Sunday Family Humour 15th September Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Harley Biker

Thanks to Frans

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH !!!

...and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days...

Cadillac Back Hoe

Thanks to David M.

When insults had class

Thanks to Connie

These glorious insults are from an era before the English

language was reduced to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Prime Minister Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

- Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."

- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one."

- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."

- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

- Stephen Bishop

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

- Samuel Johnson

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

- Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.."

- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

- Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

- Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

- Groucho Marx

Red Neck Photos

Thanks to David M.

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Don't step on the carpet!

Thanks to Paul S.

This "carpet" is created every year in the Grand-Place in Brussels. It's made entirely with fresh flowers - begonias. What a breathtaking sight! Isn't it wonderful that there is so much creativity and beauty in this world and the computer enables all to enjoy it.

BRUSSELS IN BLOOM

How's that for a flower garden?

FUNNY CAR CHASE IN CA.

Thanks to Fritz The music on this video is half the fun. This car chase was on the CA-24

toll road in Orange County , CA . This could have been on a Benny Hill episode,

but it is an actual police chase with a woman driver.

History Lesson

Thanks to Frans

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made onthe drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

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