Emotion Coaching

This page is designed to support parents and carers to develop their understanding of the Emotion Coaching approach. On this page you will find a range of information and resources to help you to support your child's emotional development and to learn about how you can use the approach as a parent or carer.

What is Emotion Coaching?

Emotion Coaching is an approach for talking to children about the emotions they are experiencing in a way that supports their self-regulation. It involves listening to the child and talking with them about the emotions they are feeling rather than simply trying to distract or dismiss them. Children are still learning how to label and manage the big emotions that they are experiencing, and this can be confusing and scary. Emotion Coaching is an approach to help children name and understand their emotions, as well as teach them ways to handle these emotions in a positive way. Emotion Coaching conversations help children learn how emotions work and how to react to feelings in healthy ways. These discussions will strengthen your relationship with your child and help them be more prepared for life’s challenges.

A graphic representing the key aspects of the Emotion Coaching approach.

Why Do We Need Emotion Coaching?

Emotion coaching helps teach children how to cope with and manage their own emotions. Often as adults, we can be guilty of dismissing or denying a young person's emotions when all we want to do is make them feel better. It is important to teach children that all emotions are a normal part of life and make sure they know that it is not a bad thing to feel sad or angry or jealous. If we simply tell a child to 'stop crying' or 'calm down' we are not helping them to build strategies to deal with their emotions. We also run the risk of teaching them that it is not okay to feel that way, which may lead to feelings of shame.

Emotions...we all have them. Everything we do and everything we learn is shaped in some way by the way we feel. Feelings are a natural part of who we are. But how do children learn about emotions? How do they learn to understand their sadness or joy? What is appropriate behaviour when these feelings are strong? What can a parent do when a child explodes in anger or hides in fear? Parents and carers spend lots of time teaching children important things such as reading or tying shoes. Taking time to help children learn to understand their feelings is important too.

Research shows that children who understand their feelings and learn about their emotions have these advantages:

They form stronger friendships with other children.
They calm themselves down more quickly when they get upset.
They do better in school.
They handle their moods better and have fewer negative emotions.
They get sick less often.

Poster showing alternatives to the phrase "stop crying" from The Gottman Institute.

How do I use Emotion Coaching?

Emotion Coaching involves following four steps when talking to children about their emotions. By following these steps, children will learn to understand their emotions and deal with them in healthier ways.

A graphic detailing the four steps of the Emotion Coaching approach.

Step One: Empathise

Acknowledge the child’s feelings and empathise

Tune in to your child’s feelings and your own - parents/carers who understand their own emotions are better able to relate to their child’s feelings.
Understand that emotions are a natural and a valuable part of life.
Recognise feelings and encourage your child to talk about their emotions.
Pay close attention your child’s emotions and try not to dismiss or avoid them.
Avoid judging or criticising your child’s emotions.
Try and genuinely empathise with your child and see things from their point of view.
Show your child that you understand what they are feeling.

Step Two: Label

Validate the child’s feelings and label them – use emotional moments as opportunities to connect

Talk about different emotions and when people feel them, this helps to normalise emotions for children.
Set a good example by naming your own emotions and talking about them.
Help your child to label their emotions and help them to build a vocabulary for different feelings.
Naming emotions helps soothe a child.
Identify the emotions your child is experiencing instead of telling your child how they should feel.

Step Three: Set Limits

Set limits on behaviour (if required)

If possible, provide guidance before emotions escalate into misbehaviour.
If your child’s behaviour has been inappropriate explain why, ensuring that you label the behaviour as inappropriate not the emotion.
When children misbehave, help them to identify their feelings and explain why their behaviour was inappropriate.
Encourage emotional expression but set clear limits on behaviour.
Redirect misbehaving children for what they do, not what they feel.

Step Four: Problem-solve

Supportive problem solving – explore solutions to problems together

Help children to think through possible solutions.
If something has gone wrong, have a discussion about what your child could try differently next time.
Don’t expect too much too soon.
Be aware of tempting settings and be prepared to help your child through them.
Create situations where your child can explore without hearing lots of "don'ts."
Catch your child doing lots of things right and praise them for them.

Emotion Coaching Conversation Example

Emma is in P3 and she asks her Mum when she can play with her friend Bethany. Emma’s Mum says she’s sorry, but she doesn’t know and Emma has to play by herself for now. Emma screams “it’s not fair”, slams the door and runs upstairs to her bedroom where she begins to cry.

Click the arrows to move through the images on the right which detail each step in the conversation.

Emotion Coaching Training

We have created two videos on Emotion Coaching to accompany the materials and examples below. The first one (on the left) is a short 15 minute presentation introducing Emotion Coaching. The second one (on the right) is a slightly longer hour long video from when we presented live to a group of parents/carers as part of the Stronger Families Series. It includes the introductory video and then suggestions for getting started, more in depth tips for using emotion coaching in everyday life and time for questions at the end.

Introduction to Emotion Coaching (15 mins)

Emotion Coaching Parents.mp4

Full parent/carer session on Emotion Coaching (1 hour)

Additional Resources

Emotion Coaching UK

To access a range of resources for parents and carers please visit the Emotion Coaching UK page by clicking here.

Parent Learning Hub

Click here to visit the Parent Learning Hub for information to support behaviour, routines and learning at home.

Parenting Counts

The Parenting Counts website has helpful leaflets for parents/carers on a range of topics including Emotion Coaching which you can access by clicking here.

Useful videos

Dr Dan Siegel is an American Child Psychiatrist and author with expertise in brain development and supporting children’s emotional literacy development. Here are some videos outlining how to talk to children about their brains and their emotions:

Dan Siegel - A handy model of the brain

Dan Siegel - Name it to tame it

Pixar's Inside Out

Pixar’s Inside Out is a great film to watch with children to help teach them about the world of emotions. Here is a video clip from the film illustrating Joy dismissing Bing Bong’s emotions and Sadness successfully ‘Emotion Coaching’ him!

Talking with Children about Feelings and Emotions

Being able to talk with children about the world of emotions is key to Emotion Coaching. It's important not to shy away from open and honest discussions about feelings, including some we may perceive as negative, like sadness or anger.

The NCPMI have created useful guides for parents and carers on a range of topics. To view the guides relating to understanding and talking about emotions, please visit our Additional Resource Library by clicking here.

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