Comedy - Winter 2022!

Written by Eva Rhinelander

February 22, 2022

Watermelon Flavored Cranberries Spark Innovation

UNITED STATES - After our former behated President Donald Trump approved a variety of tariffs on Chinese goods, causing China to retaliate and raise the prices of cranberries to their citizens, cranberry overproduction has been out of control. Cranberry farmers are watching as their businesses tank, and desperately trying to hold on by planting as many cranberry (bushes?) as humanly possible. Now, the average, slightly-influential, white, suburban person may not be impacted or even aware of this crisis, but high school students have been hit hard. For the past few years, students have been supplied with copious amounts of Vitamin C (and an odd immunity to urinary tract infections). The culprit: Craisins®. At first, the majority of hormonal teens were able to put up with it, but as the quality began to decline - samples showed the color getting gradually and gradually more “caca colored” - so did the profit. School administrators were at a loss. What could they do to encourage kids to fall in love with Craisins® again? The answer: Refalvorifying the dried cranberries. Watermelon Craisins®, the first fruit-flavored fruit, made its debut on February 1st, 2022, and school kids went crazy. The product, which tastes like a mouthful of chewing gum in the form of a dried cranberry, is now all the rage and has cafeterias nationwide looking like they came straight from a Willy Wonka factory. In any high school cafeteria, you will now see pizza-flavored Craisins®, chicken patty flavored Craisins®, and, when lucky, the occasional Buffalo Chicken Dip flavored Craisins®. Craisins® have replaced all material food in the diets of acne-covered adolescents and it is only a matter of time before they catch on to the rest of the population.