Shadows and Light

as I rush down the ramp, it seems

the wind under an overcast sky

takes my soul

and lets it fly

behind me, like a kite

tethered to my body.

happiness can fill

to the point of delirium.

have I given a cynical laugh

under its influence?

that happiness is not joy,

that fruit of the Spirit, that constant.

don’t be

addicted to the pain.

why am I still in a rut

if my life is going well?

i’m rested but tired,

weary but not.

sadness is a burden

I want no one else to bear

on my behalf.

but still I keep talking,

trying to get it out.

I can’t be strong for everyone.

please, God, give strength

to those who care about me

and shine Your light

in the lives of those I see.

give strength to us, Your children

and call the lost to You.

i can’t block my emotions. i can’t

stop feeling or neatly box

my life. Lord, help me

to look for you in a dry

and weary land, where

our souls pant without water.

others’ finger prints

are on my heart. Are mine

on others’, too?

Lord, help me to guard

my heart and lay it before

You, my Savior, my Father, my God.

Songbird, locked in your mind,

your frailty is your strength.

Turn that iron cage into rose vines,

thorns of pain into thorns of resilience.

And hear the song I'm singing

Though our worlds are tumbling down

For when we can't unfurl our wings

in the darkness, light can be found.

(Addressed to my family, friends, and loved ones in general.)

I love you.

I may not say it,

but I do.

When I smile

or say I miss you,

when I laugh

at your dry humor,

or when I ask you

how you are,

know that

I love you,

even though

my lips hold in

those three

simple

words.

Some days, I’m weighed down

for no reason at all, or at least,

I say there’s no reason

but there are multiple stones

tied to my back, or my soul.

It’s those days that I scroll

for mindless laughter

and mindless stories

even more than I already do

and censure myself for it.

It’s those days that I sleep

more than I think I need,

but still bed beckons me

mid-afternoon, morning,

and evening.

It’s those days that I sit

in a chat room or on a hall

yearning for contact,

wondering if it’ll fix me,

smiling to hide tears under it all.

It’s those days that I most miss

the voices that once soothed me,

the memories of light

that turned into ghosts

despite my silent pleas.

But it’s also those days that I pray, and know

that if this feels like drowning,

I simply need to keep breathing,

for my God will give me air,

and He will pick me up if I fall.

I used to think

you helped me keep

the ghosts at bay.

Then you left,

and I realized

as your ghost came to stay

That no one human

could ever truly keep

all the ghosts away.

So, though I’m haunted,

I still will hope,

and for your life I pray.