BREAKING NEWS:

Written by Eva Rhinelander

December 7, 2021

Jacob Sartorius Dies, Now Nobody Can Wear His Sweatshirt

LOS ANGELES CA - Microcelebrity Jacob Sartorius has once again claimed headlines after passing away unexpectedly in a sweatshirt-related incident. Just four days ago, bystanders reported hearing booming music coming from a white Jeep, which was supposedly playing “Boomerang” by JoJo Siwa. As stated in police reports, the 18 year old Sartorius decided to start practicing his doughnuts in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard in hopes of mimicking the lyrics to the song. Unsurprisingly, the uneven drawstrings to his sweatshirt became wrapped around his abnormally skinny neck, choking him to death. The Jeep spiraled out of control and crashed into a Stop and Shop, creating gruesome injuries and a suspiciously life-like hole in the grocery store’s walls. Eye-witnesses insisted that he had been heard belting the notes to the remainder of the gay icon’s song until his final breaths. Sartorius’s legacy will surely continue to live among prepubescents nationally. 

Rat Population Quadruples, Anatomy Classes Rejoice

MELROSE, MA - After last week’s outrageous number of noise complaints of “hissing” and “scampering”, as well as numerous police reports of missing ingredients from local restaurants, the Melrose Police have now discovered more than 683 rats living under, over, and in-between Melrosians’ homes. Once officials caught wind of our new infestation, they began brainstorming fast and easy solutions to eradicate the rats. After 3 long hours, at precisely 11:11 p.m. on November 11th, a call, the identity of whom the call was from is still under investigation, was made, suggesting a revolutionary resolution. The proposal: Dissection. What better way to scare off the rats than to cut open their friends and family?! According to our dear Superintendent - having children do it. Trying to regain momentum after the Halloween debacle, Julie Kukenberger has now made a school-wide initiative to enforce a hand-on learning environment through dissection of our rodent friends, starting in anatomy classes. 

Starbucks Holiday Menu Has Overworked Father Standing in Mobile Order Line for Forty Minutes

BOSTON, MA - Upon recent seasonal release, teenage girls and middle-aged, suburban women alike have been flocking to local Starbucks locations to consume the long-awaited Holiday Menu. Managers have been losing sleep over angry mobs complaining about ill-tempered cashiers. Baristas are overwhelmed at the rate they are running out of heavy whipping cream and reindeer cake pops. Regulars are seeking refuge for their lost peace and quiet in nearby Dunkins. Peppermint Mochas have taken a toll on society, and the grip they hold on our fragile youth has gotten seriously out of hand. It wasn’t until Adam Sandler, whose fashion sense reflects his state of mind, had to shove past heaps of underage and overage women after waiting half an hour at 7 a.m. for his order. While he was able to retrieve his classic Venti Nitro Sweet Cream Cold Brew with an extra pump of caramel, unfortunately, his two petite vanilla bean scones were squashed in his exit through the hazardous mosh pit. Paparazzi saw the devastation that Sandler ensued after exiting the Starbucks, and the relentless fans rushed in, hoping to claim the soggy scones as their own and later sell for millions of dollars on eBay. Clearly, something needs to be done about the chaos-prone atmosphere of wintertime Starbucks.