Expectations of Others

I've been reading about why people get annoyed at each other, and I think I've found one big cause. 

It seems that people often tell each other what they "should" do, 

One caveat here, this information does -not- apply to abusive relationships

So I learned about how people often have distortions about how people "should" have around them

For example, I was trying to organize a party to celebrate unholidays, I couldn't pick which ones, so I got balloons, pumpkins, sparkles and skeletons to decorate!

But my coworker Roberta didn't show up!

I was sad, mad, and confused, I believe she SHOULD have been there

I felt overwhelmed with negative emotions, I couldn't even be bothered to acknowledge her in the office the next day

I went to my mentor to complain, and they told me, "While it would be great if our friends and coworkers did everything that we wanted, humans are independent, with their own needs and lives, and they have to do what works for them"

I was still in a bad mood for the rest of the week

Eventually I realized that I didn't want me mood to be so dependent on other people--after all, I can't be responsible for everyone's' choices or moods either. 

So I needed to re-frame my thinking

Once my mood was better, I was able to talk to her. It turns out her sister had a birthday party at the exact time as my party!

Once I stopped thinking about how people SHOULD behave, my relationship with my coworker improved

I learned not to take things personally and I learned that Roberta is still a good person

The thing about "he/she/they should" statements is that they set you up for negative emotion when the other person doesn't do what you expected.

You might think, "Well, negative emotion is a good motivator to help me guide them to behave differently"

That might be true, but it's a lot easier to share how you're feeling with respect when you can detach from the perceived personal insult.

And of course, this is the point where I saw, "But we can rewrite those thoughts!"

Let's use an example from my story,

My thought was "My coworkers should always come to my party"

Then I reframed that as "It would be nice if my friends and coworkers came to my parties, but they might have a good reason not to"

Here's the algorithm:

• Replace "should" with "it would be nice if" and end your statement with "but maybe..." 

• Then add possible reasons the other person may have to not do the thing you want them to do

Now you know the algorithm and can put it into practice yourself!

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