of support and practice. A good way to help is to offer your child limited, reasonable choices throughout the day. 

Here’s an example of a bad choice: “Do you want mashed potatoes, French fried potatoes, baked potato, or sweet potatoes?” 

How could we rephrase this question into a limited reasonable choice?

Example: “Do you want French fries or mashed potatoes with dinner tonight?”

Now, here’s a second element to consider. What should you do if your child decides that neither choice is that appealing, or wants to change his/her mind after making a choice? Our recommendation is that in almost all instances you should stick with your original offer. 

The next strategy is: Say “First.” 

“First, put on your shoes, then you may go outside” is a contingency statement (first-then). Some people call this strategy “Grandma’s Rule.” A “first…then” statement is a simple instruction that tells your child what he/she must do first in order to do something he wants to do. 

The basic guidelines when using contingency statements are:

· Have a positive focus

· Set reasonable time limits

· Follow through

· Be prepared for your child's response; it may be “No!”

If the response is “No,” it is important to be consistent and not allow the “then” to happen.

The next strategy: Redirection

A parent can interrupt a challenging behavior and redirect a child to another activity using either physical or verbal redirection.

Physical Redirection.

A physical redirection interrupts the child’s challenging behavior and re-engages the child in a more appropriate activity. 

For example, a child is playing in the sink and splashing water all over the bathroom. So the parent physically moves the child away from the sink and over to toys in the child’s room. At the toys, the parent sits down on the floor and begins to play in a way that is inviting to the child.

Verbal Redirection

A verbal redirection distracts the child and provides an alternative activity. 

For example, a child might be trying to gain the attention of a parent who is on the telephone with an important call. Another adult would then say to the child something like, “Hey, Ella, let’s go upstairs and read some of your new library books.” Or if you are the only adult in the house, you could have a special “busy box” available nearby that you could hand to your child. The child would then busy him-/herself by playing with the special toys in the box while you finished your phone conversation.

If Your Child Doesn’t Comply (Do-WAWP).

It is important to follow through when redirecting or directing your child. So if your child has difficulty complying, or following your directions, you should Do-WAWP:

• State the “do” direction.

• Wait for compliance (silently count to 5).

• Ask the child to restate the direction.

• Wait for compliance (silently count to 5).

• Provide encouragement or help (helping will ensure success).

Catch Your Child Being Good!

Giving specific, positive attention to the behavior that you want to see teaches your child what to do. When you see a behavior that you would like to see again, encourage it. You don’t have to make a great big deal about it. Just acknowledge it. Tell your child you appreciate it. 

Staying Calm.

When a child’s behavior is challenging, you can either respond to it or ignore it. If reaction is necessary, remember that less is usually best. Acting calmly with a minimum of attention will reduce the risk of strengthening the very behavior you wish to discourage. Remaining calm will also give you time to think about how you want to respond. The more out-of-control your child becomes, the more self-control you need to use. We are modeling desired behavior for our child. When we remain calm, our child learns appropriate ways to respond to difficult situations.

The final strategy we encourage you to consider is to: Use neutral time.

Neutral time can occur before or after your child's behavior. When your child is calm and you are calm, it is neutral time. The best time to talk is when everyone is ready to listen.

See the handout below for more information.