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All of us have the capacity to display toxic behaviours. We tend to learn a lot of our behaviours from our primary caregivers and if we have had bad experiences with them, it may be that we have internalised these. Likewise, there are many toxic behaviours that a person can learn or develop when growing up in an abusive environment that may have been necessary for survival.
The good news is that, if you can learn something, you can definitely also unlearn it!
You may find some of the content of this page heavy-going so please prioritise your wellbeing and energy and stop reading if you need to. 💜
"I'm scared of turning out like my parents."
"I'm scared of turning out like my parents."
This is a very common thing for estranged and care experienced people to feel. In fact, it is something that lots of people think about! Becoming 'like' our parents/family/care-givers can sometimes feel inevitable - but it isn't. Therapy especially can be a really good way of picking your worries apart, identifying your triggers and working through your concerns.
This is a very common thing for estranged and care experienced people to feel. In fact, it is something that lots of people think about! Becoming 'like' our parents/family/care-givers can sometimes feel inevitable - but it isn't. Therapy especially can be a really good way of picking your worries apart, identifying your triggers and working through your concerns.
If you feel comfortable, repeat the following out loud:
If you feel comfortable, repeat the following out loud:
" I am NOT my parents (birth/foster/adoptive) or care-givers.
" I am NOT my parents (birth/foster/adoptive) or care-givers.
I am my own person.
I am my own person.
I am capable of healing from trauma - and of unlearning behaviour - and of living my own life."
I am capable of healing from trauma - and of unlearning behaviour - and of living my own life."
Unlearning Unhealthy Behaviours
Unlearning Unhealthy Behaviours
People across the world are constantly learning and unlearning. It is the only way that we, as humans, can make advances - we have to learn. You can frame your learning as working on yourself - a life-long project that is well worth the effort.
Some common behaviours you may wish to unlearn include:
Lying or hiding bits of truth/bits of yourself
Being controlling or feeling the need to have everything controlled
Being emotional-detached/unavailable
Negative thinking patterns and extreme pessimism
Stilted or passive-aggressive communication
Being overly self-critical and unkind to yourself
Having a short temper
Facing your behaviours is going to require you to be really open and honest with yourself and it might get quite uncomfortable. We'd recommend reading up on toxic behaviours online, taking the time to journal and make note of what you want to change and talking through all of this with a therapist/counsellor.
Unlearning Unhealthy Communication Behaviours
Unlearning Unhealthy Communication Behaviours
Here's a helpful article to get you started, written by Writer’s Corps member Jade Anna Hughes. See the article here.
Extract: "I spent a lot of my teens and 20’s avoiding deep relationships because I didn’t trust another person, and I didn’t trust myself. What if I said something wrong? What if they treated me the way my stepfather treated my mother? When you’re brought up in a household where unhealthy behaviours, like belittling, are consistently used they become normal. Not knowing how to free myself from the memories of my past, I would resort to unhealthy coping techniques to “process” my fears and concerns. But they didn’t work. In fact, they had the exact opposite effect."
Unlearning harmful behaviour from my Childhood - Goodness Mphelo
This article provides some frank and solid advice from a therapist on what toxic behaviours are and how to go about unlearning.
Website: https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/04/unlearning-toxic-behaviors/
Medium Article: Unlearning Toxic Patterns is the Key to Having a Secure Relationship
"Our attachment style plays a huge part in how we navigate relationships. Here’s what I learned changing mine to secure."
In this video, Dr Phil Borders discusses the question "Will I Inherit Similar Mental & Emotional Traits From My Parents?" and discusses making the choice to unlearn.
Unlearning unhealthy values that determine your self-worth
Unlearning unhealthy values that determine your self-worth
Depending on how you were brought-up will reflect on how you value yourself and see your self-worth. Many of us were brought up believing that our worth was determined on specific or arbitrary values that our family and community held highly such as:
Your academic grades
Your physical appearance (common pressures include pressure to be lighter-skinned, gender-conforming, and thin)
The way you talk
The way you hold yourself
What you should do with your spare time
Your career aspirations
Having a nuclear/structured family, heteronormative family
These values, especially the ones openly toxic and negative ones, may be something you wish to cast away and unlearn for yourself. But how do you even start doing this? We'd recommend talking through this with a therapist/counsellor - but we've also linked some useful resources below.
8 Childhood Lessons You Should Unlearn
8 Childhood Lessons You Should Unlearn
Self Worth: The Definitive Guide to Valuing Yourself
Self Worth: The Definitive Guide to Valuing Yourself
Mind Your Reality has a really helpful free guide to valuing yourself - including top tips and exercises to do.
Unlearning Pressure From Your Parent(s)
Unlearning Pressure From Your Parent(s)
Recognising the pressure you grew up under as a child and tips on how to reduce the emotional pressure in your life.
See Psychology Today's article here
Re-learning to have a Healthy Relationship with your Body
Re-learning to have a Healthy Relationship with your Body
What is a healthy relationship with food? | Rhiannon Lambert | TEDxUniversityofEastAnglia
What is a healthy relationship with food? | Rhiannon Lambert | TEDxUniversityofEastAnglia
How to Have a Healthy Relationship with Your Body
How to Have a Healthy Relationship with Your Body
Website: A Chronic Voice
There have been several studies done to demonstrate a correlation between individuals who have had traumatic experiences who later develop eating disorders.
Eating Disorders
Eating Disorders
If you think you may have an eating disorder, even if you're not sure, see a GP as soon as you can.
They'll ask you questions about your eating habits and how you're feeling, and will check your overall health and weight.
If they think you may have an eating disorder, they should refer you to an eating disorder specialist or team of specialists.
It can be very hard to admit you have a problem and ask for help. It may make things easier if you bring a friend or loved one with you to your appointment.
You can also talk in confidence to an adviser from eating disorders charity Beat
Support with an Eating Disorder
Support with an Eating Disorder
Eating disorders are serious mental illnesses that involve disordered eating behaviour. This might mean limiting the amount of food eaten, eating very large quantities of food at once, getting rid of food eaten through unhealthy means (e.g. purging, laxative misuse, fasting, or excessive exercise), or a combination of these behaviours.
It’s important to remember that eating disorders are not all about food itself, but about feelings. The way the person interacts with food may make them feel more able to cope, or may make them feel in control.
Beat has a wide range of support services available, for more information please see their website.
Helplines: 0808 801 0677 (General); 0808 801 0811 (StudentLine); 0808 801 0811 (YouthLine)
One-to-One Web Chat: https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines/one-to-one
Website: https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services
You can also read about other eating and feeding problems here.
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