Stopping Arguments

Boy do I have a story for you!

I was at my desk when my coworker started shouting at me! He was very upset, he said, "You're the reason why I got a bad performance review! You probably told them I'm super difficult to work with, didn't you?!

I've got kids at home, I can't afford to lose this job, and you, you have nothing! Get bent!"

It was very rude, I'm not responsible for his poor work performance, I haven't complained about him either. 

I responded, "I'm really sorry to hear you got a bad performance review. 

Getting criticism about being 'difficult to work with' can be really upsetting and I can imagine you're angry.

You seem like a really dedicated father and clearly you care about the company.

Maybe we can sit and talk about this?"

He seemed to calm down a little, and we ended up having a fairly constructive chat

I learned a lot from him, and he learned from me too. 

I'm really glad he calmed down, but I wonder if I could have responded even better. I think it was good enough since it resulted in a constructive conversation and not getting my head bashed in!

I've been reading about communication algorithms, and I think they're the secret to effectively communicating in relationships, even during really tough conversations.

It can help defuse some of the super intense emotions that often get in the way of truly effective human interactions.

Ok, this is a modified version of a technique found in David Burns book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. He is a very big person in the world of CBT, you should check out the book if you can, it's really great!

So, the first step is *empathy* this is a muscle you can build with practice. First, repeat back the words the person said to you.

It's important you use the person's own words, this really helps the person feel heard, and it also helps you process it, so you hear it better too.

Remember when I said, "got a bad performance review," I was repeating Carl's own words back to him.

Next, focus on identifying how the person is feeling

It's not too hard, especially if someone is rushing toward you, shouting and calling you names. Some form of anger, right?

We don't like to accept or identify anger sometimes, but like most emotions, it actually helps defuse it to point to it and acknowledge that it's there. 

So I said, "I can imagine you're feeling angry," which points to the feeling, but doesn't accuse anyone or take on blame.

If I had said. "You're clearly angry and afraid," that would point a little more strongly, and maybe feel like an accusation. 

Next, I paid him a compliment, saying he was clearly a devoted father. Paying a compliment does have to be authentic and come across as genuine to be effective. You have to find something positive to say, this can be difficult when emotions are flying high, but it really helps you and the other party.

People generally find it easier to hear what you're saying if they aren't feeling defensive, even if what you are saying is negative. 

If you're not sure what to say, even letting someone know that you want to make sure you hear them correctly is a positive thing that will help you both. 

If you can deliver just this step of a respectful compliment and trying to understand them, you will see peoples' anger will dissolve in front of your eyes, it's quite dramatic.

Maybe the only truth is their description of their feelings in the moment, but that is still a truth.

The process so far is rooted in empathy, respectful complimenting and defusing. The next step is where you get to say how you feel.

Don't shout at them!

I know that might be how you feel, but you want to begin with "I feel" and it's better to just talk about your feelings than start attacking them back. 

You might even say, "I feel attacked, I feel embarrassed, I feel sad," whatever it might be

The last step is to follow up. Simply ask the person to tell you more, or to clarify something. This way you can show them that you're interested.

Here's the bullet points of de-escalation:

• Rooted in empathy 

• Compliment

• Defuse

• I feel

• Follow-up

...this equals a better situation!

Soon you can learn to be a communication Jedi!

Communication is a skill just like any other, it takes patience and practice.

By mastering this method, you can forge deeper connections and strengthen your relationships with others.

If you find this is helpful, I hope you will consider donating to help support new posts coming out, thank you!