Loneliness

Hi friend!

I'm lucky to say I have a lot of friends, and I'm generally optimistic and upbeat. 

However, I wasn't ALWAYS that way, you know?

It took me time to adjust my thoughts, behaviors, and even some of my feelings about myself and others. Being optimistic is a skill you can practice.

I used to really be lonely, all the time! I struggled with feeling like no one really cared about me.

Weird, right?

I talked, I listened, I interacted with so many people, and yet, I would still feel unheard, misunderstood, and ultimately get lonely.

So, back then, I also thought being alone and loneliness were the same thing, but that would be like saying love and happiness are the same thing.

Happiness is not the same as contentment, and love is not the same as either of those. 

I had to challenge my assumptions of what loneliness actually meant to me, why it occurred and what thoughts I was associating with it.

Can I ask you--do you ever feel lonely?

If yes, or sometimes--I'm sorry you've been feeling that way, I know it can be a struggle, but you've come to the right place!

Would you like to hear my tale of loneliness?  We can also start working together on what you might feel in the process.

Ok, so, it all started when my oldest friend and I stopped talking

We used to do everything together, we'd go for walks, get ice cream, check out nearby shops and go to movies... when we stopped hanging out together it was really tough.

I started thinking "I must not be any fun to hang out with" and then... "Why would anyone want to be friends with me?"

This snowballed into more feelings of inadequacy, and I also assumed that to be happy, I needed a connection with someone other than myself.

I assumed that to be alone, was to be ... you guessed it, lonely!

After a lot of thought, I was able to prove my assumptions wrong, all by myself!

I made a list of all the things I do  by myself that I derive pleasure from

Like what, you say? Well, this is going to be different for everyone, personally I like getting my my hair done, and listening to really nice music, and doing something creative!

Some of life's simplest pleasures can be done alone, and this means happiness and gratification can be achieved with or without the presence of others.

If you're having some of these feelings right now, take a moment and write down some of the things you like to do alone (this list is just for you, but try to be honest, even if they're little things)

Don't worry, I'll wait.

Did you write at least three things? (If not, take another minute, keep going!)

Excellent, I believe in you!

So, the first time I tried to make a list, I had some very stubborn thoughts. I thought, "of course I can reach some moments of satisfaction when I'm by myself, I'm the only one I have to please then." 

"These moments are just temporary relief from being away from my best friend!"

Are these are just distractions? 

I realized I had no evidence to back up these thoughts and feelings, so, I decided to test it out.

So I thought to myself, let's try an experiment!

I looked at the list of activities I did when I was with my best friend (or other people) and I realized when others were involved I would go to great lengths to plan and engage in all different types of activities

But when I was alone I would just watch TV, sulk around my house, and never really do anything.

I had, unbeknownst to myself, created a cycle of a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I believed that I wouldn't enjoy being alone, so I did nothing to make being alone enjoyable. 

It can be a difficult cycle to get stuck in, but once you realize it's there, you can begin to work on it.

In my case, I decided to make plans for myself!

Because I have difficulties with my gut, I often can't eat out at restaurants, or food just gets complicated--so over time, I was almost never invited to go to lunches/dinners, but I DO like being around people and having conversations, so I started trying to go along, and make sure I ate before, or brought something I could snack on but still be part of the event.

Next, I started going to an art club and mechanics class--my friend never liked those things, so I hadn't explored them either--but I loved it!

After doing a few more activities like these I started to realize something incredible

Not only could I be "ok" alone, but I actually enjoyed being alone!

I started to become happier, and more passionate about doing things alone, which to my surprise attracted more people to me!

The enjoyment I got from my own company was infectious to others.

What activity will you try first?

Try to think of two things you can try this week, something realistic, but new!

Remember, the main thing is to enjoy yourself -- no one else can do it for you.

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