Revision

Original Piece: Coffin

"Coffin" is a story I wrote for WRIT-2400-1/Editing and Publishing that is currently published in the science fiction journal Fully Automated. You can read it by clicking on the giant .png I made for it below:

Coffinby David Kosten[Coffin-1134, Mender Log: 001, Date: ERROR] Coffin-1134…it’s a fitting name. It was a joke back then, back on the satellite. One time I was even tapped on the shoulder, and when I turned around, there was a printed replica of an antique calculator flipped upside-down in my face, the numbers 4-3-1-1 embossed upon it. Moments later it was whipped away from me, replaced by a burly man grinning from ear to ear. Seeing how his grin did not reach his soft brown eyes, I could only muster

Last Logs.mp3

Last Logs

Zero logs appear on the wall,

Zero logs appear.

Write one down,

Wander around,

One log appears on the wall.

One log appears on the wall,

One log appears.

Write forty-one,

Woes abound,

Forty-two logs appear on the wall.

Forty-two logs appear on the wall,

Forty-two logs appear.

Write twenty-four,

Wahoo there’s sound!

Sixty-six logs appear on the wall.

Sixty-six logs appear on the wall,

Sixty-six logs appear.

Write twenty-two,

Waning and unwound,

Eighty-eight logs appear on the wall.

Eighty-eight logs appear on the wall,

Eighty-eight logs appear.

Write eleven,

Wake what’s found,

Ninety-nine logs appear on the wall.

100 logs appear on-the-wall,

100 logs—write 1—wait I’m bound—help me help me hel—

stone5

April 30, 2024 at 3:20 pm

pretty cool I like the audio version

│0Hitcrit0

│April 30, 2024 at 3:28 pm

I do not think so, the end is goofy.

│stone5

│April 30, 2024 at 3:44 pm

I guess it is a little loud

Abysstex

April 30, 2024 at 3:33 pm

I always thought of the ending as a black hole that destroys the main character not a monster or something that was awoken...

│Mon5t3510735

│April 30, 2024 at 3:46 pm

What do you mean @Abysstex? It was clearly a monster how else can you explain the signal and the abrupt end?

│S845tN3r6

│April 30, 2024 at 4:56 pm

Fun fact because of the nature of falling into a black hole the time dilation of doing so would cause the rest of the universe to speed past you so much so that even if you were somehow able to escape out of the event horizon there would be likely nothing left to go back to no stars no galaxies only a few scattered black dwarfs and black holes.

│Abysstex

│April 30, 2024 at 5:57 pm

Creepier than some boring big monster if you ask me...

│Mon5t3510735

│April 30, 2024 at 5:58 pm

Whatever @Abysstex. Agree to disagree.

│0Hitcrit0

│April 30, 2024 at 6:02 pm

Either way, the way that line is right now limits the interpretations that can be conveyed, which makes it not a great adaptation of the original.

│Costend

│April 30, 2024 at 6:24 pm

The speaker of a poem doesn't necessarily have to be a reliable narrator. It is clear that the speaker in "Last Logs" is one because they are the one writing the logs due to the last stanza's contents, which means that either interpretation can be true depending upon the reader/listener's opinion.

│0Hitcrit0

│April 30, 2024 at 6:48 pm

You cannot just hide behind the ambiguity of the last lines, especially because they happen AFTER the confusion that we are talking about. Not only that, but using your own logic the last stanza does not confirm that the speaker is the writer of the logs. For all we know, the speaker is the ship or the logs personified and thus making the whole thing convoluted and subpar.

│stone5

│April 30, 2024 at 6:50 pm

it's not that deep dude

│0Hitcrit0

│April 30, 2024 at 6:52 pm

That's what I am trying to say, stone5. That, plus I think that this piece is bad.

Arti3st

May 1, 2024 at 7:23 am

I am thinking about creating some fanart like the image that is in the original. I have a few questions before I start though. How was the original made? Was AI used? Also, what should I make? Should it be the ship being eaten by a monster, falling into a black hole, or something else? To that end, what medium should I use? The one the original was in? A charcoal additive or reductive drawing? I would very much like any feedback y'all could give. Thank you kindly in advance.

│Mon5t3510735

│May 1, 2024 at 7:46 am

@Arti3st Make it about a monster eating the ship!

│Abysstex

│May 1, 2024 at 5:57 pm

No...make it a black hole swallowing the ship...

│0Hitcrit0

│May 1, 2024 at 6:02 pm

Why not, to put it bluntly, split the baby and try to do both in the same art work?

│S845tN3r6

│May 1, 2024 at 7:59 am

@Arti3st I don't think that the image was made with AI. If I had to guess I would say Photoshop was used because the texture on the ship looks like the Water—Pool pattern that is desaturated and has different exposure levels. I also think it likely was an overlay on a sketch because Photoshop is notoriously hard to work with.

│David Kosten

│May 1, 2024 at 8:58 am

That is correct, @S845tN3r6. AI was not used at all in the creation of this image and as to how I made it—well—I used Photoshop and put a bunch of boxes together. I also used a series of reference images to create the outline of the ship which I then scanned with my phone and uploaded to my computer. Probably an overly complicated process, but it did take a while so @Arti3st I would recommend you do a different medium, especially charcoal, if you are proficient and comfortable with them.

│stone5

│May 1, 2024 at 6:50 pm

make it a rock smashing the ship that would be cool

│Mon5t3510735

│May 10, 2024 at 4:27 pm

Day 2 of requesting a giant monster!

│Mon5t3510735

│May 11, 2024 at 4:30 pm

Day 3 of requesting a giant monster!

│Mon5t3510735

│May 12, 2024 at 4:44 pm

Day 4 of requesting a giant monster!

│Mon5t3510735

│May 13, 2024 at 4:11 pm

Day 5 of requesting a giant monster!

│Mon5t3510735

│May 14, 2024 at 6:50 pm

Day 6 of requesting a giant monster!

│Mon5t3510735

│May 15, 2024 at 7:00 pm

Day 7 of requesting a giant monster!

│Mon5t3510735

│May 16, 2024 at 5:55 pm

Day 8 of requesting a giant monster!

│Mon5t3510735

│May 17, 2024 at 6:12 pm

Day 9 of requesting a giant monster!

│0Hitcrit0

│May 17, 2024 at 6:13 pm

Enough, @Mon5t3510735! Spamming all of us is not helping!

│Mon5t3510735

│May 17, 2024 at 6:15 pm

Sorry @0HitCrit0. Guess it's time to stop.

│0HitCrit0

│May 17, 2024 at 6:18 pm

Thank you, @Mon5t3510735.

│AvJoe00

│May 17, 2024 at 6:20 pm

I hope @Arti3st is okay…they haven't replied in quite a while.

│S845tN3r6

│May 17, 2024 at 6:33 pm

@AvJoe00 I think @Arti3st is okay because their profile shows they have been online so they probably just haven't been posting.

│0HitCrit0

│May 17, 2024 at 6:34 pm

That is a little creepy, @S845tN3r6.

│S845tN3r6

│May 17, 2024 at 6:39 pm

@0HitCrit0 I don't think so. The information is not set to private so it's not like I am stalking them or anything. I am just interested in their wellbeing and the artwork.

│0HitCrit0

│May 17, 2024 at 6:41 pm

Whatever you say, @S845tN3r6.

│stone5

│May 18, 2024 at 4:20 pm

kill the motors dudes it'll get done when it gets done just wait a bit and go with the flow

│Abysstex

│May 18, 2024 at 4:40 pm

Day 2 of requesting a gaint black hole...

│0HitCrit0

│May 18, 2024 at 4:48 pm

Not you too, @Abysstex.

│Abysstex

│May 18, 2024 at 4:52 pm

Just kidding! Or am I...?

│0HitCrit0

│May 18, 2024 at 5:03 pm

Abysstex, I am not humoring this.

│Abysstex

│May 18, 2024 at 5:05 pm

Fair enough...

│Arti3st

│May 27, 2024 at 9:50 pm

Sorry for taking so long, I stopped to smell the daisies. I decided to do a reductive charcoal drawing and decided against adding a obvious monster, a rock, or a black hole. My reasoning is this: things that go bump in the night are mighty frightening when they can't me seen, not so much when they can be. I did add some fire at the end though, hope all y'all don't mind.

Anyway, without further ado here is the artwork:

│stone5

│May 28, 2024 at 4:20 am

kinda looks like a candle if you look at it sideways

│0HitCrit0

│May 28, 2024 at 6:23 am

Now I cannot unsee it, @stone5.

│stone5

│May 28, 2024 at 6:24 am

your welcome dude

│0HitCrit0

│May 28, 2024 at 6:26 am

That was not a complement.

│Abysstex

│May 28, 2024 at 7:30 am

No black hole...how heartbreaking...

│Mon5t3510735

│May 28, 2024 at 7:53 am

Monster, oh monster, gone too soon from this world, gone before your life even got started. Just look how they mascaraed my monster.

│stone5

│May 28, 2024 at 7:55 am

I don't know dudes it kinda looks like there is something in the lower right hand corner maybe it's a black hole monster dude

│Mon5t3510735

│May 28, 2024 at 7:58 am

@Abysstex we are saved! Guess we both win! Thank you @stone5!

│Abysstex

│May 28, 2024 at 7:59 am

I see it now! Yes! Thank you @stone5!

│stone5

│May 28, 2024 at 8:02 am

no problem dudes

│S845tN3r6

│May 28, 2024 at 8:13 am

Actually @stone5 @Mon5t3510735 & @Abysstex the darker coloration is likely due to the camera's shadow being present at that location. I measured that there is a slight tilt in the image and that tilt aligns with the dark spot. There are programs that can scan images better or remove the shadow that is present but a few months ago all of said programs require payment usually in the form of subscriptions.

│Abysstex

│May 28, 2024 at 8:22 am

You just had to ruin it...didn't you?

│Mon5t3510735

│May 28, 2024 at 8:23 am

@Abysstex S845tN3r6 could be wrong though, right?

│Abysstex

│May 28, 2024 at 8:24 am

Somehow I doubt that...

│Arti3st

│May 28, 2024 at 8:28 am

Y'all have mighty fine eyes if I do say so myself. It does look like a candle and I am in the bottom left half of the pic. Sorry to get all ya'll's hopes up.

│Abysstex

│May 28, 2024 at 8:28 pm

I knew it...

│Mon5t3510735

│May 28, 2024 at 8:29 am

No! Monster! Monster!!!

│AvJoe00

│May 28, 2024 at 8:31 am

Don't worry about it too much @Arti3st. It looks really good and it digitized great too.

│David Kosten

│May 28, 2024 at 8:32 am

That's right, good job @Arti3st. As the original author I am proud to see that you have made something out of my work. Thank you for your fan art.

│Arti3st

│May 28, 2024 at 8:33 am

Thank you kindly.

│Costend

│May 28, 2024 at 8:47 am

I do not think that all of you should be concerned anyway. Once an artwork is sent out to the public, all interpretations of the work are valid so long as they can back themselves up via direct evidence from the work itself.

│0HitCrit0

│May 28, 2024 at 8:49 am

Are you basically saying that as long as you can make it headcanon it is fine, @Costend?

│Costend

│May 28, 2024 at 8:55 am

It is a little more complicated and nuanced than that, but sure.

│Mon5t3510735

│May 28, 2024 at 9:15 am

Works for me! Maybe the mushy giant friend is friendly! Hungry space monster here we come!

│Abysstex

│May 28, 2024 at 9:23 am

It's good enough for me too. Besides, you probably couldn't see a black hole in a supervoid anyway.

│S845tN3r6

│May 28, 2024 at 10:10 am

@Abysstex that is correct black holes are invisible to the naked eye and can only be seen based upon how they influence the objects around them.

AvJoe00

May 2, 2024 at 8:20 am

I don't really get this poem? What is it about?

│0Hitcrit0

│May 2, 2024 at 8:28 am

Yeah, it is really unclear without having read the original.

│S845tN3r6

│May 2, 2024 at 9:55 am

@AvJoe00 The genres of the original piece named “Coffin” are science fiction and horror while the genre being emulated in this poem is traditional counting songs.

The typical organizational pattern of the genre is that of a lyrical song. There is a fair bit of repetition, which allows the song to be remembered and have a consistent rhythm. This culminates in lines stanzas and verses. From what I can tell this piece is using standard conventions of poems as well as the repetition and rhythm of said counting songs but not the normal social purpose of them.

What I mean by this is that the social purpose for these genre conventions is a pastime for mostly families waiting for something to conclude. The most common manner in which these counting songs are sung is via road trips. This type of song can also be used in a classroom setting as some teachers claim that the “interludes are there to prevent brain strain” during long lessons (Jeanne, 2014).

Normally the genre’s audience finds the genre convention useful because the songs are less irritating then the classic “are we there yet” that bored or impatient individuals tend to instinctively do (Shrek 2, 2021). Additionally in children it also allows them to learn more about their culture bond the unit closer together than they otherwise would as well as develop their vocal skills tonal skills mathematics rhythm and patience (Jeanne, 2014).

The people who would typically read this genre are parents/teachers who would learn the lyrics and then teach it to the target market their children or students. However this piece is in my estimation attempting to merge the initial horror audience that has already read the original piece with the new audience who has not which is a pretty good illustration on how writing can circulate online and across communities.

References

Jeanne. (2014, March 26). Traditional counting songs. A peaceful day. https://ohpeacefulday.blogspot.com/2014/03/traditional-counting-songs.html.

Shrek 2. (2021, August 10). Shrek 2: Are we there yet? (HD clip). YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gn51xYvJhQI.

│stone5

│May 2, 2024 at 10:10 am

woah text wall

│0Hitcrit0

│May 2, 2024 at 10:22 am

Text wall is right, I am not reading that and probably no one else is either. Could also be entirely wrong, especially since the Traditional Counting Songs link talks about how the traditional counting songs count backwards, and "Last Logs" counts forwards.

│S845tN3r6

│May 2, 2024 at 10:28 am

Sounds like someone read it after all @0Hitcrit0

│0Hitcrit0

│May 2, 2024 at 10:30 am

@S845tN3r6, I am not going to humor your antics.

│Costend

│May 2, 2024 at 11:34 am

@S845tN3r6's theory still holds weight due to the fact that the piece is supposedly attempting to merge the initial horror audience with the new audience of traditional counting songs. That merging could be the cause and rationale behind the traditional counting songs standard format discrepancy.

│0Hitcrit0

│May 2, 2024 at 11:43 am

Costend, you are neglecting the other part of S845tN3r6's claim, that the new audience has not read the initial piece. Last Logs fails as a stand alone piece that bridges the gap between the two different niches expressly because AvJoe00, and others like them, cannot understand what the piece is about without the context of the initial piece. For all they know the logs are literal wooden logs and this tree infested website does a pretty good job of favoring that interpretation.

│AvJoe00

│May 2, 2024 at 11:47 am

Sorry, I was just asking a question. I didn't mean to cause a fight.

│stone5

│May 2, 2024 at 12:01 pm

your good dude they are just like that sometimes

David Kosten

May 4, 2151 at 3:08 pm

It was me Barry! It was me all along!

│0Hitcrit0

│May 4, 2024 at 3:28 pm

What?

Click These Words To Go Back To The Writing Minor

Page updated

Google Sites

Report abuse