Shattered

The wind rushing against me is…relentless. Its harsh howling coupled with its rippling bursts of fury seem to resent me, to hate me. I try not to pay attention to it, so instead, I focus on the groggy fog that grips my mind. The fog is…wet, filled with dew. It makes me feel safe, no sheltered, like how morning droplets blanket a blade of grass before dawn. The liquid hugs the grass, saving it from the frigid air’s torment. But the breeze doesn’t stop. It insists on taking my sleepy coziness from me. It shouts and yells and just doesn’t stop. Why won’t it stop? I tell it to go away, and I roll over to try and leave it, to drift back off into a dream filled slumber but to no avail. Then the water on the blade of grass plummets down, down and deeper into the hazy dreams that are slowly slipping from my thoughts. My security and comfort follow shortly after, leaving me no choice but to awaken and face the cold twilight of reality. I blink, but see nothing. What’s happening? I’m-

I’m falling—faster with each passing moment. There are no blades of grass, no drops of liquid, not even any twinkling starlight above me. It’s murky, empty, and cool, unnaturally so. I try blinking again but nothing aside from tears is gained. I feel numb. I can’t move and the rippling currents pressing against me are only getting stronger…the wind feels, wrong. It’s clotted, churning around me more like a fluid, and it’s bland, weirdly vacant as if it’s smothering me. I realize that I cannot smell or taste anything either. I start choking. I can’t breathe I can’t do anything, it’s screaming at me, shouting…I…I…

-See something. Far away, there is something glowing and grey. The thing is getting bigger—no closer. I’m plummeting towards it. With nothing else to do I simply stare at it, as if I am trying to peer into the very fabric of its being. The object seems flat and solid, somewhat circular but I have a sense that it isn’t, almost as if a strobe light is illuminating it from behind me. I look away to see if I can spot the source. The moment I do I regret it as I am reminded of the churning emptiness enveloping me. A river of molasses coated dread seeps into my throat. It clasps it with brutal metallic apathy and squeezes, only giving me enough time to utter a guttural gasp.

My vision darts around straining to find the object again. Each moment I don’t tightens the grasp around my throat, until I start to feel myself falling into the void around me, receding to oblivion, sinking into slumber. I tug myself back to the present, yanking my sight downwards once more, hoping, pleading for it to be there. It is, and I feel the callous grip reluctantly ease. I cough and choke, taking in gulp after gulp of the dull flavorless “air,” hardly caring anymore that it’s repulsively foreign to me.

The object is coming towards me faster now. It’s so big. For a moment I am glad, then the next I marvel about how it could illude my sight for so long. Both thoughts are pushed away by the following one, the realization that I am going to smash into it soon. The wind around me abruptly shifts, instead of increasing in speed now it’s like I’m floating. The object, which is looking more and more like concrete is still headed straight for me. I sense an instinctive tinge as I realize it’s too late to stop my momentum. I don’t want to look at it any longer, but I don’t dare look away again, so I do the only thing I can do, I blink.

The fall is never the dangerous part, it’s the sudden stop that follows. So, as I stop, I envision myself splattering across the ground, painting it a bloody crimson with my insides. Nothing so grotesque happens however, and as I look around, I notice that I am miraculously unharmed. At least I think I am. The grey mass encompasses my entire vision, but there is no splattering of red and no mind shattering pain accompanying it. Instead, there’s just, emptiness, numbness.

I get up and notice…weird. I can’t see my body. Focusing on my face I try to move any part of it, feel any part of it—nothing. Nothing, but I can blink, close my vision and my mind to the outside world. It’s nice. I can push this strange unfamiliar place away to take solace in my own personal space, even if it is just as empty as things are out there. But each time I blink, moments later I am brought back to reality. I shiver, wishing I could close my vision for longer.

Looking down to examine the ground, I notice that it isn’t concrete. I don’t know what it is, but I know it isn’t that. I think for a moment and then try to touch it. My vision gets closer to it, but not as close as it was before, and suddenly sensations rush into me. It feels rough and firm. It’s also immovable regardless of how hard I push, but when I move around while touching it, it becomes glossy and smooth, polished even. I know that doesn’t make sense, so I try to pull a piece of it away from the mass. Unfortunately, I can’t find purchase in either of its states, so I quickly give up on the idea.

It isn’t glowing like I initially thought, so something must be illuminating it. Not trusting it to stay where it is I keep touching it while I look up. Empty, there isn’t anything up there, but I know that looking up feels dangerous and that I don’t like it. Even though only emptiness peers back at me I still feel like I am being examined...being seen. I focus on that sensation and glance about, trying to see something in the murky void. Something clutches my throat again. Something, not dread, something. Something from the sky. Tears well but they do not drop.

I wrench my vision down again and the object is still there this time. The moment I see it, the tension subsides, and I wheeze. The thing leaves me alone, but I still feel like I am being observed, scrutinized…evaluated. I don’t like it. I want it to stop, but I don’t know how. So, with an effort of willpower, I turn my focus away from those thoughts, hoping to appease whatever is watching me by complying.

Instead of looking up, I listen. The howling is quieter here, near this object. Is it because the wind is calmer here, or is the howling something other than the wind? I shiver and decide I do not want to know.

I have had enough of this place; I have to get away from here or at least try to. To move I focus on the edge of the illuminated section of the object. I get closer to it almost touching the edge of where the light reaches and then it gets further away, placing me back in the middle again. I can’t tell if I am going somewhere or if I am just staying in the same place, but the motion calms me enough to think.

Not that there is much to think about. I don’t know much. Have I forgotten things, or do I just not know things? I don’t even know that. I am leaning towards me forgetting things, but that might only be because I want to feel important, like I was something before this place and that I will be something if I can escape it.

I know about grass and concrete and dew…what else? Hmm…starlight, strobe lights, wind, air, choking, blinking, tears, bodies, blood…and oh, throats. And I have one! I have a throat! But I can’t see it though…is that normal?

I’ve been moving for a long time, still nothing. I decided that I really only know eleven things. I figured that dew and tears are the same thing, and so is air, wind, and choking, so the new thing that I added to my list was the entity above me. It doesn’t like me looking at it, or up at all for that matter, and stops my throat from working if I do. It leaves me alone if I leave it alone, so I don’t think it is as bad as blood splattering. I try to think of more things, but the new things illude me, almost as if something is trying to hide them from me. Maybe the entity is.

Do I really know so many things? I don’t have any memories of seeing grass or concrete or anything else…aside from the object I am moving on, which isn’t any of the things I think I know about. How do I know what I know? If I don’t know how I know do I really know what I know? What is dawn? What is twilight? What’s the difference between the two? Will…will I ever be able to see grass or dew or even tears? So many questions with no answers. I try to cry but I can’t.

I found something. It’s strange, it’s a translucent thing sticking out of the object I was moving on. It’s made of the same glossy stuff that shows up whenever I feel the ground while I’m in motion. It’s way bigger than me, about twice as big. Its also wider than me, almost a me and a half wide. But its thinner than me, nearly half the width I am. I circled the whole thing once and have been circling it ever since, trying to understand it.

I don’t understand it at all though. I also am a little worried. My memory while moving is a little hazy, like I forgot what happened and then started remembering things again. I don’t want to forget so I am focusing on remembering now instead of just moving.

I think I forgot something again, so I am not moving anymore. I am just staring at this translucent thing now, trying to remember what I forgot. None of the memories have come back though…

I start to see movement on the translucent thing. Then I see something, and I instantly recognize it. It’s me. I focus on my features, trying to make out any discernable characteristics. I smile when I realize I can. But somehow, when I look away from a part of my body the recognition of what it is vanishes with it. I touch the thing, trying to see if I can make it work better. It doesn’t seem to be working. Wait…this thing…I remember its name. It is a mirror, right?

I smile again. I remembered something! A mirror! That’s what this thing is. It’s a mirror because its glossy which makes it reflective. And that allows me to see myself in it. I peer at the reflection closer, focusing on one part and trying to remember its name. I see…eyes! That’s right, I have eyes! That’s how I can see, that’s how I can blink! You can cry with them too! My smile widens. I feel tears falling from my eyes. I glance down and watch them fall to the object. They splatter on the ground and my smile fades. I blink in confusion as I slowly fall out of my joyful daze. Splattering isn’t good, and aren’t tears only supposed to happen when you are sad or in pain? But I am happy right now so why am I…?

Confused I look at the mirror again. I sense that something is off…something is wrong. There aren’t any tears falling from the me in the mirror and the me in the mirror also looks a little different now. I try and see if I can spot the difference before I forget what it is. Smiling. Ah that’s right, you smile with your mouth, and I have a mouth too. It connects to your throat. However, I am not smiling, and the me in the mirror is.

Then mirror me grins, and the teeth start to show. I think they are sharper than mine, no I know they are sharper than mine. I don’t want to look at the mouth anymore, so I glance up and see the eyes staring at mine. They are colored wrong. They are bright yellow, and they are glowing. And then it squints, seemingly trying to blink. At first its awkward and odd as if it is doing it for the first time and not sure what to do. After a moment though it is able to contort its face enough to close its eyes.

A chill creeps through me as I realize it’s not a reflection. I franticly try and distance myself from the translucent thing and the me behind it. I can’t. I try looking at the ground and focusing on moving to the edge of the light—nothing happens.

A loud crack reverberates around me. I glance up to see the translucent thing is breaking and the other me is pressed up against it, way closer than they were before. Something trickles down in between its eyes. It’s sallow colored and gross. I don’t want to know what it is, but the thought jumps into my mind before I can stop it. It’s pus. More and more of it gushes out of the other me and the grin on the other me is only getting wider, far more than should be possible.

The crack widens and crawls upwards, reaching the top of the translucent pseudo mirror. I don’t think it is going to hold for much longer. I am worried, but also glad that for some reason the other me cannot just simply walk around it like I did. Then I remember that I am stuck in place too and desperately look at the edge of the light, trying to pull myself there with all my might. And then I hear a shattering roar followed by incessant deranged laughter.

I’m falling again, backwards this time, away from the light and the shattered pseudo mirror. The yellow eyed me is plunging after me in hysterical glee. The shards of pseudo mirror don’t follow us however, instead they drop normally, hitting the object like how things should. We, on the other hand, are quickly immersed in darkness, submerged in nothing, like quills dropped in a vat of ink. Soon I can only see the glowing eyes of my assailant, which, as unnerving as they are, are better than staring into what surrounds us.

They get dimmer for a moment as something rushes across them horizontally. Eyelids? But eyelids are supposed to come from the top of the eye and aren’t supposed to be semitransparent. Right?

This thing has to be pretending to be me. It has to be. However, the more I look at it the more wrong that assumption feels. There is something connecting us, tying us together. And right now, it is saving me. If I wasn’t looking at its eyes I would be getting choked right now.

Pus starts to land on me, and I shiver in revulsion. No, I want it to go away. Go away! Leave me alone! But it doesn’t. It’s drifting closer to me. My eyes start to water as we pick up speed. Its don’t. Tears fall and intertwine with its pus. I hear them peppering the ground beneath me in a grotesque cacophony. Soon though, the wind drowns it out and I can only hear the hideous never-ending laughter and the mourning cries of the wind.

I need to get away. I can’t stand it. I rack my mind for something, anything to do. I can’t move. I can barely see. I have to get away. I have to-I—I have to calm down. Jagged haphazard breaths hitch in my throat, and I will them to slow, to focus. In, out. In…out…

I have to try and turn. If I can position my body towards the floor, I might move towards it like the other me is doing. Since we are clearly moving already, I have to hope that means that I can will myself to move too. Focusing solely on my body I ready myself. Three, two, one. Now!

Turning, I am met with a solid grey object slamming into me with a terrible smack. My ears ring as I try to comprehend what just happened. I cough and sputter and then spit something out. It’s red and warm. It’s blood. Blood. That’s bad. Wait where is the other me.

Instinctively I look up. I am met with the empty abyss and a harsh grasp on my throat. I rush my eyes downward, only to see blood, pus, and tears starting to swirl and mix together. My vision blurs as I feel an urge to add something to the pile. Then something starts to rise up my throat. I shiver, dart my eyes away, and swallow. I stare at an untainted piece of the object to steady myself. I stare and stare and stare

After a long, long pause to collect myself I start to look around again. There is a trail of pus uninterrupted by the red which indicates where I hit the floor. It seems like the other me just kept falling sideways, ignoring my abrupt stop. It was getting closer and closer to the floor though. Once it hits the ground will it come back here? I don’t want to find out. I am not bleeding anymore, so if I go away from here the other me won’t be able to find me, which is good, I think.

I start to move away, but I hesitate. Why am I hesitating? Why would I want to stay here where the other me could come and find me? I don’t like the other me, not at all…so why? I don’t understand. None of this makes any sense. I am so confused, and I am not even sure if I want to not be confused. I just want to go somewhere safe and sleep. How long has it been since I have slept? I have no idea. Pulling myself away from the pus trail, I start moving, despite my internal cries not to. I refuse to stick around and find out what else the other me can do; I refuse.

The emptiness of this place is eerie. It feels like there should be more, something else, but there just isn’t. Movement after movement and nothing changes. I start to think I am going in circles but I haven’t seen the pus trail again so that can’t be the case, can it?

Grass. It is teal colored and soft. One moment there is the grey cement like object and then, unexpectedly, its grass. I look back but there is no line where it transitions…in fact there is no grey at all. I get closer to the ground and try to move the grass to look at what is underneath it, but there are only more teal blades.

The grass feels soft…comfortable. I could rest here, lay my head against the blades…rest. Wait. The last time something changed there was another version of me somewhere. Does that mean there is another me here too? If that is true, is the other me going to be like the other one? Then…this whole thing could be a trap, just like the pseudo mirror. And I was asking for a comfortable place to sleep. Is something reading my mind and forming these traps based on my desires, my wishes? I-I need to get out of here. I need to get up! I can’t. Tired. So tired…

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